"Master, I was trying to-" Obi-Wan Kenobi began.
"And that is why you failed," Qui-Gon Jinn said softly. "There is no try. Every time you try, you fail. You can't try to do anything, because you won't make it. You should know that by now."
"I wanted to show you that I could do this," Obi-Wan whispered. The fifteen-year-old bowed his head to hide the tears of shame threatening to spill out of his eyes.
Qui-Gon sighed. "Padawan, you can do this. It's a preparation test for the trials you must face to become a Jedi Knight. I've seen you do harder things."
Obi-Wan sulked. "Yeah, things that were harder physically and things that were harder mentally, never both at the same time." He moaned a little. "I just can't seem to keep anything floating for more than ten seconds while that thing is shooting at me. Either that or I can't seem to defend myself while I'm keeping these things in the air. It must be impossible or something."
"Other Jedi have done it. You can too. You just need to get out of that mindset, Padawan. You CAN do it, you just don't think you can. Thus, you try. Thus, you fail," Qui-Gon lectured. He looked at the boy, who gazed back with a look of exhausted defeat in his eyes. Qui-Gon let out a small sigh. "We'll come back to this later. Right now, let's go back and get something to eat and a hot shower, okay?"
Obi-Wan nodded gratefully, and they headed back to the Temple together.
Why didn't I say what I was thinking then? 25-year-old Obi-Wan questioned himself miserably. Why didn't I thank him for letting me go back, when I know he could have kept me going longer? Why didn't I thank him for all the little things that he did for me? He sacrificed his needs for mine so many times…
"Obi-Wan? What's wrong?" Qui-Gon asked.
"Hmmm? Oh, nothing. I'm just a little tired, that's all," Obi-Wan answered sleepily.
"Do you need to stop for the night?" his master questioned him.
"No, you need to get there on time. I can keep going," Obi-Wan said with a yawn. "I know this diplomat is a cranky type of guy. If we're late, none of this is going to work out. I can make it to there in time for your big meeting, as long as I don't need to attend it." He smiled a little, as much as he decided he wanted to spare the effort for.
Qui-Gon stopped after a few blocks. "Come on, Padawan. We're going in here."
Obi-Wan was confused. "But this isn't the hotel we need," he protested.
"No, this is the hotel we need," Qui-Gon answered sternly, shaking his head. "Come on."
Too tired to argue further, Obi-Wan followed his master into the building, where Qui-Gon bought them a room with most of the scarce credits he owned.
The negotiations the next day went, as Obi-Wan had predicted, downhill like a fat bantha out of control. They didn't get what they needed at all, and the Jedi had to send another representative to re-negotiate later that month. But Qui-Gon didn't seem to think he'd done the wrong thing, not at all. In fact, he thought that what he'd done had been the better thing to do, although Obi-Wan disagreed with him vehemently until the day he… Well, anyway, the point was that he had sacrificed what he needed for what he knew Obi-Wan needed, no matter what the cost to himself. And Obi-Wan never bothered to thank him for it. You idiot. Idiot isn't the word for it. You had so many chances, and you didn't say a thing. Now it's too late. Your master is gone and he's not coming back. You blew it, stupid… Tears rose up in his eyes and spilled over, as they had so many times in the past few days. Obi-Wan let them fall; they didn't hurt him and they sort of made him feel better, in a way. Everything was falling apart. Why couldn't things be easier? Why couldn't Qui-Gon be here with him, celebrating his passing from Padawan to Jedi Knight with everyone else? Just a few days ago, he was so honored because his master thought him ready to face the trials which would confirm his skills. What did it all mean now that he was gone? Obi-Wan would have to cut off his own braid, instead of having Qui-Gon do it for him. And the worst part was, he couldn't attend the ceremony which was to give Obi-Wan a chance to say everything he wanted to say to his master. Obi-Wan had planned to tell him everything then, when he had the perfect opportunity. Then, without warning, that opportunity was taken out from under him, and he was left trying to swim somewhere he never even thought of, much less planned for. There was so much to say, and there was so much Qui-Gon needed to know, so much Obi-Wan had to tell him about what he meant to him. And now his master would never know. Never know how he had saved his Padawan's life simply by being supportive when Reeft had died, never know just how much Obi-Wan valued having someone he could talk to about anything that bothered him without worry, never know what he'd done for that poor 12-year-old who just wanted to be his ally, and never know how much Obi-Wan loved him. He knew what some people had thought of that, how they had thought he and his master had something else going on, but he knew they were gravely mistaken. No, Qui-Gon was his father, his brother, his best friend and his grandfather all rolled up into one man. And he'd never know that, all because Obi-Wan didn't ever bother to tell him.
Obi-Wan groaned. How could he have been so stupid? Now he had all the time in the world to say something, and nobody to tell. Nobody but Anakin, and that wouldn't do anything for Qui-Gon. So what was he going to do?
"Master, what do you want me to do? I have so much to say to you! And I just can't tell you like this!" he shouted through his tears.
The last thing he heard before he finally fell asleep told him everything he needed to know in just 3 simple words, resonating through his head in his master's voice. I know, Padawan.
