Being Watched 2
By Otakuusa
Original story by XDXP
Author's Notes:
Oh XDXP, how I LOVE YOU!!!! This is the sequel to XDXP's 'Being Watched.' Although I've taken a more… humorous spin on the story! As my long time readers know serious-ness isn't exactly my strong suit…
So it's a crackfic now!!!
Ciao, AND R&R AND READ THE ORIGINAL STORY BY XDXP!!!
Otaku-han
.~.
The air was sticky.
The air was sticky and hot.
The air was sticky and hot and terrible.
And Himura Battousai was going to KILL the air.
But no matter how ferociously hard he swung his katana, the air just wouldn't die. He was quite angry with himself. How could the most feared man in all of Meiji be defeated by something so simple as air?!
Then it occurred to him exactly what he was doing. He put his hand to his unusually hairless chin in contemplation and contemplated. Odd how it didn't exactly happen in that order.
"If I kill the air," He said to no one in particular. "Then I will have killed one of nearly everything on earth! I will be the conqueror!"
He laughed maniacally, causing several innocent passersby (who-shall-not-be-named) to stare. Feeling himself being watched, and being the schizophrenic assassin he was, he began several tactical maneuvers. He had created these moves in order to distract from any attention that he may attract, by creating large disturbances and angry mobs. After all, no one was supposed to know of his ulterior plans to rule the universe. The Ishin Shishi was his main cover up…
"Tactical Maneuver Number One!" He yelled, and ran up to one of the innocent passers by mentioned earlier. This one happened to be a small child. She had inky black hair and big blue eyes.
"She farted!" Himura screamed, pointing to the child. "Farted farted farted!"
The child began to cry, and WHACK! A woman hit Himura with her purse.
Himura began crying uncharacteristically. "HOW?!" He screamed up at the heavens. "HOW COULD THE LEGENDARY HITOKIRI BATTOUSAI BE DEFEATED BY A WOMAN AND HER HANDBAG?!"
The heavens laughed and attempted to blast Himura with balls of lightning and wrapping paper. Wrapping paper had not officially been invented yet, and therefore was as formidable as the lightning.
Suddenly there was a semi-blinding flash of light. Himura shielded his eyes dramatically, and the innocent passersby screamed and ran around in circles. When the light subsided, standing in its wake was an enormous leprechaun.
"Himura Battousai." Crowed the monstrous short person. "I am here to avenge my kin."
Himura frowned. Had he killed any leprechauns lately? Well, he didn't have to worry for long, because behind a billowing cape came… the mighty…
KATSURA KOGORO!!!
And with one mighty wave of his enormous pink sword, the leprechaun was vanquished to another dimension. And then as quickly as he had come, Katsura disappeared.
By now, there was a large crowd gathering, much larger than when Himura had initially begun screaming. He decided it was wise to skip tactical maneuver number two and move straight to number three. After all, number two had been to summon a giant leprechaun and vanquish it with a pink sword…
So the great Battousai began to dance.
He began slowly, subtly, and he raised both his hands up into the air. The crowd was immediately silenced, waiting for what was to come. And to an imaginary beat that solely existed in his mind, he began to shake his hips. He bowed his head and pointed to his ring finger, moving his feet back and forth rhythmically.
When he finished, the crowd burst into applause. Himura took a deep bow. And then another. And then one more. Finally he skipped happily into the depths of the Kohagiya inn, singing all the way.
In the doorway, Saitou Hajime smirked, happy to be finally collecting more data on his nemesis. A petite man materialized next to him.
"Why so happy, Saitou-sama?" He asked, leaning against the doorframe adjacent to Saitou.
"Oh shut up and go away Okita." Saitou snapped. Okita smiled brightly, running into the street and just narrowly avoiding being hit by several carriages.
"Saitou wasn't nearly so cruel to me today!" Okita thought as he ran, brushing a few tears of happiness from his eyes. "Perhaps he loves me after all!"
.~.
Inside the Kohagiya inn, Katsura, having been returned to his natural size, was scolding Himura.
