I was not even sure that this moment would ever come to pass and certainly not in this way. Of all the things that i couldn't foresee, this was perhaps on the top of my list. But it happened and in the blink of an eye I knew what it was going to mean for me.
I have always been a private person. Not because I have a different set of priorities, but because really, I never met anyone who would really understand me; how I felt; what I admired. The sole connection I ever made with the society I live in was through my appearance. It sounds vain if you don't know me, but this is the only thing that lets me ease in to what terrifies me the most. The other way around, trying to let people in, has always been so much harder. Over time, I have eventually learned to decipher outward appearances as a step to look into what lay within. That a person's eyes hold the window to their soul always sounded so cliché to me, but it was all I had in my arsenal. But when I laid my eyes on her, when I saw her, it was different; this was different. I felt something changing around me; the perceptions that held on to me suddenly redefined themselves in a fraction of a second. She was different. She had a pull I couldn't deny, something that pulled me right in. The moment soon was overpowered by a strange sense of belonging, but I had to resist. I could not have opened up to her in that instant, because that would have driven her away. The ever surmounting fear that if I talked to her, she would eventually drive away just like the others and fade before I even got the chance to know her was there, it was. But this was a risk I had to take. I had to talk to her for the sake of my sanity and sanguinity. There was a pull in those eyes I could not deny, a heart dedicated and determined, sincere and genuine. To know her would be one of those lasting experiences that stitch you back together if you ever fall.
She was desperate and in dismay, bubbling in frustration perhaps when I saw her first. She didn't know I was looking at her until I decided to help her because all I wanted to see in that moment was one smile on her face. When her eyes first rested on mine, she scanned me as if looking for smoke. In the fraction of moment that came next, those eyes melted fleetingly, as if wanting to open to let me in. As if they knew who I was, what I might have gone through all my life, what my heart always wanted and without a shred of judgment letting me know that I could have good in my life again. No matter how miniscule that window was, it was enough for me to keep putting my efforts into sync because this was rare. I was used to being judged, used to being called names that were just a prettier way to mock me, but this, this sincerity was not something I found this often. In fact something about it that it wasn't what I had come across ever. How can I even feel all this in one fragment of moment was beyond my rational mind, but it was all there and I couldn't wait to know her more.
But before I could let myself sail in, a disarray of emotions took over and she put her walls back up and I was left stranded on the shore having just a momentarily relief of escape. I felt the dejection set in my heart, but I shoved it away to the corner because, looking at her was more important, knowing that this fraction of moment could still exist was important. She went all up and lodged herself into a conversation that took me aback because that was not where my mind went. She could see the turmoil on my face, but I decided to let it go and when she left, I felt a sense of being torn apart from something that wasn't even mine. I knew I couldn't leave all this like that. I had to meet her again. I had to see those eyes again. Of all the hopes that lit up in my heart in that one moment when I laid eyes upon her, this tiny little possibility bubbling in my heart that she might mean the most to me in the days to come was overwhelming and all consuming.