-After the sorting-

Draco: "Alright, first years. Shut the hell up, sit down, and watch out for things falling."

A Gryffindor first year: "Falling things!?" –is hit by a falling brick-

Draco: "Told you. Right, there's a few people you need to watch out for. They know who they are. Now they'll introduce themselves and explain why you need to stay the hell away."

Eci: -stands up- "Alrighty, my name's Eci Vulpes, I'm narcoleptic, and if any of you make fun of my name, hair or draw on me while I'm asleep, I swear to god. I'll feed you to Satan. My mother's a time traveller, my dad was a pirate, and both me and my brother are summoners in training."

Ravenclaw first year: "How can your dad be a pirate?! And where's your brother then!?"

Eci: "Time. Travel. Listen when I speak. Jesus. My brother got expelled for accidentally summoning Cthulu. He's in the lake."

Draco: "She means Cthulu's in the lake. Not her brother."

Eci: "I'M FUCKING SPEAK-" –falls asleep-

Draco: "well. That works."

Eci: "ING! …Why's my head hurt?"

Draco: "You were thinking too much. You hurt your lonely little brain cell."

Eci: -mad- "THAT'S IT! I'M CALLING ROBIN!" –pulls out phone-

Draco: "OH SHIT NO!"

Car: -engine roaring-

Draco: "YOU ARE KIDDING ME!!!"

First years: -scramble-

Wall: -falls down, and takes most of the roof and the entire Hufflepuff table with it-

Porsche: -appears through the smoke and rubble-

Eci: "DAMN RIGHT!" –falls asleep again-

Porsche: -door opens and a person falls out-

Eci: -wakes up- "for fucks sake Robin" –facepalm-

Draco: "ROBIN!!! Did you have to drive through the bloody wall!!! The School's bad enough already!"

Eci: "Not our fault you're a shitty headmaster."

Robin: "what…what wall?" –dazed-

Eci: "Robin, I doubt they need it, but explain to the pants-pissing-terrified first years why you're a bad influence. Savvy. SHIT! I SAID IT AGAIN!"

Robin: -stands up- "Urm…well I self harm, I do drugs I drink and have wild parties. Also I go through 3 girls a night so im a bit of a slag."

Hufflepuff first year: "LESBO!"

Robin: "BAD MISTAKE!" –cracking knuckles-

Draco: "Robin, no physical violence on the first night, please. Feel free to verbally and mentally abuse him, though."

Robin: "NO! but any questions?"

Slytherin first year: "Yeah. What's with the thongs in your belt?"

Another Slytherin first year: "And the girl in the back on the car…?"

Robin: "well the thongs belong to the girl and how they and she got on my person and in my car I have no idea" –grins-

Draco: "Sit down, Robin. And don't destroy any more of the school while you're doing it."

Part of the roof: -collapses on Robin's Porsche-

Robin: "SON OF A BITCH!"

Eci: "HOLY SHIT! THERE WAS SOMEONE IN THERE!"

Robin: "that's not what im worried about!!!!!" –running over to the car-

Eci: -drawing a small pentagram- "Well I care! For some reason.." –starts summoning-

A cute little devil: -appears-

Eci: "awwww!" –coughs- "I mean, go save that girl!"

Demon: -throws the rubble off the car and lifts the girl out-

Eci: "Goood demon!"

Demon: -eats the girls soul for payment-

Eci: -face falls- "Shit. Didn't think of the payment."

Draco: "Oh, very clever. Can't see iwhy/i your brother got expelled…"

Eci: "SHUT YOUR FACE, OLD MAN!"

Robin: "yeah Eci get him told!"

Draco: "BOTH OF YOU SIT THE FUCK DOWN!"

Eci: "Can't fucking make me!"

Monica: -walking in- "well I can make Robin sit down" –smiles- "I think my brother can deal with Eci"

Alex: "on the other hand, we icould/i just wait for her to fall asleep…"

Monica: "but that's not the case with Robin is it"

Alex: "Well yeah, but you aren't exactly terrified of talking to Robin are you?"

Monica: -shoves Alex towards Eci- "so then Robin" –grins- "sit. The. Hell. Down."

Alex: -rams into Eci and they both fall over-

Eci: "GAH!"

Alex: "SHITI'MSORRY!" –trying to stand up and failing-

Eci: -random pirate gibberish-

-back to Robin and Monica-

Robin: "or what?"

Monica: "or I'll ask you where you got those thongs from"

Robin: "oh shit" –tries shoving it down the nearest first years top-

First year: "I don't need my bra stuffing thanks very much"

Robin: "Oh yes you do mosquito bites for boobs"

Draco: -using the judge's gavel- "ORDER! ORDEERRR!!"

Kateri: "You still fail as much as when I taught you. Lol"

Draco: "What the hell, Kateri. You haven't bloody aged!?"

Kateri: "Anime character, mate. We idon't/i age. You know, you remind me of Hidan now." –trying not to laugh-

Robin: "you did not just actually say l-o-l did you old lady?"

