A/N: Sorry. NOT! Don't own any characters.

CHAPTER 1

"Go away, weirdo!" The resounding splash of a slurpee on a face rang out in the mall food court. "I'm gonna call the cops on your creepazoid ass if you don't leave me alone!" Frustrated, lonely seafoam eyes peered out from a damp dripping curtain of red stained slurpee orange.

"Yeah, scram, scrub!" A muscle tee clad chest shoved him backward and he landed on his creepazoid ass, chains on his rave pants jingling and jangling. The boy heard a loud tearing and knew that only more embarrassment awaited him should he stand. So he remained on the food court tile, gazing longingly up at his track-light sillhouetted angel.

"Sasuke, take me home," Naruto whined. Sasuke picked up the Juicy Couture bag full of velour track combos in every shade of orange his boyfriend was able to bitch out of the store. Sasuke gave a grunt and took his lover's perfectly manicured hand in his, not sparing a last glance at the soaked, soggy scrubby Hot Topic LOSER.

"Mark me, mall food court," Gaara declared, "he will be panting at my army boot clad feet! So help me, Satan!"

NARUTO P.O.V.

OMG, what a freakazoid! I'm so glad big strong Studsuke was there to make sure he didn't drool all over my brand new Versace bag (but WHO WOULDN'T!). Right now, we're cruisin 90 in a school zone in Sasuke's souped up T-bird. Oh, he makes me so horny!- but now I'm BORED.

"Sasuke, let's go home!"

"Okay, ba-"

"I wanna go HOME!"

"You got it, sugar." We're now going 110 througgh somebody's yard, but FUCK THEM because I got a look at their dog, and it was severrrrrely unmanicured! Have they even HEARD of dog manicure technology? I scoff, as Sasuke reaches a wandering hand toward my velour encased unmentionables, and return the favor by sending over a wandering hand of my own to grip his dick in an iron maiden of PAIN.

"OW!" Sasuke wailed, screeching on the brakes.

"Drive faster!" I snapped authoritatively. "We're not even MOVING!"

"Sorry... wh-why'd you do that, baby?"

"Cuz I FELT LIKE IT!" I informed him. "And maybe I'm startin to FEEL LIKE IT AGAIN!"

I'm SO MAD. But, he floors it like a good boy and I'm in my driveway before I know it. We kiss on the hood of the car, strippin' down to our jockstraps, while my mom hoses us down in an attempt to break us apart, but she doesn't understand REAL love!

"Sasuke, come inside!" I whisper huskily. "We can lock my mom out..."

"That's not the only time you're gonna ask me to do that," Sasuke quips intelligently.

"Ew!" I shove his muscley muscles until he lands on his bubble butt. "You're gross! Gross! Mom, hose this grosshead off of our property!"

"But baby, I need you!"

"Oh, nevermind, mommy." I shove past her and she lands in the driveway. I hope she gets hit by a car and DIES. "We're gonna use your room!"

We walked upstairs, hand in hand, when suddenly my dad burst out of his office like a big dumb hermit crab out of a big dumb shell.

"Hi, sport!"

"EWWWW!" I clutch to Sasuke's bulging bicies. "Get away from me, crab!"

My dad doesn't say anything, I think he understands. He returns to his shell and lets us pass... maybe I won't shove him in the driveway today.

Once we get to my gorgeous room, I'm pushed up against my PB Teen Day Planner that's the size of the wall and have a velour encased boner rubbed up in my velour encased butt.

"Oooh, I'm gonna give it to you so hard," Sasuke growls in my ear. I shove him away with my back muscles.

"I'M BORED." I inform him. "YOU'RE BORING. GO AWAY, GET ME ANOTHER BOYFRIEND... NOW SASUKE!"

He appears hurt, but who cares, I have to show him who's boss. "NOW. Sasuke."

He leaves. He better be getting me another boyfriend, or we're BREAKING UP. I flop onto my flouncy, bouncy pinky bed and whip out my phone.

"999 new messages?" I squeal. "I'm KING OF THE WORLD!"

Nothing could go wrong!

... Right?