Oblina In Wonderland
An Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: Being an insane Tim Burton fangirl, and rather fond of Lewis Carroll as well, this story was inevitable. It doesn't matter how much Oblina wishes we could have just avoided this plot.
"It's a bee-yoo-ti-ful day for a ballgame folks as Deeter steps up to the plate. Here comes the wind-up, and the pitch, steee-rike one!" the announcer intoned.
The entire crowd booed, including Ickis. "What are you, blind? That was so far outside it might has well have been in Flushing Meadows!" Ickis protested.
"ICKIS!" hissed Oblina. "Stop watching the humans, and start scaring them!"
"I will, just as soon as Jared Deeter finishes his at-bat. Didja know he's leading the league in RBI's?" Ickis chattered excitedly.
"I don't care if he's leading the league in RUA Simpleton's. You can't just sit there, wasting everybody's time like this. You are not ever going to get a better opportunity to frighten these people. Do you think that if you sit there long enough a scare is just going to fall into your lap, after crashing out of the sky?" she demanded. There was a loud, cracking sound as Deeter's bat connected with the ball.
"Oh wow. It's a foul ball! They make the -best- souvenirs. Step aside, Oblina, I have got to go for this!" Ickis insisted.
Oblina refused to yield. "This is exactly the kind of behavior I was telling you about. You are unfocused, undisciplined, unaware of your surround-OOF!" Oblina felt a sharp sensation of pain, as the ball conked her on the head. She staggered, feeling a trifle loopy.
"You alright, Oblina? That ball must've been going at least 80 miles..." Ickis' voice faded out, as Oblina's vision went dark.
When Oblina opened her eyes again, she didn't recognize where she was. The stadium was gone, as well as every other landmark she knew in the city. There was no sign of the dump or her beloved Academy underneath it, only a long and winding rabbit-hole. Had she stumbled down it somehow? Oblina hear a pitiful moan and caught a glimpse of someone flop-eared in the distance. She ran towards him, waving frantically to get his attention, but was shocked at what she saw.
"Icky! There you are! What has happened to your fur, it is so pale! Have you fallen ill, again? I keep telling you to be more careful, you know combustible monsters have a lowered immune response..." she started to lecture.
"Who's Icky?" the creature reacted with surprise and annoyance. "I'm the White Rabbit and you have put me behind schedule!"
"I beg your pardon? I thought you were someone else." confessed Oblina. "I came to the ballgame with Ickis and he has disappeared on me."
The White Rabbit seemed more interesting in consulting his clock, than he did in hearing her plight. "I'm late for a very important date, no time to say hello, goodbye, I'm late!" he lamented. And with that, the White Rabbit hopped off into the distance, but he kept glancing back, as if he expected Oblina to follow.
Oblina rolled her eyes. "It must be a dream, if Ickis has managed to find himself a date." she muttered. Still, he was the only creature she'd seen far in this abnormal landscape, and she didn't intend to lose sight of him until after he'd helped her get home. "Where are you going? I need your assistance. Don't you run off while I am talking!" Oblina demanded.
"I told you, I'm LATE. The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep." the White Rabbit insisted.
Oblina considered this. The White Rabbit might be a trifle more educated than her Ickis. Then again, he might have heard that saying from TV or found it in a book with illustrations. "Slow down. You are not even giving me a chance to catch up!" she yelled angrily.
"Last night I had the strangest dream,
I sailed away to China
In a little rowboat to find ya
And you said you had to get your laundry clean
Didn't want no one to hold you, what does that mean?
And you said ain't nothing gonna break'a my stride
Nobody gonna slow me down, oh no, I've got to keep on moving
Ain't nothing gonna break'a my stride, I'm running and I won't touch ground, oh no, I've got to keep on moving!" sang the White Rabbit, complete with jazzy claw-snapping.
Another MTV addict, she was sure of it. "I could break'a my leg, following after you! Have you never heard of a rest stop?" she complained. "I am tired, and hungry, and far from my home." Her stomach rumbled in protest and she noticed a tantalizing aroma lofting on the air. She could stop for just a teensy bite first, before continuing her pursuit of Bouncy McBoing-Boing, the twitchy little bunny.
