Colour Outside the Lines

T

Makai Goddess Ookami

Disclaimer: I only own a copy of the game Kingdom Hearts II, but if I did own the game... Well, Kairi and Sora wouldn't hook up, Naminé would die, and there would be a whole lot more Seifer. Erm, right, I only own a couple of dollars so no point in suing me.

Summary: Seifer never liked crayons, he always liked things neat and orderly. Yet, after rejection of the blandest terms he takes a red crayon and scribbles like crazy, not bothering to stay in the lines. One sided Seifer x Roxas.

Warnings: Mentions of suicide, drug use, underage drinking and self mutilation.

A/N: This hit me last night, and I just had to write it. I kind of got inspired by Nea Vanilla's fic The End of Every Story which is a kick ass Seifer x Roxas story. The rest of the inspiration came from crayons and old family photos. My brother hated colouring and sticking his fingers in paste. I could imagine Seifer being the same way. Anyway, read Nea Vanilla's fic AFTER you read this. And please review? Do I have to do my pouty face?

Oh, and it is Fuu who is telling the story. Who is she telling it too? Well, that's up for you to decide. ;)

To Mattie-Chan because he wanted an angst-y Seifer fic from me.

Seifer never liked crayons. Not in the same way the rest of the children did. I remember in Grade School how he never used to colour with the rest of us, He refused to do it, or took forever and did the best damn job anyone had ever seen if you could convince him to do it. He liked his pictures like he liked everything else- black and white, defined with no imperfections. Colouring was sloppy business because it was really easy to ruin an already perfect picture. Seifer hated doing it, and I don't think he ever even owned a set of crayons. It wasn't his thing, and he hated people forcing him to do it. Namely those stupid teachers who demanded bright and colouful hand made projects.

Now that I think about it, Seifer hated sticking his fingers in the paste too, but that's beside the point.

Like I said, Seifer liked things black and white, easily definable. When everyone thought Roxas had stolen those pictures that had made him a thief. Thieves are bad, so of course Seifer was against him. We are the Twilight Town Disciplinary Committee after all. It's not that he didn't want to believe Roxas was innocent, I think he did deep down, it's just that he couldn't. There had been no reason for anyone else to take them, so it would have thrown colour into the picture, overcomplicating it. Seifer's not slow or lazy, he just knows what he wants and simplicity is it.

That image that is Seifer is simple, but complicated. I always think of M.C. Escher's images, the optical illusions they cast out. Where you see one thing, but on closer inspection it's really another. Seifer's just like that. He sleeps in class and acts like he doesn't give a damn about his grades, but he's one of the smartest people I've ever met. At least school wise, he was, in any case. He wore decent, particle clothes but they always seemed to enhance or show off his already beautiful physical features. He used to pick fights with Hayner's group partly for sport, party to be noticed.

And when Seifer's around, everyone notices.

Adults always call him an "attractive young man" and the girls would always blush when they saw him in gym class during the swim unit, because he wouldn't have a shirt on. He's got that natural looking all year tan, sparking green eyes and feather soft blonde hair. His slightly muscular build and that oh-so sexy bad boy smirk. Girl or boy, student or teacher, it didn't matter, everyone noticed him. It got to him though, the lustful attention, and he used it for his advantage. I can't say I approved, but there was nothing I could do about it. He went from being that untouchable beauty to a quick fuck, no strings attached, something to blush about later on.

Seifer had a 'no-strings-attached' attitude with everything. He told me once that it was because he was afraid of commitment, and giving one person his all. It's not that he didn't date, he did, but whenever they said "I love you" he was gone. I get the feeling it would have been different if I or Rai said it, because we'd grown up together, friends till the end. Still, there was one person he was dying to hear those words from, whether he'd admit it or not. If he were here right now, he'd kill me for telling everyone, but it's the biggest part in this story.

That person was Roxas.

