Alienation Of Affection
Chapter One
"I'm beat. Time to hit the sack."
Roy DeSoto stood up and stretched. He offered a hand to his wife. She took his hand, stood and smiled at him. He smiled back.
"Gonna be a long two weeks."
"Oh, I don't know, hon. With the kids out of school for the summer, Johnny's company might come in handy. And we might even get some free babysitting out of it." Roy laughed and tapped her on the nose.
"Always thinking." Joanne smiled.
"Taking care of the kids while we go to the movies is a small price to pay. We're housing him and feeding him, not charging him a dime. No one else would have him." Roy nodded.
"I thought he was gonna panic when he found out his apartment building was being retrofitted and fumigated. You're right. He'll want to pay us back."
"Oh, I know he will. I just hope the kids survive it." Joanne laughed. Roy released her hand and headed toward the stairs.
"You coming?"
"In a minute." Joanne walked over to the closed den door, opened it, and crept inside. Roy laughed and headed upstairs. He changed into his pajamas, brushed his teeth, and got into bed. He heard Joanne climb the stairs and enter the bedroom. She pulled a nightgown out of her dresser and began undressing.
"You tuck him in okay?" Roy laughed. Joanne turned to him, opened her mouth to speak, then stopped, a look of embarrassment crossing her face.
"Oh, my God. I DID just tuck him in!" Roy laughed again. "Figured as much."
Joanne shook her head and sat down next to Roy.
"I don't believe it. I just tucked a grown man in." She glanced at Roy. "Don't you dare tell him what I did."
"I won't." Joanne laughed.
"Now, why would I do something like that?"
"Because," Roy embraced Joanne, "You are the ultimate mother. And Johnny is a perennial child."
"I am so embarrassed."
"Don't worry. Tuck Johnny in all you want. As long as you come to bed with me."
Chapter Two
"Uncle Johnny?"
"Wha? Chris?" Johnny reached over and turned on the lamp. Six year old Chris DeSoto was standing in front of him, his eyes wide with fear.
"Chris? Whatsa matter?"
"I had a bad dream. A real bad dream." Chris's eyes spilled over with tears. Johnny sat up, shook the sleep out of his eyes, and embraced Chris.
"Hey, it's okay. It's okay. Come on, Sprout. Take a deep breath." Johnny felt Chris's small body tremble as he tried to calm himself down. He looked at Chris's face.
"You want your mom? Or your dad?" Chris shook his head.
"They'll just send me back to my room. I don't wanna go back. I'm scared." He burst into tears. Johnny embraced him again. Chris's fear was palatable.
"Hey, hey, calm down. How about you sleep here?" Chris nodded wordlessly. Johnny slid over. Come on, let's get some sleep." Chris crawled into Johnny's bed. Johnny turned out the light.
"Thanks, Uncle Johnny. I feel better."
"Good. Go to sleep."
Chapter Three
Joanne came downstairs the next morning, pulling on a robe and yawning. First things first. Brew some coffee.
The door to the den opened.
"Hi, Mommy!"
"Chis! What were you doing in the den? Were you bothering Uncle Johnny?"
"No, it's okay. He said I could." Chris headed toward the kitchen. Joanne peeked into the den. Johnny was still asleep. She closed the den door and went to the kitchen.
"Mommy, can we have pancakes?"
"Sure, honey." Joanne started making coffee. She paused for a moment. "Chris, did you sleep in the den last night?"
"Uh huh."
"Why?" Chris hung his head.
"I had a bad dream."
"I see. Why didn't you come to me?" Chris shrugged a shoulder.
"Can I watch TV?"
"Okay. But keep it down." Chris skipped out of the kitchen, running into Roy as he came through the doorway.
"Whoa, Chris, slow down!" Roy planted a kiss on Chris's head and sent him on his way. He walked over to Joanne.
"Morning."
"Morning, hon. Roy..."
"Hmm?"
"Chris had a bad dream last night, and he ended up in the den."
"What?"
"He went to Johnny. And Johnny let him - "
"Morning, morning! Joanne, you makin' pancakes?"
"Uh, yes." Joanne gave Roy a significant glance. Roy nodded and took Johnny's arm. "John, could I have a word with you?
"Uh, sure. What's up?"
"Let's go to the den."
Roy led Johnny to the den. He closed the door.
