A/N below

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It was all too quick. Before I could say sorry a thousand times. Before I could kiss her again or touch her… for the last time.

Too quick.

Yet not quick enough

I still saw how she jerked with the impact, how the bullet tore through the shirt and embedded itself in her heart, how the blood spread through that small hole… staining the shirt… my shirt… the hurt couldn't be any less, the moment any shorter to kill a woman I'd made love to. The only girl I'd let myself feel deeply for in a long time.

I didn't see her fall. I watched my hand. The hated pistol in it… felt it tingle with the kickback.

Then I saw her on the floor. One hand limp on the floor, the other on her stomach, head tilted slightly to the side, legs curled in the manner of sleeping. Graceful in death as in life.

That's when I fell. On my knees… the classical position to beg. Then I begged her to be alive, I begged for the garish wound on her chest to disappear.

I gave up after she didn't listen. Just like that stubborn set of her chin.

I slowly moved nearer to her… crawled on all fours to get to her. Then I reached out and gently gathered her in my arms, pulled her torso on my lap and inclined her head on to my chest. She was so pliant, so soft. I buried my face in her mass of dark hair and inhaled her sweet smell. Then I cried because she smelled a little like me, my shirt's cologne clinging to her… claiming her to be mine. Telling that she'd given herself to me… merged with me… become a part of me… and then died… a part of me dying along with her.

The tears fell incessantly, stinging my eyes. I couldn't make them stop. I rocked her slightly, crushed her body into mine… and I couldn't stop that either. It was too cruel, too much… too much. I didn't want to stop grieving… not then, not ever. She deserved more.

A hesitant pressure on my shoulder startled me. I uncurled and looked up to see Dean leaning over me.

He opened his mouth to say something, but didn't. As if he couldn't find the words. I kept looking at him expectantly. Beseeching him with my tearful eyes to say something… anything that would make the pain go away, anything that could stop my heart from bleeding.

After a while, he sighed and nodded at Madison's body, "We need to go, Sammy."

I wanted to take Madison and curl up in the corner of the room, and not let anyone take her away from me. But I had watched my girlfriend burn to death and held the lifeless body of my father in my arms. And I'd watched him burn too.

Irrational, emotional thoughts were tightly controlled and walled up behind a wall of false strength and sense of responsibility. I couldn't break down, I knew that. And I hated that I understood it so well… I just wished that for once I could be weak, that I didn't have to be strong, that I'd allow myself to break.

I looked down and nodded to Dean, "I know… ju- just one… just gimme a minute…" I whispered, collecting her errant arms back into my embrace, tugging her up my lap. I could only imagine what my brother was thinking about what that action said about my sanity, but I couldn't care less.

I sensed Dean come nearer, his jeans clad legs brushing my back. And then the reassuring weight disappeared.

"Okay…" My brother whispered in acquiescence, obviously thinking of giving me some time alone with Madison.

I quickly whipped out my right hand and snagged a little of his jeans and tugged at it, effectively stopping him from leaving.

"No… stay… please."

My brother wordlessly kneeled next to me.

I listlessly resumed rocking, her body swaying with mine. With heavy understanding I felt her body less warm than mine, her skin a little more pale. I caressed her cheek and shuddered when she didn't smile back

Dean's left hand rested heavily on my shoulders. I willingly bowed under the weight and wept like a child who'd lost his mother. Because I'd lost her too.

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I don't even know what to say. This was written ages ago. After hell, purgatory, new god, Cain, etc. a heart tag honestly seems quite odd. But here we are. I still haven't got over this episode. God, even with this episode being so much about Sam, Dean stole the spotlight with his one tear. I'm still devastated.

Please review!