Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

Chapter the First-Do the Spirit Shuffle

Previously on Dan, the Tactician with the Master Plan(s): Dan the Tactician, assisted by his official player's guide, had reached Chapter 27, Victory or Death. His objectives: win the chapter and finally kill that terrible experience hog Marcus off. Unfortunately, his plans went awry as usual. His northern battle group got mostly turned into animals due to Nino's meddling, the flyers spent hundreds of thousands of gold in a misunderstanding to the south, and Marcus just wouldn't die, quickly mowing through the enemy armor and the now-furry northern battle group. Dan tried various long-range means to stop Marcus, but when nothing worked, he hastily handed Wil the title of Tactician and rushed off carrying various sharp objects to put an end to Marcus' heroics. After Marcus slaid Linus and got yet another no-stat level-up, Dan grew enraged and engaged Marcus in an epic swordfight, which the Tactician eventually won, only to explode in pure rage when the flyers arrived and showed him the bill...

"Bye, Eliwood!" Wil yelled as he waved to the Lord, who was now shackled on his hands and feet. "Sorry I had to sell you into slavery forever to pay off the debt!"

"Lousy Tacticians, no respect for Lords, improper hygiene..." Eliwood muttered, fuming.

"Great, now we can finally keep all this loot!" Heath exclaimed. He dumped the various weapons he'd been carrying on the ground; Fiora did the same with her tomes and staves, and Florina with her various healing items.

"Let's see..." Fiora said, looking through the loot. "Hm, here are some iron weapons... Fire and Thunder Tomes...Shine...a heal Staff..."

"OOH! OOH! OOH!" The party's sole remaining magic user ran around the pile in excitement, jumping up and down and screeching loud enough to force everyone to cover their ears. "No WAY did you get one of these! Omigosh!"

"Uh...one of what?" Florina asked, confused and more than a little weirded out by Serra's outburst.

"A Life Staff! One of the weird books Dan had says they're from another world! They can bring back the dead!"

"Really?" Lyn said, impressed. "Quick, let's use it on everyone that died here!"

"And then have the weddings!" Wil shouted out of nowhere, making everyone look at him incredulously. "What?"

Later, they finally reached Nino's corpse.

"EEEW!" Serra screeched. "She's all gross! Put her away!"

"You're supposed to heal her! Get to it!" Lyn said angrily.

"Uh, okay..." Serra made a show of holding her nose and turning away from Nino as she held up the staff and used it. Nino's body shone brilliantly and was raised by an invisible force.

"Cool!" Wil exclaimed; everyone looked at him sternly. "What?"

Slowly, Nino's eyes opened and she spoke. "Hey, what the-? What happened? Why am I here?"

"...you aren't Nino, are you?" Kent ventured, looking confused.

"Of course not, I'm Hector! Hector! ...hey, why am I so short?" Nino/Hector looked down at her/his body and gave a piercing shriek that made even Serra look hoarse. (Though that didn't prevent the pink-haired Bishop from joining in as she realized what had happened)

"What the-? How did Hector get in Nino's body?" Heath asked, hoping someone knew. Luckily, Bartre did. He walked up thumbing through a thick tome about life and death, wearing small reading glasses and looking completely out of character.

"Let's see, here it says that the spirits of the dead briefly perform a dance called the 'Spirit Shuffle' after dying," he read.

"Oh, the Spirit Shuffle?" Wil spoke up. "Does it go something like...this?" He promptly began pathetically trying to do a hip-hop beat and sing at the same time while moonwalking, making everyone stare at him even more incredulously.

"Quit the weird dancing and find out how to get my body back!" Nino/Hector yelled, grabbing Wil and forcing him to stop.

Bartre continued patiently. "Anyway, if a way is somehow found to revive the dead, it's likely that theirs spirits will have switched places in the midst of the Spirit Shuffle."

"Wow, you really do know a lot about magic," Lyn commented.

"So..." Heath said, half to himself. "If the spirits switch bodies as long as the person is dead, then I just have to..." He trailed off and drew his lance, then without warning impaled Nino/Hector.

"What are you doing?" Lyn shouted.

"EEEEEW! GUH-ROSS!" Serra screeched at the sight of the blood and frantically checked her dress to make sure nothing had splattered on it.

"Well, revive her again! Maybe she'll be back to normal!"

"Good plan," Bartre commented. Even more melodramatically than before, Serra looked away from the corpse and held her nose as she raised the Life Staff again.

Nino slowly got to her feet again and looked around. "Oh...where...am I?"

"Priscilla?" Lyn asked.

"Oh, yes..." Nino/Priscilla replied.

"I didn't know she died," Lyn commented.

"Wrong again!" Heath cut in. "Time to-"

Raven cut him off. "No, this is better than before." He took Nino/Priscilla/s hand and they walked off together, gazing into each other's eyes. Everyone stared for several moments until Wil, as usual, broke the silence.

"This sure is awkward."

"Uh...yeah," Lyn said. "Let's get back to reviving."

"Aohhh..." Serra groaned, not bothering to hide her disdain for corpses.

An hour or two later, they'd managed to find and revive everyone. Since Serra had stopped Heath from killing anyone off anymore, the "Spirit Shuffle" was causing chaos. Hector/Nino ran around laughing his head off and playing with the horses' tails, Sain/Erk baffled everyone with his complete loss of interest in girls, Canas/Hector managed to get into (and pathetically lose) a fistfight with Bartre, Erk/Canas was mostly unchanged except for his increased sociability, and Priscilla/Sain went into a deep depression over no longer being able to woo any of the ladies of the party. Only Marcus managed to get his own spirit back, and he insisted on retiring and replacing Wil, ending his short and pathetic career as a Tactician. (But not as an announcer for random events of all kinds) The party continued to make its way across Elibe, unaware of any of the sinister plans the writer had in store for them...

Somewhere, sometime, someone hatched a plan of unknown morality. Someone cast a spell of fluctuating light intensity to do something.

Someone screamed.

What the heck was that last part? What sinister, mysterious plans am I...uh, planning? Will this new craziness cause untold havoc among the party? Is this the most overused plot twist ever? How did Serra become a Bishop while fainting at the sight of blood? And just how do you do the Spirit Shuffle, anyway? Find out in the next chapter!

Here it is, the first chapter of my second story! Please R&R! Seriously, is that plot twist way too overused?

Eliwood: I'll say.

Shut it, you biased Lord. Hector is better than you. Get back to uselessly attempting to split rocks.

Eliwood: I really do hate you.

Wil: Can we have the weddings now?

There are no weddings!

Wil: I don't even miss my job anymore...

Eliwood: Read and review, peoples!