Title: School Pride
Author: Tora chan0814
Genre: Crossover/crack/humor
Characters/Pairings: Selim Bradley (Pride)
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: FMA is Arakawa's, HP is JKR's.
Summary: [FMAxHP] Little did poor Pride know that his hated Tutor was actually a witch. Selim goes to Hogwarts!
Notes: Spoilers for manga Volume 18! Some authors go from one-shots to chaptered fics. Me? I do the reverse. By the way, this has been mouldering on my computer for over a year.

No one was quite sure how—or why—it happened. He assumed that it was the result of some quick, shadowed (ignore the use of the pun) plotting done by his mother and his tutor, carried out before his father or Father could do anything about it.

Selim Bradley, less commonly known as Pride, was going to Hogwarts.

The homunculus, who had the perpetual appearance of an eleven year old, had received the green-inked letter, packed his bags, and been shifted through a odd, glowing portal before he was quite sure what was happening. Needless to say, he had never had quite such an unique experience in all of his many hundreds of years.

Pride had turned back to call out for an explanation, but Mrs. Bradley and Tutor were nowhere to be seen, leaving the youthful homunculus abandoned in a dingy looking old pub.

His shadow quivering dangerously around him, Pride cursed his tutor. How he hated that woman! The many times she had kept him indoors during battles when his shadowed help would have been greatly needed—and he couldn't kill her for sake of his cover, of course. And though he could detach his shadow and send it elsewhere, even to guard the great tunnel as far away as the northern Briggs, he could not do so unless he could concentrate. And concentrate he could not when Tutor was droning on about geography that he had helped to define, history that seemed like only yesterday to him, and battles that had been caused by him and his brothers and sister. Pride was positive that she had roped his mother into this foolish plan; Mrs. Bradley adored him far too much to send him away to a boarding school of all places.

Little did poor Pride know that his hated Tutor was actually a witch. She had arrived in Amestris through a series of complicated circumstances that were best left untouched, and, in her attempt to learn as much as possible about her strange, new home, ended up becoming a teacher. Through a number of coincidences and a great deal of good fortune, she ended up as a private tutor in the house of the Fuehrer President.

Tutor had had a finely honed 'magic sense' in the wizarding world, and after her translation into Amestris, developed an equally fine alchemic equivalent. She had immediately sensed the strong alchemical power residing within the two male Bradleys, but had determined that the elder (apparently speaking, of course) had given up a career in alchemy in favor of politics and that the younger (in visage) was simply that—too young.

Tutor had decided that that great alchemic power would translate nicely into magical energy should the barrier between the two worlds ever be breached again. With this in mind, she set to work on developing a portal, blissfully unaware of the nefarious scheming taking place beneath her feet.

It had been easy hooking in the aid of Mrs. Bradley, who had always had a soft spot for the mystical and magical, and who was unaware that her 'son' happened to be a walking, talking alchemical legend. Together, the two women made steady headway.

Finally, the portal (though not that of Truth) was complete.

Several test cats, a few owls exchanged with Dumbledore, a great deal of gold exchanging hands, and numerous long debates about the conversion of cenz to sickles later, Selim Bradley found himself with a room at the Leaky Cauldron and a ticket for Hogwarts.

"Ah, young Mr. Bradley, is it?" An old, toothless man shuffled forward, with a key in his hand and a grin on his face. 'Young Mr. Bradley' grimaced. This was only yet another reminder of why he despised the human race so. Though he knew that such filthy souls had gone into his Philosopher's Stone, at least he had never been forced to have direct contact with them. As 'Selim Bradley', he lived the sheltered life of the Fuehrer President's son, and Wrath's military personnel and his mother's friends had been perfectly respectable people (as far as humans went, of course).

"Yer up in Room 4," said the man, who had introduced himself as 'Tom' while Pride was wallowing in disgust. "Need help wit' yer bags?"

"I can handle them quite well myself, thank you very much," Pride sniffed. He wondered who Father would take his wrath (figuratively speaking, of course; not the homunculus, though Wrath would probably feel his name, too) out upon when he discovered his first and most loyal son's inexplicable absence at the most crucial of times. Tutor, he hoped.

"Oh, an' here's yer gold," Tom added, dropping a jangling sack into Pride's hand. "Missus Kreethy—" that was Tutor, Pride remembered "—had me hop over to Gringotts to exchange some money shed left for you. Nasty time I had getting those goblins to agree to exchange such odd currency. Missus Kreethy had to convince them that yer 'cenz' there were equivalent to those Japanese Muggle 'yens'. There you go now."

Then with a push on the shoulder—Pride struggled to contain a shiver—Tom guided the 'boy' towards a rickety staircase and vanished behind the bar.

