"Hey, it's Fred! So, I found this awesome thing called a 'hammer.' IT"S AWESOME! All you have to do is hold one end, and smash stuff with the other.

"Yeah, but the hammer kind of go me in trouble. You see, my teacher at kindergarten is SO MEAN! Her last name is all weird and unpronouncable by us six-year-olds, so she lets us call her Ms. Mildred. Anyway, she is a crazy cat lady who also is obsessed with garden gnomes. But, being the sweet, considerate person that I am, I was worried that the garden gnomes could possibly scare her. Or come to life and attack her like in that AWESOME horror movie my mom let me watch when I was four. So I did what I knew was right.

"So last night, after I put my super-awesome ninja costume on, I snuck out of the house and went down the street. That's right, I broke TWO RULES at ONE TIME! That's how much I care about destroying the evil garden gnomes of terror. Anyway, I went down to her house and proceeded to smash, smoosh, crunch, and kaboom each and every gnome. And, may I just say...

"IT WAS SOOOOO AWESOME!

"But then Ms. Mildred called my mom. They can both be so, so, so mean when I do something bad! And, I mean, I'm a pretty good kid. Sure, there have been a few, shall we say, incidents, but other than that, I think I behave well... sometimes, under specific circumstances. But EXPELLING me from kindergarten and making me be babysat by CLAUDIO while my mom is at work? That is so, so, so harsh! Aragh-AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! No, don't take my camera, I'm talking to my only friends, no, don't... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Hello, I'm Claudio. I will be replacing Fred from now on. Now, now, don't be scared. I'm not as crazy as Fred. Or as crazy as Fred makes it seem that I am. You see, that was not me who locked Fred in a dog cage. It was my evil twin, Lysander. I am a fantastic babysitter. I know that you can't use a dog cage to imprision a six-year-old. No, for that, one should use one of those super-large aquariums filled with bubble solution. Watching them slip around afterward is so amusing. So, that is where young Fred is now. He is having so much fun."

"Soap in my eyes! Soap in my eyes! AGHHHH!"

"Don't you hear how much fun Fred is having in there?"

"Hello? 911? Creepy Claudio KIDNAPPED me!"

"I have to go now, if you will excuse me."