He was almost out of ear-shot, but she found she didn't miss him terribly. In front of her was a juicy piece of lice cake and a tall mug of hot crude oil. Just one bite, it couldn't hurt. Oblina gave an appreciative sniff and then chewed the moist cake. It was so delicious, she felt on top of the world, like she was 10 ft tall... which actually WASN'T that far off. Oblina let out a scream as she watched herself continue to grow. Was this what looming felt like? No wonder Ickis was often so cranky, if it was this painful! She could actually feel her bones growing and her skin stretching tighter and tighter. How could anyone even breathe while performing this stunt?
She whirled around in a panic. Her throat was on fire, if she could just manage to swallow something, she'd be able to think more clearly. With slow, careful maneuvering she was able to hold the mug between the tips of two fingers and gulp down the liquid. Mmm, that was so much better. She could feel her limbs contracting. It was so much better to be a normal height... which was why she was so frustrated when she kept on shrinking anyway.
"Aaaah! What fresh horror is this?" she wailed. "I'm... I'm small!"
"I'd have used the term 'petite' dear." a voice called to her. Oblina looked up, and saw the benevolent face of her school librarian, Nesdak. Although she was wearing the strangest hooded jacket, and it almost made her look as if she had antennas.
"Nesdak? Is that you?" Oblina asked tentatively.
"Yes and no. I am me, which is to say you would refer to me as you. But I am not Nesdak, I am the Caterpillar." she explained.
"Please, Ms. Caterpillar you must help me!" begged Oblina.
"Why? You are the one best suited to help yourself, is that not what you are always telling others?" questioned the Caterpillar.
"Yes but that was before!" Oblina insisted.
"Ah. You feel you are helpless, now that you are tiny." the Caterpillar grinned. "I wonder what else changed with you, along with your height."
"Nothing has changed! I am Oblina, the top student in my class!" Oblina argued. "My height is merely happenstance, and not an outward reflection of my true demeanor!"
"Glad to hear it. You may be able to navigate Wonderland after all." the Caterpillar demurred.
"Wonderland? Is that the name of this place? It does not seem very wonderful to me!" Oblina stated.
"It grows on you. Usually within the next 60 seconds, although I admit I have not been maintaining a precise count as of late." the Caterpillar remarked.
Oblina gasped as she returned to her normal, perfectly-advantageous-to-scaring size. "Hooray! I am me again!" she happily declared.
"Oh, but you always were. Take care now Oblina. You'll find not ALL the residents are as they appear." the Caterpillar suggested cryptically.
"That's right, I was following a white rabbit! A rather hyperactive bunny, at that, not at all what I am used to." she insisted. "Do you have any idea where he's gone to?"
"You mean the cowardly be-bopping bunny? I'm sure I wouldn't know a thing about him, but there is a party happening just over the hill, perhaps someone there will provide an answer." suggested the Caterpillar.
"Thank you, thank you, I shall go there straight away!" Oblina promised. But when she turned to thank her new benefactor, she found the creature was nowhere in sight.
Once she climbed the hill she say there were more of her classmates, gathered around a fancy outdoor picnic. Except they weren't behaving exactly the way the monsters she knew would. Snav was wearing bunny slippers, and Blib had on a rather garish top-hat. Dizzle, who was napping in the corner, seemed to have appropriated one of those silly novelty hats with the large, circular ears and someone had drawn whiskers on her face with an eyebrow pencil.
"I'm the March Hare, and the Mad Hatter and I are hosting a fabulous party. The Dormouse was the first party-goer to arrive. Are you our guest?" the March Hare called out, obviously pleased with the introductions. "She's our guest, she's our guest, heaven's sake, well I'll be blessed..."
Oblina groaned. "I am NOT your guest. I am merely a monster who was passing through, trying to find a different rabbit." she explained grumpily.
"Another rabbit, you say? Was he small, shrill, and terminally tardy?" asked the March Hare.
