Chapter 1: Recapitulation

Captain Kathryn Janeway stared out the window into the void of space. There was not much to see. Only strips of light that flitted past her, which was explained by the speed of the ship, that was under her command for more than five years now. The Voyager was currently flying at warp six through an almost uninhabited area of the universe. Since four weeks nothing seemed to happen.

However Janeway would have been more than grateful for any distraction. The days were monotonous and seemingly meaningless. At least it seemed to her that way. Time seemed to stand still, from the moment on since they met Captain Ransom and his crew and since some momentous decisions had been made.

Well, the decisions were not made jointly, she corrected herself. She, Kathryn Janeway had taken decisions which had cost lifes and brought the ship and crew in danger.

That was nothing new and occurred in the life of every Starfleet captain. Scientific curiosity, any kind of conflicts or interstellar entanglements led sooner or later to the fact that she as a Captain had to risking lives or even had to sacrifice some.

But this time it was different. The confrontation took place between two Starfleet starships; between two crews with equivalent training and not at least between two Starfleet Captains. This fact and the morally extremely reprehensible behavior of the Equinox crew made it hard for her to keep her emotions under control. For the first time in all the years that she was part of Starfleet, her motives were not noble, but had its roots only in one emotion: vengeance.

She sighed and turned around when her thoughts had arrived at this point. How often had she been thinking in recent days and weeks about why she had lost control. Now she knew what had driven her. It was the wounded honor. She had tried to preserve the honor of Starfleet. That was a quite noble motive, but she behaved much too brachial. Nothing to what she was proud of. But on the contrary.

But that was nobody's business but herself. Not even Chakotay. Although he was the only person on board of the ship, with which she would be able to talk.

But between them had happened too much. Too many allusion and small endearments, too much familiarity and then again far too many conflicts that had recently ended in his suspension. Of course she had rehabilitated him and of course they had then talked briefly about it, but she had not apologized for her behavior and also she would not do that anymore.

On the one hand, it was not her way to draw decisions in doubt afterwards and to inform then even their subordinates about it. On the other hand it was back far to long, so that she could not longer talk about it easily. That and the wall that had been built up between them from both sides, made it impossible for her to talk about it with Chakotay.

Outwardly she took it with equanimity, but within her it looked different. She wavered between being injured, self-doubts and fury at him, as well as herself. None of it was shown by her to the outside, but in recent years the crew had developed good antennas for her mood and could see even from little things currently it was better to went out of her way.

Above all, Chakotay. The roster was his task from the day on he was her first officer. Usually he had always adjusted his shift to hers so that they were at least a few hours a day together on the bridge. For weeks, however, they saw each other only for shift handover, which lasted rarely longer than a few minutes. Chakotay probably had changed his shift so that he could go largely out of her way. He also was uncommunicative for weeks and was very careful to address her only by her rank.

Previously he had often used her first name when they were alone. Each time it had felt like a gentle caress of her soul. His "Captain" or worse "Captain Janeway" sounded hard and repeatedly emphasized the difference in rank between them. It was as if he had decided only to see the captain in her and not longer the woman.

For this purpose it fits well, that he had not renewed his invitation to their weekly dinner. Previously, they had always alternated. In the week before the incident with the Equinox she was the hostess herself. They had eaten long hours and talked. Then they had been sitting on the couch and talked and even when they were silent a few times, the silence was not oppressive between them, but filled with harmony.

Chakotay had stretched his arm on the couch rest and sometime Kathryn had leaned her head on it and was slipped a little closer beside him. That was the most intensive body contact she had had in the last few months, as well to him as to anyone else.

That evening Chakotays glance had lovingly still lingers a bit on her face, as she had wished him goodnight. Then he was gone with a smile on his face and Kathryn's mouth angle were directed upward, as she went into the bathroom to change clothes. At that time a few weeks ago she had seen her smile in the mirror and thought how good Chakotays presence was for her. Even if he was there only as a friend.

But then came the terrible event with the Equinox, which brought her in such anger, that she put the life of an Equinox crew member immediately at risk and as Chakotay kept her away from it; saved her ass and the life of the man, she had only annoyance for him. Annoyance that remained also as he told her his opinion later that day.

Today she could admit to herself that he was right with all that he had tossed at her head, but at that time in their stubbornness; in her anger and the delusion that the Equinox team and especially the captain had to be pulled for responsibility, she had not thought about Chakotay's objections, but instead simply suspended him from duty and confined him to his quarters.

For this reason in the first two weeks after the incident she found it not surprising that he behaved differently and especially distanced. But now the incident lay back six weeks. The repairs to the ship were completed for more than 20 days. But Chakotay still behaved repellent towards her and had never given her a hint that he wants to spend private time with her.

Well, maybe she had pushed him away once too much and reprimanded him once too much. It was even very likely. But she could not and did not apologize for it. Her pride on which such an apology would have scratched did not allow it. Also it would have been not good for the respect which had to be shown to her as the Captain.

No, if Chakotay wanted to return to a purely factual level, then it should probably be so. She would not go a step towards him and try to get pally, begging for his friendship. Perhaps it was arrogant, but she could not get out of their skin. Maybe she had destroyed their friendship with her behavior, but she simply expected he would again approach her.

Sighing because of the gloomy thoughts with which she expelled her time, she sat down at her desk and went through several repair reports.

When it was time for having lunch and just in the moment as she wanted to get up, a voice came from the intercom.

"Chakotay to Captain Janeway."

Kathryn Janeway smiled a little. His voice was dissolved today. Perhaps a good sign. "Janeway here. What's Commander? "

"I'd like to talk to you, Captain and want to ask if you have time."

Janeway frowned. He usually came to her without asking for an appointment. Even lately. Although their relationship had cooled, he had previously never had to get an appointment. "Of course, Chakotay." She deliberately left off his rank. Maybe she could animate him this way to use her first name again. "I was about going to lunch. Just come with me. Then we can talk.", she added.

His answer surprised her. "No, Captain. This is not an issue for the mess hall. I think we will need only short time, but it is an important issue to me and I would like to discuss with you privately. If it does not fit today, maybe tomorrow. "

That could fit him like that. He would not let her brood for 24 hours about what his problem was. "Alright, Commander. Then please come to the ready room one hour before your shift starts." She ended the connection and shook her head. Whatever he wanted to tell her, it did not seem to be good.

Inwardly she steeled herself already hours before their meeting in front of a dispute. Surely he would raise the issue Equinox again and Kathryn Janeway was herself not sure how she would react.

TBC