*Authoritarian's Note* This is from cunaiferm tablet in the tiger-euthanasia river valley. So is also translsation, and not all parts is here.

The Dramatick Story of Gilgamosh and Enkidude

Translaslation by Harley Trian

Chapter One: Enkidude Learns How Babby is Formed

Gilgamosh was pretty bad guy, who more strongest than all guy in world. This because he was 2/3 gods, and 1/3 woman ('cuz ad had made babby with magic god mom who was capable of 2/3 share RNA). Then palace called Urkel was found him then become King. Urkun was place that had written on walls. Walls had much story on them.

Boot all was not wall. People were said because Gilgamosh was form babby with everyone, and take chrilden. So gods were unhappies too, and mad Enikdude to fit him. Enkidude was mad from clay in wilds, and was made by corn goddess. He had many times hair on body, and he not shave because in wilds. Then, trapper was find him in the wilds, and ranned scarred away because he was bend down on grass and eat it like cow. Enkidude was also escape traps for animals, by breaking the traps.

So farmer had plan, and tells trapper to go find priestess who also was prostitute. So he was go ask Gilgamosh fro one to go mak Enkidude know how babby formed. Gilgamosh was say "Okay" and told him to go ask for the Priestesstute Spamhat, best priestess and prostitute in Urkel. So then he show Priestesstute to Enkidude, who understand how babby formed by wild man instincts. Then Spamhat and he was form Babby for six days and se7en nights; and probably got much VD problems.

After the week, Enkidude no longe could speaks with animal friends. But Priestesstute Spamhat was able to tell him to go and become with mans. So she show him to Urkel, and place with lots of stores. Then Enkidude was shave hair and Gilgamosh was have dream about axe. Axe was Eknidude. In meantime, Enkidude learn how eat bread without choke and drink the strong win. So then, Spamhat made a man out of Enkidude.

So, now that Enkidude was man, he could challenge Gilgamosh to thumbwrestle over power to enter house at night and form babby with new wifs. They had massive fight for hurt fingers, and broke building in process. Enkidude was stronger than man, but Gilgamosh still win by using triple joint thumb. Then Gilgamosh realize that Enkidude was totally hot, so they were bro-hug and they were become Xenophonic lovers.

Chapter 2: Gilgamosh and Enkidude Beat Up Hummmbabbababababa.

So mountain guy was kind of jerk who said "Gilgamosh you going to DIE. But you will have the swag." Enkidude herd this, and since he was part sheep man he felt baaad. Gilgamosh then had an idea, and told Enkidude, "We are going to the land of Seedurs! There we will fell big tree of evil monster guy named Humabababbbaabababa!11!1" Enkidude was not happy to her this, as he had scene the Humabababa and was not happy to go fight him. "Humamamabba is too big, and made of battering rams! That is like a sheep, but with big horns!" And he knew this, because was also sheep person.

So, Gilgamosh and Enkideude askeded Shamwow, god of sun, to helps them. Shamshow said "Okay, I help you kill Humababbababa! Mountain guy is totally sucks. But you need to mean it frist!" So Gilgamosh was cry mainly tears, but also blood and razor wire. Shamwows was impressed, so said "Okees! You cool now bro! You can have my wind!" So Shamshwows broke his wind into six flavors, it was hot and cold and fudge swril wind. Gilgamosh was happy.

So then they had forge guy forge Sword of Humababbababa slaying +5 and axe named "Might of Heros" plus bow of Ansan and Enkidude was also get big axe, but not so good because he was sheep. Swords and axe were way 600 pounds together cause were real big for smashin' battering rams. So then they were ready to go kick Humababababa in his fire breath face.

Then Gilgamosh's mom was come over, and tell Enkidude that he was like son, cause was having man love with her real son. She then asked him to make sure Gilgamosh come home safely. So he sad "'K" and they were leave for land of Cedaar. They had to walk for distance equal to month and two weeks. Enkidude almost died from dysentery, but got better. It was like Oregon trail, but faster, but they didn't bring spare axels so there cart broked.

Gilgamosh was kind of mad because of broken cart, so he dug hole in ground to get water. Then he and Enkidude were lay down while hold hands on mountain to get dreams, to help get to sleep, they counted Enkidude because was sheep man. Gilgamosh got two good dreams saying he gonna win, but Enkidudes was suck. Since they had more good dream than bad, Gilgamosh say, "Rawr! We gonna win!" and chopped down first Cedar he see-dared.

