She wanted to break down. It would be the easiest thing in the world to collapse on the cold cement floor at her feet and shatter into a million pieces.
"I love you" echoed in the air with finality that those words never should hold. In all the ways she had imagined that revelation, whenever she pictured him walking away afterwards, she had always run after him. But she couldn't. Where he was going, she couldn't follow. It was worse than any mission, worse than when he'd run back to Lian Yu. How could she follow if she didn't know where he was going?
How could she live if he didn't make it back?
"It'll be fine. I'll come back. Thea will be okay."
The words came back, resonating around his confession until they were her prayer. "I'll come back. I love you. It'll be fine." And that was the reason she could not give in. If Oliver still had hope, then so would she.
With a breath that was more like a gasp, she steadied her shaking legs and tottered over to sink into her chair. She turned to face her babies, fingers coming to rest over the keyboard, but it was the sound of footsteps, John and Roy returning, rather than the sound of typing that drowned out the erratic rhythm of her breaths.
"He leave?" Diggle asked softly, like he would talk around Sarah.
All she could manage was a tiny nod, but it was enough. Roy's sharp intake of breath and another footstep, then Digg's heavy hand on her shoulder lent her strength. She wasn't alone. They were in this together, the three of them, waiting for his return.
When night fell, the Foundry was unnaturally calm. Felicity turned from her computers. Indulging in weakness, she had been staring blankly at them for hours, but her eyes drifted up to the still Salmon Ladder and she knew it was enough. "I'm going home now," she announced to Diggle and Roy. The men looked up from where they stared at the ground, Diggle on the couch, Roy leaning against a table covered with unfinished arrows. She stood, thankful her legs would hold her. "But I'll be back tomorrow night. Digg, can you wear the suit? We should keep on until...until he comes back."
The look in their eyes told her they didn't expect his return. No matter. Oliver had hope—when had that ever happened? He always relied on others to give him hope. So this time, she would hope because of him, and her hope would have to sustain the whole team.
Roy set down the arrow he'd been twirling absently. Digg's shoulders straightened and he nodded once. They would go on. They were still Team Arrow, even in Oliver's absence.
"It'll be fine. I'll come back."
That would have to be enough.
Since the moment they met over that broken laptop, Felicity could always read Oliver. The one exception was the night of Slade's siege, but even then, she could never decide if he had fooled her or told the truth. At his good-bye, she would have sworn in a court of law that he was telling the truth, that every word he told her was nothing but hard fact.
Hours turned to days. The team kept up appearances in the city, settling petty crimes, keeping the people safe. The Arrow and the Arsenal were seen. The trio were more in the Foundry than ever before—yet the room under the club had never been calmer or quieter.
Days turned into weeks. She dodged all of Ray Palmer's attempts to involve her in his A.T.O.M. suit and personal hero complex. She saw his confusion when he looked at her, knew he saw the light draining from her bit by bit. Hesitation entered his once-confident step. She tried to reassure him with a pasted-on smile, but she had never been an actress.
Weeks turned into months. Her searches turned up the faintest hints of League movement in distant regions of the world, and Felicity forced herself to accept that Oliver had finally managed to lie to her. The League would be gone, or he would have been back by now. That was one thing she knew. If he had won, if he had done what she asked, nothing could have kept him from coming back to her.
Ray Palmer often found her standing at near the glass wall of her office, Oliver's old office, looking out over the city he loved—had loved. More and more often, now, her preoccupation made her miss Ray's approach. One day, she jumped to feel him lay a hand on her back. His blue eyes looked down on her with understanding. "I'm sorry," he told her. "I'm so sorry. It doesn't get better…but after a while, I guess you kind of learn how to live without them. If you need any time off…"
She shook her head and thanked him, and they pretended the conversation never happened.
Months turned into almost a year. Roy and Digg still kept the city safe, she still kept the two of them safe, and life went on around them, but Ray was wrong. She couldn't figure out what life was like without Oliver in it.