Dlbn: I'm feeling depressed so I decided to write what was bothering me. Not that the pairing bothers me, mind you, just a situation I'm in right now.
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Loveless or any character from it. They belong to Yun Kouga. I make NO money off of writing this fic.
WARNING: Contains spoilers for volume 11, up to chapter 115 if you read them online.
000
Ever since the day I met him, Aoyagi Seimei was always a mystery to me. Always a drug. I forgot about the girlfriend I had at the time-I still can't remember even her name-and spent all my free time with him. The day he took me to the river to on in a boat ride was one of the oddest days of my life, but it had to happen. He tried to force me to move the boat with my powers, but I knew I couldn't. I could only pick up pens and pencils, and other light stuff like that. How was I supposed to ever push a boat with two people in it? Seimei practically forced me to do so by dropping the oars on purpose, while making it look like an accident, and making sure they were gone before he mentioned it to me. Of course, I had to use my power to move the boat. And I did, but only because he was there to strengthen my power, my spells.
I think that was the day I first realized that I was falling for Seimei. I have no idea how that could have possibly happened. I wasn't gay at the time, hence that girlfriend I mentioned a moment ago. But here I was, Akame Nisei, falling for another male. Perhaps it was just an intense loyalty and connection I was feeling to him. After all, being strongly connected was what made a unit a unit. Otherwise, we were just two people. Just two teenagers with nothing better to do then hang together and fight in spell battles that we were somehow able to complete together. It was the strangest thing. He was my master. Why in the world would I fee for the guy who was allowed to beat and even kill me if I failed him or he found someone better? Besides, he already had a fighter when we met. He had Agatsuma when he was 14, and we were both 16 when we met. So why did he bother to come looking for me? In fact, why did he bother taking Agatsuma when he knew he'd have a true Fighter in the future? That teen never ceases to confuse me.
I knew that, in the end, Seimei would throw me aside and betray me when the time came for him to do so. Whenever he decided I wasn't worthy enough or needed anymore, he would leave me to fend for myself. And that's exactly what he did. Fighting against Moonless on my own was the hardest thing I ever had to do, especially when I knew Seimei and Agatsuma were standing behind me. I know Agatsuma tried to defend me, which is equally as strange, but Seimei acted like it was something I had to do. Maybe he wanted me to prove myself. But nevertheless, it hurt like hell. Even Moonless was against it, and she hates me for what I did to her at Seimei's order. Though, honestly, I don't blame her for hating me for it. I hate me for it, and I'm a sociopath with no remorse.
I suppose that's not true. I do have remorse. I regret a lot of things. I regret never telling Mimuro how much he meant to me before I left for this battle, telling him how grateful I was for him always being there for me when no one else in the world would, and I regret telling him we shouldn't talk or see each other ever again. It's not that we shouldn't. It's that we might not be able to. I regret what I did to Mikado, though I shall not actually write about that here. We don't talk about it, Seimei and I. And Mimuro? He has no idea. I couldn't bring myself to tell my friend that I was the reason for that little girl's loss of her ears and hair. Oh, perhaps I've said too much. I regret that too, now. I regret that girlfriend I had. Not having her, because that would be cruel. But I do regret forgetting about her completely and not even remembering her name. I wonder if she remembers me and/or hates me for just up and leaving with no explanation…
But, perhaps, my biggest regret is my feelings for Seimei. I know they are one sided and that is all they will ever be, which is why I told him I didn't want, understand, or even need love.
But the truth of the matter is that I would like it if he liked me back…but that would only lead to complications. Fighters and sacrifices shouldn't have romantic relationships or otherwise involvement with one another. It causes unnecessary drama, and it makes fighting hard. You're too concerned about the other's safety to really pay attention to the battle, and actually cause one another more damage then necessary. That's why I'm keeping my feelings secret. I don't want to cause problems. Though, I guess, now that we're apart, there really isn't much harm in it, right? Eh, I'll never tell him. I don't want to be on the wrong end of that knife he always carries.
I always knew that Aoyagi Seimei would betray me. I always knew he would force me to do something that could kill me while he stood idly by and did nothing to help, while also forbidding interference by anyone else. Even I declined Agatsuma's offer to assist me. I don't want him interfering with my master and myself. Because this is how it has to happen. I always knew that it would one day, so why should I stop it? Seimei is like poison to me. But he's a poison that I crave more and more of. I go back to him even when he hurts and/or betrays me, only to be hurt and betrayed again. I can't trust him, and yet I do. I shouldn't love him, but yet I do. Seimei is a poison, but he's also a drug. And every day, I find myself growing more and more addicted to it. To the aroma and the flavor of the drug known as Seimei. I'm addicted to it, I need it. I hate it, but I need it. It's killing me inside.
Seimei is many things. But what most people don't know is that Aoyagi Seimei is a big mess of drugs and poison.