Humbabababababababababababab a was not happeh, and yelled "Who has violated my wood with axe! It is not fun for me to not have wood!" Because he was scary and made of big sheep with horns, Gilgamosh lost leg strength. But Enkidude said "Get a hold of yourself dude!" and slapped him in fac. Then Humababababa camed out of his house, and was reel mad, but wasn't wearing his seven magic pants or clothes, only his magic underwear. But Gilgamosh was cut down all his trees, and then Humababba was cry.

"Noooo! You went Chopin my trees, and now it's all romantic! My splendor magics are gone! Now my house is dead!" Then he went and cried home to mountain guy, who was also sad for dead tree. So they sent Hammurabi, man made out of magic ham and two different eyes. One didn't work, because it was cut out of guy who stabbed his out as revengening. So Hammurabbi was all "Stop right there criminal scum! You have broked my code! Now you need pay the price!" So Gilgamosh shrugged, and stabbed him in the chest with big sword, so he turned into a tree. Then he put on a pear of sunglasses and said, "Keep the change." There was rejoicing. But then he was fuse together with Humbababababa to form, Ultimate Cedar Tree Monster Hammuwawbabwabwa! But Gilgamosh threw them out of Humamamababmabwawa's window, and as he did so, he said, "How do you like that defenestration?" Shamwow gave thumbs up, and they were flying back to Urkel.

Chapter 3: Enkidude's Cousin and the Shark

Well, they took the big tree they took from Haumaununabababaihirabbi, and made it into a big door with pretty pictures of them fighting Humabmbmabma and carving a door with a picture of them fighting Humamamnabmanbama and carving another picture of them fighting Humabmabmbama, but then it got too small and they couldn't draw it again.

But then they got bored again, but Enkidude got mail on the fishernet, with message that his cousin, Scrappy Enkidoo was coming to visit. Gilgamosh shrugged, "I don't car. I hope he looks real pretty like you Enkidude!" Enkidude was flatter, but also part sheep, so he said, "I lick baaad boys. But Scarppy Enkidoo is sucks." Gilgamosh felt sort of bad, but it wasn't so bad, only sort of.

So then Scrappy Enkidoo was show up to appeal to younger readers; he was just lik Enkidude, but smaller and more annoying. Soon after, Gilgamosh yelled, "Scrappy Enkidoo, you son of a fish! You can jump over shark!" So he grabbed Scrappy Enkidoo and strapped on water skis, and dragged him to conveniently placed shark tank. "Meat your new chum!" He grabbed the tow-thingy and pulled it so hard that Scrappy Enkidooo was launch over the tank, but not quite far enough.

Enkidude was sort of upset, but still found Scrapp Enkidoo getting eaten by a shark funny. "That's gonna be good for ratings." He spoked. Gilgamosh looked at him, put hand on shoulder and said, "Let us never speak of this again." So they didn't.

Chapter 4: The Awesome bull of Leaven.

FIshtar was god lady who had always kill man who she fall in love with. She rulered the heavens, but also wanted to rule the undergrounds of her sister. But that is story for another time. But anyway, she was trying to deduce Gilgamosh with the power of immorality. He didn't know he want immorality at the time, but knew that Fishtar killed all her other five ever boys. So he said, "Fishtar, if you like it than you should have put a ring on it. But I need ring made of onion, and I don't think we have those right now. Also you are ugly and smell funny."

Fishtar was cry. "Noo! I will open the gates of the underground, and make zombies eat your brain hamburgers. Or get the Bull of Leaven to make snorting noise of death!" So she was go cry to Shamwow, who had to agree or watch everyone's brain hamburger get eaten by zombies. So the Bull of Leaven was sent down to make sure that bread wouldn't rise. It also killed a bunch of people, but that wasn't important. Gilgamosh and Enkidude were eating flatbread, and said "I feel weird!" And then they both turned into hipsters. Since they was now hipsters, they ate lots of granola, and learned how to use tetrahedron power, and made new clothes with peace signs on them. There hair was also much longer now.

Gilgamosh pointed at the bull of heaven, and shouted "We represent PITA! You are bad animal, and need get killed for better of nice animals! Also, killing our dudes was totally uncool!" They were have wrestling match, and Enkidude held the bull while Gilgamosh punched it. Since they were win, Fishtar was mad, so she came down to yell at them. Enkidude hit her with a severed bull leg, and she was even more mad. "Oh no you didn't!" She then spoke the magic word while snapping in Z formation, and Enkidude was cursed with gnarly bad vibes. He coughed, and said to Gilgamosh, "Peace out. I cannot be hipster with bad vibes, now I am dead sheep man." He was die, and Gilgamosh shed single manly tear, and said, "But I'm pregnant."