~Fin~
"And that is why you failed," Qui-Gon Jinn said softly. "There is no try. Every time you try, you fail. You can't try to do anything, because you won't make it. You should know that by now."
"I wanted to show you that I could do this," Obi-Wan whispered. The fifteen-year-old bowed his head to hide the tears of shame threatening to spill out of his eyes.
Qui-Gon sighed. "Padawan, you can do this. It's a preparation test for the trials you must face to become a Jedi Knight. I've seen you do harder things."
Obi-Wan sulked. "Yeah, things that were harder physically and things that were harder mentally, never both at the same time." He moaned a little. "I just can't seem to keep anything floating for more than ten seconds while that thing is shooting at me. Either that or I can't seem to defend myself while I'm keeping these things in the air. It must be impossible or something."
"Other Jedi have done it. You can too. You just need to get out of that mindset, Padawan. You CAN do it, you just don't think you can. Thus, you try. Thus, you fail," Qui-Gon lectured. He looked at the boy, who gazed back with a look of exhausted defeat in his eyes. Qui-Gon let out a small sigh. "We'll come back to this later. Right now, let's go back and get something to eat and a hot shower, okay?"
Obi-Wan nodded gratefully, and they headed back to the Temple together.
Why didn't I say what I was thinking then? 25-year-old Obi-Wan questioned himself miserably. Why didn't I thank him for letting me go back, when I know he could have kept me going longer? Why didn't I thank him for all the little things that he did for me? He sacrificed his needs for mine so many times…
"Obi-Wan? What's wrong?" Qui-Gon asked.
"Hmmm? Oh, nothing. I'm just a little tired, that's all," Obi-Wan answered sleepily.
"Do you need to stop for the night?" his master questioned him.
"No, you need to get there on time. I can keep going," Obi-Wan said with a yawn. "I know this diplomat is a cranky type of guy. If we're late, none of this is going to work out. I can make it to there in time for your big meeting, as long as I don't need to attend it." He smiled a little, as much as he decided he wanted to spare the effort for.
Qui-Gon stopped after a few blocks. "Come on, Padawan. We're going in here."
Obi-Wan was confused. "But this isn't the hotel we need," he protested.
"No, this is the hotel we need," Qui-Gon answered sternly, shaking his head. "Come on."
Too tired to argue further, Obi-Wan followed his master into the building, where Qui-Gon bought them a room with most of the scarce credits he owned.
The negotiations the next day went, as Obi-Wan had predicted, downhill like a fat bantha out of control. They didn't get what they needed at all, and the Jedi had to send another representative to re-negotiate later that month. But Qui-Gon didn't seem to think he'd done the wrong thing, not at all. In fact, he thought that what he'd done had been the better thing to do, although Obi-Wan disagreed with him vehemently until the day he… Well, anyway, the point was that he had sacrificed what he needed for what he knew Obi-Wan needed, no matter what the cost to himself. And Obi-Wan never bothered to thank him for it. You idiot. Idiot isn't the word for it. You had so many chances, and you didn't say a thing. Now it's too late. Your master is gone and he's not coming back. You blew it, stupid… Tears rose up in his eyes and spilled over, as they had so many times in the past few days. Obi-Wan let them fall; they didn't hurt him and they sort of made him feel better, in a way. Everything was falling apart. Why couldn't things be easier? Why couldn't Qui-Gon be here with him, celebrating his passing from Padawan to Jedi Knight with everyone else? Just a few days ago, he was so honored because his master thought him ready to face the trials which would confirm his skills. What did it all mean now that he was gone? Obi-Wan would have to cut off his own braid, instead of having Qui-Gon do it for him. And the worst part was, he couldn't attend the ceremony which was to give Obi-Wan a chance to say everything he wanted to say to his master. Obi-Wan had planned to tell him everything then, when he had the perfect opportunity. Then, without warning, that opportunity was taken out from under him, and he was left trying to swim somewhere he never even thought of, much less planned for. There was so much to say, and there was so much Qui-Gon needed to know, so much Obi-Wan had to tell him about what he meant to him. And now his master would never know. Never know how he had saved his Padawan's life simply by being supportive when Reeft had died, never know just how much Obi-Wan valued having someone he could talk to about anything that bothered him without worry, never know what he'd done for that poor 12-year-old who just wanted to be his ally, and never know how much Obi-Wan loved him. He knew what some people had thought of that, how they had thought he and his master had something else going on, but he knew they were gravely mistaken. No, Qui-Gon was his father, his brother, his best friend and his grandfather all rolled up into one man. And he'd never know that, all because Obi-Wan didn't ever bother to tell him.
Obi-Wan groaned. How could he have been so stupid? Now he had all the time in the world to say something, and nobody to tell. Nobody but Anakin, and that wouldn't do anything for Qui-Gon. So what was he going to do?
"Master, what do you want me to do? I have so much to say to you! And I just can't tell you like this!" he shouted through his tears.
The last thing he heard before he finally fell asleep told him everything he needed to know in just 3 simple words, resonating through his head in his master's voice. I know, Padawan.
~Fin~