2 am and I was still awake. This has become my norm. I was sitting in my room staring out the window watching the rain. There was a huge storm. The kind where thunder shook your house while lightning lit it up and you could hear the rain on the roof. Nights like this I thought of him. Even more than I typically did.
Every time there was a storm we'd be on the bed cuddling my head on his chest his hand in my hair our legs tangled talking or watching a movie if the weather allowed. Those nights gave me some of my favorite memories. When it was just me and him with the world locked out.
With every clash of thunder I felt my heart getting heavy in my chest. I used to love thunder storms they were my favorite now they were just a cruel reminder of what used to be.
He was my best friend, my rock and my soul mate. He was the only person who never judged me who never made fun of me, the only one to accept me 100% how i was without trying to change me. I used to think love was an impossible thing for me. Love just doesn't happen for the awkward outsider it's just not meant to be. But he showed me I was wrong. He loved me with everything he had it would take my breath away. The way he looked at me you can't describe he'd have such a look of love and adoration on his face it'd make me want to cry. He broke down every wall I had he taught me how to love, he taught me it's okay to be yourself and not care what anyone thought. He made me comfortable in my skin he was the first and only guy i ever trusted, he was the only one i gave myself to in every way possible. He was the only person i've ever met where i couldn't picture my life without him. He became my everything, i'd lose anything and everything just to see a smile on his beautiful face. The way his dimples would pop out was the cutest thing I've ever seen. His blue eyes would light up and you couldn't help but smile back. For the first time in my life i felt safe cared about and protected. He gave me so much more than I could have ever imagined.
He was supposed to be my husband. We talked about it so many times. We talked about how our wedding would look, how many kids we wanted, the type of house we wanted. He made me excited about the future and knowing he felt the same made me unbelievable happy. He should be here today but things don't always work out how you plan.
I know it's my fault. We got into a fight because of my insecurity..always my insecurity. He had come home late and completely ignored me texting away on his phone. He hated technology so i got too interested in who was on the other side. When he didn't answer me after I asked numerous times I jumped to conclusions..I screamed at him that he was texting his whores and maybe he should just go lay in their bed. He wasn't the type of guy to cheat or do you wrong if he didn't want you he'd leave. simple. I knew it was a stupid thing to say but I knew it'd get a reaction..
I remember seeing how mad he was his face was red and i knew i done it this time he started screaming after all this time together how could i still not trust him? He threw his phone across the room to me yelling at me to read his text messages. Can you imagine how big of an idiot i felt when i read it seeing how he was trying to get an engagement ring picked out for me. I've never felt more dumb in my life.
I tried to apologize but he had had enough this time. He stormed out without so much as a goodbye. "Guess he's walking out of my life like everyone else" I thought as I broke down. If i lost him i lost everything I didn't know how i would live without him he was the best part of me no matter what he was my other half and I needed him. But i couldn't even call him his cell phone was still in my hands. I cried and cried for hours wondering if this was really it for us.
When it hit 2 am my cell started ringing i looked down and saw a number i didn't recognize. I decided to go against my usual routine and answer it. I heard his angelic rough voice on the other end. He was letting me know he was okay and he was on his way home. He was so mad at me but still called because he knew i'd be worried...perfect isn't he?
It hit 230 then 3 then 315 and i started worrying. Just as i was about to hit call back on my cell to try to reach him on that number my door bell rang. My heart dropped to my stomach as i swallowed the lump in my throat I had no idea what was going to happen with him but at least he came home.
I opened the door but it wasn't him standing there it was a police officer. He told me a drunk driver ran through the intersection and t boned his car...he was gone he apologized and left as if he didn't just change my life.
The only reason i made it this far in life was gone.. Who was i going to wake up to? Who was I going to kiss good night? Who was i going to cook for? He was gone. My whole life changed. I was now going to be living alone, my future i planned was gone, i had no one to turn to. Who do you turn to in this situation? Your best friend. He was mine..he was my person and i lost him because i was insecure.. If i would have kept my mouth shut he wouldn't have stormed out. The love of my life had died and i was to blame.
I remember everything so clearly i remember the news reporting one dead in a accident i remember reading "Jon Good" all over the news, the papers, the internet, everything. I remember collapsing at his casket because it was real and he was gone. I felt so empty and numb I'd give anything to see his icy blue eyes light up again, to hear his laugh, his random singing, to see him dancing around, to hear his random impressions, to feel his arms wrap around me but I never would feel that again.
That was 1 year ago and I still cry myself to sleep every night. I haven't done anything since his death. His friends are the only reason i have a place to stay they paid to keep my house and let me live here free. I feel like such a burden. Every night i go to sleep with hope i will wake up to his face and every morning i wake up alone feeling like a knife just stabbed me right through my heart.. I miss him.
I don't want to be without him I want to join him...and that's exactly what i'm going to do tonight.
Whoever finds me I'm sorry you had to see this but please try to understand he was my everything and when you lose everything you're left with nothing and can no longer carry on. I get to see my love again. Don't cry for me smile because I finally get to be with him again after 1 year of waiting it's time. I love you call and this is my goodbye.