I'd known since junior high school about his crush but never said anything. It didn't bother me he liked boys, and it's not like he would have admitted it even if I did confront him about it. I'd seen those moment too long stares, the smirk that always played on his face with then blonde was around, the way he left the blonde off his potential to-do list (whether for creaming or sleeping with). I used to wonder why he never mentioned it, but the day I found out, it was the end of everything. I'd known Roxas had finally asked Olette out, I'd heard about it in the locker rooms, but when Seifer saw them holding his hands I knew. He'd had a defeated look on his face, like he wasn't even going to put up a fight.

That's when it hit me that Roxas hadn't been a potential fuck, but he genuinely liked the guy. He had been afraid of rejection, just as much as he was afraid of commitment. I guess seeing him with Olette mad him untouchable, made him seem straight. I don't think it occurred to Seifer Roxas could have been bisexual, but after that moment of seeming them together he just gave up. There was no point in pursuing him anymore, and that left him totally heart broken and he refused to admit it. He skipped the rest of school that day, and the teachers didn't even notice. I think Rai skipped too, because I didn't seem him either. I saw them later that night though.

Seifer had gotten completely wasted that night and his mother kicked him out, what she claimed was "for good this time". It didn't really surprise us because she had never been much of a mother, and there was no love lost between the two of them. I don't think she even realizes what happened to him even now. Anyway, it had been pouring down that night, so he was completely wet when he tapped on my window asking to be let in. He'd climbed three floors up the fire escape in his state because he didn't want my parents knowing he was over again. They hadn't really thought much of him anymore at that point.

When he tried to climb in my window he'd slip and fallen with a thud. I remember because my parents asked 'what the hell that sound was'. I'd lied and told them I tripped, and they believed my story, thankfully. They'd never have let me see Seifer, let alone talk to him again if they could have seen him like that. Deathly pale, soaking wet, reeking of alcohol, swaggering and looking like he was going to puke. Which he did, I might add. He spent a good half hour leaning over the toilet in my bathroom. I'd turned on my CD player to help drown the noise out. I didn't want my parents thinking it was me.

I had to help him strip because he was too clumsy to do it himself. His clothes hung off the curtain rod off my shower. They'd been hard to get up there because they were soaking wet and heavy as hell. I was amazed Seifer could walk in them as far as he did, not even counting the state he was in, puking once again. I can still see him, huddling over the toilet, naked. That's the most human I've ever seen anyone, and it's the most I've ever care to see. It was heart breaking, really. He was shivering so I found a blanket to wrap around him after I helped dry him off a bit. He had been jerky under my touch, and his skin had been like ice. If it had been uncomfortable for him, then he never mentioned it.

I'd made him hot chocolate and called Rai over to bring some clothes so he'd have something relatively warm to wear and not have to lay around naked. Rai had been annoyed because it was after ten and I'd woken him up. Still, he was tapping at my window in only a few minutes. He managed to slide in somewhat more gracefully then Seifer. He had banged his head, but at least he didn't fall. He had pulled the clothes out of a bag, to show me, but dropped the moment he saw Seifer. All annoyance had fled him when he saw the other male wrapped tightly in my blanket, huddled on my bathroom floor.

Rai had tried to help Seifer get dressed because he was half asleep, but it had been too awkward for the both of them. Seifer wasn't the easiest person to baby, and he sure as hell wouldn't let both of his best friends do it to him. He cussed out Rai, successfully getting the other male to quit, and crushing his feelings entirely in one foul swoop. Seifer flat out refused any help from that point on, and managed to get the slightly too big boxers and jeans on, but completely failed at getting the green shirt over his head. I think the movements had made him dizzy, but I never bothered to get that theory confirmed.

The shirt and pants had been dark in colour, and his normally tan skin looked oddly pale. An almost unearthly look on him. Despite his protests, I got his shirt on over his head, pulling it down to cover his cold back. I'd had my arms around him only for a moment and when he shuddered, I'd felt how week his body really was. I had been almost in his lap, crouching over him and he'd wrapped his arms around my waist. I shifted my weight, sitting, and let him press against me. I remember his heart beat, the erratic beating it had, and the surprising warmth in him.

