As I lie dying, in my bed, I look up at her, I love her and I wish her no to cry.
The pain inside me is ripping me apart, I didn't realise just how hard it was to die. Not the pain of dying, not the pain of leaving but the pain of leaving someone behind. I look up at her face. Her beautiful green eyes looking down at me, I can see the pain in her eyes. The tears that fall out her eyes only make it worse. This was never supposed to happen we were supposed to be forever. How could I be losing her? Not like this.
"I Love you Jace," she says smiling at me through her pain "I love you more than anything and I won't stop loving you, I will always love you no matter what." I can see how hard this is on her and its killing me, haha get it's literally killing me.
"I love you Clary, I will always love you even when I'm gone I always will" I say.
It's getting easier to ignore the pain of dying. At first it was hard the agony of feeling my insides being ripped up but now I know I need to be strong, she doesn't need to be strong for me. What's the point I'm dying anyway? She's the one who's staying here, she's the one who has to live with this so I have to be strong for her. She holds my hand squeezing it hard as if she is trying to keep me with her, to stop me from slipping away. She talks to me, she talks to me in her beautiful voice, telling me things, telling me things about us, about our past, about our lives. Her Red hair is in a mess, yet it still looks perfect. Her clothes are ripped and she has a few scratches but otherwise she was her. Just her. She had a great fight, I on the other hand wasn't so great.
I feel bad, I'm supposed to be the amazing Shadowhunter who wins all his battles. I'm supposed to be the one cautious about Clary in a fight, making sure she stays safe. I shouldn't be the one who got killed in a battle. She wasn't ready for this. Neither of us were.
I don't want to die. I'm too young to die. I still have my life ahead of me, I've barely lived and now I'm going to die. It's not fair, life isn't fair or maybe its death that's not fair. I don't want to die, I don't want to leave her here, i don't want to leave anyone here. I don't want them to have to miss me. Nothing about this is right, everything's wrong and now I'm here dying, it's not right.
I'm not okay. For once that is what I would answer, everyone's always 'okay' but no I'm not. I'm not okay, and I'm not fine and I'm not good, I'm bad and I'm sad and I'm scared. Me, I'm scared. I'm scared of death, I'm scared of dying, I'm scared of being without her and I have to admit it.
"I'm scared Clary," I say I see the destruction in her eyes the pain she feels for me, the grief of my near death, I can already see the morning of my life.
"Of course you're scared Jace, that's fine, you can be scared. I'm not going to tell you that everything will be okay because it won't be. I'm not going to tell you that you're fine because you're not and there's nothing I can do and there should be but there isn't but there needs to be and I can't think because without you how am I supposed to and I shouldn't be like this and I should keep it together for you but I can't because it's too hard but it's not fair on you but I can't help it and everything's wrong and I'm not okay and you're not okay and life sucks but death sucks even more." She starts to cry because she feels bad for what she just said. You're not supposed to say that to someone who is dying but I don't mind. I don't want someone to tell me that everything's okay and that I'll be fine and that they're trying everything they can and I can survive because I can't. I need the truth and I need her.
"It's okay Clary, don't be strong for me, I'll be strong for you. I'll always be strong for you." I say "I don't need you to tell me I'm okay because I'm quite clearly not, I mean look at me I'm a complete mess I don't think I've ever been this unattractive yet I'm still pretty hot you have to admit," I say being my usual jokey self to get her to smile. She smiles. I smile.
"Jace, you are so amazing" she says
"Well of course I am!" I say squeezing her hand.
I hurt again. I feel pain again, I feel sad again I feel scared gain. I don't have long I can tell. I won't close my eyes because I want to spend every last moment looking at her and seeing her and being with her because she is perfect and amazing and gorgeous and wonderful and she is mine. She is mine and she I my everything. Nothing else in the world matters but her and nothing could ever matter but her because there is nothing that could ever possibly be that is more than her. I need her. I need her to be happy, I need her to remember me but only with happiness, I need her to look back at us and smile and not be sad and not smile and seem happy but actually be sad but smile and seem happy and actually be happy because we were happy and she was happy and I was happy and she is happy.
I start to cry. I cry and cry and I can't stop because I'm scared and I love her and she loves me but I won't be here much longer and we need more time and I cry and with every tear I cry more. Every tear is more sadness and more love and more fear than I've ever felt in my life and I know that this will never end because I will remember and she will remember and we will remember and that's all we need is to remember because if we remember than we still are.
I can feel myself slipping away. I can't hear her words anymore I can only see her words and her words look beautiful and she looks beautiful and she is strong. I can feel myself slipping but I don't want to because I'm scared but I'm slipping more. I'm slipping further and further away her hand is the only thing left, her hand in my hand holding on, holding on to me, me holding onto her onto life and onto everything. She squeezes my hand and I let go.