Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, or the Twelve Days of Christmas, which I believe is public domain now.

Cracky. Cheerful. Festive. Funny. No, I'm not describing Lindsay Lohan after her check from Playboy cleared. I'm describing this story! I hope you like it!

Chapter One, Part One

The Fuck Up

"Babe, I said I'm sorry," Puck sighed. He leaned against the locker next to Kurt's, staring apologetically at his boyfriend. Kurt exchanged his books, pushing his Calculus text deep inside his locker and tucking his French text inside his messenger bag as Puck stared at him imploringly.

Kurt turned to Puck and smiled and in a completely false voice said, "I know, Noah. I've thought it over and I forgive you."

"So you're cool with everything?" Puck asked hopefully.

"Of course!" Kurt gushed disbelievingly. "And believe me, Noah, it was not a big deal. You shouldn't feel bad about it at all. I mean, eight month anniversaries come and go, but fifty-cent Wing Saturdays at Pizza Hut are a once a week event!" Kurt slammed his locker shut, scaring Puck a little with his intensity. "I mean, by Madonna! Had I known about their Zesty Ranch or Blazin' Buffalo flavors I wouldn't have thrown such a fit that night." His eyes gleamed in the harsh light of the hallway, and Puck scratched at his mohawk nervously as Kurt smiled at him with far too much teeth.

"Awesome…" Puck said, taking a step back from Kurt unsurely. "So…we're on for Breadstix tonight?"

"Oh no," Kurt said softly, stepping closer to Puck, "no, no, no, no, no, no. We're having roast beef tonight."

"Roast…beef," Puck said as Kurt cornered him at the end of the hall. "Sounds great, babe! We'll just go to Breadstix tomorrow night."

"No," Kurt said, pressing himself closer to Puck, smoothing his mohawk and tweaking his nose as he stared him down. "Tomorrow night we're having roast beef again."

"Again?" Puck asked.

"Yes, again," Kurt repeated. "And we're having it the night after that, and the night after that, and the night after that, because I HAVE A SIX POUND RUMP ROAST COOLING IN MY REFRIGERATOR FROM THE BEAUTIFUL MEAL THAT I SLAVED OVER ALL DAY SATURDAY BUT DIDN'T EAT BECAUSE YOU FORGOT OUR ANNIVERSARY!" With that Kurt shoved him back into the lockers with a resounding clang and stalked off, scaring even a pack of hockey players away in his anger.

"Ow," Puck whined, rubbing the spot on his chest where Kurt poked him. He didn't have a chance to recover from Kurt's attack as he was soon surrounded by the entirety of the girls of New Directions, who pushed him once again into the cold metal of the lockers behind him.

"What the fuck?" Puck cried as both Santana and Mercedes began hitting him over the head with their heavy fists.

"Can it, Puckerman," Rachel commanded, her arms crossed in indignation. "This is a dumbass-tervention. That's a dumbass –," she said slowly as if Puck were hard of hearing, " – intervention."

"And right now you are King of the Dumbasses," Santana said, swiping her hand at Puck. He quickly dodged it, but in his haste to escape her fist he banged his head against a locker door.

"What the – what did I do to any of you?" he said, feeling the angry eyes of all six girls bearing down on him mercilessly.

"You hurt my bestie," Mercedes said, glaring at him disapprovingly. "That poor little white boy spent all Saturday afternoon cooking a nice meal for you, messing up his manicure and clogging his pores over greasy pans while you were stuffing your face with Finn at Pizza Hut!"

"Not only that," Quinn added, her hands on her hips and her teeth gritting at Puck's inconsiderateness, "but you forgot your anniversary, which was a big deal for Kurt; and it should have been a big deal for you as well."

"Why should I give a fuck about a freaking anniversary?" Puck asked, folding over as Mercedes hit him in the stomach.

"It was your guys' eight month anniversary," Tina reminded him. "That's like twenty years in high school time. It should have been a special celebration, commemorating all your time together."

"Yeah, because neither of you have been in a relationship for that long," Brittany added. "Before, Kurt was just a lonely dolphin, and you were like the town doorknob."

"I was a doorknob?" Puck asked, exasperated at all their prodding and poking.

