Time is a very funny thing. It's never what we really want or need. When we need it the most we don't have it and when we want it the least it's all we have. In my many years of living I have seen what time can do. It's quite depressing when one thinks about it. In this day and age when people try everything in their power to stay young and healthy, they go through painful surgeries just to try and look young; it's their way to fight the inevitable. I don't see why. Death comes to almost all of us. So why fight it?
I find it especially hard for those who only want death. They would love to know when death is coming for them, to feel death's icy hand on their shoulder it's their way of truly feeling alive. I have seen death only once, it was a long time ago, when I was first created. I know for a fact that death is a man, a very masochistic man. He's definitely not like death in the movies or like the depictions in art where he is the dark hooded figure with the scythe and a skull for a face.
Hostility rolled off him in waves. When he is determined nothing can stop him. He has long fingers and is perfect in the extreme. It's quite intimidating when you're not ready for it. He is very pale, strong and influential. He always seems to know what you're thinking the time of your death and is more than glad to bring it up when he's there. At least that's how he looked to me. When I think about it I'm someone's death.
I have also seen many people die. People who have claimed to have died say they saw a white light and heard heavenly voices. They say that they saw God on his throne inviting them through the gates of heaven. They were surrounded by their family and loved ones. Angelic choirs were singing the Hallelujah chorus. With the over whelming feeling of warmth. I don't believe it. To me it's all garbage. Scam artists.
My question is what about those of us who are damned to eternal hell? Do we see the white lights and all that other nonsense? Not saying that I don't believe in God, but I don't believe it. If we're damned what will we see? I think I will see nothing. I think I will here laughing. I think Satan will be laughing at all the souls he has stolen. Especially the ones that had really nothing to do with their damnation; I feel sorry for those like me; doomed to eternal cold. I think that's one of the only things that I'm really scared about. I pray for death, but I don't what to deal with the consequences of what I have done and of what I am.
God is something completely different for me. For as long as I have been around, I have come to know the many gods that people have invented or the many gods that they professed to follow. I think that the most of them follow Him or Her in a false manner. They say that their God is all about forgiveness or all about revenge or all about justice. If that is the case than my kind and I are completely screwed; well for the justice part. If he is completely forgiving than what is sin? Why is there sin if were all going to heaven? What's the point of sin than? Confused! They are all are simply confused.
The God I worshiped when I was able was a perfect and all loving God. He had passions and knew everything that he was supposed to. He is defiantly just and forgiving. He's perfect. I think that everything that we need to know is not in the bible; the bible is complete according to man. The bible is good; but means nothing to me now. To me now it's what man makes of it. But what is man? Man is nothing with out God. He is just another victim for me. He is just waiting for the inevitable. Death. And who are we to judge and decide what God is thinking? Sure I think that God has or will call someone who is a little more sensitive of what he wants. I guess that you could call him a prophet but I don't know. After all God is the same yesterday today and forever. He doesn't change.
Yes, I do believe in God. I bet your thinking that's a bit odd for someone like me. In all my many years walking among humanity I have come to the realization that there is a God. I did lose my faith and belief in him. But as I get older the more I believe that there is a God and that he is there. My beliefs in God are probably somewhat different than what most people believe. I believe that He is aware of everything that we do and that He wants the best for us. I can't help but feel that maybe God will be merciful with me. It's one of his characteristics is it not? Because I didn't choose this fate for me. It was thrust upon me; my humanity was stolen from me. For many years I tried everything in my power to explain and rationalize what I am. I can't. I just hope and pray to see my wife and child again. Although I think that's all in vain. What do you think?
Oh, dear me, I'm sorry. So sorry indeed; I am being extremely rude. I am ranting about everything that I am without telling you who and what I am -- like you all instinctively know what I am. I'll tell you what though; if you ever met me you would have an idea. To be near me must be terrifying, or so I have been told. Hostility seems to just roll of me, just like death for me. Of course my death and I are one in the same. I'm sure people think the same about me.
I was christened Mathias Langley; but as of now I go by Gavin Langley. I was born in London in the year of our Lord, fifteen hundred and sixty-three. The year in which we live now is two thousand and eight. For those who are good with arithmetic would know that I am over four hundred years old; four hundred and forty-five years old to be exact.
How did I get that old? Well sure as hell not by my choice. I was one of the first to arrive on this American continent. I was part of the lost colony of Roanoke. I know exactly what happened to it. So you see it's not really lost, it didn't really go anywhere but I can't tell a soul what really happened to it. If I do I will be shut in a mental institution faster than you could say well "mental institution". Then I would be in there for an eternity; I'm sure that they would believe me after a while but that's beside the point. I would probably then be locked in prison for all the murders that I have committed; and I have committed thousands.
