Christmas Kuchiki
A/N: Just a little one-shot explaining Christmas in the crazy 6th Division…just a crack fic no worries. Ohhh! I'm listening to a remix of the Invader Zim theme!! OBEY THE FIST!!!
Disclaimer: I wish I owned Bleach, but I don't. Tite Kubo, the genius who came up with the whole idea does. Damn him.
Christmas Kuchiki
If one were to walk into the main barracks of the Gotei Thirteen's Sixth Division, one would find it normal. Just unseated and seated officers running papers back and forth, writing letters or submitting documents for Shuuhei-Fukutaichou to read, edit and submit to the Shinigami newspaper. If you would call it that. Down the hall and to the immediate left was the barrack's kitchen. And in that kitchen was an unholy scene playing…on repeat.
"Here, Sir, it says right here one cup of flour, not two."
"Renji," countered the considerably shorter man, "we're doubling the recipe. In other words, you multiply by two."
Embarrassed and cheeks flushed, Abarai-Fukutaichou mumbled an apology to his captain for his ignorance. "You want that flour now?"
"Yes."
Leaning over the counter to reach for a measuring cup, Renji soon hissed an 'ouch'. A small red mark, in the shape of a circle was left on the top of his right hand. "Oh, I didn't know that you had the measuring cup, Kuchiki-Taichou."
"You should be more observant," Byakuya said, dryly.
In a small attempt to make small-talk with his oh-so-concentrated Captain, Renji cleared his throat and forced himself to ask the question that was eating at him. "So, why is it that we're making cookies? And since when are you a good cook?"
A small smirk played at Byakuya's lips. This scared Renji, so much so that the red-headed Lieutenant of the "normal" Sixth Division backed up. His feet scuttled backward, not noticing that Byakuya's bluish-gray eyes followed him, the smirk widening somewhat. "Sir?" Renji squeaked.
"The cookies, Renji, are for the Captains. Every year one of the Captain's hosts a Christmas party, and this year it's Hanabi-Taichou. She decided to theme it "Cookies", but as a play on words, she changed 'cookies', to Kuchiki."
"She's weird." Renji commented, laughing.
"Yes, well, that's Hanabi for you. So, as such, she has me making cookies…too many if you ask me." A list was thrown to Renji. "Those are the types of cookies, how many, and what kinds of ingredients are needed. If we run out of something, Renji, it is your life mission to go and get whatever it is that we're missing."
"Of course, Kuchiki-Taichou, now, can you tell me what kind of cookies these are?"
Byakuya, snatching the list back from Renji, ran his index finger down the paper, searching for the type of cookie they were on. Five minutes later, the feared Taichou finally found the kind. "Mexican Wedding cookies…it's not like anyone's getting married though."
Renji quirked a dark eyebrow at his confused Captain, "Maybe she just likes the flavour of them, I mean the things have a ton of powdered sugar on them. Perhaps Hinamori-Taichou has a major sweet tooth."
"Everyone knows that she has a sweet tooth, and she goes to the extremes just to find a piece of cake." Byakuya stated, matter-a-factly. Grabbing the spatula that was laying just to his left, Byakuya pulled the cookie dough from the sides of the bowl. "Is the oven preheated, Abarai?" He questioned.
Renji nodded and used the Pam bottle that was on the island to grease to cookie sheets. "These are going to be the best cookies ever…are we going to give some to Santa?"
An awkward silence fell over the kitchen, and Byakuya stopped everything he was doing and looked at Renji, his face twisted into some unrecognizable emotion, or idea that was whirling in his mind. "Repeat yourself, Abarai."
"I said," Renji started, but immediately caught himself, clamping his hands over his mouth and shaking his head vigorously, so that his red pineapple air went left and right. Byakuya narrowed his gaze, threatening Renji silently to repeat himself. Unclamping his hands from his mouth, Renji squeaked his earlier question.
The stoic, calm Captain of the Sixth Division looked as if he was about to die. His attempts to stifle the laughter that was building in his chest was in vain, and eventually, more of five seconds after Renji restated his earlier question, he burst out laughing," My God, Renji, really?" Renji blushed a deep crimson as he listened to his Captain laughing at him.
Finally, at around eight o'clock, the cookies were done and the two Captain-Class Shinigami headed to their homes, and the warm, comfortable beds that resided there, only one of them excited for the day that was soon to come.
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Lieutenant Abarai placed a plate of cookies (Kuchiki's according to Hanabi) on the table across from his futon. He then hurried to the kitchen and poured a small glass of milk and placed it diagonally from the small plate of cookies, and then he rushed to his desk and wrote a small letter reading:
Dear Santa,
My name is Renji, but of course you know that. I want to prove
to my arrogant (please don't tell him I said that) that you exist. So please, show some sign of you being here by indulging in these freshly baked cookies that he and I had made earlier this afternoon. Merry Christmas!
