I deleted my first version, and this has been rewritten all over again, and edited the heck out of! I hope you like this version, but I am making a couple major changes that I think everypony should know about:
I changed my O.C's design many times, and She is a Pegasus now, not an Alicorn, and never again will be. I found that Alicorns shouldn't be used unless for royalty, so that is over.
I might even delete the whole chapter, or just make it unrecognizable because of so much editing.
I might change the plot, making there be 7 Elements of harmony, and not six.
And final, I will be writing probably only major points in their life, but I'm not so sure. I might be doing this because I am not so good at writing life stories, as I tend to digress from the situation.
That's all, and I hope this is more understandable. And the Sonic Rainboom won't happen because of a wish. That is all.
Characters You don't know:
Dashed Flower: white Pegasus female with orange, blue and purple mane and tail. Her cutie mark is a flower dashed with raindrops.
Breeze Ace: Blue male unicorn with yellow mane and tail. His cutie mark is white wind blowing around an ace, like the traditional game card ace.
Dark Shadowed: Group of pegasi, unicorns and earth ponies' determined to rule all of Equestria.
Dren: Male ruler of the Dark Shadowed.
Dreaia: Female ruler of the Dark Shadowed.
That is all of the characters you will need to know. Some bullies will appear from time to time, but you will only need their names.
Rainbow Lily's Point of View (For the whole entire story, it will be in her point of view)
Rainbow Dash and I were taking a break from weatherwork at Sugar cube Corner. Twilight was with us, and we were talking about how to surprise Applejack, as her birthday was coming up. Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom walked into sugar cube corner, and saw us talking. They went right on over and asked,
"Hey, Rainbow Dash, Rainbow Lily." Scootaloo called out. The twins looked at us and Rainbow Dash answered,
"Yeah Cutie Mark Crusaders, what do you need?"
"Did you and Lily always know you were brother and sister?" Rainbow did an ultimate spit-take, then high-hoofed me. Then I answered,
"Well, Rainbow Dash didn't know for a while, but I knew all along. I tried to give her hints, but she took them the wrong way. It all came through in the end." They all sat down on the ground, and looked up at me. I look at Rainbow Dash and say,
"Shouldn't you be back on weather Duty? Tell Bright Eyes that she can take my place, and if she does that, tell her I'll buy her a muffin." Bright Eyes LOVES muffins.
"K, RL, see you later! After, race to Cloudsdale from my house. Last one there has to buy the tickets to the Wonderbolts Derby!" I look at her, and challenge,
"Oh, it's ON!" I look to the 3 eager ponies, and I begin,
"16 years ago, on June 4th at 10:30am…"
16 years ago….OMG DOTS!
One day, a unicorn and a Pegasus walk home, 2 fillies in their arms. They walk into the house, and the mother sits down. She looks up at the unicorn and says,
"Breeze Ace, What are we going to name them?"
"Well, Dashed Flower, How about we take a look at them first?" They rolled one over, and saw wings. This one was cyan colored, just like her mother, had magenta-violet eyes, and had rainbow colored mane and tail.
"This is new, How about Rainbow?"
" I want to make the name stand out, as she does. How about Rainbow Dash?
"That is an excellent Idea, now the next one." They see that it has wings, but they had red markings on the underside.
"Now, how about Redwing?"
"No, nopony will probably even see the markings anyway. Hmm…"
They thought long and hard, and looked at it, trying to think of a name. It was white, with contrasting mane and tail colors, which the mane and tail didn't match at all. The mane was purple and yellow, and the tail was blue and orange. This one had teal colored eyes.
"How about Rainbow Lily? She is as white as a lily, and she has all the colors of the rainbow."
"Perfect names, Breeze Ace. I love them." Dashed Flower picked them both up. As she did, A thunderstorm let out the first Thunderclap and Lightning strike. The newly named Rainbow Dash curled up and let a scared whinny. They immediately took them to the nursery, and put them down in the crib, tucked them in, and walked to their room.
When the adults left, the fillies laid there for around an hour, but they couldn't sleep. So they sat up for around 5 minutes, and watched lightning go by. A thunderclap boomed, causing Rainbow dash to curl up in fear. Rainbow Lily half-walked, half-crawled toward her younger sister, and curled up next to her.
Little did they know that there was a dark Presence in the room the whole time. It went over to the crib and vanished through the window.
Present...OMG MORE DOTS!
"And I still remember that one thought that night as I curled up next to her. It was I will never let anything touch you or hurt you, because they have to get through me first."
So, How was it? I know, shorter than the first version, but I think this is well written, well, at least to my standards.
So, this is what I want you to do.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how was this chapter? Anonymous reviewers can review, so don't be shy. Be as honest as applejack, and tell me why you gave that number. I will give some examples to tell you want I mean:
DO THIS:
' I gave this a 2 because it has a lot of problems, but if you take my advice, it willturn out into a great story. The problems are…' and you just list the problems.
DON'T DO THIS:
' I gave this story a 1 because it sucks.'
IF YOU DO THIS, I'LL ACCEPT IT, JUST ONCE THOUGH:
' I gave this story a 6 because it has some problems, but overall it is a good story.'
If you can't seem to find the problems, then I'll accept it. I want, or NEED honest reviews, or this story will turn out crappy.
Thanks.