"That's him!" Oblina declared.
"Never saw him before in my life." the March Hare laughed. "But do stay for tea, we're having Dar Jeeling."
"I've got Dar Feeling you'll enjoy it tremendously." added the Mad Hatter.
"No thank you. I had a bad experience with food and beverages just a few moments ago." she admitted.
"Was THAT all the Caterpillar offered you? She's got LOTS stronger stuff." the Mad Hatter insisted.
"Somehow that doesn't surprise me." Oblina muttered.
The Dormouse yawned. "If you like surprises, you'll love the Duchess' house. I heard she's hired even more servants to attend her. You should see the new one. He's a bit of a bungler, but he knows how to accessorize. That clock of his is most impressive." she indicated casually.
Oblina's eyes widened. "Tell me where this Duchess lives!" she wanted to know.
The Dormouse looked irritated. "I think pushy girls are so gweebie, don't you? She lives down that-a-way, right across from the Mock Turtle. You won't have any trouble with HER. She's sweet, totally!"
Oblina didn't consider that a ringing endorsement, but she knew what she had to do.
There was Hairyette, almost exactly as Oblina had remembered her. She was dressed in an olive-green turtleneck and slouched in the middle of the road, effectively blocking Oblina's way.
"Come on, Hairy-er, Mock Turtle! I need to use this passageway RIGHT NOW." Oblina ordered.
The Mock Turtle shook her head. "But I don't want you to go yet! I'm so exceedingly bored that I never let anyone get past without first telling me a poem." the Mock Turtle stubbornly declared.
Oblina frowned. Poetry wasn't really her forte, although there was one rhyme she'd never forgotten. "The Gromble is fat..." Oblina began.
"No, no, no, I've already heard that one!" snapped the Mock Turtle.
Oblina tried again. "Eeny meeny slimy guts. Catch a monster by the nuts." she recited, blushing furiously.
The Mock Turtle laughed. "Oh, you have the dirtiest sense of humor. We simply must get together, sometime, just us girls. Right then, you may go through!" she chirped.
Oblina sighed. She couldn't think of how things could possibly get worse, but then she knocked on the Duchess' door.
"Slave boy! Hurry up and get that!" a peevish voice called out.
The White Rabbit gloomily answered the door. However, his face positively lit up when he recognized Oblina. "Fancy meeting you here! Didja have a nice trip, do a little sight-seeing? I've heard there are some romancing spots along the garden paths, by the Castle." he thoughtfully pointed out.
"Slave boy! Stop fraternizing with the locals!" the other monster snapped. Oblina recognized her immediately. It was Horrifica, the most popular girl in school, now with a flowing cape for added tackiness.
"Yeep!" the White Rabbit ducked back inside.
"Hello Miss Duchess. I was just passing through and thought I'd drop in on a Very Important Monster." she gracefully stated.
"But of course. I am -the- most important citizen of Wonderland. Outside of the Royal Family, that is. But it's a really a minor detail." the Duchess proudly declared. "Step into my parlor, and I shall tell you ALL about it."
Oblina hesitated, but decided it was safer to obey the domineering diva. "It's a very... large domicile you have here." Oblina admitted.
"Oh my, yes. You would not believe how many slave boys I go through, just to keep it looking so spectacularly slovenly. This new one is a bit slow on the uptake, but I'm confident I can break him in soon enough." she announced.
Oblina gulped. "Is that what you do, down here? I'm not sure I shall ever get the hang of this universe, if one's greatest ambition is to enslave their peers." Oblina confessed.
"That's where you make your first mistake, Oblina, by thinking of them as peers. Boys are all little idiots, but they can be dealt with easily enough. You just have to beat them whenever they do something you don't find hebopply." the Duchess insisted as she bullied the White Rabbit into serving them a snack. "I told you I like it spicy, you sniveling little shrimp! Add some more pepper to my plate or be gone." With a sigh, the White Rabbit sprinkled more seasoning on to her food. "Would you like to try ordering him around, my dear? I don't usually share but I do make exceptions for house guests."