"Yeah, everyone had a turn," Brittany said matter-of-factly. "But then you two found each other and it was like a fairy tale," she smiled, fluttering her eyelashes as she remembered all the times she secretly spied on Puck and Kurt having sex, "until you ruined it," she said darkly.

"See that?" Santana asked, swiping at Puck again. "You made my girlfriend upset. You better find a way to make this better again, or else the next time your mohawk needs a trim I'm going to use a box cutter instead of a pair of clippers."

"Fix this, Puck," Rachel said, pointing a finger in his face threateningly, which was no small feat as she was much shorter than him. "Or else we'll have no choice but to invoke the Gay Best Friend Clause."

"What the fuck is that?" Puck asked.

"It's the part in a high school friendship where a girl and her best gay promise to always be there for each other and vow to inflict pain and hurt to whoever hurts them," Rachel said ominously. "Kurt was there for me each of the twelve times Finn and I broke up."

"He helped me realize I was still in love with Sam," Mercedes said brightly. "And he showed me the place where Beyoncé gets her wigs."

"He helped me get out of my Goth phase," Tina said, smoothing down her new, colorful skirt happily. "Remember when I used to wear beanies? Now Mike says all the colors on my clothes are a real turn on," she smiled.

"He comforted me when Lord Tubbington died," Brittany said. "But it turns out he wasn't dead, he just had indigestion from the stray puppy he ate."

"He showed me this special cream that helped me get rid of the stretch marks I got after you knocked me up," Quinn said, shoving Puck into the lockers once again.

All the girls turned to Santana, who was crossing her arms. She rolled her eyes as she said, "He helped me pick out me and Britt's first double-sided dildo, alright? I owe the kid big time." She and Brittany shared a knowing smirk before they linked pinkies happily. The smirk fell from her face quickly as she eyed Puck murderously once again.

"We all owe Kurt," Rachel said angrily, "so you better find a way to make our best gay happy again."

"And word to the wise, Puckerman," Santana began, "these bitches and I have spent so much time together these last few years that our menstrual cycles are in perfect sync. Right now there's so much collective blood flowing out of our vaginas it looks like we were stabbed between the legs. We're all basically at Defcon One, period-wise right now. So if you don't want six menstruating, cramping, hungry, bloated, depressed, angry women ripping that stupid mohawk off your head with their bare hands, you'd better get this right." During her speech she'd stepped up to Puck and stuck her finger in his face, her nail tip pressing into his nose uncomfortably.

"If you don't find a way to make this up to Kurt, I will end you," Mercedes promised.

"Come on, ladies," Rachel said, all six of the girls turning on their heels and departing down the hall. "Fix it," she yelled at Puck, "or I will have no choice but to express my fury through song!" The girls left, leaving a confused and thoughtful Puck in their wake.

Puck banged his head against the locker as he realized he really messed up with Kurt. He saw Finn and Sam walking past and grabbed the two boys by the scruffs of their shirts before they got away.

"What the hell!" Finn said angrily. "They're giving away free Christmas cookies at the cafeteria and if they run out - ."

"Fucktard," Puck said, smacking Finn on the back of the head, "didn't I tell you to remind me of my anniversary with Kurt?"

"Ow!" Finn cried, rubbing the back of his head. "I don't know! I barely remember where I live sometimes. How was I supposed to remember your guys' anniversary?"

"Mess up with Kurt, again?" Sam chuckled. "Little dude must be pissed."

"He's not half as mad as the Pussy Pack," Puck said. "They friggin' attacked me right after Kurt verbally bitch slapped me in front of half the school."

"Was that him?" Finn asked. "I thought it was, like, Diana Ross crying or something."

"And the girls tore you a new one, too?" Sam said, examining Puck's face. "Huh. That is Santana's nail mark on your nose. I thought you were just breaking out."

"Crap," Puck said, sinking into the locker, "I must've really fucked up with Princess for the entire chick brigade to be pissed at me, too. I gotta make this right with him."

"How?" Finn asked, staring hopefully at the students exiting the cafeteria with fresh sugar cookies topped with royal icing. "He's all…warm…and gooey…and sugary…melt in your mouth…" Sam flicked his ear as drool ran began to run down his parted lips. "What happened?" he asked, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Puck and Sam stared at Finn, who looked back glassy-eyed.