Kateri: "OLD?! OOH! BITCH!" –pulling weapons out of her cloak-

Robin: -O.O- "OH SHIT!!"

Shizuma: "No attacking the students, missy!" –confiscates the weapons—

Eci: -has managed to stand up and get Alex to his feet- "AYE MATES! FIRE THE CANNONS!" –waving a sword around-

Alex: "Uhh… Where the hell did you get that sword from?"

Eci: "Eighth dimension was holding it for me. I have friends down there. Friends who won't eat peoples souls for payment of saving the same person."

Draco: "OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! GET TO THE COMMON ROOMS AND DON'T DESTROY THE BLOODY SCHOOL!"

Kateri: "You even isound/i like Hidan…"

Draco: "Are you fucking obsessed?!"

Kateri: "CHEEK!" –slaps Draco-

Draco: "OI! OOH!" –points wand at Kateri- "ITS ON BITCH!"

Kateri: "HA! BRILLIANT!" –pulls out two Tommy guns-

Eci: "Aaaalriighty… time to be going…"

Robin: "TO THE DORM!" –waves hands- "WHICH WAY IS IT!?"

Monica: -grabs Robin- "Come on, crazy."

Kateri: "HOSHIT!" –drops gun-

Draco: "HA! TAKE THIS, BITCH!"

Kateri: "HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANY OTHER INSULTS, YOU FLABBY SON OF A COW!"

Eci: "Wow. I like that teacher."

Kateri: -thumbs up- "Thanks mate!" –punching Draco in the face-

-In the Slytherin dorms-

Eci: "Well, that was… eventful.."

Robin: "yah….only kidding not on drugs" –grins-

Eci: "yeah like that's believable. Savvy. Goddamn"

Alex: -blushing-

Monica: -elbows her twin brother- "god stop blushing you twat"

Alex: "Screw you!" –even redder-

Robin: "Oi, my job."

Monica: "ROBIN!" –angry face- "can we have private words please" –drags her to one side-

Robin: "what?"

Monica: "I thought we agreed on a strictly need to know basis!"

First years: "Is every day like this? With the roof falling in, and sexual jokes, and fights between the teachers?"

Eci: "In a nutshell- Yes."

First year: "Ah. Any way to quit?"

Alex: "If there was, we'd have a much lower death rate."

First Year: "Oh. Shit."

Eci: "Oh, firsties, I wouldn't stand right there. That's where I summon guys. Well, demons. But you know."

First years: -jump out of the spot-

Eci: "Ha!" –points- "Gotcha! I can summon anywhere I want."

Robin: "first years out please were having a party and there WILL be drugs, alcohol and sex. And possibly all three at the same time. Don't want to blow your tiny little minds though do we" –grins-

Eci: "Can I invite Satan again!?"

Monica: "NO! Not after last time!"

First year: "Uh, what happened last time?"

Monica: "Well, first is obviously the fact that he iis/i Satan. The whole place got blown up and we all got third degree burns."

Eci: "That was bnot/b my fault! It was an accident that I summoned him anyway."

Alex: "yeah im backing Eci"

Robin: "yeah and im backing Monica and I count as ten people so go screw a fish." –middle finger-

Eci: "The entire legions of hell back me up, so go fuck a donkey!"

First years: -blank stare-

Robin: "I FUCKED THE ENTIRE LEGION OF HELL!!!! SO bYOU/b FUCK A DONKEY!!!"

Eci: "Dude!? What the fuck!?"

Robin: "It was a joke!" - -_- -

Eci: "Don't joke about that! You haven't bloody seen them! Friggin Satan is the best looking of the lot!"

Robin: "Okay, okay ill just stick to screwing Monni and the occasional girl"

Monica: "What was that last part, Robin?" –tapping foot-

Eci: "Woo, deep shit. Anyway, I'm inviting a demon. One of the better behaved ones." –wanders off-

Alex: "Is there such thing as a well behaved demon?"

Eci: -stops- "Good point.. They're only well behaved if you've got a contract with them.. And then they'll eat your soul at some point.."

Alex: "Right. If you're summoning, we should keep a first year here. Just in case."

Eci: "good call." –starts drawing summoning circle-

Robin: "THAT ONE!" –points-

Alex: "That's the headmaster's son…"

Scorpius: "Yeah, I AM the headmaster's son! You can't sacrifice me!"

Robin: "He'll be right"

Draco: -appears- "DON'T TOUCH MY SON!"

Kateri: "I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU, COWBAG!" –pounces and mauls Draco-

Scorpius: "AAHG! DAD!?"

A little demon: -jumps on Scorpius's back and chews on his head- "Graaw.."

Eci: "Don't worry! He's friendly! His name's Furfur!" –scratches behind Furfur's ears-

Robin: "sorry but what the fuck!"

Eci: "Don't shout at him! Honestly, he tore the last person who did that to pieces!"