"Look...Chris told Joanne he slept here last night."
"Yeah. He had a nightmare. You shoulda seen him."
"I know. But he's not supposed to crawl into your bed like that."
"Why not? The kid was scared. Geez Roy, what was I supposed to do? Send him back upstairs? He said he was scared."
"Johnny, Chris has been having bad dreams for months. He's got to learn to comfort himself."
"But - "
"He was ending up in our bed every night. It had to stop. The rule is, he gets a hug and kiss, and goes back to his bed."
"Well, who came up with a cockeyed rule like that?" Roy stared at Johnny.
"I did."
"Why?"
"Because - look, that's the rule. Period." Roy turned to leave. Johnny caught his arm. "Roy - "
"What?"
"When I was Chris's age, I had nightmares. My parents did the same thing. Sent me back to my bed. And I promised myself if I ever had a kid of my own that I'd - " Roy laughed.
"Well, when you DO have a kid of your own, you can do what you think is best. But Chris isn't your kid."
"But - "
"Just do as we ask, all right?" Johnny looked at the floor for a moment, then nodded. "Okay, sure. Whatever you say."
"Thanks."
"Even though you're wrong." Roy glared at Johnny and closed the door.
Chapter Four
Johnny sat in the den for a few minutes, then returned to the kitchen. Joanne was setting the table. He gently took the flatware from her.
"Here. Let me."
"Thanks." She smiled at him. "It's okay, you know. No harm done."
"Yeah, I - I just didn't know you had a rule like that."
"It's all right. We'll talk to Chris." Joanne called into the living room. "Kids! breakfast!" Chris and his younger sister Jenny came barreling into the kitchen. Roy caught both of them by their arms.
"Go back out and WALK in here." Sheepishly, the kids left the kitchen and walked decorously back in.
In the middle of the meal, Jenny left her seat and climbed into Johnny's lap.
"I'm glad you're here."
"Me, too." Johnny grinned at Jenny. "Whadaya say we do something really incredible today?" He whispered something in her ear. Her four year old eyes grew round with excitement. She turned to Joanne and Roy.
"UNCLE JOHNNY IS TAKIN' US TO DISNEYLAND!" Chris jumped up, knocking his milk over.
"Me too? Me too?" Johnny grinned. "Of course you too."
Roy choked on his coffee. Joanne shook her head as she pounded Roy on the back. "John, no!"
"Why not? Come on, Joanne, you'll have the whole day to yourselves. How often do you get that?" Roy coughed and sputtered out, "Johnny, you have to discuss this kind of thing with us. You can't just take off to Anaheim with the kids on the spur of the moment!" Johnny looked annoyed.
"Well, why not? It's only Disneyland! It's not like i'm flying 'em across country."
Jenny looked anxiously back and forth between the adults. She hugged Johnny. "Make 'em say yes." Johnny nodded at Jenny, then grinned at Roy and Joanne.
"You heard the lady."
Roy threw up his hands in defeat. Joanne shot Roy an angry look. "The kids both have dental appointments today. I can't just - "
Jenny burst into tears. Joanne grabbed a sponge and began mopping up the milk as Johnny hugged Jenny and pleaded with Joanne. "Aw, come on. You can take 'em to the dentist another day. Come on. Lemme do this." finally, Joanne nodded her head.
"All right. But don't let them eat junk, don't buy them any expensive gifts, bring sweaters, pace yourselves, use suntan lotion, and be sure to - "
But the kids had run out of the kitchen, Johnny close behind. Joanne dropped into her chair and rested her head on her arms.
"You gotta talk to him, Roy. You gotta talk to him."
Chapter Five
"Okay, now. Remember, they don't have to know."
"You got it, Uncle Johnny. But Jenny's a real blabbermouth."
"Don't worry about Jenny. Just worry about yourself." Johnny picked a sleeping Jenny up from the back seat of Joanne's car, cradled her in his arms, and headed for the front door. Chris opened it and peeked inside.
"Mommy? Daddy?"
Joanne came running down the stairs. "I saw you drive up. What's wrong?" Johnny shook his head and stammered.
"Nothing. Nothing's wrong. Why would anything be wrong? Everything is fine. She just fell asleep. Everything is fine." He transferred Jenny to Joanne's arms. Joanne looked at the princess dress Jenny was wearing.
