So before I get the inevitable comments, canon in this one shot is not accurate. It is theoretically pre-52, but the battle for the cowl never happened, because I found it bad writing and tremendously out of character, so Jason is already on better terms with the family. Furthermore I really like the current interactions Jay has with the bat family in the new 52 so his relationship is more akin to that. I am also fully cognizant of the fact that Talia never let Jason and Damian interact before Jason returned to Gotham. They do in this fic, get over it. Also I am aware that Tim adamantly refuses to go home when searching for Batman during the Red Robin series, but I am ignoring that. Who knows? If Damian really did have a secret as big as the one in this fic, maybe Tim really would go home. Why did I do this, I hear the annoying superfans ask? Because I'm the author and I can! Mwhahhahha! Also this fic is from Damian's point of view, so what Damian see's is both more insightful and less insightful (especially when info comes from Talia) then the view we get as comic book readers. Also if some one wants to write more of girl!Damian I would be for ever grateful, I think the character would be really fascinating if fleshed out, and the insecurities that Damian has would be a million times more interesting when amplified by societies issues with females.
Standard disclaimer applies.
Damian was not stupid, ever if mother hadn't warned that father favored his sons it was obvious from the beginning that it was better to be a boy then a girl. The way grandfather treated mother, the way father had dismissed mother, and mother even now strove for his attention. Even the way in which mother was dismissed time and time again, despite the power which she held. Clearly the feminine willies which mother so carefully cultivated were a complete waste of time. Power needed to be gained in other ways, and power was everything.
Which was why when Damian showed up at her father's house on her tenth birthday, her hair was cut short, and she wore the plain unisex outfit of all her mother's ninja. Practical. She had no use for her mother's dresses and heels. Some how among the confusion things were assumed. She just went with the assumptions. Her father wanted a son and so a son she would be.
Son's were useful, Jason's example showed her that. He was big and strong and powerful, and he did whatever he wanted. Sons were beloved, she learned when her mother did everything for a son that wasn't even hers. She learned again when she saw the cave and Jason's memorial case, If that's what it took for her father to see who she really was, she would be a son. To be a Robin, she would be a son.
But to be a brother was different she learned. The first time Jason, mad raving Jason, not the boy who took shelter with her under Mother's wings, saw her in the Robin outfit the rage in his eyes doubled. She managed to knock him out so he didn't let anything slip, but he still had to be confronted, which she did by breaking into his apartment in the middle of the night, slipping past his security measures and trying to pounce.
Unfortunately as per the first time she tried it when they were sixteen and six respectively, he pinned her and held her up by the scruff of her neck leaving her struggling and spitting like the cats she favored.
"Should have known you'd be visiting punk. Am I asking about your preferred pronoun or is Daddy dearest forcing his sick delusions on everyone else now?"
"If you tell, Todd, I'll rip out your throat!" Jason merely looked amused.
"So I take it B doesn't know then?"
"NO! and if you tell-"
"Does Dick know?"
"No and you can't tell him either." Damian crossed her arms across her chest and glared.
"Relax kid, I won't. I'm not mad at you either. I'm just glad B hasn't gone completely off the charts. But seriously what's the deal Dami?"
"Don't call me that Todd." Todd just raised an eyebrow, and waited for an answer. Eventually Damian caved.
"I want what Father has but he loves his sons better."
"Dami-" Todd started with a sigh.
"You're just as bad as Grayson! You say you hate father, but you both think he can do no wrong! You think I would be Robin if I was a girl? He never let Cassandra be Robin, as soon as she went slightly wrong, he exiled her to China, you've never even met her! He claims family is everything, but he's such a liar. He claims he love's mother but everything is secondary to his stupid quest, and she follows him, she follows you around like some lovesick puppy cause you're connected to father, and you still follow father around begging for his attention. All because he's the damn Bat. It's not fair! But someday when I'm the bat everyone will love me like that, and follow me around, and no one, not even grandfather will stop me, but I can never do that if I'm a girl! You don't even want me to be Robin!"
Todd was looking seriously down at her now, taking a moment to gather his thoughts.
"Dami, it's not that you're a girl, or even that's its you, I don't want any one to be Robin. I'm tired of child soldiers. After my death B didn't learn from his mistakes. I really don't care that you're a girl, you've met Starfire, you think I could even try to keep her out of the line of fire?"
"No," Damian replied petulantly.
"It won't make much difference to Dick either. Along with red heads our brother also falls for women who kick his ass on a regular basis. As for myself, I've been in love with an Amazonian since I was twelve, you think Donna gives the time of day to those who don't respect her?"
"No." Damian admitted petulantly.