He shuddered so I assumed it had been purely an attempt for more warmth. I fixed the blanket over his shoulders, and hugged him back. He was crying by then, the pathetic sobs shaking his body terribly. It was a side of Seifer Id' never seen before, and I wished I never had to see it again. Judging by the look Rai had on his face, I know he felt the same way. Seifer didn't cry, that's just the way it is. So feeling his sobbing body clinging to mine, I was at a loss for words. I hadn't even known I was crying at the time either until I tried to hum. It was hard to get the sound out, so I had to force it out.

Seifer had this song, well; it really was just a short set of notes that eventually repeated over and over again. I'd hum it now but it wouldn't matter because you wouldn't hear it. Besides, it was Seifer's song, something he choose who got to hear it. He never did tell me where he learned it, but for all I know he made it up himself. Either way, I knew it calmed him down, and it worked just like I knew it would when I sang it to him. Or maybe he realized crying wasn't getting him anywhere, the hell should I know? I just know he wasn't sobbing anymore at that point.

We sat there the whole night, me holding him and Rai talking lightly to keep the awkward silence at bay. Seifer finally fell asleep around two in the morning, and I left him on my bathroom floor, curled up in a ball to talk to Rai. We'd decided to hide all the sharp objects around, for fear he would do something stupid with them. Namely, self mutilation. We had been right, but we didn't find out for almost a month after he had started. It was so easy watching him sleeping there on the floor, and when my parents got up to go to work we kept quiet. The three of us skipped that day, but Seifer mostly slept. My parents were none the wiser.

At that point, we thought it was a one time only thing. Seifer would never get that wasted again. Uh-uh, no way. I don't think I'd ever been more wrong. He'd pulled it on us more then once, and we always helped him. It came to the point where I had a couple pairs of clothes over at my house for him to wear to not bother Rai (he hated this, he liked knowing when Seifer was in 'one of those moods' so he could help). We didn't really understand what was going on, only that he had scars running up both of his wrists, and his already short tempter was a hell of a lot shorter. I don't think either of us ever thought of turning down our help. He still was our best friend.

He started skipping school a lot after the first incident, and by Junior year he stopped showing up all together. He refused to tell me what he did all day, but we knew he'd gotten a job of some sort. He had to for that drug habit of his, one he thought he could hide from us. We found out, and we tried to get him a quit. He couldn't handle the withdrawal, and neither could me or Rai. His insane ragings from a lack-of-drug stupor left wounds I don't think we'd ever be able to heal. He wouldn't apologize for what he did, and then he ditched us. We thought he dropped off of the face of the planet until I ran into him one day at a book store.

He'd come clean, like so many of doubted was possible. I asked him why, but he just smiled and pressed his forehead to mine. It was comforting, and it was almost like having the old Seifer back again. He spent the rest of the day with me, having no real interest in seeing Rai. He couldn't, not after what he'd said and done. He was scared of the other male. He made me tell Rai he was sorry for everything, and told me he had moved in with his father. I promised to do so, and made him promise he'd meet me again after school. We never got the chance. We got to his place and his father was a mess.

He let us see, and the memory burned into my memory. Seifer slouched against the shower wall, razorblade at his side, blood all down his lap from his hands resting there, and slowly dripping down the drain. I'd gotten sick, puked right there on the carpet. If Seifer's father was annoyed, he didn't openly display it. I remember crying at that point, and Rai wrapped his arms around me. He had cried too. Because Seifer was our best friend, and we'd never see him again. His father told us he had mentioned something about making 'all ends meet' and that he'd done everything he'd set out to do. I realized he had met up with me to say goodbye that day, not to be with me. It hurt.

There are a lot of holes in the picture that is Seifer, ones that no one could colour in. We could try, but it would distort and ruin the image. Those were spots only Seifer himself could colour in. For a guy who liked things neat and clean, he sure made one hell of a mess out of his life.

For a guy who lived in black and white, that razorblade sure took the red and scribbled outside the lines.