Chapter 1:
Danny Williams opened his eyes to the sounds of creaking and movement down the hall. Danny stayed lying on his stomach, but turned his head to his left.
It was empty. Danny sighed as he looked at the clock. 6:00. Really? He placed his head back on the pillow.
He's at it again.
Danny closed his eyes, clenching his teeth, muscles contracting with tension as frustration filled every inch of him. It's too early to be angry, just let it go. . .
But he couldn't let this go. Every morning it was like this.
He wakes up this early for what? To workout for an hour and a half before work! Seriously? Why can't he do it at any other time. . .or maybe even do it less? Does he need to do it for an hour and a half?
Danny opened his eyes and turned over on his back. He stared at the ceiling. Now I have to get up. He rolled his eyes and heaved himself out of the bed.
Just ignore it. . .no use fighting over it.
Danny grabbed the pillows and sheets on the bed and started to fix up the bed. He thought about himself and his husband, Steve McGarrett.
Things were on thin ice between them. They had been fighting more and more lately. About the most stupid things a couple could fight about, too. Danny didn't know why, but he felt an emptiness as he thought about their marriage.
Almost 4 years. . .and this is what it's coming to. . .already.
Danny fluffed a pillow and set it on the bed after he had pulled the sheets up and neatly placed them on the mattress. What's happening to us? Danny grabbed the other pillow and fluffed it the same, setting it on his side.
Danny went to shower because he knew Steve would want to shower right after his workout. And that will leave us little to no time to get to work. . .as usual. Danny lividly went to the bathroom and showered.
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All Steve could hear was the music that blasted into his ears as he ran suicides down the street. Sweat poured down his face as he came to a stop. He looked at his phone. It had only been 25 minutes. God, I'm outta shape. He ran into his backyard and went to do more endurance practices. Come on, I can do this.
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"Can you pass the napkins, please?" Steve asked.
Danny ignored him, reading the newspaper. Maybe if he just pretended he didn't hear Steve, Steve would figure something out.
"Pass the napkins, please." Steve repeated, gritting his teeth. Did they have to go through this irritating playback every morning? Steve watched Danny as the man continued to ignore him and read the paper.
"Danny! Would you just pass the damn napkins?!" Steve's voice rose in frustration and exasperation.
Danny slammed the paper down. "Do you have to yell?!"
"Well, when I ask you several times to do something, and you don't do it, that's the only way I can think to get you to listen!"
Danny sighed. He took the napkin holder and shoved it towards Steve. "Can you take the trash out this morning?" He took the paper back up in his hands.
Steve looked up and glared at Danny as he took a napkin from the holder. Yeah, I have nothing better to do this morning than to take out the trash. Not wanting to cause more of a fight, he gritted his teeth and suppressed the need to snap out an angry retort at Danny. "Fine."
"What is with the attitude, Steve?" Danny asked exasperatedly as he set down the paper again. "Really? If you have a problem, state it. Don't be a child about it."
"I don't have an attitude! Why nitpick, Danny? Seriously! All I did was agree to your request. . .why?! I don't know! Probably because I have nothing better to do in the mornings than do what you ask of me, right?"
"It takes 3 minutes! What is the big deal?!"
Steve stood up from the table. "I'm going for another run." He placed earbuds in his ears and walked out of the kitchen and out his front door.
Danny sighed and gritted his teeth. "Unbelievable." He mumbled under his breath. He couldn't read anymore. He was too angry. He folded the newspaper angrily and placed it on the table. He placed his half finished plate and coffee cup in the sink and went upstairs to get ready for the work day.
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Steve ran.
He ran hard.
He passed the stop sign that was half a quarter mile from the house and passed the coffee shop that was a few blocks down.
He choked as he ran. It was getting more and more difficult to breathe. A stitch ran up his side near his ribs. He could feel his throat begin to close. He could feel tears come.
He slowed and walked down a trail that was hidden from the public. He breathed hard as tears ran down his face. He couldn't stop as he choked out a sob. He walked to the beach and sat down in the sand. He still breathed hard and it was still difficult as his chest tightened with more tears.
Why am I crying? We've been in tougher situations than this. Okay, maybe we weren't arguing with each other in those situations, but still.
Steve closed his eyes and took in a breath. He needed to stay calm. Everything will be okay. He opened his eyes and watched the shoreline as waves lapped up on the sand. He sniffed and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. He let out a sigh. Hopefully, everything will be okay between us.
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Danny typed vigorously at his computer. He was so frustrated with everything that he could barely contain himself. He knew that this was work and he needed to separate himself from the emotions he was feeling at the moment.
Danny stopped. It would've helped if he hadn't made me late. . . I hate being late! And he knows that? So why isn't it important to him if it's important to me?!