"Oh, Johnny. I told you not to spoil them! This is exactly what I told you NOT to do!" Johnny shrugged sheepishly.
"I know, but I kinda had to. I left her change of clothes in the car and we were right outside that princess store near Cinderella's Castle - "
Chris nodded sagely. "Jenny barfed."
"She WHAT?" Johnny shook his head at Chris. "She's okay. Too many rides on Dumbo. She's fine. Really." Joanne glared at Johnny. "I TOLD you she gets motion sickness." Joanne started up the stairs. Johnny called after her. "She's okay. I took care of it. I AM a paramedic, ya know."
"Took care of what? Chris, go upstairs and get ready for bed, it's late." Roy appeared behind Johnny, startling him.
"What? Nothing. Just threw up a little. She's fine." Roy eyed Johnny.
"Jenny doesn't throw up 'a little.' She hurls." Johnny shrugged.
"Yeah, well. She's okay." Chris tugged at his hand. Johnny knelt down to him. "I think you oughtta get ready for bed, Sprout."
"Okay. Today was the best day of my life, Uncle Johnny. The best." He hugged Johnny, headed up the stairs, turned and smiled, his index finger over his lips. "I'm not a blabbermouth."
Johnny grinned, then turned to Roy, arms folded across his chest, foot tapping impatiently, lips pursed. Johnny took one look at him and headed for the den.
"Well, night." Roy caught his arm.
"Just a minute. What was that about?"
"Huh? Nothing, it was nothing." He tried to move away. Roy jerked him back.
"If it's nothing, you can tell me." Johnny glanced up the stairs, then nodded nervously at Roy. "Now, the important thing is, everything turned out all right."
"WHAT turned out all right?"
"Now, Roy...this stuff happens...happens every day..." Roy backed Johnny into the sofa. Johnny toppled over and looked up at Roy.
"WHAT happens every day?"
"I...sorta...lost Jenny."
"YOU WHAT?"
"Welll...we were in the princess store, and I turned my back, and she - "
"She WHAT?"
"She, uh...kinda disappeared. But I found her right away. No harm done." He grinned hopefully. "Okay?"
"Didn't we tell you hold her hand or keep her in a stroller? For God's sake, John."
"Yeah, ya told me. And I will, from now on. Promise. Okay?"
"Okay. Look, don't tell Joanne." Johnny grinned.
"I'm not a blabbermouth."
Chapter Six
"What is this?" Chris leaned over his dinner and took a whiff. He held his nose. Jenny giggled.
"It's cheeseburgers."
"Where's the cheese?" Chris looked dubiously at Johnny as he pulled a small pot off the stove.
"It's right here." Johnny scooped a dollop of melted cheese onto Chris's plate. He turned to Jenny. "You want cheese, right?" She shook her head. "I only like cheese on macaroni."
"Well, I coulda made that, if you'd told me." Okay, eat it without the cheese, then." He looked back at Chris, who was still sniffing his dinner. "What's the matter now?"
"Uncle Johnny, this isn't the way Mommy makes cheese burgers."
"Well - well, it's the way I make 'em. I make 'em like this at work all the time. Your daddy eats 'em."
"Yeah, but he doesn't like 'em."
"Oh, yeah? Says who?"
"Daddy."
"Oh." Johnny dropped into his chair, scooped a dollop of cheese onto his burger, and eyed Chris. "Your daddy say anything else about my cooking?" Chris shrugged.
"Nah. Usually he just says, 'Johnny cooked. I'm starving.'"
"Yeah, well...your daddy is a picky eater." Johnny felt a small hand on his arm. He looked over to see Jenny's face staring up at him.
"I don't like it."
"But - "
"Me neither."
"Fine. Don't eat it. What DO you want?" Chris and Jenny looked at each other, then turned to Johnny and said in unison:
"Ice cream!" Johnny took a bite of his burger and shook his head.
"Nuh uh. Ya gotta eat something healthy. I promised yer mother."
"Ice cream is healthy. It's got milk in it."
"Aw, come on, Chris." A hand tugged at his sleeve. He looked down. Jenny was holding JiffyPop.
"Corn is a vegetable."
"Yeah!" Chris reached into the freezer. "And we got juice pops. That's fruit juice." Johnny eyed the kids. Would your mother let you have this for dinner? Ice cream, popcorn, and juice pops?" They nodded gravely.