"Why don't you just give him a gift?" Sam suggested. "He likes clothes, right?"

"Last time I gave him clothes he said he loved them, but I know he returned them for store credit," Puck shrugged. "I don't know how he got the sales people to take them back, seeing as how I didn't exactly pay for them."

"What about jewelry?" Sam said.

"I don't think he'd like any jewelry I'd give him, especially after that time I gave him a ring that turned his finger green," Puck said. "Fuck, I suck at gifts."

"What about cookies?" Finn asked, licking his lips hopefully. Puck and Sam ignored him as they continued their conversation.

"You'd better think of something fast, man," Sam said. "Otherwise your 'I'm sorry' gift will mash together with your Christmas and Hanukkah gifts."

Puck mulled over what Sam said before an idea struck him. "Dude, that's it!" he said happily. He picked Sam up and hugged him before setting him back on the ground. "Thanks, Evans. If you weren't straight and your lips weren't so big that I were afraid you'd swallow me, I'd kiss you!"

"Um, thanks," Sam said, straightening himself after Puck put him down. "But I don't think Mercedes would like me kissing another dude. You can kiss Finn though," Sam said, biting back a chuckle. Puck was too lost in his thoughts and took Sam's advice, rushing forward and kissing Finn. Finn sputtered and pushed Puck away, wiping his lips on the back of his hand.

"Ugh! Dude! You kissed me! And you've been kissing my brother! Agh, I basically kissed my brother!" Finn cried, spitting and rubbing his lips raw as if it could erase Puck's kiss. Sam, meanwhile, was clutching his stomach as he laughed heartily at Finn's expense.

"Not a bad kiss, Hudson," Puck smirked. "Not great, but not bad, either." With that he smacked Finn on the ass and walked away, letting his plans to earn Kurt's forgiveness form in his head.

Part Two

A Partridge In A Pear Tree

The next day Kurt arrived to his first period English class late. His teacher glared at him disapprovingly as he interrupted the class with his entrance and took an empty seat at the very back of the class. He huffed as he sat down, peeling his gloves from his hands and brushing the snow off his scarf and jacket as he got out his notebook and pens. He sat down, not noticing Puck was sitting next to him with an arm slung over the back of his chair.

"What are you doing here?" Kurt hissed. "Shouldn't you be in Spanish?"

"Spanish, English, same difference," Puck shrugged. "Besides, I wanted to see my boyfriend before the day started and give him his gift, but he was late."

"Well my car was completely iced and I had to pour hot water all over it just to get the doors open and of course Finn was no help, he got his tongue stuck to the windshield because he thought it would taste like a popsicle but…wait, did you say gift?" Kurt asked, looking at Puck unsurely.

"Yeah," Puck smirked. "Got it right here."

"I hope you don't think a gift is going to get you off the hook, Noah," Kurt whispered as his teacher looked at the pair suspiciously. "You forgot our anniversary."

"I know Princess, and I'm sorry," Puck said. "And I know 'I'm sorry' isn't enough, so I got you this." With that Puck took out a small wrapped box and presented it to Kurt. Kurt looked at it doubtfully, turning it over in his hands, examining the newspaper wrapping and dental floss used as ribbon before deciding it was okay. He bit his lower lip in a combination of trepidation and excitement, silently unwrapping it, careful not to tear the paper too loudly. He cautiously pulled out two small bonsai trees, each no taller than a foot high, planted inside a square pot that said 'Property of Miriam Puckerman' along the side. Perched atop the trees, glinting with a combination of duct and scotch tape, were a trio of DVDs, blank and unassuming as to their nature. Kurt stared at his "gift", unsure of what to make of it.

"What is it?" he asked distastefully, though he did a fair job of masking his tone.

"It's a partridge in a pair of trees," Puck said proudly, practically puckering his lips as he expected Kurt to launch himself in his arms and shower his face with kisses.

"Noah, the song goes 'A partridge in a pear tree'," Kurt said, turning his gift around to examine the back. "Not a pair of trees. And there isn't a partridge in them, only some DVDs."

"It's the complete second season of The Partridge Family," Puck smiled. "I got it off a torrent site and burned it for you."

