Because I Love You
1
John set down the clipboard and stretched. His team had been given the task of inventorying Atlantis's weapons lockers and it was a tedious one. They'd been making the best of it though. Well, Teyla and Ronon had been making the best of it. Rodney had spent most of the morning whining about how the endeavor was a huge waste of his talents and John had conversely spent most of his morning whining about Rodney. Situation normal, he supposed. They were nearly done. Only two more lockers to go, when John caught sight of Elizabeth standing just outside the door. He grinned when their eyes met, and was puzzled when she didn't return the gesture.
"John, I need to have a word with you in private," she said.
As she spoke, two things dawned on him. One: she'd called him 'John' not 'Colonel Sheppard' as she usually did in front of his team, and two: she was pale and shaky.
"Sure," he replied.
"You guys can spare me for a few moments, right?" He turned to his team.
Teyla and Ronon nodded while Rodney threw up his hands and rolled his eyes. Elizabeth's stern look in Rodney's direction quieted any further protest, however, and John couldn't help but chuckle as he stepped through the door.
He followed her down the corridor in silence, not speaking until they ducked into one of the empty storage rooms on this level and the door closed behind them. "Okay now that you've gone to the trouble of getting me all to yourself, what's on your mind?" His jovial mood quickly evaporated, though when she remained silent, her arms folded tightly across her chest. Something was definitely wrong. "Elizabeth, talk to me. What's the matter? You don't look well." He took a tentative step toward her, but pulled up short when she shied away.
"I'm not well, not at all," Elizabeth studied the floor for a moment, then took a deep breath. "I don't know how else to tell you this except to come out and say it...John...I'm pregnant."
The room spun out of focus for a moment. Okay Sheppard, get a grip, don't panic, he told himself. John drew in a deep breath to steady himself and then...he panicked. "Are you sure? I mean, I thought we were careful. Don't you have that implant thingie? And then there was the back up method?" He cut himself off mid babble, mentally kicking himself. That was so not the reaction she needed. The look on her face was almost unreadable. Yet, he'd gotten to know her pretty well over the last few months well enough to catch the tiny flickers of worry, fear, and a tiny bit of disappointment too in her eyes. That last one really stung. Nothing was worse than disappointing Elizabeth.
Sighing heavily, she met his gaze. "Yes, I'm sure. I've suspected for a couple of days now and this morning I went to see Carson. He confirmed it." Elizabeth hugged her arms more tightly to her chest. "Apparently, the birth control implant failed. Luck of the draw that I got a defective one." Her lips twisted into a wry smirk. "And if you remember, there were a couple of times we didn't even think about a backup, so I guess the answer is no, we weren't careful enough."
Slowly her words sank in. John nodded. "Okay, so what are you going to do about it?" He asked and immediately regretted it. What was wrong with him? He wanted, no needed, to go about this the right way. That was not the right way. Elizabeth's mood immediately shifted from one of anxiety to anger.
"What am I going to do about it?" She repeated incredulously. "Oh no, John Sheppard, you're not throwing this at my feet to deal with alone. I didn't get into this situation by myself. You're in it whether you like it or not."
John put up his hands in surrender. Trying to remain calm he attempted to explain. "I'm sorry. That's not what I meant. I'm with you, Elizabeth, but ultimately the choice of whether or not to go through with this is yours. It's your body." There that sounded better, more reassuring or not. Now Elizabeth was shaking with rage.
"That's always your answer isn't it? The quick fix?" She shook her head. "Did you even considered that I might want to have this child? That maybe we could deal with the situation instead of brush it under the rug." Elizabeth was frantic now, her voice growing louder and louder with each word. "Dammit John! For once I need you to be a grown up."
It would've hurt less if she'd slapped him in the face. "Hey, now, wait just a minute. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm not some damned kid either. Do you really want to deal with this? Do you really want to talk to me about it or do you want to blame me? Maybe you're just pissed that you got caught slumming with a fuckup like me." John was so confused and hurt he couldn't help himself he had to lash out. He didn't know the first thing about being a father, not a good one anyway. Hell, he'd only recently thought he was beginning to get a grip on the relationship thing. The current situation blew that belief right out of the water.
Elizabeth doubled over, tears flowing freely now. "Forget it. I've change my mind. I'll deal with this, but I won't deal with you. I'll let you know what I decide." She started toward the door.
John stepped in front of her, cutting her off. "Elizabeth, wait, I didn't mean that. I...I don't know what to say." Gently he took hold of her arm.
She laughed harshly. "That much is clear." Elizabeth tied to jerk her arm away, but his grip held fast. "Let me go." Her voice was dangerously quiet. "I said let me go."
"Jesus, Elizabeth cut me some slack." He sighed letting go of her arm to run his fingers nervously through his hair. "Elizabeth, I didn't mean to freak out on you. I really care about you and I want us to get deal with this together."
She nodded weakly. "Okay. Okay, but I think we both need some time. Time to think about this before we talk again."
"Agreed," he replied. It didn't even occur to him to ask how much time or when they would talk again as she brushed past him. By the time he'd snapped out of his stupor and stepped into the hallway, Elizabeth was nowhere in sight.