Oblina fidgeted. "I'd really rather not, it would seem a bit... sudden, don't you think?" Oblina protested meekly. The White Rabbit nodded in brisk agreement, then sneezed. The Duchess promptly punched him in the nose.
"I -hade- my life." the White Rabbit whined. Oblina couldn't help but giggle. Some things were proving to be a universal constant.
"Not hebopply enough." the Duchess corrected. "Start them young, Oblina, it is the only way they'll ever learn." She gave the White Rabbit another solid punch for good measure.
Oblina flinched. "Yes, you've made several very unusual points, mmm-hmm. And I would -love- to chat with you some more but I need to go the little monster's room. If your slave boy would be so gracious as to show me the way, I would be most satisfied." Oblina ventured with a nervous grin.
"Slave boy! Take her to the toilet and be quick about it!" the Duchess snapped. "You have more cooking to do, and cleaning, not to mention all the yard-work I have planned. I've been meaning to put a moat and drawbridge outside for ages!"
The White Rabbit scrunched up his nose as he walked. "Id's ober dere." he stated, pointing to a room on her left.
"Perfect! You and I shall jump into the toilet and be out of here, quick as a flash!" Oblina assured him.
The White Rabbit stared at her in disbelief. "Su'zide pagt? I neber tried dat a'fore but if id's wit' you, id's okay." he rationalized.
"Nothing of the sort. A toilet is a toilet, wherever you go!" she promised brightly. She grabbed one of his claws and together they dived in.
Oblina and the White Rabbit emerged only a few miles further down the road, but she had never been so anxious to leave a mansion behind. If possible, the White Rabbit seemed even happier.
"You hab saved by life, I ab edernally gradeful!" squealed the White Rabbit, as he hugged her.
"I'd be eternally grateful if you wiped your nose before you start clinging to other monsters, ugh!" Oblina stated testily. "Honestly, you are even lazier than the other Ickis."
The White Rabbit sniffed indignantly. "Sorry I cad ca'pete wit' your squidge." he mumbled.
Oblina punched him in the nose. Maybe she could learn a thing or two from the Duchess. "Focus! We need to find whoever's in charge here, see if they can help." Oblina declared.
The White Rabbit pondered this for several minutes. She was starting to becoming very impatient with him when he finally piped up his suggestion. "We could go to the castle. The King, Queen, and Knave of Hearts all live there and between them, they pretty much run this place into the ground!"
Oblina sighed. "A monarchy. What a truly revolutionary way to run a country." she muttered.
"It's not so bad." the White Rabbit offered. "Things are alot simpler when you don't have to think for yourself. Before I met you, I hardly ever had an independent thought and look how I turned out!"
Oblina shuddered. "I'd rather not." she indicated.
"Heh heh heh. If it isn't my most favorite victim." a voice called from above. The White Rabbit froze immediately.
Oblina looked up and groaned. "Of course, Zimbo WOULD be here too." she grumbled.
"Who's Zimbo? Did the Queen get another Guardsmen? I thought Tweedledee and Tweedledum were bad enough, they've always hated me!" moaned the White Rabbit.
"Mm-hmm, and how does that help differentiate them from the rest of the cast?" mused Oblina.
"They're more violent about it." the White Rabbit explained.
"Time for your beatings, silly rabbit. I see you have brought a little squishy with you, ex-cellent! My partner Tweedledum has been wanting to get more poundings in." jeered Tweedledee.
"Also, they like to pummel anyone who's unlucky enough to be close to me." added the White Rabbit.
"I think you should have mentioned that before-hand!" snarled Oblina as she side-stepped Tweedledum's massive club.
The White Rabbit shrugged. "Sorry, it wasn't in the script until now." he professed.
"Whoever wrote this episode should DIE!" Oblina vehemently declared.
"Stand still and take your punishment, you insolent interlopers!" announced Tweedledee.
The White Rabbit cowered in fear while Oblina thought of a plan. "I s'pose we would have to stand still in order for Tweedledum to hit us. Isn't that why you are always making fun of him? You even included 'dumb' in his name!" Oblina boldly claimed.