Yes, I am a murderer. Not by choice but because I must. How else would I survive if I didn't? You see, I am a vampire. I am one of the eternally damned. I am actually one of the oldest in North America -- I make sure of that. There are not many on this continent. We have our boundaries. I make sure that I follow them and that my "friends" follow them as well. If not we destroy all that might endanger us and our lifestyle. I don't feel like being hunted. It hasn't happened for along time and I would like to keep it that way.
I know what you're thinking. Vampires don't exist. Well they do and I'm living proof. I know what you're thinking right now as well. If I really am I what I say I am, than I am a monster and that I should die.
Yes, I am a monster; but remember that I didn't choose this life. Plus, humanity has had its fair share of monsters that are not my kind, those who murder with as little remorse as I, but who do it for a different reason. I do it to survive. They do it to be cruel. They do it for power and respect. In my four hundred forty-five years of life I have not killed nearly as many people as Hitler or Stalin in such a short amount of time. Sure, I won't die if I don't eat, but it's extremely uncomfortable when I don't. If I don't feed I become far more dangerous. I procrastinate for as long as I can, but there are no guarantees.
I have never turned a soul into what I am. How could I damn someone to eternal hell? I have become the human blasphemy. That is a horrifying thought for me. I have done more research than any other of my kind of what I am and still haven't found the cure. I am beginning to think that there is no cure, that I'm doomed to live in this state of damnation until the second coming of Christ. Even if there is a cure I'm still going to hell. I'll just get there sooner that's all. My humanity what little there is left yearns for something different.
Yes, I'm still human; but not by much. I have lost most of my humanity. I don't know love anymore. Is that a bad thing? Especially for what I am. That person would be in constant danger of being murdered. Whatever, I think that true love is what separates humans from all other creatures. The fact that we can love or I used to be able to love is a powerful gift; a gift I will never have again, nor do I want again. The only real feeling next to hunger and the despising of myself is hatred. No real human could possibly compare or try and understand myself loathing. We have no compassion. I don't care about my pray. There are there to ease my hunger. Compassion for the living is a great tool in humanity. But as I get older I see a lack thereof. It's quite disturbing.
I hate myself and the rest of my kind. I have tried to avoid being what I am, I have tried to kill myself but cannot. I cannot bring myself to bring this last blasphemy upon myself. I am a selfish creature. I think only of myself. I am damned and yet I cannot rid the world of what I have become. Instead I feed and damn myself more and more. The only question that I have ever had is why God would let me live this life? To feast upon his children, to take the lives of mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters. Sometimes I think that I do indeed have a conscience, but then I get thirsty.
My cursed blood is actually a virus or a disease. I call it hemophilosis. It leaves me intact physically; I live, I breathe, my heart beats, but there is something in the blood that keeps me young. That is what I have not figured out yet. Why is the blood so important? What kind of sway does it have on a creature like me? Maybe if I could find the meaning behind the blood I could be able to find the cure. Maybe it's just a vain hope. I don't know.
When one is changed into what I am, one receives a few "gifts". My temperature runs at a chilly thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit. I don't feel the cold and unfortunately I don't feel the warmth either. I have not felt the sun on my face for many, many years. My speed and strength have tripled since I have become what I am. I was a farmer before I was a vampire, so I had strength before but even more so now. My muscles are more defined, so I don't look like a slob. The vampiric disease has made me better looking.
It seems to enhance the physical qualities. I am of medium build, about six-one, brown hair; my eyes were the color of jade before I changed. Now they are crimson. It used to freak me out when I was first changed, but other than that I'm a pretty good looking guy. I'm much better looking now than I was before I was a vampire. My hands have become freakishly big, and my fingers freakishly long. I think that is primarily used for hunting; but I really don't know. They are almost too big for the rest of my body.
I cast no shadow, but I do cast a reflection in the mirror. How that works I don't know. I cast no shadow for two reasons. One, it makes me a better hunter in all conditions; I can sneak behind someone without having to worry about my shadow giving me away. Two, the shadow and a reflection is supposed be the proof of a soul.
Now, why I have no shadow but can cast a reflection in the mirror confuses me. I am assuming though it's for the purpose of grooming. If I don't look my best how can I attract my prey?
Our bodies are in their perfect form. All the scars that we have ever had have disappeared. If we lost a limp in our past life it is brought back to us. If we lost our hair we have it back. It's amazing. I don't stink of course I can't sweat. We all have our own scents. Normally it's a neutral smell. It's nothing too pleasant but nothing too bad.
