The Last Night
It really seemed like a good idea at the time, so I ran out into the frozen night, fighting against the harsh winter wind. My fragile body turned cold and I couldn't feel my face. And though I thought I ran miles away I was still able to see that house. They made me so frustrated today that I actually felt the blood boiling in my veins. Why can't people see the pain I've been through and still going through right now? How can they not realize that I cry myself to sleep every fucking night? Aren't my eyes supposed to be the doors to my very soul? I've seen death, I've came face to face with death and I've conquered death. But now I would like to meet him again and this time I will not fight him I will get down on my knees and beg him to take my life. Razors are my best friends, they have sharp tongues. I pulled one from my pocket I felt the blade travel from my hand into my forearm landing there. I focused my attention to the silver blade. It was my favorite knife. The silvery reflection in my hand kept taunting me. As if to say "do it James…you know you want too…" And fucking hell I sure did want to. But what I didn't want is to go again through hell and back into the world of the living I wanted to go for good now. Nobody knows what kind of agonizing mind numbing pain I've been through. People simply don't give a flying fuck about you, even if you're sick. Human beings are just too cruel, and I'm just ashamed to be one of them. Sometimes I feel like nobody gets me ,trapped in this world where everyone hates me.
Blood started dripping from my arm, I was frozen now, it has been a pretty long time since the last time I've cut but god it felt so good, both painfully and pleasurably good. The crimson red color was just mesmerizing. I watched the blood slowly seep out admiring the warmth, and the beautiful clover color. I laid it on my skin again. It cut. Again. It cut. And again. This pattern went on and on. My breath came out in harsh puffs. But I felt alive. Better than anything. Like I could emerge out of this victorious, just like I felt when I found out that I no longer had cancer. Bloody hell, I'm thinking about it again, I'm such a weakling that couldn't find any kind of distraction. The scar, it's still there mocking me evrerytime everyday; it will forever be carved and printed there.
What hurts the most is that he doesn't love me, I love him, I told him but he just played with my emotions leaving my heart shattered, he betrayed me and now I can't trust anybody, not that I care. People just don't deserve anything. They can just have fun in the remains of their rotten filthy world.
The pleasure of cutting soon ended as I watched the blood dry and I was still sitting in the cold starless night. I brought my knees to my chest in a pathetic attempt of feeling a bit warm. My insides as well as my outside were cold. There was only this throbbing.
I finally let out the pain I felt for the 18 years in my tears, I screamed my lungs out until I lost my voice and all was left were moans, the throbbing got more and more numb. I didn't feel better …heck I just felt like my emotions were more finalized.
I looked up and saw this light, it was a blinding light but a comforting one, it was calling my name or more like screaming "JAMES"…It was a familiar voice but the numbness and coldness were too overwhelming. And With one last thought in mind I let the encompassing cold of this night and the darkness consume me. .This must be what love feels like.
The End