He went back to the weapons locker; plastered a fake smile on his face and assured his team there was nothing to worry about. They should all get back to work. Though none of them seemed convinced, they returned to their tasks. Even McKay didn't offer a complaint. John couldn't focus. He was going to be a father or maybe not. The conversation with Elizabeth had left him confused and jumbled inside. She'd pulled so far back, that he had no idea which way she was leaning. Either decision terrified him, but he knew she'd keep her word and let him have his say. As he struggled through his work, it slowly dawned on him what that say would be. He wanted this...to have a family, to be a father...he wanted it especially with Elizabeth. Truthfully only with Elizabeth.
"John? Are you all right?" Teyla asked, concern evident in her tone.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he replied. "Just a bit distracted."
Teyla inclined her head. "That much is evident. You have counted the contents of that particular container four times now."
Sheepishly, he rubbed the back of his neck. "Four times huh? Damn, didn't realize I was that distracted."
"Yeah, buddy, it's pretty bad." Ronon said. "For a minute there I thought you were going to pull the pin on one of those grenades."
John paled. "Grenades? Pins?" He glanced down at the container, realizing for the first time it was filled with smoke grenades. "Christ that coulda got messy," he muttered. "At least they aren't grenade grenades."
"That's why I didn't bother trying to stop you." Ronon said smirking.
"Nice! Real nice, Ronon. It's all fun and games until someone gets asphyxiated," he lamented.
Teyla took hold of John's arm and led him toward the door. "Why don't you take a break, Colonel? The task is near completion anyway and I daresay you will only be a hindrance in your current state of preoccupation," she said. Gently she shoved him into the hall. "Go deal with what is bothering you. We will take care of this."
"Thanks," he said.
John wandered aimless down the hall unsure of where to go or what to do. He badly wanted to talk to Elizabeth, but he needed to get his head on straight first. Like she had said, they both needed time.
First he went to his quarters, hauled out his laptop, and pulled up everything on pregnancy in the medical database. For hours he pored over it absorbing the information with a mixture of awe and fear. When he could stand no more stats and time lines, he went out to the pier where he stayed until long after the sun went down, staring out over the sea lost in thought.
He'd heard nothing from Elizabeth, yet, he felt the time was right to find her. It was too late even for her to be in her office, he reasoned, so he collected a few things and headed to her quarters. It took three chimes before she came to the door. She'd already changed into her comfortable clothes, pajama bottoms and one of his old Air Force t-shirts. She looked tired and a bit ill, but most of all she looked beautiful.
"Hey," he said softly. "I'm ready to talk and I brought you these." He offered her the items he was carrying.
Elizabeth examined them and looked back up a half smile on her face. "Pickles and ice cream, John?" She asked with one of those little smirks that made him crazy.
"Yeah, well, it's the middle of the night and I've heard pregnant ladies crave that sort of thing at odd hours."
She shook her head and laughed. "John Sheppard, I swear half the time I don't know whether to kiss you or kick you."
"Do I get a vote in that?" He relaxed a bit. He'd made her laugh, and that was a good sign.
She took a step back gesturing for him to enter. When he failed to move, Elizabeth grabbed him by the front of the shirt and yanked him inside. "Get in here!" she said her tone a mix of amusement and exasperation.
The door shut behind him, and he followed her over to the couch. They sat there silently for what seemed an eternity. "So..." he ventured, "how are you feeling?"
Elizabeth smiled. "Better than I did this morning. I owe you an apology, John. I was confused and scared...well terrified actually of how you would react . I handled it poorly."
He took her hand in his. "Not as poorly as I did. I'm sorry too. I think we both got pretty rattled." John took a deep breath. "That's not important, though, what's important is what we do from here on out. I've spent most of the day thinking about this; I'm sure you have too." Taking a deep breath he looked into her eyes. "I've decided I want to do this. For us to have this baby together, for us to be a family. It won't be easy, I'm pretty clueless about fatherhood, and we still have some decisions to make, but I want to make them together." He paused waiting for her reaction.
Tears glistened on her cheeks and John couldn't help but reach up and brush them away.
"I'd like that," Elizabeth said softly. "No, actually I'd love that. Before I knew for sure, I thought, the timing on this was all wrong, that I would have an abortion and we would go on with our lives." She smiled tentatively. "When Carson told me I was definitely pregnant, I began to think differently. I'm glad you want to do this. I can't bring myself to destroy something so beautiful that we created together. No matter what the consequences."
He pulled her into his arms, tucking her head under his chin as he held her tight. He'd never felt so elated, yet terrified. The decision was the right one, though, he had no doubt about that. "I wouldn't want to destroy it either. Don't worry about the IOA or the SGC or Atlantis. All of that will work out, some way."
Elizabeth raised her head to give him a tearful smile. "Oh it will?" she laughed. "And how do you know this, Colonel Sheppard? Do you have psychic abilities you've been holding back?"
John cupped her face in his hand, brushing his thumb tenderly across her cheek. "I know because I love you. I love you, Elizabeth Weir, and as long as we're together, everything will be just fine."
For a moment, she was speechless. "I love you too, John Sheppard, and you know what? I believe you," Elizabeth leaned in to kiss him fervently.