Here's some more humor for y'all. Once again, it's not kind, so beware. No Liason yet, but you never know. Theoretically, this will be updated every time my annoyance level hits a high, but not on a set timetable. I'll be moving events and time at will, but it's all more or less the same as the show, and if it's not, I'll try to make the changes clear within the text.

DISCLAIMER: If I owned this show, I wouldn't need to write these stories: see how that works?

As ever, I need reviews to confirm that you like stuff well enough to want more. = ) And a big thank you for all the reviews I've already had. I really really really love them! So thank you again. Enjoy:

Today, on General Hospital

The message was ambiguous, but Sonny did his best. "Outlook is positive." He said, putting the magic eight ball down. "It's clear that I'm right, the ball says so.

Carly consulted the cue card in front of her. "I hate you Sonny!" But then she noticed the date. "Oh, sorry," she giggled with embarrassment. "That's this mornings!" She flipped through the little stack of green index paper. "Here it is. I love you Sonny! Please, you have to rest, so your wounds don't re-open." She scowled at him. "You should know this! You've already been shot seven times this year.

"I know, Carly, but I have to return to Port Charles, because it's safer there, with the police that hate me, Faith, Alcazar and the business, than it is here, at the convent." He batted his big brown eyes at her, hoping to convince her to come along without any further argument.

Carly was suspicious. "Is that the only reason you're in such a hurry to leave?

He flashed a dimple. Clearly his eyes weren't doing the trick. "Of course! What other reason could there be?" Then he cursed. "Sorry!

"No, it's okay. I'm getting better at the math anyway. Do you have a graphing calculator?" She sat down at the table, pulling out a ruler, a compass and some pencils, having learned the hard way not to use pens.

"Yeah, I've been carrying one in my pocket these days. Someday I'll remember not to ask that question, and then we can avoid this whole mess." He pulled out the calculator, and they both consulted a giant book, the cover emblazoned with the words, "TOP SECRET.

Carly spoke aloud as they worked, both to confirm the process and double-check their work. "Okay, so today in June 4th, so that means, page.. 782,497.

"I checked the thermometer earlier, and it's 20 degree's Celsius." Sonny informed her.

"Okay, so the planets rotation, divided by the date, plus the temperature-" They marked their papers, and Sonny punched numbers into the calculator. "Did you check to see how many eggs are in the building?" Carly asked him.

"I think the nun said 63." Sonny said distractedly, busily formulating a graph.

"Alright, so 63, times the square root of the number of, " she checked the book, "YOUR children.. Well how can I do that?" She yelled at the book, "that number increases exponentially- I'm not even supposed to KNOW how many children he has.

Sonny looked over the code, then said reassuringly, "No, look, you can also use cosign plus wavelength.

"Oh, you're right. Thanks. What answer did you get for part 17?

"Yellow.

"Thank you.. So, yellow plus cosign plus wavelength, equals the left side of the triangle.." There was a long silence as they both worked. "I have the word ÔMIMOSA',

"Me too." Sonny confirmed.

"Okay, so using the standard letter switch, we have ÔOROMHZ' and if we plug that back into the triangle and add the redux letter values of ÔFRISBEE'.. then the other reason you might want to return to Port Charles is.." They made notations on their index cards, then packed up all their supplies, and stood up.

Sonny brushed some lint off his pants, and asked, "you ready?

"Yup, you?" He nodded, and Carly yelled, "You just want to return to check on your mistress!

O O O

Jason stared at Sam. "You did what?

"I lied, I'm still preggers. I just wanted you and Sonny to stop pestering me with all your unreasonable demands, like: "eat well," and "let us take care of you." So I made you feel unbearably guilty at the thought that I had lost my baby. But now I feel vague twinges and I've got to get to a hospital immediately. It's so hard to be me.

"Not as hard as it is to be me," Jason stated. "After all, I have to get married to a beautiful woman, take care of her baby, which will see me as a father, just like I wanted, and earn the gratitude of Sonny. That is, until I inevitably fall in love with you, ruin my friendship with Sonny, and lose another son to him. Afterwards, we shall all be bitter and hurt, sure we don't want to love again, until someone gets shot at or bombed, and we'll realize how precious life is, for a week or so." He paused. "Wow, do you think I might be psychic or something?" Sam licked her lips. "See, I intuitively know you're thirsty, here, have some water.

"I'll get it!" She snapped. "Damn it Jason! I am an independent woman who needs no man to help her! Fine, give me water, but it doesn't mean I need you- oh, could I have a lemon in it- because I don't. I'm self-sufficient, and I can take care of myself- ice, Jason, ice, and a little umbrella. So don't get used to having me around, cause I could leave at any minute.

Jason handed Sam her water, which looked more like a tropical drink. "Sure Sam. Whatever. Listen, I'm going to go to the bathroom, and/or make a business phone call. I'll be back.

As the door closed behind him he heard Sam call out, " No. Jason, don't leeeeeaaaavvvvvveeee me!

But he ignored it. Pulling out his cell phone (despite the fact that it was a hospital, and it might interfere with important processes, and there were signs everywhere saying, "no cell phones,") he punched in Emily's number.

"Hello?" His sister answered.

"It's Jason, how are you today?" He asked.