Tweedledum stopped swinging his club instantly and glowered at his partner.
"Dumb is such a harsh word. I only meant it in reference to your lack of vocalizations." Tweedledee hastily explained.
"I can understand that. What I can't fathom is why you called him moronic and useless." added Oblina. Tweedledum snarled and immediately tackled his cohort. The White Rabbit watched them in awe. "Don't stand there gawking, bunny boy, this is our chance to escape!" she hissed.
"Wow." the White Rabbit let out an audible sigh of relief as he hopped alongside her. "You were AWESOME back there. You must be the smartest girl I've ever known! Admittedly, there wasn't a lot of competition around here, but still!"
"I do have my moments." Oblina cheerfully acknowledged. "Now I presume that is the last obstacle before we reach the castle?"
The White Rabbit thoughtfully examined his clock. "No, I think there's time for one more." he admitted.
"Boo!" another monster materialized right in from them, starting with his toes and ending with his free-rolling eyeballs.
"Krummy! I should have known you'd be here as well!" Oblina declared.
"I'm the Cheshire Cat." he informed her. "See the striped mittens? That's a little tip-off as to my role in all this. I'm somewhere between 'trickster mentor' and 'eldritch abomination', depending on the author."
"That's very interesting." Oblina smiled tentatively. "We were just on our way to the Castle, perhaps you'd like to join us?" she inquired.
"No can do! The Queen's been on the warpath lately, ever since the Knave stole the squishy tarts!" the Cheshire Cat assured them.
The White Rabbit gasped. "How could he! Those were meant for a special occasion!" he wailed.
"Although I believe that theft is an inexcusably criminal act, I fail to see what is so impressive about 'squishy tarts', I've never even heard of such nonsense." Oblina allowed.
"No way! Squishy tarts are incredibly rare and powerful. You give them to somebody, and then they eat them, and voila! Instant squish." the White Rabbit grinned cheekily. "Imagine what I could do if I got my claws on the recipe!"
"I imagine you would be in big trouble." Oblina wisely noted. "There are few things more irritating then a little monster with a squish."
"Yup. That's gotta be why the Queen is having the Knave beheaded." the Cheshire Cat informed them.
"Whaaat? You cannot be serious, I will not allow a fellow monster to be executed. We shall go to the castle immediately and rescue him!" Oblina boldly announced.
The White Rabbit scowled. "You're rescuing ANOTHER monster? But you've already saved me! Oblina, stop! I thought what we had was special!" he yelled as they hurried to the Castle.
Oblina pounded on the Castle walls. "Let us in. We are here to put a stop to a great miscarriage of justice!" she vowed.
"And if you have any old cookbooks lying around, you just let me know!" added the White Rabbit. Oblina glared at him. "I thought it was worth asking." he sheepishly confessed.
A massive green monster strode into view. His red tiara perfectly complimented his high-heeled shoes. Next to him stood a squat blue monster with a single yellow eye, who wore a jeweled crown. That meant the Gromble and Dr. Kott were the Queen and King of Wonderland. Well, Oblina s'posed she had seen stranger things, after all she had witnessed Ickis save his friends from peril a time or two.
"This had better be good." hissed the Queen. "Squishums, would you please fetch the prisoner for me? I'm so looking forward to the entertainment."
"Sure, why not? I could always use a good laugh." answered the King.
"It is no laughing matter." Oblina insisted. "You cannot just run around beheading everyone who angers you for some reason."
"You're not from around here, are you?" sneered the Queen. "I live by the Toenail Rule. I have the toenails, and I make the rules. The Knave shall be punished!"
The King returned, escorting the Knave in handcuffs. Unsurprisingly, it was Gludge, who looked much the same as ever, only with the addition of a small ringlet encircling his head. "Can't we do this execution on the other side of the Castle? The shadows are so much more ghastly over there, it compliments my hideousness entirely." he claimed.
Oblina was mildly disappointed. "That's who we're saving?" she asked.