Danny shook his head. Danny, stop. Just stop. This is work. It needs to be kept that way. It's not some place where personal life gets in the way of the work that needs to be done. Danny breathed in deeply and let out the breath. I can't be thinking this here. This isn't good for anyone.
*Knock, knock*
Danny looked up to see Steve poking his head in the office. "Hey."
Danny swallowed. "Hey." He replied a little cooly looking down at his desk.
Steve stepped in and closed the door. He walked slowly up to the desk. "Look, uh. . ." He paused as he placed his hands on Danny's desk and leaned over it slightly. "This morning was kind of rough and-"
"Look, Steve. Just forget it, okay?" Danny said as he turned to pick up his phone and dial the number to Max's office.
"Danny, can we talk about this please?" Steve asked, pushing away from the desk.
Danny looked up quickly at Steve. "Steve, there's nothing to talk about." He gave a small smile to Steve. It felt so fake. "Let's just forget it, okay?"
Steve was about to protest. He and Danny needed to discuss things. Now was not the time, it would seem. When will be the right time? When he decides that there are better partners out there than me? When we look at each other across the room and just know that. . .we can't be together any more? When we end up in court because we want a divorce?
"Hey, Max."
Steve felt lost as he looked at Danny talking on the phone to Max. He turned and walked out of the office to his own. He felt like crap and just wanted this thing, whatever it was, with Danny to end.
He thought about their relationship. Presently, it felt like laundry in a laundry basket. One thing piled on top of another. Things were dirty. . .torn. . .stained. Steve had to wonder if it would it ever stop.
If it would ever get better.
He walked into his office and closed the door. He went to his desk chair and sat down. He turned to look out the window.
What's happening to us?
Steve sighed and looked to the stack of files on his desk. He took in a deep breath to help clear his head. It didn't help.
*Knock, knock.*
Steve looked up and saw Chin Ho Kelly at his office door.
"Hey."
Steve sat up slightly, giving the detective a weak smile. "Hey. What's up, man?"
Chin lifted some envelopes in his hands as he walked to Steve's desk. "Invitations. Well, mine was an invitation, as was Kono's. . .so I'm presuming yours and Danny's are as well."
"Invitations? For what?"
Chin grinned. "You'll never guess."
Steve grinned with furrowed brows as he took the letter and opened it. He pulled the white paper out of the envelope. He read the elegant, silvery print and laughed out loud. "You've got to be joking!"
Chin laughed at his reaction. "He's not. He's having a party and he's inviting us as the guests of honor."
Steve laughed out loud. "Why? I got the impression Governor Denning didn't like us all that much."
"He likes us. . ." Chin paused after squinting. "Well, he's okay with us. He probably didn't appreciate the stunts you've pulled over the past few months. Admit it. . .you two have butted heads over how certain things have been handled in the past."
Steve grinned. "I'll admit it. . .not willingly."
Chin chuckled. "Are you going?"
Steve shrugged. "Well, if it's in our honor, I kinda have to. Kono going?"
Chin nodded. "She's excited about getting a new gown."
"Of course she is. She getting new shoes, too?" Steve asked with a smile.
"Oh, well, she'll have to. Shoes have to match the dress." Chin laughed.
Steve chuckled as well. "Oh, boy."
"You're telling me." Chine smiled.
A silence fell between them. Steve watched it fade and furrowed his brow. "What's up?"
Chin looked over his shoulder and out the office door. He looked back at Steve and looked down at the man's desk. He looked unsure. "Are you and Danny okay?" He looked up at Steve with raised eyebrows.
Steve was shocked at the question but took it in stride. "Yeah. We're fine."
"Are you sure? Because. . .from what it seems like. . ."
Steve looked him in the eye. "We're fine."
Chin stared back at him. "Convince me, then." He said.
Steve tilted his head as he watched the man walk out of the office. He thought that it was odd that Chin would say something like that. However, Steve shook his head, cleared his head from the subject, and he went back to work.
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Steve and Danny walked into the house. It was dark.
Steve flipped on a nearby switch that turned on the lights in the living area. Steve crossed the room and sat down in the armchair, putting his head back and closing his eyes. As much as he loved his job, it sure was a lot of work. He was exhausted.
Danny walked into the kitchen. He walked to a cabinet, pulled out a glass, and headed to the sink. He filled up the glass, turned the faucet off, and took a long drink from it. He filled the glass back up and drank a little more before setting it on the counter for a moment. He had looked over to the garbage can, which was piling over with trash just like it was this morning. Danny felt anger seep into soul as he gritted his teeth and grabbed his glass. He chugged the water, and set it down with force. He walked out of the kitchen to the living room.
"Why didn't you take the trash out this morning?" Danny asked aggressively.
