Chapter One: Love denied blights the soul we owe to God.
Sleep was not coming easy to soothe Remus' troubled mind. It was very early in the morning but all he could think about would be that upcoming night and the changes that it would bring. Remus Lupin was no stranger to changes, but something like this… He shuddered suddenly under his sheets. He could not have realized his life had come down to this one night. He rolled over in his bed and tried to make sleep come to him. He closed his eyes, but all he could think about was her.
I wonder if she is just as nervous as I am? He thought gently to himself. He had a thought of a very nervous woman lying in her own bed, miles away, thinking about this next night as well; thinking about him. But then he thought to himself, No, she would never be nervous about something like this. She has wanted this from the day she met me. A grin cross his prematurely lined face. Merlin, how she had made his life more bearable, and much easier to accept not only what she gave to him, but in helping to accept himself.
Remus turned over in his bed again looking around at the dark room around him. There was not much to the room, except for a few things his parents had left him when they had passed away, and a few of his most favorite books. Books were something that could never betray him, something that would welcome him always with open arms to be only he, lost in the pages of fantasy. Yes, books had been his constant companions, especially in the years following James and Lilly's deaths. He was consumed by the safety they gave him and the way they could take away his pain of living.
But that was before he had met her. Books no longer seem to hold the same meaning because the source of comfort and safety he had felt holding copies of the classics, he suddenly found in the arms of a young witch who stole his whole heart and soul. He couldn't believe it at first. Someone who had so much in her life, which was always so vivacious and had an optimistic view on all parts of life, could be truly in love with someone like him. Who was poor, and dangerous, and could not be trusted, in society and in the home. But she did. And the thought that someone came to use him as a support system scared him. He could never be trusted by anyway besides the Maurders, and here was this young woman who saw only stability and comfort with him.
Their first kiss was something like a dream, that left the whole body numb and wanting more. She had been the one to promote the kiss, because Remus never had the nerve to try and ignite any sort of passion between them. And once he had kissed her soft warm, pink, lips, he could no longer help himself from wanting so much more from her. She could only be described as eager in wanting what Remus was willing to give her. He was glad that she was so forward because if she had not kissed him on that cold winter day, they could have been stuck in a circle, flirting with each other, giving each other subtle hints, but never doing anything about the feelings they both shared with each other.
The next few months were all a cloud of happiness that was spent finding an empty space to kiss each other with the ravenous force of a starving man. Soon they took their relationship to finding other places to explore, both geographically and of the body. And soon in the incredible throws of passion, they both professed their love for each other. When he heard these words pass her lips he could have died happily just then. A woman was in love with him, completely and utterly in love with him. It was real and it carried the promise of love forever. And what gave Remus the most joy with those simple yet mighty words was the fact he could easily love this woman till the end of his days. He was worried however, of their age difference, of how he could not financially support them, or how he could have the potential of becoming a killer. But his doubts and fears were quickly put aside by the look in her eyes or in her kiss.
But just as they couldn't be happier, the most terrible of tragedies struck them both with the force of a cannon. The death of their dearest friend, Sirius Black, was almost too much to bear in the first hours of coming to terms with his death. Remus saw first hand what a night of rash decisions and mistakes could do, and he did not want that for her. Suddenly all those fears of the previous months took on new meaning, and were not as easily quelled as they had been before. Sirius rushed out to defend the person he loved the most, and sacrificed himself. What if Remus was in danger and Nymphadora came running out to his rescue? No, he couldn't let that happen. Her death would push him over the edge of all coping and reason. So he pushed her away, giving her the most realistic excuses that he could think of. But she didn't buy them, not for a moment, because all the while, he could never look her in eye.
So while Remus was shivering in a dark hole in the ground, with the creatures he had to become associated with, she went through the worst year of her life. The pain that she felt that year could only be doubled within Remus. His entire body ached for her and wanting her gentle touch. But he avoided her, at meetings, in the Burrow, wherever he thought she could be found, and by doing so pushed the memories of the happiness they had felt, just a year before hand. He ignored her owls, reading them but never responding. At first they were pleas to find out what she had done wrong. He would smile bitterly when he first read these. The only thing that she had ever done to him was showing him exactly what he could lose when irrational thoughts were put to actions. Soon her owls became those of wanting and of the knowledge he wanted her just as badly as she had wanted him. Remus would burn these quickly because he didn't want to hear her say these things. It made it all more terrible to leave her in this state of agony. He could not think of seeing her again because to walk away from her again would be even more terrible and would tear him so deeply apart he could not bear to think of what he would become afterwards.
But they did meet again. On a night full of nervous wondering, she confronted him, right in the halls of Hogwarts, while they were supposed to be patrolling. She was on the brink of tears, looking more warn for wear than Remus had ever seen her. She was asking him again and again, to her once and for all tell her that if he could push her away this forcefully that he must not love her anymore.
"Look me in the eye Lupin, and tell me that you don't love me anymore!" She finally said, tearfully cornering him in a darken hallway.
"Nymphadora, I can't say that too you," he had finally admitted, and back away from her tear stained face. But before either of them could say anything screams were coming down the corridor and they both left to help the battle that was on going on.
That night was unlike anything either of them had encountered. People were dead, scarred, bruised and forced to see things that no one ever wanted in such a sacred place. Dumbledore had left the world in a haze of surprise and sorrow that everyone was lost. And right there in the hospital wing, in the wake of this miserable haze, she confronted him again, no longer in a private setting were he could try to push her away again without anyone seeing how much pain it caused him to do so. Here, out in the open in front of a grieving family and Harry. Not to mention Minerva McGonagall. He again tried to force his excuses back at her, giving the whole room a glimpse at what torture he had been inflicting on the young woman for a year now.
They stood in silence for a few moments, before she left the room holding a hand to her heart. Molly Weasley had scolded him like he was a three year old, and Arthur merely gave him a look. Not wanting to hear the words he already new to be true, he went after the young woman. He didn't know what to say to make up for what he had done. And has he was calling her name to stop her from walking out the front door, she slowly turned around to see him and something clicked in his head. How could I have been so foolish? Love knows nothing of rank or riverbank, and can drive two souls in a beautiful union, and it is unchangeable as nature itself. He took giant strides toward her, hesitated about what he was about to say, thought better of it, and
kissed her.
He kissed her what felt like seasons. And standing there in the Great Hallway, with everyone to see them, she kissed him back. It was there Remus knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with this woman. And even in the wake of such a terrible tragedy, Remus saw what love really was. Finally they exhaled parting from each other's lips as they breathed deeply in together, Remus holding her head in his hands.
"I love you Nymphadora Tonks, please forgive an old man of his terrible mistake of leaving you for a moment."
"You have a lot of time to make up for Professor, but I think that by starting here, you may be able to pay off your debt by Christmas."
"Well then, there is no time like the present." He said smiling down into her glowing face, and finding an indescribable strength between them, they left the hall that bore all the marks of the sadness and despair, still so raw in each other's minds, and went to start their life together.
Tonks had taken Remus back with open arms. She knew that he had suffered just as she had in that year they had lost with one another. And she did not question him for his suddenly understanding of their love. All that she did ask of him was to never doubt how they felt about each other. And that come what may, she would always love him, just as he was.
Remus finally found sleep thinking about the kiss that had restarted everything for them. And now, on the eve of their wedding to one another, he thought sleepily, not for the first time that day, how he could have been so lucky.