"Really?" Jenny tugged at his sleeve again. He looked down at her big blue eyes.
"I'm hungry."
Chapter Seven
"It was a lovely evening, honey. Thank you so much." Joanne took Roy's arm as they headed up the walk to their porch. "I hate to see it end." Roy smiled.
"Maybe Johnny got the kids to sleep. We could just go right on upstairs and continue what we started in the car..." He turned the key in the lock, opened the door, and ushered Joanne inside. She stopped in her tracks.
"I don't believe it."
Johnny lay stretched out on the floor, asleep. Jenny sprawled on top of him, her hair sticky with the juice pop that had melted in her hand. Chris was curled up in the crook of his arm, his hand still in the bowl of popcorn.
Joanne shook her head and and bent down to pick up Jenny. Roy grabbed her arm.
"Just let them sleep."
"But they'll catch their death...look what he let them eat...he said he was going to make dinner for them...I don't believe this."
Roy grabbed an afghan from the sofa and placed it over the sleeping trio. He took Joanne's arm and steered her upstairs.
"He did make them dinner - bachelor style. And he got them to sleep."
"But - "
"And I tucked them in." Joanne eyed Roy.
"You have GOT to talk to him."
Chapter Eight
"But why can't I come?"
Jenny sat on the sofa bed, watching Johnny brush his hair, tie his tie, and slip onto a sports jacket. Her lower lip stuck out in a pout. Johnny looked at her and sighed.
"I'm just going to...play with a friend for a while. I'll be back."
"Is it a lady friend?" Johnny grinned.
"As a matter of fact, it is." He gave her a peck on the cheek and headed toward the front door. Jenny followed. "See ya later, Jen."
Roy came downstairs, saw Jenny hanging on the door with that droopy lip, and swept her up in his arms. "Hey, Pumpkin. Why the sad face?"
"Uncle Johnny went to play with a friend." Roy choked back a snort. "Is that what he said?"
"Yeah. I wanted him to play with ME."
"He will. But tonight he had a date."
"What's a date?"
"Well, a date is..." Roy paused. "A date is when a man and a woman go out and talk to see how well they get along."
"Why?"
"Er...so, hopefully, they can find someone to marry." Jenny stared at him.
"Uncle Johnny is gonna get married?"
"Well, not right now, but - " Jenny burst into tears.
"Jenny? What's wrong?"
"He - he said he would marry ME!" Jenny threw her arms around Roy's neck and sobbed. Roy carried her to the sofa and sat down. When she stopped crying he looked into her face.
"Now, what's all this about marrying Uncle Johnny? I thought you were going to marry me." Jenny shook her head. "No. I wanna marry Uncle Johnny." She climbed down off Roy's lap and ran upstairs. Roy just sat on the sofa, dumbstruck.
"Roy?" Joanne came out of the kitchen. "Was that Jenny crying?" Roy nodded. "She uh...she wants to marry Johnny."
"Oh."
"When did that happen?"
"I don't know."
"Joanne...she was going to marry ME. Why'd she change her mind?"
"Now, Roy. Who wouldn't want to marry a man who takes you to Disneyland and gives you ice cream for dinner?"
"But - "
"I know I would. If I was four." She started up the stairs. Looks like you have some competition, Daddy.
"I gotta talk to him."
Chapter Nine
"Nice threads, Gage. You dress up for me?"
"Shut up, Chet." Johnny looked around, then leaned into Chet's ear and whispered, "Man, did I get lucky last night." Chet's face lit up.
"Go on."
"Nuh uh. I don't kiss and tell." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Roy walked in, glared at Johnny, and opened his locker. "I'm not talking to you."
"Me? what did I do?"
"You didn't come home last night."
Chet guffawed and disappeared.
"Come home? Since when do I have a curfew?"
"Since you told my daughter you were going to 'play' with a lady friend, that's when."
"WHAT?"
"Yeah. You didn't go to 'play' with a lady friend." Johnny grinned.
"Well, it depends on your definition of 'play.'" Roy's glare brought him up short. "So - why didn't you just tell her I stayed for a sleepover?" The grin returned. "That is what happened. Man - "
"You want a four year old telling the entire neighborhood about your sex life?"
"She wouldn't do that."