Steve opened his eyes and looked at Danny. He could hear the annoyance and assertiveness in his voice. Steve felt exasperated. Couldn't they go a few minutes without fighting or tension between them?
"Because I. . .didn't have time, I. . .forgot." Steve responded, annoyance finding its way through despite Steve trying to hide it.
"Because you were too busy 'going out for another run'." Danny retorted back, his own annoyance rising in his voice.
Steve noticed the gestures. Danny always got gesturey when he was really pissed off. . .or feeling an extreme emotion of any kind. "Sorry that I'm concerned for my health and well being. So what if I was? Is that a crime now?" Steve retaliated as he stood out of his chair to square his stance to Danny who stood across the room.
"If it prevents you from doing some chores every once in a while, yes, it is!" Danny answered with a raised voice.
"What do you mean 'every once in a while'? I do chores as much as you!" Steve rose his own voice as he heard Danny's voice raised in volume.
"No, you don't. I am always doing the chores around here, whether it's doing the laundry, or the dishes, or cleaning rooms! You never help out!"
Steve couldn't take this. He knew this wasn't about the chores. It wasn't about the housework. This was clearly about something else. But he was tired. He felt hurt enough as it was from the fighting that happened between them this morning along with the added arguing at the moment.
"Well, maybe since I don't help out enough, you should find someone else who will." As soon as the words were out, Steve wished he could take them back. It shocked him. It. . .startled him, to be honest. He couldn't believe he would say something like that to Danny.
"Yeah, maybe I should." Danny was shocked at his own response. He didn't mean it. He wished he could take it back. Why would he say that to me? Why would I say that to him?
They looked to see each other's expressions. They were both filled with hurt but that was quickly overruled by the fiery anger that rose within them. They could both see it in the other's eyes.
Danny heatedly turned to go upstairs.
"Danny, where are you going?" Steve asked with exasperation.
"I'm going to bed."
Steve sighed as he heard Danny stride upstairs and slam the bedroom door. He knew he couldn't let Danny go to bed without them talking about this, but he was tired. I shouldn't have to apologize. Danny was totally out of place saying he never did anything around the house. He did plenty.
I shouldn't have to justify myself to Danny with every little thing I do. This is getting out of hand.
Steve walked into the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge. He then went to the pantry and pulled out a quarter filled bag of chips. He tossed the bag of chips on the counter and unrolled them. Steve opened up the beer and took a long drink. He stopped and wiped his lips. He grabbed a couple of chips from the bag and brought them to his mouth. He brought some more as he could feel himself becoming more and more upset.
Steve looked over at the bag and felt a familiar sense of guilt, shame, and rage. At himself. God, I need to stop eating when I get in these situations. That's why I'm so out of shape.
He took the bag and rolled it bag up. He walked to the pantry and shoved it back on the shelf. He strode to the counter and took up his beer. He drank from it. His thoughts wandered back to Danny.
What the hell was happening to them? Was it possible that they were falling out of sync with each other? Falling out of love? Or maybe their true colors were showing now, and maybe they never truly loved each other at all.
No. We did. We do. Don't we?
Steve could feel the tears he felt that morning again. He scratched hard at the beer bottle's label, trying to ease the sorrow he felt. Could he be loosing Danny, the one person he has ever loved?
Meanwhile, Danny had slammed the bedroom door and stripped off his clothes, throwing them into the hamper near the bathroom door.
This was getting ridiculous. They were fighting all the time. They fought the night before, just this morning, and now. . .
Danny crawled into their bed, pulling the covers over him, facing away from the door. He felt tears begin to find their way to his rims.
He couldn't do this. It felt too much like the days he was worrying about him and Rachel falling apart. Hell, who was he kidding. He and Steve were falling apart. Danny blinked and tears trickled down his cheeks as he stroked the place where Steve usually slept next to him, his fingers drifting to the man's pillow. This couldn't be happening.
Maybe. . .
They were falling out of love.
This was it.
Steve found his way into the spare room upstairs. He couldn't wake Danny up. Surly that would start yet another fight. He set himself down on the bed on his side. Steve caressed the corner of the other pillow. He missed Danny lying next to him, he missed holding him through the night, waking up to his ridiculous hair, his smiling face, and his gentle kisses. How long could they go without talking about things? Would their marriage even last? Steve grasped the pillow and the sheet as he silently cried into his pillow.
As they laid in separate beds, with the moon shining through the bedroom windows onto their bodies, they both wished against their thoughts of this being their end. It hurt them so much to think that. It felt like their hearts were tearing apart and ripping from their chests. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to think, it hurt to feel.
They couldn't end. Their love couldn't end. The pain they felt enveloped them. Tears gently streamed down their faces as they drifted into restless sleeps.