Scorpius: "AAAAAHHH! GET IT OFF! AAAHH!" –bashing Furfur on the head-

Furfur: "GRAAAAGHH!" –steadily getting bigger-

Monica: -is secretly scared and grabs Robins hand- "it's getting bigger"

Robin: "I can see that babe, get behind me"

Eci: -pulls a whip from somewhere- "BAD DEMON! DOWN!" –cracks whip-

Furfur: -red eyes- "ROOOAAAR!" –lets go of Scorpius-

Eci: "Shiiiit…"

Furfur: -grins-

Alex+ Monica:-in perfect unison- "Fuuuck.."

Furfur: -pounces on Scorpius again and plays with his hair like a cat-

Eci: -stares-

Monica: "What did you do!?" –hiding behind Robin-

Eci: -clears throat- "Exactly as planned. I did all that to… show you all how great I am at controlling demons now. Yeah." –shifty eyes-

Robin: "Well at least that wasn't weird"

Monica: "Are you playing dumb or just didn't see what just happened?" –o_O-

Robin:"God! Calm down you giant strap-on"-cut off by Monica-

Monica: "Don't even ithink/i of making a sexual joke involving me"

Eci: "Ok girls, calm down"

Kateri + Draco: -still fighting, slowly wrecking the dorm-

Eci: -picks up Furfur, who's shrunk again- "Sorry guys, looks like the party's off. Instead, lets beat on some firsties." –grins-

Robin: "Nah, let's just gatecrash the Hufflepuff dorm!" –already halfway out the door-

Draco: -accidentally knocks Robin out-

Kateri: "Picking on my favourite students, are we?!" –pulls out a lead pipe- "Take this, BITCH!"

Monica: -to Eci- "You think Robin's okay?"

Eci: "Oh, she'll be fine. She's had worse." –pauses- "much worse"

Alex: "I'll carry her over to the Hufflepuff dorm. She'll have woken up by then. If we don't take her, she'll strangle us in our sleep" –sneaky eyes-

-outside Hufflepuff dorms-

Eci: "Forward, bitches!" –points-

Alex: -carrying Robin- "Oh, sure."

Furfur: -scaling the wall-

Monica: "To get in here, we have to be sneaky"

Eci: "Ha. Us, sneaky?"

Robin: -awake- "WHOWHATWHERE!?" –pauses- "Why's my head hurt?"

Monica: "Oh good. Robin, help us come up with a plan to sneak in"

Robin: -pounding on the door- "BRING OUT YER DEAD!"

Eci: "Well. That works so well. You know, I could probably open up a portal or a vortex or something. No guarantee it wouldn't kill us though."

Monica + Alex: -in unison- "Not after last time." –to each other- " STOP DOING THAT!"

Robin: "awwww. Monni's cute when she's angry" -^^-

Monica: -evil look- "YOU WHAT?"

Eci: "Huh. Guys, the door's sort of… open"

Alex: "So it is. When'd that happen?"

Furfur: -grinning from inside the common room-

Eci: "oh! Good Furfur! Who's a good demon!" –petting Furfur-

Robin: -peeks round the door- "Furfur's not a good demon. He's killed the lot by the looks of it."

Eci: -blank look-

Alex: "OKAY! Back to the common room before we get blamed"

Monica: "Great minds think alike, let's go!"

Robin: "LEG IT!"

Draco: -stood in the way- "GOTCHA!"

Eci: "OH SHIT!" –cuddling Furfur-

Alex: "Where's Kateri when you need her?!"

Draco: "Distracted by booze."

Robin: "Old man! You've got a black eye!"

Monica: "It's black!"

Robin: "No shit."

Draco: "YOU FUCKING WHAT!? I'M GONNA MURDER KATERI!"

Eci: "RUN!" –points and runs-

Furfur: -drops a smoke bomb at Draco's feet-

Draco: -chocking-

-back in the common room-

Robin: "PARTEY!"

Eci: "Somehow, I'd rather not attract the attention of the head."

Robin: "well I don't give a shit" –knocks back a beer-

Kateri: -unconscious on one of the sofa's-

Eci: -yawns- "I think I'll not banish Furfur back. I might try cursing someone again…"

Monica: "Pass me a beer, Robin" –please face-

Robin:"No" –evil grin-

Eci: -falls asleep on Alex-

Alex: -bright red-

Monica: "get a grip, Alex!"

Alex: "FUCK YOU!" –trying to put Eci on a sofa-

Robin: -already smashed- "Mooonicaaaaa…" –stupid grin-

Monica: -ugh no face-

Kateri: -wakes up- "Where the fuck am I?"

Robin: -Starts crying- "But Monica?"

Monica: "To bed with you, missy!"

Robin: "THAT'S MORE LIKE IT!"

Monica: "Single. Beds." –hand gestures-

Robin: "Still enough room."

Monica: "Still enough room in my head about those thongs."

Robin: -gets the message-