My eye sight and hearing have changed. They have become more like our friends of the animal kingdom. I can see miles away if I chose. I mean like if I was looking at you form say ten feet away. I see the blood running through veins. The veins will also stick out with my vision. The bigger the vein means more blood. I have an acute sense of hearing. I hear things that normally cannot be heard my humans. I can hear heartbeats. I can hear objects when I'm in full hunting mode. I can't explain how it sounds but I can actually here the lines and make out what the object is.
We as vampires have the ability to change ourselves in mist form. I don't know how it's done; but it makes it easier to get into people houses and slip under the crack of the door.
There are many myths of vampires. I need to clear them up before I can go on to my story and how I became what I am. I must say that I am very fond of crosses. I love them. I have lived in just about every country and lived on every continent there is (excluding Antarctica), and I have collected as many of the as I possibly could. My house is filled with them. The concept that the cross would cause any harm to me is completely foolish. Sure the concept of the cross for most religions is a holy symbol, but what if you meet an atheist who is a vampire? It would do nothing to him due to the fact that he believes in no such being as God. The same thing with a Jew, they don't believe in Christ, or for a Muslim, who believes in neither.
Then next is that we cannot go out into the sunlight. Again that is a myth. I love sunny days. The only problem is that if we go out into the sunlight that our skin gives us away. It's unnatural how pale I am. The only thing paler than me would be a corpse, plus my skin, it's translucent. How creepy is that? I walk into the sunlight and you would be able to see just about everything in my face.
There is the question about the stake. Does a stake kill a vampire? Well of course it does. Think about it, if you stab anything in the heart with a large, sharp piece of wood, it's going to die. Well, I guess if you're a zombie it won't kill you but I haven't met any zombies. Like I said vampires are human in a way. Our heart still beats all though we have died and have been reborn in this disease. We die just like all other things, well, except for natural causes. Well maybe natural causes for who we are. Like I said we can't die of old age. If we get hurt we have the ability to heal ourselves in a matter of seconds only if we have fresh blood in our systems. If we don't than it takes longer. Being in the sun slows our regeneration. Stakes may kill us but if one wants to do the job in the best way it would be by burning us to ash.
Does garlic affect me in any way shape or form? No. I understand that garlic had many uses in medicine when I was younger, but it never really did anything. The scent is ghastly for anybody. Lemons? Lemons have no affect on us at all either. In the German culture lemons were used to guard people from the undead. I think it was used because of the vitamin C that was contained in the citrus.
What I find funny, is out of all the myths about vampires, the one thing that we can't bear is the rose. The perfect hunter, the human blasphemy is scared of something as small and insignificant as the rose. As beautiful as they are we cannot near them. Alice was very fond of them.
Dogs, I hate dogs. All other animals in the animal kingdom will run at our presence, except for dogs. They have a superior scent they can smell us from about a hundred yards away. If they see us they will attack or alert their master if they have one. Dogs will act funny when we are near. Even if they loathe a person, they will do what they can to protect him or her. Usually it doesn't matter what kind of dog, but it seems to me that dogs that are completely black with the exception of a white dot on the forehead are especially sensitive to our kind. They will never back down no matter how powerful the vampire is. The older we get the stronger and more fearsome we become. Damn dogs just won't learn.
I think the next and last question would be if I live off blood. Yes, for the past four hundred years or so I have lived off the life source of living things. I live the life of a parasite. I post-pone my feeding for as long as I can. I hate to steal the life of a human being. Why don't I try to live off something else, like an animal? In a sense, their blood is not blood. With hemophilosis, the body can tell the difference between blood types. My body can't function with the ingestion of animal blood. So I can't go and hunt man's best friend for eternity. It just doesn't work that way. If I could do that, I would not think myself a monster.
I am prone to live near hospitals. I prey and feast upon the sick and helpless. Those that are about to die -- I steal them. They are going to meet their maker sooner rather than late, I just push it a long a little faster than what they appreciate.
Blood has quite a distinct scent to it. For you, it smells of salt and rust. For creatures like me, it reeks of what we desire the most. Once again a cruel joke has been played on me. I'm stuck with the scent of Alice as my craving. I mean that when I go and "hunt" my prey's blood smells of my wife. Perverse is it not? When a child is my victim, he or she smells of my sweet Isabella.
Cursed and disgusted because I can't stop myself or stop who I am. Perverse because I enjoy it so much, I have become very masochistic. Sometimes I will purposely hunt children to so that I may gain a glimpse of my little Isabella. I rob families of their children because of my pain. I am a monster.
Alice and Isabella, if I ever see you again I hope that you can forgive me of my blasphemies.