"As for B, you might be right. All though I think his lack of long term relationships is less about sexism and more about a lack of understanding people in general. Women in particular might be particularly confusing to him, and B only bothers to investigate cases. Why we all keep trying is more of a mystery. Looking for love in all the wrong places, and all that jazz." Damian just stared; sometimes she swore her brothers spoke in riddles to confuse her, especially Drake.
"Right, no education in pop culture." Jay, ran a hand over his stubbly face. "Look kid go home, it's late, and I got things to do tomorrow. You should at least consider telling Dick, if not I promise I'll keep your secret."
Damian pulled herself up, wrapping the cape around herself like a bird settling its feathers.
"I suppose thanks are in order."
"Please, from you? I'd rather pull teeth. Get out of here brat." And with that she was shoved out the window.
And then Father died. She gave up everything for him, to try to be good, to be a bat, and then he went and he DIED! She hated him, she hated him so much. He left her all alone with Grayson, and she had to fight tooth and claw to take even Robin, from another one of her father's favored sons, she hadn't even been able to touch the bat. Not that she thought her dream would have been achieved so soon, but one could hope.
Except Grayson didn't see it that way, something about Robin being a gift, and learning to help. Why didn't he understand? He was the oldest he should have long ago learned how to keep that place and its power, how was he still alive? Jason understood. Jason had told her the streets were the same way, and girls had to fight twice as hard there too.
Except maybe it wasn't. Grayson loved everyone and everything so much and all the time. And he had everything she wanted to have someday. Maybe Jason was right about Grayson too, how she didn't have to hide from him.
Even Drake fought fair. Which infuriated her, she couldn't even make Drake fight dirty like when he fought grandfather. Her grandfather who paid more attention to Drake and considered Drake more worthy then her. She wanted to kill him, maybe then she'd be Grandfather's favorite. Maybe if she was a girl he wouldn't see her as such a threat, because as much as she wanted to kill him, she also wanted Drake to look at her the same way he looked at Dick and Jason. Like he worshipped them, trusted them.
Deep deep down where things lurked that Damian would never even admit to herself, Damian especially wanted Drake to look at her like he looked at Cassandra on the old fight footage. Like a partner, and a friend. So comfortable around each other, in each others space, like they really had grown up together. Damian wanted Drake to miss her when she was gone like he missed Cassandra. Damian wanted to stop fighting, she wanted a family, but she couldn't trust, not yet.
And more then anything Damian wanted to meet Cassandra. Brown was a simpleton, all right for a woman, but a simpleton, and Oracle didn't like her. Tt. Oracle was smart but only another jealous woman, defeated by her gender. Still pinning after Grayson, as if Gordon was even near good enough for her brother.
But Cassandra, she was smart, and talented, and no one ever challenged her, and she had learned how not to kill. Everyone respected her, even though she'd never been Robin, and as far as Damian knew, she'd never been caught up by useless boys. Damian wanted to be like Cassandra. But Cassandra for not being weak and simpering and bending to Father's will got sent to China. Gah! The injustice. Cassandra would have loved and accepted her, and she would never have to fight for power with Cassandra.
But Damian was ten, and though she was not stupid, she was not as smart as she thought she was either, and having Brothers is different, and her brothers were smart, very smart, and some of the best detectives in the world.
Which was why one night in the middle of a drill in the cave she found herself dangling from her ankle twenty feet over the floor, looking down at three upturned un-masked faces.
"Dami." Oh how she hated that tone. That was the I'm an older brother, and I love you sickly sweet tone. She wasn't a child, damn it Grayson. "Dami, sweetheart, we need to have a talk." She froze at the word sweetheart.
"You liar Todd! I'm going to kill you! I'll use your entrails for my artwork. I'll feed you to Titus. You oathbreaker, you, you-" She couldn't think of a word vile enough for him. She'd trusted him. She wanted to cry but crying was weakness, so she stayed angry instead.
"Stop spitting, brat. They figured it out on their own. Be glad I intervened and explained, otherwise Alfred would be passive aggressively leaving pamphlets about hormone treatments, and support groups all over the place."
"Dami." Oh no, Grayson sounded hurt now. "Dami, why didn't you tell us? I know you didn't trust us in the beginning, but you must now. We'll love you no matter who you are."
"Besides Demons don't have gender." Interjected Tim.
Jason smacked him on the back of the head.
"You are not helping Babybird."
"Please just explain, Dami." Grayson was wheedling now. "If you want to stay a boy I'll understand, but if you want to be a girl you should be safe here, to be whatever you want to be. Just tell me please."
"I-" Damian froze. Her first thought had been to tell Grayson it was none of his business, but she- what did she want?
She wanted to explain.