"Oh, yes she would."
"So what did ya do?"
"I told her you got called into work."
"Oh. Well. Good save there, Pally." Johnny turned back to his locker.
"It was not a 'good save.' It was a lie. I don't like lying to my daughter."
"But - "
"Especially for you."
"Me? Why me?" Roy slammed his locker and approached Johnny, wagging a finger in his face.
"And I don't like you telling Jenny you'll marry her!"
"But - we were just joking! I didn't mean anything!"
"Oh, yeah? You broke her heart."
"I WHAT?"
"You heard me. I'm not talking to you." Roy stalked out of the locker room. Chet reappeared.
"Two-timing your fiancé, Gage? Bad form, man. Really bad form."
Chapter Ten
"Chris, that's not a good idea."
"Why?"
"Uncle Johnny, tends to...get overly involved in baseball games."
"Huh?"
"Trust me, son. You don't want him there."
Johnny emerged from the den. "Ready to go, Chris?"
"Yeah!" Chris ran out the front door. Roy caught Johnny's arm.
"Now, look. This isn't a battalion picnic. This is Little League." Johnny yanked his arm away.
"I know that. I was in Little League." Roy grabbed his arm again.
"He's not very good, Johnny. He just likes to play."
Well, yeah, that's what it's all about. The enjoyment of the game. Let's go."
Two hours later, Roy and Johnny sat on the creaky bleachers at the baseball field. Johnny elbowed Roy.
"Ya know, if he choked up on the bat, he'd have a better swing." Roy shook his head.
"That's for the coach to - " But Johnny was already on his feet.
"Hey, Chris! Choke up on the bat!" Chris looked around for the source of the unsolicited advice. Roy tugged Johnny's arm.
"Sit down, would ya?"
"That's right! Choke up on the bat! Atta boy!" Johnny grinned at Roy. "Now we'll see what he can - damn it!" Johnny jumped as Chris's pop foul smacked him in the arm. Roy looked up at him.
"NOW would you sit down?" Johnny rubbed his arm and took his seat.
"That kid's got a powerful swing. Bet if I coached him a bit he'd - "
"No."
Chris struck out, thus ending the game. Johnny and Roy went to him as he stood at home plate, head bowed.
"I messed up."
"You did your best, Chris. And it was a close game."
"Yeah, Sprout. You made some real good plays in the outfield. Real good." Johnny glanced at Roy. "Real good." Chris squinted up at them.
"Do you know who was yelling at me to choke up on the bat? I got so confused...that was real dumb advice. I wish people wouldn't yell stuff from the bleachers." Johnny grinned sheepishly.
"Yeah, that was...real dumb. But ya know...the important thing is to enjoy the game, the fresh air, the camaraderie of your team, the - "
"Mr. DeSoto, can I speak with you a moment?" The coach approached Roy, shaking his head.
"Uh, sure. Johnny, why don't you walk Chris to the car."
"Yeah, uh...no sweat. Come on, Chris. How about we get some ice cream? You want ice cream? Boy, I could sure use some."
"Nah, I just want to go home."
Roy waved them off, then turned to the coach.
"Mr. DeSoto, do me a favor, would you? don't bring that...that...PERSON here again."
Chapter Eleven
"Johnny, come on, wake up!"
"Huh? Roy? What's up?"
Roy switched on the lamp next to the sofa bed. It was 1am.
"It's Joanne. I think she has appendicitis."
Johnny sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "Okay, I'll take a look at her."
"I don't need you to take a look at her!"
"Roy, you're emotionally involved. Let me take a look. Maybe it's just gas."
"Look, would ya shut up and listen! I'm taking her to the hospital. You stay with the kids."
"Me? But - "
"Look, you jerk. You think I WANT you babysitting? But it's the middle of the night, Joanne is sick, and I gotta go! So just...just...babysit."
Roy ran from the den. Johnny pulled on a robe and shuffled to the foot of the stairs. Joanne was coming down the stairs, emitting a small "ow" with each step.
"Roy, why don't ya carry her? It'd be easier." Roy glared in his direction, then looked at Joanne. "That's right, two more steps...and we're down. Let's go. It's gonna be all right."
Johnny opened the door and waited. As Joanne passed him, she stopped.
"Johnny..."
"Yeah?"