"How could you be so careless?" He said appraisingly. "Dancing on a public street corner! What if you had been recognized?" Clearly he didn't remember the giant leprechaun and pink sword incident.
Himura turned his cold, hard gaze on his commander. Katsura stared back, equally frighteningly. Soon, it had turned into an all out staring contest.
Ten minutes passed. Both men had begun wheezing and crying, each having blinked several times, but neither wanting to admit it to the other. When Katsura blinked again, Himura stood and blinked several times in utter triumph.
"Ah ha!" He yelled, pointing a large-yet-small-in-a-cartoon-way finger at his commander. "And now I get out of chores for the next week."
Katsura stood dizzily from the strain of sitting for ten minutes straight. "That wasn't part of our agreement!"
Himura stuck his tongue out, and received a resounding smack from the sheath of Katsura's sword. Then Himura lashed out and aimed to hit his commander with the butt of his palm, but missed. Soon, the squibble had turned into an all out catfight.
Drawn to the room by the sounds of pain, Ishiro Oji poked his head into the room. This would have normally been a gesture on the grounds for punishment, as he had most certainly not knocked before entering. But Katsura and Himura were obviously preoccupied, and went several minutes without realizing they were being watched. They simultaneously whirled around to see Oji laughing behind his hands. Their eyes widened.
"All the single ladies?" Asked Katsura in a squeakily lilting voice.
"All the single ladies." Himura agreed.
They began to rock side to side on the balls of their feet, heads down, with one finger pointing to their other hand.
"ALL THE SINGLE LADIES?!" Himura screamed slash sang.
"ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!" Katsura echoed.
"NOW PUT YOUR HANDS UP!" They both yelled, continuing to dance. Oji, by this time, had passed out, but neither man took any notice. After all, when being watched, dance. They threw up their hands, spun in circles, and slapped their butts indecently until the song playing in their heads ended.
.~.
Saitou backed away from the shoji, deeply disturbed at what he had just witnessed. The Battousai's weakness was… dancing? No. He thought, shaking his head to clear it. What he had seen had been indeed, deeply disturbing. The head of the Ishin Shishi and their most feared killer… dancing? It couldn't be so!
Saitou began walking away briskly, passing all the guards he had had to take down in order to gain access to the building. While walking, he subconsciously began singing softly.
"If you like it then you should have put a ring on it…"
.~.
Ten years later…
Kaoru balanced the tofu bucket and soy sauce on her arm, and opened the gate to the Kamiya dojo. Quite suddenly, she lost her grip on the packages, dropping everything and nearly falling into the dirt. Luckily Kenshin reached out in time to catch her arm and prevent her from tumbling and dirtying her kimono.
But unfortunately, the near spill had caused several innocent passersby to pause in their work, staring at Kaoru and Kenshin. Kenshin immediately lost all the color in his face. He began to instinctively rock back and forth on his heels. Realizing what he was about to do, Kenshin shut his eyes and plugged his ears.
"I don't care how single you are I refuse to dance to your song!" He whispered repeatedly. "I just don't care!"
He began to twitch uncontrollably, falling to his knees then rolling around in the road. He began to have a one-sided argument.
"I won't dance!"
"Dance you stupid rurouni!"
"NO! This one refuses!"
"Dance! It's in your blood!"
"I won't!"
The second voice changed drastically, taking on a robotic tone that was all too familiar to Kaoru.
"Rurouni Overload! Dance or be finished now!"
"NO!!!"
Kenshin gave a final shudder, then burst into a million tiny pieces of what appeared to be paper.
Kaoru sighed, abandoning the tofu and soy sauce. She took a small broom and box out of her moneybag, and began sweeping the pieces of Kenshin into the pouch.
As she walked back up to the house, being careful not to drop any Kenshin, Sanosuke gave an exasperated sigh.
"Do you have to live on such a busy road?" He asked. "This is the third time this week."
.~.
Author's Notes:
SO… didya like it??? I worked hard :3 Don't forget to read the original story, 'Being Watched,' by XDXP!!!
Ciao,
Otaku-han