What was I thinking? That's the question isn't it? And it's so easy to answer. Too easy. I wasn't.
I wasn't thinking at all. Not when I invited Satsu over to my bedroom after our post-sparring make-out session, and not when we arrived there either. I wasn't thinking. I didn't want to think. And I don't want to right now either.
Shame it doesn't work that way. The Scythe's gone, and Satsu's been avoiding me for the better part of this day. Can't say I blame her, after everyone dropping in unannounced like that. I saw the look on her face. And I saw how her eyes changed, how her whole body tensed up after the words of denial left my mouth.
Stupid stupid stupid.
I knew right afterwards that it was all pretty much a mistake. That I was just using another person, to fill this hole deep inside of me. Like I had done before with Spike after coming back from the land of the dead. There was just one big difference. He was already dead, he was pretty much evil, soulless. Satsu is the complete opposite.
All at once I can feel the bile rising up in my throat again, along with the tears that I've been so desperately trying to keep at bay. But as I run to the bathroom to empty my stomach's contents, they fall anyways. And they keep falling as I rest my head against the cold porcelain of the toilet-seat, as my stomach slowly goes back to feeling normal.
I wish I could. To feel normal again. To feel at all. Because even though the sex was great, oh who am I kidding, better then great even, it didn't feel as okay as I would've liked it to feel. I guess even during this whole ordeal I had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I was busy making one of the worst mistakes of my life.
Yet another one to add to the ever-growing list. Just fantastic.
Throwing some water in my face I stare at myself in the mirror. I barely recognize the person that is staring back at me. My eyes seem so dull and red from the crying, my face so pale. So different from the person I was a few days ago. And I wonder at that moment if this is what Satsu looks like right now.
Fresh tears well up in my eyes. I'm here, basically locked in my room, hiding from the outside-world, wallowing in self-pity. Never once did I really think over about how she might be feeling. How I just know, she probably feels like right now.
She's is, or at least was, in love with me. And I just abused that love.
Maybe the person that stared back at me in the mirror is really who I am right now. Like Willow said some weeks ago. It did change everything. It changed me. I've changed. And the more time passes, the less I like this changed me. And I fear that it's too late to stop this. To put an end to this path of self-destructing I fear I'm following. Fear I might follow...to the very end.
I don't even know how I ended up leaving my room. I just somehow did subconsciously. No idea where I'm heading at all. Some people in the hallway stop for a second to greet me, one even has the nerve to ask me if I'm okay. Didn't think I looked that bad, but I guess I apparently do.
I've always loved this place. The small balcony that pretty much hides me from prying eyes from down below. It always served as a perfect spot to watch the junior-slayers train without my presence distracting them. Just like I'm doing right now. Only this time I don't inspect each and every one of them that's training downstairs. My eyes search out only one of them. And with a shock of surprise, I do find her.
Guess I had expected her to hide in her room as well. And a shimmer of hope rises up from within me. Wondering, if maybe the way I had acted had inflicted less damage on her than I had expected. But that hope gets driven into the ground when I notice the rigid stance of her body.
It's one of the things that drew me towards her. The easy way she mingled with the other slayers. Her openness, the sparkling eyes in response to someone making a joke. She was always so easy to read. Even now.
I feel my gut clench painfully, my heart feeling like a heavy weight in my chest as my eyes slowly trail over her form. She looks so vulnerable now. So sad and alone. And I guess she is. Everyone has paired up, and she just stands there at the side, at a loss of what to do. For seconds...minutes maybe, before I see her eyes sparkle, but for all the wrong reasons. Rubbing at her eyes she walks off towards the front entrance without another word.
More tears make their way down my face, but I no longer bother to wipe them away. Instead I drop to my knees and wrap my arms around them tightly, hugging myself.
What was I thinking? What the hell did I do?
And I complained about feeling no connection, little over a week ago. I even thought that maybe trying this, maybe giving into this longing I had...that maybe when I lost myself, if even for a minute, I could shed this loneliness. But instead I made things worse.
I still don't feel connected.
And neither will Satsu anymore.