"Don't, uh..." Roy pulled her out the door. As it closed, Johnny thought he heard Joanne say, "...do any more damage..."
"Nah..."
The house was suddenly quiet. Too quiet. Johnny stood in the living room, unsure what to do. Wait...check the kids. That's what parents do. They check the kids. He crept up the stairs and looked in on Jenny. Fast asleep. He checked Chris. Fast asleep. Satisfied, he started back down the stairs. When he reached the den, he paused.
What if the kids woke up and found their parents' bed empty? He'd better sleep there.
Johnny climbed back up the stairs, rechecked the kids, and stretched out on Roy and Joanne's bed. He was almost asleep when a thought jolted him wide awake.
What if one of the kids needed help and he didn't hear them?
"Oh, man..." Johnny tiptoed into Jenny's room, scooped her up, and placed her, still sleeping, in Roy and Joanne's bed. he repeated the process with Chris, then carefully laid down in the middle of the bed and fell asleep.
Chapter Twelve
Four hours later, the phone rang. Johnny reached over Jenny and picked up the receiver.
"WHAT?"
"Johnny?"
"Uh, yeah...sorry, I was asleep."
"How are the kids?"
"They're fine. Why wouldn't they be?"
"All right, all right. Look, it was appendicitis. She's in Recovery."
"Oh, man...good thing I told you to get her to the hospital."
"WHAT?"
"I said, 'good thing...' Oh, right that was you."
"Never mind. Look, just stay with the kids, okay? I'll be home later. I know you're going home today. Just wait till I get there, all right?"
"Well, of course I'm gonna wait. What did ya think I would do? Leave 'em? They're right here with me. Right here."
"All right. Just...feed 'em cold cereal and watch TV. Don't go anywhere, don't do anything. Just...don't do anything."
"Okay, okay, geez. Tell Joanne everything is fine." Johnny hung up the phone and laid back down. He started to doze off when small fingers pulled his eyelid open.
"Ouch!"
"Where's Mommy?" Two giant blue eyes were inches from his face.
"Jenny, leggo my eye."
"Where's Mommy?"
"Uncle Johnny? Why are we in here?" Chris tapped Johnny on the shoulder. "Where are Mommy and Daddy?"
"They're fine. I'll tell ya later. Let's go back to sleep." Johnny threw an arm across his face and closed his eyes. Chris shook his shoulder.
"Did Mommy say we could sleep here?"
"Well, no, but - "
"Mommy doesn't like it when you sleep in her bed. Why are we here?"
"I dunno. Thought it'd be easier to keep an eye on you here. Go back to sleep, okay?" Jenny pulled his eye open again. She frowned at him.
"Does this mean we're married, now?" Johnny stared at her.
"Yeah - no. Look, kids..."
They waited expectantly.
"Why don't you go back to your own beds?" Chris shrugged.
"Okay." He jumped up and headed toward the door. "You gonna tell Mommy we were in her bed?"
"No...I won't tell. Go back to sleep." Chris disappeared. Jenny continued to stare at him.
"WHAT?"
"Uncle Johnny...you want me to walk you back downstairs?"
"What? No. Go back to your room." Jenny's lower lip quivered. She got out of bed and dragged toward the door.
"Jenny, wait...I didn't mean..." Jenny paused at the door, her hand on the knob, her head bowed.
"You don't want to marry me." Johnny sighed, got out of bed, shuffled to Jenny, and picked her up.
"If we stay here, will you go to sleep?"
"That means we're married, right?"
"Yeah, sure. But just until breakfast, okay?" She smiled, nodded, and yawned. Johnny placed her back in the bed, covered her, and laid down. "Man..." He closed his eyes. Jenny patted his face.
"Uncle Johnny?"
"Yeah?"
"Are we gonna do what married people do in bed?" Johnny gulped.
"What they do in bed?"
"Yeah. Mommies and Daddies. I know all about it." Johnny sat up and inched away from her.
"Jenny, whadaya mean, 'What they do?'" She grinned.
"YOU know..."
"Jenny - " She leaned into his ear and whispered.
"They eat snackies."
Chapter Thirteen
"But it's Saturday."
"So?"
"Mommy makes pancakes on Saturday."
"But - "
"We always have pancakes on Saturday. Always."
"Well, Mommy's not here and Daddy said we should have cold cereal, Chris."
