Meeting him was the best thing that could've ever happened to me, even if I didn't realize at the moment. But that's the thing with lights: they blind you when you look at them for the first time and they don't allow you to think properly for a while. But when you finally get used to them, everything is so much brighter. That was how it was with him. I had been in the darkness for so long I had almost forgotten what it felt like to see something so warm inviting me in. I didn't want to go near it at first, I got mad when I saw him and his personality.
But I also wanted more. A part of me knew that his light was exactly what I needed, even if I wasn't ready to admit it.
Seeing him for the second time caught me by surprise. Not even in a million years would I had imagined that we would be going to attend the same high school. I would have laughed if somebody told me I'd have a second chance. A second chance I didn't want. Because I was still in the darkness and he was still far too bright for my eyes. His smile, his look in his eyes, his motivation, his energy, his everything was too much for him.
So I tried pushing him away. But that's the thing with light: it imposes itself in the darkness even when the other doesn't want it and tries its best to push it away. But that's the thing, too, you see? The darkness has no say in the matter. I had no say in the matter and soon enough I was warming up to the little shrimp that jumped higher than anybody I had ever seen in my life. I wanted him to succeed; I wanted him to have anything and everything he could ever want. And, more importantly, I wanted to be the one to give it to him. That wasn't too hard for me to achieve, considering almost everything that went through that thick skull of his was related to volleyball. So I made it my goal to keep that look on his face when he got to spike a toss, my toss, for as long as I could manage.
It didn't take long for the other members of the team to realize I was being a little bit too enthusiastic when practicing with Hinata and that energy wasn't there when I was tossing the others. I managed to pass it out as Hinata's energy being too contagious not to feel the same way when I was with him for a while, but soon enough people started catching me staring for a little longer than what was considered appropriate when we were in class, or having lunch, or, even though I would never admit it out loud, changing before and after practice. I begged everybody not to say anything and they swore they didn't tell a soul about my little secret, but rumors always spread like wildfire, especially when they are love related, so it didn't take long for him to hear about it.
When he came to tell me about the latest rumor a friend of his had told him in class a part of me died right there and then. He was just so happy, laughing about it. He said he was told that the meanest-looking member of the volleyball team that clearly couldn't be anybody other than him had a crush on some other member and everybody was sure it was him. He was laughing. Just laughing. And I couldn't take it for one second.
I left the school almost immediately, giving Hinata some stupid excuse I don't even remember anymore. I turned off my cell-phone and walked around town for a couple of hours before going back home. When I got inside my bedroom, I turned my phone back on and received all the messages I had been sent at once. Some of them where from the captain, asking what in the world was I thinking leaving before practice when we were weeks away from the tournament and some others were from Asahi, Nishinoya and Sugawara telling me they had heard from Hinata what had happened and that they were sorry. However, what surprised him the most was that most of his messages where from the shrimp. Asking where I had gone, if I was gonna make it to practice, if he had done something wrong, if this meant that I wouldn't toss to him anymore, and the list went on and on. I didn't know how I felt about that at the moment. I didn't know what it meant, so I started texting him back when I heard the doorbell ring. I dropped the phone on my bed and went to get the door.
To say that I was surprised to see who was waiting on the other side would be the understatement of the century. I didn't understand anything and I considered myself to be smarter than the redheaded boy standing in front of me. As soon as he saw me opening the door he started going on about how he was sorry even though he had no idea what had happened but how since I had left right after we had talked he was sure that had something to do with it and that he hoped I would go back to practice soon and more and more and more. While he kept talking my mind was still a huge blank. I thought I had gotten used to his energy and his way of being by that point, but I was once again proved wrong.
"I said I would stand on the same stage as you forever, remember? I can't do that if you quit right now."
That brought me back to Earth. He didn't see me the same way I saw him. He never had and he never would. I was his setter, his mean to shine so bright he could light up everybody. I would never be anything more to him. But he was already so much more to me. I must've stayed quiet for longer than I thought, because what seemed like mere seconds later, he was already mumbling. But it was different this time. He wasn't being loud like he always was. He was quiet, almost as if nobody else was supposed to hear what he was saying. But there was no other sound to be heard, so I could understand each and every word that came out of his mouth.
