09/12/2010. – Taking Chances.

I have anxiety and depression. I live in constant fear. I worry about the past, current, or future situations. I have stomach and head pain all the time, tachycardia and even panic attacks. Sometimes heart palpitations and breathing problems. I suffer every day, and not only in "stressful situations". I think so much before I do something, and eventually I don't do it at all. I suffer from insomnia. I sweat to the idea of having to interact with people. Yes, I know it sounds absolutely unbelievable. After all, I'm the Mayor of Storybrooke, but I have an amazing masquerade, and I manage with this awful personality to stay totally calm.

I think probably nobody knows me too well. I have no real friends, except if you count my six year old son, which no offense, it's not like having an adult friend. Anyway, I love him more than my own life. I've been fighting to suppress my feelings my whole life, but with Henry it's like I can't. He is the light that seems to never leave me even on my darkest days.

He is one of the sweetest boys that could exist, smart, and a loving person. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to raise him so well. I guess everything that's wrong with me is fine with him. His father used to love him dearly, and they were like best friends. I loved Daniel, but I can't really think about him. Dr. Hopper says I need to speak about it, but it honestly isn't fair to speak with Henry about his father. He wasn't this idol that Henry thinks he was, and I wasn't the super mom I apparently am in my son's eyes.

I've been broken for a long time, and I don't think it's a good excuse, but it's probably the problem with me.

My mother wasn't the best mother. She was cruel, and punishment was something so normal for me that I can't even think about how I suppressed all these angry feelings I have towards life. I think I haven't, and they are here every day haunting me. I'm afraid one day I won't be able to stay strong and stop myself from hurting. I stopped hurting myself a while ago, but now I'm hurting the people around me, and even if I don't care about them, I think it looks bad. I'm a bad person? I'm trying not to be. I've been going to therapy a lot, but I'm not sure it's working. Henry doesn't know about all of this. I don't want to put this extra weight on his little shoulders, you know?

He is a smart kid, so he probably knows something is off with me but I'm afraid to tell him. What if he doesn't love me anymore? Dr. Hopper says I'm insecure and that Henry will love me no matter what, but that's what I've been told all my life. That's what I wanted to think about mother and Daniel, yet here I am, broken, alone. I'm supposed to trust myself more, but it's not that simple. I haven't told Dr. Hopper, but I've been seeing him in my dreams again. The last time was months ago. I don't know what to do. The nightmares are constant again, and I can't breathe sometimes.

I wish I was dead, but I shouldn't be saying this. I can't leave Henry alone, he needs me. I'm his only family besides Luke our dog. Yes I know, it sounds crazy, right? But the dog is cute and makes Henry happy, and well, sometimes I'm happy too.

I still don't see the purpose of these letters, but I think it's because it's the first time I'm writing them, right? Also, if you're reading, please don't judge me. I just needed someone to read my crazy life, or at least pretend to listen to me. Like I said, no friends, remember?

Tomorrow is my first day back at my job, and I don't really feel ready to go back, but Dr. Hopper says it's normal. Henry is starting kindergarten, and I think he's fine with it. He is shy, but I'm sure he'll be good in no time. He likes to learn and actually learns quickly. I got lucky with him; he is the best son a mother could ask.

I should get going. Henry is hungry and I need to start dinner.

Love, Emma.