"But - "
"Look, your folks are already pissed - er, mad at me. Give me a break, would ya? I don't know how to make pancakes."
"I do." Johnny eyed Chris.
"You do?"
"Yeah...you go to IHOP."
"No. Your Daddy said to stay here." Jenny took Johnny's hand.
"I love IHOP."
"Oh no, don't you look at me that. We're saying here and having cereal." Jenny tugged his hand.
"I love IHOP...and I love you."
"Jenny..."
Chris grabbed his other hand. "I love you, too. You're my favorite uncle."
"Me, too. My favorite."
"I am?" The kids saw the look. They had him right where they wanted him. They went in for the kill.
"You're the best uncle in the world."
"Yeah. The bestest. I love you, Uncle Johnny. I really, really do."
"Okay...let's go." The kids cheered and ran out the front door. Johnny followed.
"Oh, man...I am NEVER having kids."
Chapter Fourteen
"Chocolate chip waffles?"
"And whipped cream."
Johnny eyed Chris.
"Your folks let you order this?" Chris nodded. Johnny glanced at Jenny. She smiled.
"With strawberry syrup."
A waitress appeared.
"You know what you want?" She tapped her pencil impatiently on her order pad and snapped her gum at Johnny. He scanned the menu.
"Do these chocolate chip waffles come with fruit?" She sighed impatiently and pointed to the menu.
"Side dishes are here. Well?"
"Uh..."
"I'll come back."
"No, wait." He eyed the kids again. "Okay, two orders of chocolate chip waffles, one with..." He checked Jenny's face. She nodded excitedly. "...strawberry syrup. Two orders of fruit salad. Two milks, one coffee." He handed the menus to the waitress. She snapped her gum and walked away. "Oh, man..."
"Uncle Johnny, it's okay."
"I hope so. This is not what your daddy told me to do."
"But when you buy cereal for work, you get Coco Puffs. Daddy said so." Johnny shook his head.
"Once. It happened once. And it was a mistake. I thought I was buying - "
"Lucky Charms, I know. Daddy told us."
"Your daddy has a big mouth, you know that?" He sat back and rubbed his eyes. "As soon as your daddy gets home, it'll be time for me to leave. Okay?" Jenny leaned against him.
"And Mommy is coming back with Daddy, right?"
"Uh, no. Remember I told you Mommy's in the hospital." Jenny shook her head. "Oh, that's right. Well, the thing is - "
"What's a hospital?"
"Well it's - "
"It's where Daddy and Uncle Johnny take hurt people. You know, car wrecks 'n stuff," Chris interrupted. Jenny's eyes grew round.
"Mommy was in a car wreck?" Her chin quivered.
"No! She wasn't in a wreck. What happened was - "
"And you went there after you got bit by that rattlesnake and almost died, right?" Jenny squeezed Johnny's arm.
"No! I mean yeah, I did go there, but your Mommy wasn't bit by a snake."
"She have a baby?"
"No! She had appendicitis, that's all. No big deal." Jenny took Johnny's ears and turned his head toward her wide-eyed, curious face
"Ouch! Jenny - "
"What's acitis?"
"Appendicitis. Let go my ears, would ya?" He sat her down. "Now look. The appendix is a little part of the body. It was bothering your Mommy, so the doctors took it out. She's fine."
"Then why isn't she coming home?"
"She needs to rest, that's all."
"Daddy says the hospital is the worst place to rest." Johnny sighed.
"Is there anything your daddy DOESN'T say?" Chris shrugged.
Jenny tapped his arm. "How did they get the citis out of her?"
"Appendix. It's the appendix."
"How'd they get it out?" Chris shot his hand in the air.
"I know, I know! They cut her - " Johnny clamped a hand over Chris's mouth.
"Chris - " Chris pulled Johnny's hand away.
"Hey, don't do that!"
"look, let me explain it, all right?"
The food arrived. Johnny nodded at the waitress, who snapped her gum and walked away. The kids started eating. Jenny poured strawberry syrup on her waffles. It spilled into her lap. She giggled. Johnny grabbed a napkin and wiped her dress. She giggled again, then shoved a forkful of waffle in her mouth.
"Tell about Mommy."
"what about her?"
"You know - how they cut the appends out of her."
"Appendix."
"Yeah."
"Look, maybe your daddy should explain it." Jenny shook her head.