"Wasn't my idea, Oblina." the White Rabbit pointed out.
Oblina shrugged. "I think it would be hypocritical of us to back out now." she remarked.
"Maybe we can convince the Queen to be lenient through the power of rock!" the White Rabbit suggested gamely, brandishing a harmonica.
Oblina groaned. "LIke the ones in your head? No, I've got a much better idea." She stood up straighter, and turned to address the Queen. "Please, your Highness, I must insist that the Knave not be treated in this manner. Let the punishment fit the crime, I say! He has stolen your squishy tarts, and he should be the one to bake another batch. I heard the Duchess is in need of a cook." she hinted broadly.
"She DID just fire me." indicated the White Rabbit.
"Must not have done a very good job, I don't see the scorch marks." commented the Queen. "Nevertheless, I find myself intrigued by the way you think, Oblina. Yes, I shall issue the proclamation immediately. The Knave is to work off his debt alongside the Duchess!"
"Hooray for the Queen! Long live the Queen! Hooray for Oblina in her infinite wisdom!" the citizens chanted as they exited the Castle.
The White Rabbit turned to her. "Now that all this is over, I guess it means I'm free for the evening. If you're not doing anything..." he began.
Oblina began to cry. "Why, why, why, won't it stop?" she wondered aloud.
"What's wrong, Oblina? You've saved everybody, you should be happy!" the White Rabbit told her.
"But I haven't saved myself." she explained between sobs. "I belong in the Academy with all my friends, not stuck here surrounded by small annoying creatures. No offense." she added.
"You should have said something before! Let me just fast-forward to the finale!" announced the White Rabbit as he spun the hands on his clock. Oblina gasped as they emerged in front of the rabbit-hole that she had first seen when she entered the kingdom.
"You could do THAT, all along? What didn't you mention it sooner?" she demanded.
"I wanted to spend more time with you." the White Rabbit insisted.
She scowled. "And you never stopped to think that taking me hostage might be counter-productive?!" Oblina asked incredulously.
He gave her a bittersweet smile. "Oblina, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number..." offered the White Rabbit.
"I'm not calling you!" Oblina snapped. "Not even if I was ever unfortunate enough to come back to this insane universe!"
"I'm also okay with loving you from afar!" the White Rabbit yelled after her as she crawled up through the tunnel and disappeared.
"She's coming round, guys! I think she's alright! Hey Oblina, how many eyes am I holding up?" Krumm asked. She blinked, and everything came back into focus.
"That's a bit of a trick question, isn't it? For while you are holding two eyes in total, you have one in each hand." Oblina replied.
Ickis, Krumm, and the Gromble all breathed sighs of relief. "Good girl." the Gromble commented. "Always so astute."
"She's made a remarkable recovery, I'll give her that." the Doctor concurred.
"Oblina! I'm sooo glad you woke up! I was really, truly worried! Oh, if anything had happened to you I'd never forgive myself!" Ickis wailed.
"I'd never forgive him either." the Gromble emphatically stated.
"You kept thrashing about in your sleep. Must've been having an extremely vivid dream." the Doctor informed her.
"But it wasn't a dream! It was a place. And you- and you- and you- and YOU were there! " she exclaimed, pointing to every monster in the hospital room. She took a deep breath, then seemed to collect her wits more. "But you couldn't have been, could you?" she inquired.
Ickis beamed. "Was I the dashing hero who rescued the world from sure destruction?" he asked eagerly.
"No, you were more like the whiny, little sidekick." Oblina told him. "My dream felt as though it had SOME basis in reality."
Ickis looked crestfallen. "For you, I'd make a very good hero." he whispered forlornly.
Oblina sighed. Ickis had obviously been concerned about her, and at least he wasn't -quite- as blatant about his squish as the White Rabbit had been. Still, if he ever got out of line, she was punching him for sure.
~~~The End.
Author's Note: You probly won't see many fairy tales like this. It does play up another universal constant, Ickis failing to get the girl. Keep trying to earn your "happy ever after", bunny boy!