This is the English translation of 'Während du starbst' ~ one of my first one shots I ever wrote for SPN. I really hope you like it. Winchester monster hugs to Vonnie836, she translated the story for me ...can't thank you enough
You have to read her storys here... just awesome, especially 'never easy', one of my favorites
~s~
In your time of dying
How much longer? How much time will they give death and how much more time will they give you to escape from it? Hours, or just minutes?
"You can't leave me all by myself – we just started to be brothers again."
I see you lie here, the thin tube going down your throat, which supplies you with air, the waxen face, the eyes surrounded by dark smudges and sunk in. You lost weight, are only a shadow of your former self – an echo of the strength, which usually would radiate from you.
Our physical wounds are healed, but inside we are bleeding to death, dad and I, we see your silent suffering and we die with you – a little bit more every day.
'Can you hear me, Dean?'
I don't want to let you go, but would you have wanted this? God knows, I tried to save you, tried to help you find your way back, yet you seem to have gotten lost on your way.
I look into dad's eyes, meet his sad gaze and can see he knows it to, you left us, left your body, even though we kept hoping until the end…
Now I stand here and can't even cry when I have to say good bye to you, when usually I can't keep myself from doing so. Am I a bad person because of it?
Soon they will come…
I miss you already big brother, your laugh, you jokes, which mostly went at my expense, the loud music, which roared out of the loudspeakers of your baby and blasted our eardrums to kingdom come.
Without you it will never be the same.
I hear steps and know the moment is here.
My heart races – can you hear it, or feel it?
My hand in yours shakes; it shakes so much, hopes for a small sign of life in your fingers – yet in vain…
Day 1
...it is like any other – I get up, brush my teeth and try to calm my unruly hair – weeds, that's what you always called it.
I sit at the table and wait for it, you storming in with steaming coffee and a bag of grease dripping doughnuts…
But it stays quiet – the door stays closed.
Day 2
It has 24 hours too many – and each of them just hurts infinitely.
Day 3
It is like the others before – unbelievably lonely. At the time, when Jess died, I had you – now I have no one anymore.
Day 4
We bed you down into the moist earth – no fire, I believe you never liked the thought to end in flames and this time dad gave in, let me have my will.
With you, we buried a large part of ourselves; we will never be like before.
Day 5
I lie in the bed in the small motel room, which has been my involuntary home for the last few months.
I am alone, in every way. Today dad disappeared without a word – for all it seems forever.
Day 6
... would have best never existed.
Day 7
I don't know why, but finally I can cry again, only now it won't stop.
I can't control myself and my body, can't get enough air to breathe, lie curled up on the bed, the amulet in my hand.
The metal, now warm in my fingers, carries the signs of use, it corroded with time and the black leather band has been changed uncountable times by now. You hardly ever took it off, nothing could have shown me more clearly how much it meant to you, even if you never said it.
I couldn't let this part go with you. I blink wildly and still can hardly see either; too blurry is my gaze with tears of loneliness and loss.
My head is like it is completely empty, not able to form a clear thought. Only one thing I know without a doubt – I can't live without you – no matter what the cost…
~s~
Life leads one to many crossroads and not always is it clear, which way is the right one – many choose the easiest out of fear and insecurity, others out of greed the most promising, and a few choose out of love the small hidden path, which runs off to the side, ready to give everything to be able to use it.
~s~
End.