Chapter 5: Gilgamosh Has baby

18 months later(was use lunar calendar), Gilgamosh was busy fixing plumbing when realized, "My water brokered!" So he was go to the hospiturrat to have him baby. The doctor looked at the baby machine, and removed his glasses, "I don't know how read this, because it hasn't been invent yet. So, you need to push." Gilgamosh frowned, but started to push anyway, and then the hospiturrat was fall over, cause he pushed over pillar.

"Aaaaaaagh! It's got sheep horns!" Gilgamosh groaned as a sheep was ejected from his pregnant member. The doctor caught it, and said, "Congratulation to ewe! This is a baaaeautiful sheep." Gilgamosh shed a single tear, "He has his father's fleece. And my eyes. He shall be named, Emperor Norton Anti-virus!" Passing out from the beauty of life, he went to sleep crying about Enkidude, and how he was going to die one day.

Chapter 6: Gilgamosh and the First Crusade

Gilgamosh woke up, suckling his sheep baby. It was time to go on one last adventure, and he needed help from the old guy who was save the animals. "Uptnapishtim. I must go to see him, with my eyes. Even if my baby must stay hear." Placing his baby sheep in the hands of the commander-shepard (the highest rank shepard), Gilgamosh steeled himself to find out how to not die.

"I shall travel to the death place, which is deadly because it is full of death. There I will go to learn secrets, and how to not die." He took his sword and magic bow, and was fly into the mountain of darkness. But before he cold make it, giant scorpion man was look at him "First, you must pass the test of darkness."

The test of darkness was lame, all Gilgamosh had to do was stick his hand in a box of spaghetti, but he was pretty sure it was just brains. "Okay, you have passed the test of darkness. It's dark in there, though, and you cannot take a torch. Because that would ruin the plot." So Gilgamosh gave up his only torch, and lantern, and walked in the darkness for like, a week.

On the outside of the dark mountain, he looked at a field of flours and dead animals. Shamwow was eating a kitten, and waved as he took a bite out of it. "Hey Gilgamosh, why are you lookin' so down? Want a bite?" He shook the dead weasel around, intestines flopping around like a half-eaten corn dog on a midsummers eve. Gilgamosh wasn't hungry, so he declined, even though that weasel smelled delicious. "I'm sad because I'm gonna die." Shamwow just waved if off and spoke with a mouthful of weasel, "Stop being so down all the time. Yeah, you're gonna die, but you're still cool, right?" Gilgamosh just made a sad noise, and walked away.

After Walken for a while, he met a a guy with a boat. But guy didn't want to take him across the lake of deathy death to see Utanputty. So Gilgamosh smashed his boat, and maked a new one, using his arms as the sails. Eventually he made it to Utnapishtimmy, and talked to him. "Hey guy with really hard to pronounce name! I want to live fiveever!" He ejaculated.

Utna-guy just shook his head, "You cannot. I did special stuff, so I can, but you cannot. Unless you take all the animals, and make mountain guy angury. Or stay awake for like, a week."

Gilgamosh took hand on bicep, and sad "I can does it!" But then he fell asleep anyways. Utnapnitpashtuppy put loafs of bread out to show how he was fall asleep, and at the last moment was close his eyes. Old bread was moldy, and new bread wasn't so it was the truth. Gilgamosh made a sad, and walked away.

"Now I'm gonna die, and leave Emperor Norton Anti-Virus as an orfan!" But then he saw a plant at the bottom of a lake, and put the hands on his hips. "How convenyent to the plot." He jumped in, and swam down, and was forced to confront the ManMaid, which was a man with the body of a beautiful woman with fish legs. His name was Cornel Haddock, because he was part haddock. "Gilgamosh, you better check yoself before you mess yoself!"

So Gilgamosh killed him in the face with his bear hands, and ate his brain (bears like to eat fish brains) and took the plant. He celeberated with it, before removing his pants for a party in the woods. Butt soon a snake came in his camp, and ate the pants. Gilgamosh was sad, because he saw snake get younger again, but also lose its skin. "That was gross, but now I'm gonna die. And my pants are gone." So he walked home, feeling sad, and without pants to eat to get immorality.

But he still lived good life, and was continue to beat up peeps till the day he died of old. He lived a very long time and died of it. And then his story was write on tablets of old! Hurrays!

The end? (It isn't.)

(Continued in Gilgamosh and Enkidude 2: Emperor Norton Boogaloo)