Pride mounted the staircase, muttering violent thoughts under his breath. His shadow spread out, growing tendrils that looked suspiciously similar to clawed little hands. 'Selim' tugged open the money bag, and, to his (mild) surprise, saw a fairly large amount of money. Guess that Tutor (his shadow quivered) was good for something, after all.

Speaking of shadows, once he had gotten to his room and worked up the needed power of concentration, he should try and see if he could still send it to Amestris. (He didn't have high hopes, though; Tutor was evil like that.)

He reached the landing. Room 1 was on the right, Room 2, Room 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10… Where was Room 4? Oh wait, he had passed it. Trust Room 4 to be the only one where the door was painted the same color as the wallpaper. Talk about unlucky numbers!

Sighing dramatically, the elderly homunculus fumbled with the key and finally managed to get the door open. The room inside was simple (nothing compared to that within the Fuehrer's mansion, or even what Father had provided for him), but it sufficed. There was a plain four poster bed hung with dark green curtains, a small wooden desk with an accompanying chair, and a door that Selim assumed led to a washroom.

Setting his bags down on the bed, Selim took a seat at the desk to ponder the question that had been on his mind quite recently. What in the world was this 'Hogwarts' place, anyway?

A little digging over the next few hours quickly revealed his answer.

Hogwarts…was a wizarding school.

Somehow, despite having received the letter of acceptance, Pride had glossed over this very important piece of information. Perhaps, he realized belatedly, the glowing portal thingy should have tipped him off. But come on! he reasoned. I'm an ancient homunculus that defies all definitions of equivalent exchange and death. Things like that are normal! How was I supposed to know that it wasn't the Portal of Truth or something?

…Somewhere in Europe a certain evil Dark Lord perked up his ears at the mention of immortality and let loose an evil cackle.

…

"I'll ignore that," Pride declared, not appreciating wannabe-villains who interrupted his annoyed rants. He was happy that he was an ancient homunculus that defied all definitions of equivalent exchange and death, because if he had been a stubborn, narrow-minded human like the Flame Alchemist or Edward-san, he would have had a much more difficult time accepting this different reality than he was currently having. As it was, Pride was still having a bit of trouble accepting magic nonetheless. Conjuring he could accept, as well as transfiguration, as they both shared roots with alchemy, but levitation was just plain unnatural. Then he realized that he was in a valuable position to gather information for Father and promptly challenged the wizarding world to throw its weirdest in his direction.

A squishy, orange…something came literally through his door and rammed into his face. Okay, maybe that wasn't the best idea he had ever had.

As a glob of something that appeared to have come from the derrière of a cat oozed under the door, Pride decided that it might be a good decision to leave his room for the moment. He dug briefly though his trunk until he came up with his supply list (this time he noticed the HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY at the top).

Pride managed to make it down the stairs, though he had to dodge various unsavory objects the whole journey (once, something that Pride could have sworn was a midget shot narrowly past his left ear with a high-pitched shriek).

The poor homunculus emerged into the pub in time enough to allow for the yellow-greenish angel-winged slime that had been tailing to fly past him into the face of a small, red-haired girl who came spiraling out of the glowing green fireplace at just the wrong time.

She sputtered slightly before picking herself up off the floor and gingerly attempting to wipe off her face. The crowd of redheads that had been previously lingering around the fireplace clustered around the girl. One of them, a plump-looking matriarch, seemed to be asking the girl (who Pride assumed was her daughter) something. The girl appeared to be pointing in Pride's direction.

Uh oh.

After living with Lust for a couple hundred of years, Pride had learned that the saying, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," was actually an understatement. There was nothing comparable to the fury of a woman scorned. Or to the fury of any angry woman, to be precise.

And boy, did those two look angry! Hoping to compensate, Pride slapped on his best "I'm-so-cute-and-innocent-don't-you-just-want-to-cuddle-me-despite-the-fact-that-I'd-probably-kill-you-if-you-did!" look and prayed for the best.

"Um, I'm really sorry about that…. That stuff just came from nowhere and started to chase me around…hehehe…."

It worked perfectly. The woman, completely ignoring the suspicious overuse of ellipses, forgave him instantly, cooing, "Oh! You poor dear! That's horrible! Now, why don't we see if we can do anything about that!" Well, perhaps she ignored his continued punctuation use because of her own over usage of exclamation points. What? It was just a theory.

But this situation certainly made things easier. A malicious smile spread over Pride's face in the form of a sparkling ear-to-ear grin. If all wizards were this susceptible to his charms, 'Hogwarts' would be a piece of cake. He wouldn't even need to use his shadows as manipulation. Pride cackled evilly, carefully disguising it as a bubbly giggle.

A/N: Sorry for the lame ending. :( I wasn't entirely sure how to wrap it up. I do adore this premise and I absolutely love Selim/Pride, so don't be too surprised if you see more of this one day.