Chapter 1: Gandalf's Return, Bilbo's End

It was early spring in the Village of the Shire. Young Frodo Faggin's was sitting in the damp grass reading the spring issue of 'Martha Stewart Living' when he heard a cart coming down the dirt road. He walked over to see who it was and when he looked he let out a loud yelp.

"Gandalf!" Screamed Frodo. He ran to the carriage and jumped into Gandalf's arms. Gandalf held Frodo until he was blue in the face.

"So...soft...." Said Gandalf with a sadistic sounding voice.

"What?!" Frodo asked, a bit nervous.

"Oh...nothing, I said...so long...since I've been here..." Gandalf said, red in the face. "Anyways, Is Bilbo still living in the same house?" He asked.

"Yes, he's still there, planning his one hundred and eleventieth and one third birthday."

"While I guess I'll have to pay him a visit." Replied Gandalf.

After Frodo showed Gandalf around the town, Gandalf headed up to Bilbo's. He walked up the steps to the small door, and hit it with a loud knock.

"No Visitors!" Bilbo screamed. Gandalf made a quiet laugh and knocked again.

"Alright, Who the hell is that! I have a loaded AK 47, and I'll blow you're fucking head off!" Gandalf was a bit surprised that Bilbo could get so mad at his old age, so he just said

"How about a visit from an old.... Special...friend." There was a few seconds of silence. Then Bilbo slowly opened the door.

"Gandy!" Yelled Bilbo and he jumped onto him and gave him a huge hug.

"Have you been working out?" Asked Gandalf. "Well, actually, I have increased my 3 pushups to 5."

"That's hot." Gandalf replied with a wink. There was an odd silence.

"Wanna come in?" Bilbo asked, a bit seductively.

"Yes of course, that's why I'm here." Gandalf replied, sounding very serious. He then walked through the small door.

After Bilbo made tea and crumpets, Gandalf asked him to sit down.

"Oh goodie!!" Bilbo said delightfully, running to Gandalf's lap.

"No Bilbo!" Gandalf screamed, kicking him off his lap. "There's someone else..."

"Oh, I can go for a threesome." Bilbo replied. "No Bilbo, I'm trying to say....we're through, I met someone else, his name is Greg., and he's more my.....height"

"So...it's over"

"Yes, I'm afraid so, we can still be friends, oh, and I bought you this ring, it's called 'The one ring' unless you don't want it."

"Dammit, I've been through everything with you, all those runs through the park, sitting under the moonlight listening to Celine Dion! Does that mean nothing to you!" There was a long silence, until Bilbo finally stood up "Fine....I guess I'll go on an adventure.....into the hills to live with the hermits."

"Why?" asked Gandalf

"I don't know, but it's something I must do" replied Bilbo.

"When will you leave?" Asked Gandalf.

"Well, after I get smashed, Have sex with some drunk chick, and smoke it up with my homies, I'll leave during my speech...with magic!"