Signed,
Lieutenant Renji Abarai of the 6th Division
Smiling at his handy work, Renji quickly, but neatly, folded the short letter and scribbled To: Santa on the front of the paper. He then laid it next to the cookies and placed a corner of the folded paper underneath the plate. "I needa turn off my Christmas lights," Renji reminded himself. He hurried around his room and turned off the masses of lights, from the large Christmas tree that was almost buried in presents to the lights that graced the tops of the walls and went around the perimeter of the room. Renji then laid himself in his blankets, tucked himself in and went to sleep.
The next morning came all too slowly for the excited Lieutenant. As soon as light poured in the windows, he jumped from his bed. "I wonder if Santa came!" He giggled, like a child in a candy store. Renji rushed towards the table, a wide grin spreading across his face. "Take this Kuchiki-Taichou!" He yelled, as loudly as he could, thrusting a small folded piece of paper in the air. "I have to show him this!"
His feet padded roughly against the wooden floor boards of the Kuchiki Mansion. Even though Renji knew his Captain would be mad, and that his Captain very much enjoyed his sleep, and that Christmas was not the time to mess with him (due to emotional strains), he still felt the drive to show him the letter he had received. As he neared the main door to the foyer, he got a tad jittery. How mad would Byakuya be? It was soon washed out of his mind as he thrusted the door violently open. "Captain Kuchiki!" He shrieked, waving the letter around viciously.
Two pairs of eyes stared back at him. It was Rukia and Byakuya's older sister, Lady Mameha Kuchiki of the Royal Guard. "Renji, he's asleep," Mameha informed the frazzled Lieutenant of the Sixth Division. She lifted another present from underneath the Kuchiki's ginormous tree and shook it. "This one is for you, Rukia," she said, handing the box to her sister-in-law.
Renji's happy face fell in exasperation. "Oh, well, ugh. Mameha-hime, this is so important! Could you wake him up for me? Please?" Renji gave his best puppy-dog look to the beautiful ice-blue eyed Shinigami sitting in front of him.
Groaning, Mameha pushed herself up from the floor and turned to Rukia. "Don't open anything while I go attempt to wake up my murderous brother. We'll open them as soon as I drag him from bed." She sauntered to the hallway and paused, looking at Renji, "If he hurts me, which is probably going to happen, I blame you. And you will then owe me one million push-ups, sit-ups, squats and laps…and a nice day at the spa with Rangiku-san. Are we clear?"
"Crystal clear, Ma'am," Renji whispered, gulping.
Mameha nodded, a smile playing on her lips. She disappeared down the hallway, muttering a string of curse words underneath her breath.
Renji stood awkwardly in the main foyer of the Kuchiki mansion. To pass the time that it would take for Lady Mameha to rouse his Captain from bed, he tapped his foot and whistled an out of tune song. Getting bored with that, he started pacing, not noticing Rukia's dark blue eyes following his every movement.
"So," Rukia started, trying to break the thick tension in the room. She placed the present Mameha had handed her back under the tree. "What's written in that letter?" She tilted her head, trying to see who is to and who the letter was from.
"It's proof!" Renji snapped, Rukia raised an eyebrow, questioning him. "Proof that Santa Claus exists. You see, when the two of us,"
"The two of you?" Rukia interrupted.
Renji nodded quickly, "Yes, when the two of us were baking cookies yesterday for the Captain's Christmas party, I asked him if we were going to save some of them for Santa Claus. I was just curious and he gave me this really weird look, as if I were insane."
"You probably are," Rukia pointed out, stifling a laugh. "So, you really asked Nii-sama if you were going to give some of the cookies, that you two baked, which is really creepy, to Santa. Did I miss anything?"
Renji nodded his head again. "When will Mameha be back?" He asked, moving his right foot in circles. He turned his head to where Mameha had disappeared approximately five minutes earlier. "Oh! There they are!" Renji almost jumped out of his skin in excitement.
Through the door appeared a triumphant looking Mameha and a grumpy and extremely tired looking Captain Kuchiki. "What is it, Abarai, and make it fast. I want to go back to sleep," growled Byakuya, an evil look gracing his features.
Flinching, Renji held the letter out to his Captain, who quickly snatched the letter and quickly skimmed it, a look of annoyance replacing the evil look. Biting his lip softly, he handed the letter back to Renji. "My apologies Renji, it seems," A snicker escaped his lips, but was unnoticed by Renji, "that you were right. Now, go home and enjoy your Christmas break."
A wide, beaming smile broke out on Renji's face. "Yes Sir! Thank you Sir!" Renji cheered, rushing away from the mansion, laughing the whole way home.
"I think he's insane with Christmas spirit." Rukia muttered, laughing lightly. "Was that really a letter from Santa?"
"No," answered Byakuya, "He just doesn't know how to tell my handwriting from anything else."
--
In the North Pole, Santa scribbled the name "Renji Abarai" on the Crazy Believer list, a smile on his face the whole time, "Ah, what a good kid." He chuckled happily, lifted his cup of coco from the table next to the large, green, fluffy chair he was sitting in and turned on the TV.
A/N: The end…ha-ha just a crack fic, and yes I'm very well aware of the OCness of every single character in this story minus Hanabi and Mameha who are my two original characters. So yeah. Please click the review button! And a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you!