"I'm fine. It's the weirdest thing. I keep seeing this man who reminds me of Nikolas." Her voice quavered. Jason pinched the bridge of his nose, praying she wasn't about to start going on about their undying love again. As far as he was concerned, it wasn't undying. Nikolas was dead, wasn't he? But maybe he was being too literal again. "It's just," she went on, "that our love was undying, eternal, forever, immortal, passionate, etc, etc, etc, and I cannot believe he is dead. Not when I still feel him.

"Say, Emily, I have to go.. um.. sacrifice myself on the alter of Michael. I'll call you later, okay?

"Sure Jason. Weep to you then." They hung up. Emily craned her neck around the corner, watching the man who reminded her of Nikolas. He stood in plain sight, with the same build as her fiancZe, the same hair, the same profile. There was a giant, pulsating, pink sign above him saying "NIKOLAS!" and a flashing green arrow pointed to the man's head. "Hmmm.." She said, "I wonder why he reminds me so much of Nikolas. "OH!" she remembered, "I'm baking brownies, and they might burn! I have to rush of and get them from the oven." She briefly pondered whether solving the mystery of whether or not this was her presumed dead love, or fetching baked goods was more important, but knew in her heart she could not let the brownies get crispy.

As Emily left, Mary coincidentally arrived. Looping arms with ÔConner,' she marveled how this man, who looked so much like her dead husband had come into her life. Clearly he wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box, but he was sweet, and she had decided to keep him. Conner dropped a kiss on her cheek. Boy did he love Mary. So kind, so thoughtful, so honest. Every time it turned out she had been keeping something from him, she came right out and told the truth. Like when she had told him that they were a blissfully happy couple, but then confessed that, in fact, he may have learned to speak Spanish fluently without telling her. That took guts. And how everything they had owned together had been burned in a fire. Or something. It was a good thing he had a wife who knew better than to take him into the hospital when he had a bleeding head wound, because he was a deserter and all. Who the army thought was dead. But he couldn't travel because they might see him. He sighed and looked at her lovingly.

Alcazar strolled up, "Hey, you crazy kids." He chuckled to himself. Crazy indeed. He was so glad that he got to be a pivotal plot point in their little tale, since stalking Carly wasn't going anywhere, and his niece had vanished (he was sure she was fine). Keeping Mary's secret for no apparent reason sure was satisfying. After they exchanged small talk, Alcazar continued walking along the docks. He came across Faith, who was filing her nails.

"Oh good" she said, seeing him. "I was about to come find you.

"What can I do for you Faith?

"Well, it's been nearly three hours since we talked last, and I needed to make more ineffectual, pointless threats. I have a schedule to keep you know. If you don't do as I ask, I will find you and make more threats. And that's not a threat, it's a promise.

Alcazar looked scared. "What is it you want, Faith?

"Don't you know?" She said, angrily.

"No.

"Oh." She thought for a minute, confusion etched at her brow. "See, I was hoping you had written it down. Uh," she fumbled through her purse, speaking under her breath. "I'm sure it's in here somewhere..

"Look Faith, why don't you tell me at our next session." He glanced at his watch, "Is three pm good for you?

She sighed with relief. "That'll be fine. I'll see you then." She sat down and started filing her nails again. It was another hour before she had to go threaten Jason, and she might as well have pretty hands when she went to the hospital. In case she ran into Justus- the legal guy. She thought they were having a thing. But she wasn't sure.

As she sat there, Courtney's voice floated down from Kelly's. Faith shuddered. Now there was a piece of work.

"Jax!" Courtney tittered, "I'm not going to sleep with you, you big hunk of Australian man!

"But why not?" He fluttered his eyelashes at her, "I'm a big hunk of Australian man! How can you resist me?

"For my morals! I'm still in love with Jason, after all." A single tear ran from her eye, and a violin played mournfully in the background.

"Your morals?" Jax was perplexed.

"Yes, Jax, my morals. I'm a very moral person you know. I'm written that way. I've even started a charity with my newfound wealth. For the orphans. Since I care so deeply. I'm stunned that there seems to be such a strong public perception of me being connected to the mob though. I don't know where they get that from." Her pretty eyes sparkled as light bounced off the back wall of her skull.

"How bout I lend my name to your charity, to lend it credibility? I'm sure the fall I took for my brother for money laundering wont be an issue." Jax offered, as he winked at his reflection in the window of Kelly's, and flashed his trademark smile.

She nearly swooned with delight. ÔOh would you, Jax? The orphans would be so grateful!

"Sure. I'll even donate money to the cause. Ten MILLION dollars.. If you can resist the INCREDABLE urge not to screw me for three months." He raised an eyebrow diabolically.

"But Jax! How cruel. You know I'll never be able to resist you for so LONG. I mean, Ten Million Dollars (TMD) is a lot of money, but the chance to sleep with you.. It's just too hard. Even though I know that the needy little orphans in grave need of TMD, and TMD could help so many, I know sex with you would completely be worth TMD! Oh the dilemma, the cruel, cruel dilemma!

"Champagne?" He asked, whisking a bottle out of some shrubbery.

Next Time, On General Hospital

See Sonny and Carly fight to decipher more of the Code, and figure out how they feel!

Will Emily find Nikolas? Will he remember his murderous past, heavy debt load, familial obligation and return to her?

Could Sam and Jason be more annoying together? Watch and find out!