But that would be crazy, exposing all of her weak spots at once, utterly ridiculous.
"I want- I want for you to let me down."
"No can do, Baby Bat. Not until you talk." Todd replied, stopping Grayson from where he was going to cut the rope keeping her suspended in midair.
"Then I want you not to treat me any differently!" That was not what she had meant to say at all. "Grayson promise not to treat me any differently and then I'll tell you."
"I promise Dami. No matter what you want, you'll still be my kid."
"Then I want to be a girl! I want to be a girl, but when I'm Robin I want to be a boy! Now let me down!"
When Dick moved in for the hug, she let him.
"Welcome home, little sister."
She didn't sniff, she didn't.
The tabloids had a field day when she went out in public in a dress. They ranged from, Gay, to weird pedophilia theories, to support for transitioning. Damian took great pleasure, in just not explaining. No public statement, no answering questions at parties. Almost no one in the justice league knew their true identities, and apparently Clark Kent had x-ray vision, and had known all along, and polite country boy that he was, not pried. Wonder Women welcomed her to the sister hood and then kept talking over a problem with Dick, and that was it.
Eventually as is the case with all mysteries that are hard to solve, the world except for a select few forgot about it. She hadn't been in the public eye very long as a boy anyway, and her name really was Damian, although a great deal more people began to call her Dami.
And then Father came back.
He was just standing there bent over the computer, next to a ridiculously beaming Drake, looking as if he had never left. Father turned at her footsteps.
"Damian-" he began, and then paused.
She stood, on the last step, in an at ease position. Feet planted in her red converses as always, same black jacket with yellow stripes, hands clasped behind her back, chin tilted up to gaze at him. Exactly as when he had left, except for the thin red sparkly band in her still short hair, and neatly pressed yellow dress.
"Hello, Father." He said nothing, simply staring, and Damian made her way across the mats to stand in front of Drake. Glaring.
"What happened Drake? And Does Grayson know?"
"You look like your mother." Her father's rough voice cut across Drake as he opened his mouth. "Explain."
"I would think it would be fairly self-explanatory. I am her daughter."
"Daughter? I need to do a blood scan, this must be a drug-"
"YOU NEVER ASKED!" Damian's screech sent the bats flying, and Drake looked taken aback, he'd never heard her quite this loud before. Spitting mad yes, but furious no.
"You didn't want me! And you said I was your son! You take care of your sons! You love your sons! You even love Jason! Everyone loves your sons! Even mother and grandfather love your sons more then they love me! You let me stay because I'm your son, but I'm not! I'm your daughter I've always been your daughter! And Grayson doesn't care! He let's me be Robin, he thinks I'm good enough, and if you take that away from me and give it back to Drake I'll kill you!"
And with that rousing speech she turned and fled.
It was Alfred who found her hours later, the man not the cat, curled up in one of the attics with Titus. The attics were strictly off limits, so of course Jason knew all about them and had told her all about them. How she had gotten the dog up there would be a mystery for the ages.
Her face was buried in Titus's fur, arms wrapped around his neck, ever patient as he was. Miraculously her dress was still wrinkle and dust free.
"Miss Damian, I am aware that bats live in attics, but might I suggest a less hazardous hiding place?"
"No." She didn't sound petulant, she didn't.
Alfred creaked into a sitting position beside her.
"Did you know I've always wanted a granddaughter?"
"Why?" Definitely petulant that time, but Damian was honestly curious. No one else wanted one. "Don't you already have Cassandra?"
"I do but I could always use another. One who hasn't flown the nest yet."
"But you have the boys. Why would you want a girl? I don't understand."
"Do you not think that is precisely why I would want a girl?"
"You're not making any sense Pennyworth." But Alfred was pleased to note that Damian had uncurled a bit from around Titus and was leaning forward to hear what Alfred had to say.
"I have so many boys, too many boys sometimes, I always dreamed of some elegance some refinement, things that have been missing since your grandmother died, I thought if I had a granddaughter there might be some light in this house once again. Make no mistake each of the boys brought their own light in their own way, but a girl, that would truly be something to celebrate. I thought perhaps with Miss Cassandra, but alas by the time she came in to my care the boys had already dragged her into darkness."
"I don't know what your talking about Pennyworth, I am just at home in the darkness as any of my brothers, and I am certainly no beacon of light, like some fluttering faerie or unicorn."
"Of course not Miss Damian, but you are quite loud and demanding, and a Robin is always a symbol of hope, you certainly draw every eye. And might I just say, perhaps you are smidgeon more cultured then the morons that normally trump through my kitchen. Now please come down from there. The dirt will never come out from that dress."
And Damian went. After all, even she didn't disobey Alfred.
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