"I like the way you explain things." Chris rolled his eyes. "Betcha Uncle Johnny doesn't know. Betcha he thinks the Appendix Fairy does it." Jenny stood up in the booth, slipped on the syrup, and landed in Johnny's lap.
"Oh! Oh! A fairy? Was there a fairy?" Johnny hauled her off his lap and sat her down in her seat, wincing at the 'squish' he heard as she settled into the syrup covered plastic booth cushion. He took a deep breath.
"Okay. If you'll both be quiet, I'll explain it." Two sets of eyes stared at him. He cleared his throat.
"Okay...first, they gave your mommy medicine, to make her go to sleep. Then a special doctor used a very small knife - a scalpel - and made a cut." He drew a finger across his lower abdomen. "Then he took another scalpel, and cut off the appendix, sewed her back up, and woke her up." The kids were silent. "Got it?" They nodded. Jenny got on her knees, slipped, and landed face down on the seat. Johnny pulled her up. She was covered in syrup. She stared anxiously at him.
"You're sure it didn't hurt?"
"Absolutely. She was asleep." Chris shook his head.
"If someone tried to cut me open when I was asleep, I'd wake up for sure."
"No, it was a different kind of sleep. The doctor knocked her out." One look at their faces and he realized his mistake. But it was too late.
Chapter Fifteen
"Daddy! Daddy's home!" Chris and Jenny threw themselves at Roy as he wearily entered the house.
"Is Mommy okay?
"Did they really cut her open with a knife?"
"Uncle Johnny says the doctor hit her!"
"Daddy, is she dead?"
"Daddy, please don't leave us alone again!"
"Uncle Johnny said they put sewing thread in her tummy!"
"Daddy look, I got syrup on my new dress!"
"Yeah, we went to IHOP and Jenny barfed!"
Roy glared at Johnny, who was inching toward the door.
"Think I'll just...go."
"John?"
"Uh, yeah?"
"Get. Out. Now."
"Sure thing. Bye." Johnny closed the door behind him and disappeared. Roy heard the Rover start up and pull away. The kids ran to the window. He crouched down and held them close.
"It's okay...he's gone." They turned and looked at him.
"Daddy?"
"Yes, son?"
"That was the best two weeks of my life. The best."
"But - " A sticky hand patted his face.
"Daddy?"
"What, Pumpkin?"
"I love Uncle Johnny. I'm going to marry him. When is he coming back?" Roy's jaw dropped. There was a knock at the door. Roy swung it open. Johnny, of course.
"Sorry, I forgot my suitcase. I'll just get it and be on my way..." He crossed to the den, kids in tow.
"Don't leave, Uncle Johnny!"
"Can't you stay?"
"Just for a while?"
"Marry me and stay forever."
"Can you take us swimming?"
"Yeah or just play. You're the funnest grownup in the world."
"Yeah, the funnest."
Johnny dragged himself to the front door, a child hanging on each leg. He pried them off and handed them over to Roy.
"Uh, sorry. You know how it is...Uncles always win the...the popularity contest. It's just that - " Roy slammed the door in his face.
"Go away." He heaved a sigh of relief, then looked down at the kids. They were teary. He picked up Jenny and hugged her.
"Uncle Johnny is gone."
"Now what are we gonna do?"
"Why'd you havta make him leave like that? You hurt his feelings!"
"Daddy, that wasn't nice. He might never come back, now."
Jenny burst into tears. "I wanna marry Uncle Johnny!" She socked Roy in the arm, climbed down, and ran, crying, up the stairs. Chris threw him a resentful look.
"You didn't have to be so mean, Daddy, just because we love Uncle Johnny. You're the one who invited him here in the first place." He followed Jenny up the stairs.
Roy looked around at the disastrous mess in the living room. He sank down on the sofa, his hand landing on Jenny's syrup-covered dress.
"So help me Junior, I'm gonna...I'm gonna..." The phone rang. He shook the dress off his hand, reached over and answered it.
"Hello? Honey, how ya feeling? Just left. No, the kids are fine. Yes, it was a good thing he was here...thank him? Oh, yeah, I thanked him all right. Get some rest." He hung up the sticky receiver, reached down, and picked up the dress from the carpet. A small red stain was left behind.
"I have not even BEGUN to thank him."
THE END