"It's about the rumor, isn't it? To be honest, I didn't mind it one bit. In fact, I wanted it to be true. But I knew it wasn't, so I wanted you to hear it from me before you killed somebody else. Cause I don't like it when people call you mean cause I know that you're not like that. And I guess a part of me wanted you to tell me that it wasn't a rumor, but the look in your face told me that was all it was. I'm sorry, I know it upset you and I…" and he kept going after that, but my mind had gone blank once again. I must've been dreaming. That couldn't have actually happened. Because there was absolutely no way that he was the one confessing. I came back to myself and found Hinata still mumbling while looking down. He was still bright, that would never change, but in that moment he looked dimmer than usual. And knowing that it was my fault that he wasn't shining as much as he should made me snap. This wasn't a dream and this wasn't the time to be embarrassed or shy. This was my moment. Go big or go home. And considering I was still standing in the doorway of my house, I decided to take a risk.
I put my hand under his chin and lifted it just a little bit before leaning forward and closing the distance between us. I had no idea what I was expecting, I didn't think about it and all of a sudden I was kissing him. Hinata seemed a little bit tense at the beginning but he was relaxing and kissing me back in no time. This was amazing. No, this was more than amazing, this was incredible. Here I was, thinking that he didn't only not return my feelings but found it funny only minutes ago and now I was kissing him and he was kissing me back.
From that moment on, things happened faster than I would have wanted them to. We went on dates every now and then; sometimes I would walk him home, even though his house was more than a few blocks away from mine; we played our volleyball style for three years, wining us two national titles; damn, we even came out to our parents together. But everything seemed to last way less than I would have wanted it to. Every date was an hour too short, every road ended a block too early and every match was won before I realized we had started. Everything was different, brighter, when he was around.
And just like that, we went to study to a university in Tokyo together. We shared a room our parents had gotten for us. We lived our lives the way normal students did: we got up in the morning, went to class, had lunch, studied some more, went to volleyball practice, came back home and watched some TV before going to bed. It was so normal, so average, yet every day was so special, so unique.
But here's the thing nobody tells you about the light: once you get used to it, once your eyes adapt themselves and you see all the bright colors and how beautiful everything is in it, it gets twice as dark as it was before when it's gone. Everything is darker than it was before you were even introduced to it. And that's just how it was. One moment everything was bright and beautiful under the light and the next one a drunk driver turns it off before walking away.
The call I received that day was the worst one in my entire life. Everything slowed down in two seconds and the sound went off. He had been doing nothing wrong. He was coming back home from some night course he had to attend when an idiot who didn't know better than to drink and drive crossed the street when the light was red, not giving him enough time to get off the road.
The funeral was the worst part of it all. Both his parents and mine came to Tokyo as soon as they heard the news. We were all devastated. It seemed like he had taken the energy out of all of us. Everybody from our high school volleyball team was there. Everybody from our university volleyball team was there. Almost everybody from every single class we took was there. And why wouldn't they be? He didn't discriminate who he shone for, after all. He simply was himself and his light shone naturally above all of us.
But now he wasn't shining and we didn't know what to do without him. We were left alone in the darkness and, suddenly, it was the scariest place of it all. I looked outside for a minute before realizing it was clearly about to rain. I guess even the weather wasn't as bright without him around. It's like even that considered him a second Sun.
I went to visit his grave often at first. I just couldn't believe that the hyperactive boy I knew and loved was lying still and there was absolutely nothing I could do. After de burial I decided not to visit him on rainy days since it didn't go along with who he was and it wasn't a promise too hard to fulfill. I had never seen such a sunny winter in years.
"You know he was a true believer in reincarnation, that boy." I heard his mother say beside me one day. I didn't have to look at her to know who it was. I still found it hard to look at her ever since that day; they were just so similar. I nodded slowly before she continued. "Ever since he was a little kid, he was always talking about who he was in his past life and who he was going to be in the next one." I could hear the sad smile in her voice and I couldn't say I blamed her; I would probably sound just like her if I were to say anything. "I remember this one time when he was eight," she laughed remembering before going on "he spent so many weeks going on and on about how he was gonna reincarnate as the Sun and he would shine on above us and we would look up and smile." I turned and saw that smile I knew I had on my face whenever I remembered him. "Maybe he was right, you know? Maybe he did become a part of the Sun and he's there, shining on for all of us. Maybe he'll be there forever, shining on for everybody who's in the darkness." And I knew without a doubt that she was right, he was shining for people who were in the darkness. And how could I ever think otherwise, when he had done precisely that to me?
Sorry, I'm not sorry. Came up with this story with a friend of mine basing myself on Gone Too Soon by Simple Plan (if anybody feels like checking it out, it's an awesome song)
As always, comments are much appreciated either here on on my tumblr, .com