"Oh…okay," Kurt said, setting the trees down on his desk wordlessly.

"You don't like it," Puck said, noticing Kurt's lack of enthusiasm.

"No, I just – I don't understand how you thought a bootleg copy of The Partridge Family set on top of a pair of bonsai trees planted in your mother's pot would make up for you forgetting our anniversary."

"Well don't worry, Princess," Puck said, wrapping his arm around his boyfriend's side and pulling him close. "I've got a whole fuckload of gifts coming for you."

"Wait…I'm sorry, but what is it you're doing?" Kurt asked, looking confusedly at his boyfriend.

"It's the Twelve Days of Puckmas!" Puck said excitedly, smiling brightly at Kurt.

"Is…is that a thing?" Kurt asked.

"Fuck yeah, it is!" Puck said. "I mean, no disrespect to the Christ dude; after all he was a fellow Jew. But right now 'tis the season for me to get back in my baby's good graces," he said, tickling Kurt behind the ear. "Just think of it as my way of saying 'I'm sorry for fucking up'."

"Noah, you do know the Twelve Days of Christmas starts on Christmas day and goes into January," Kurt said, pulling Puck's hand from behind his ear. "Today is only December fourteenth."

"Oh," Puck said, rubbing his mohawk embarrassedly. "Well how the fuck was I supposed to know it doesn't end on Christmas? You Gentiles always make things so complicated. Which brings me to the other part of your gift."

"It's not two turtle-Dove bars, is it?" Kurt asked warily. Puck chuckled before taking a crumpled sheet of notebook paper and crossing something off with his pencil. Kurt got a peek at the list, which had a series of numbers from 1-12 with a jumbled list of words next to each number.

Turning back to Kurt he said, "Well you know Hanukkah is coming up, right? And this year it overlaps with Christmas, so…"

"Oh, Noah," Kurt sighed, wondering if he could withstand more of Puck's gifts, "you don't have to do that. This was more than enough."

"Naw, I can see you hate it," Puck said. "But it's cool. You'll love what else I got in store for you."

"Noah," Kurt began, but he was cut off as the sound of the bell rang. Puck kissed Kurt quickly and got up to meet the guys to brainstorm more ideas for Kurt's gifts. "Noah, wait!"

"Can't talk now, Princess," Puck said, waving to Kurt as he exited the class. "I'll see you later!"

Kurt huffed as he looked disdainfully at his gift. He sighed as he tucked it back into the box, making a mental note to pluck the trees from the pot so he could give it back to Puck's mother. 'There are twelve days of Christmas,' Kurt thought to himself. 'Or Puckmas, as he's no doubt going to call it from now on. And if Hanukkah is on the twentieth, and there's eight days of that, that's either twenty separate gifts or fourteen gifts if he combines the days Christmas and Hanukkah overlap.' He rubbed his eyes, realizing it was too early in the morning to deal with Puck's insanity. Maybe he should forgive him for forgetting their anniversary and get it over with. He knew that wouldn't be enough, though; once Puck latched onto an idea, he saw it through, no matter what anyone said. It's what Kurt simultaneously loved and hated about the boy.

Kurt packed up his papers and pens, pulling his messenger bag over his shoulder as he tucked Puck's gift under his arm and made his way to Physics. At the moment he was feeling a mixture of relief and apprehension; relief at knowing Puck had given him his gift for the day, but apprehension for the fact that tomorrow would bear another gift, and another after that, and so on and so on for the foreseeable future, unless death came and saved him from his boyfriend's lunacy.

Happy Holidays everybody! So you can expect a new chapter in this fic for the next fifteen days, until the last day of Hanukkah on the twenty-eighth...unless I get caught up in holiday shit; then it'll end on Christmas for sure. I'll let you know before then. It's just my little gift to you all hehehe. But don't expect them all to be this long. They'll be short little chapters, just basically Puck giving Kurt his gift for Puckmas (lol) and Kurt's reaction to whatever Puck thought up. These are basically just palate cleansers that I use to take my mind off "How Wonderful" and "Hocus Pocus", both of which I am actively working on and will continue to update along with this story. So yeah, hope you liked this! And a Merry Puckmas and a Happy Hanukkah too!