It Isn't

S J Smith

Disclaimer: So very the wrong sex to be Joss Whedon.

Rating: R for language

Written for penguins for the Connor ficathon: Faith/Connor

A.N.: Errr...a deviation from AtS, season 4.

It isn't what you think. I mean, just look at him. All skin and bones - can't even believe that the kid could come from Angel's genes. He's a little bit of nothing. Not even taller than Fred, if you can believe that. But damn, he can fight. He's got the moves of a Slayer and a demon and he knows how to use that body.

I like how he uses that body.

I really like how he lets me use that body.

It's not like that though; well, it wasn't at first. God, the mistakes we made. The mistakes everyone made. If Witchy Willow and I had left the Hyperion just a few minutes earlier, maybe everything wouldn't've gone tits up. Maybe we'd have been on our way back to Sunnydale, to help B in whatever mad quest she was on then, oh, right, the First, instead of having to kill Cordelia Chase.

Not that I really minded too much killing Cordy. Some hatreds just don't die, you know? And Queen C always did treat me like I was so much dog shit on the heel of her shoe. It took Willow and me both to take her down and we had to get through Angel and his buds to do it. God, talk about wanting to die afterwards, we did, both of us did, but Willow pointed out that whatever that thing was, it wasn't Cordelia, no matter how much it looked like, sounded like, hell, from what Angel babbled, even smelled like Queen C.

So, Willow and I both had another death on our hands. We tried to tell ourselves it was for a good cause; I mean, just think what might've happened if that thing with Cordelia's face had spawned whatever demon baby it was carrying. It wasn't much but it helped us with the guilt. The others...well, they weren't exactly appreciative of what we'd done, not at first. But when they saw what Cordy's real body looked like, something not at all human that only the green guy recognized, well, they kinda forgave us our trespasses.

Angel took it really hard; I guess he'd had some sort of feeling for Queen C. Didn't stop him from saddling up to go with Willow into Sunny-D when she asked, though. Hell, she didn't really even ask. I sorta told him to go. Figured that a vampire with a soul might be some use to B. Willow kinda shook her head at that, I didn't know what she meant at the time, but Angel blew outta L.A. as if all the demons of hell were on his tail.

The kid might've gone with but there were some unresolved father-son issues that I'm still not in on, so he stayed behind. I thought us killing Cordy might've busted him; even Angel was worried about it and when he calls, and, god, he calls all the time, the first thing outta his mouth is a question about how his son is. But the kid's made of sterner stuff than that. Yeah, he misses her, I know, even if the Cordy he knew was an imitation of the original. She'd gotten inside his head, into his heart. And he's had such bad luck giving away his heart.

So I'm trying to stick around and make sure it doesn't get shattered again. And, you know, this saving the world gig is pretty much all I know. So I'm here in L.A. to help Angel's crew while he's off being busy in Sunny-D. Yeah, they coulda put me back in jail but Wes, man, he's good, he pulled some strings to keep me out. Nice of him, huh? We settled into a Watcher-Slayer type thing, even if he does scruff up a helluva lot nicer than most men do. And Fred and Gunn stayed on, too; and Lorne. And the kid. You know, I offered to keep an eye on him for Angel.

Wonder if the big guy figured it out then or if he really was too distracted to notice, what with Cordy's betrayal and him finding out B was in danger. I mean, he and the kid did have a talk, afterwards, that we weren't in on. Just the two of 'em and I figure, Angel didn't wind up as a pile of dust and the kid wasn't battered when they came out of the office, so it must've been a decent talk, right?

Don't get me wrong, the kid can out-stubborn a cat. And fight? He can go toe to toe with just about any demon out there. He's almost as good as me, just don't tell him I said that. Hell, the way he fought with me while Willow was sticking that soul back in Angel's body was enough to get a girl ready, you know?

All right, I know what you're thinking; foreplay isn't about hitting each other. But there's something about fighting that still, no matter what, makes me hungry and horny. And while I'm in L.A., I figured I might indulge a little while I'm working on the good side of the street.

Wes knows what we're doing. He rolls his eyes, sometimes, when Connor and I come back from a fight and our clothes are ripped in a completely different way than if a demon had tugged 'em offa us. Fred nearly walked in on us once. Lorne just gives me this indulgent smile - but I know he's worried. Afraid the kid could hurt me. Maybe vice versa but I'm thinking more the former. 'Cause no matter what Connor is, he still pretty much hates two things, well, three if you're counting Angel: demons and magic. And he was more than a little messed up after the whole Cordy thing.

I wasn't sure what to do about it; I mean, the only friends I'd lost were because I'd cut them outta my life, I betrayed them, not the other way around. Sure, B and I have our differences and if she finds out about my Orpheus trip through Angel's head, that'll probably just add another notch in the gun belt but really, when it comes down to it, she's still the one I want at my back, with Angel and the kid flanking us both. I'm ready to let bygones be bygones if we've both grown up enough to do that sorta thing. But helping the kid come to that realization, that the woman he fell in love with was using him, well, I didn't know how to handle it. I went to Mayor Wilkins on my own, after all and he treated me like a person, not a thing; like a fucking daughter, even. He took care of me and loved me in his own way but I went in with my eyes wide open. I knew what the deal was. Connor didn't have that. He didn't know like I did. And that tore him up, inside and out.

He was prickly about it; you know, I understood that. He yelled at poor Fred and made her cry. Thought I'd have to pull him offa Gunn. So I kept him busy. At least if he had his mind full of fighting, it made it hard to think about other things. And I'm not into that touchy-feely crap that they spouted off when I was in prison. Yeah, fighting through your grief probably isn't the best way to do it but it does channel your energy and at least, when you go to bed afterwards, you can sleep rather than think.

I wasn't really sure if he'd ever be right, not that Gunn and Fred thought he'd ever really been anything other than a clever little monkey (her) or a sneaky bastard (him), but he turned to me after a fight downtown that had us using all our cunning and strength and I was almost thinking, god, I wish I'd had B or Angel there, with one of their plans because I'm more a go on guts girl, and he just had this little boy lost face. I couldn't help it, just took him in my arms to hold him and the next thing I knew, we were going at it like bunnies.

Energizer bunnies, you know, if they fucked instead of carrying around those stupid drums.

Don't get me wrong, the sex is great. Fabulous. Every Slayer ougtta get herself a half-demon or whatever the hell Connor is for a lover. He's got staying power and he's strong and he can take what I dish out. Not that I'm out to hurt him, you know, just that it takes a while to get me going, even with all the fighting, and he's up for that.

God, is he ever.

I have no idea what Angel will say when he finds out but I'm not gonna tell him just yet. From what trickles in on the Sunny-D line, B's got two souled vamps to worry about and their bickering is enough to make her want to move to L.A. herself.

It isn't that I'm worried that she might just do that. Hell, getting away from Angel and Spike doesn't sound like a bad deal, to me.

Just have to tell her I'm not sharing my little find with anyone else.