Author's Note:
I Do Not Own Anything.
This is a Fanfic about Inuyasha coping with himself and his thoughts after he returns Kagome to her family when the Shikon Jewel is destroyed.
This chapter is purely Inuyasha's thoughts. Dialogue and action will follow in the coming chapters.
Rated T, but future Lemons will change it to M. (INUKAG)
(If you haven't seen the end, you will not understand this FanFic. Go watch all 26 episodes of "The Final Act" for free on Hulu. Doooo it.)
UPDATE 8/2/10: This story was recently MOVED from the account "SitBoy813" to this account (WrittenxRelease). The author has NOT changed. Please do not flame either account because the story is "stolen." This message will be removed when the story is removed from the other account. Thank you. –Dana
Chapter One:
Spelling Out Thoughts
Naraku was really gone. Really, really gone. Defeated, finished, destroyed, banished, conquered, shattered… Gone.
Kikyo could rest her soul.
Miroku could live a life that he was not afraid of.
Sango and Kohaku could be family again.
Kagome could… live her own life.
And I?
What have I gained?
Knowledge, happiness, experience…
I have learned to be kind and considerate of others.
I have learned to smile and be thankful to others.
I have learned that you are not always the most important thing in the world… There are others…
Did I learn all of this from defeating Naraku? No, that was a stupid question. The only thing I learned from him is that the human heart is a fragile thing, which can seek the deepest of revenges to heal itself.
My revenge, as well as the others', was accomplished.
And yet… I don't feel healed.
Why?
I knew why, I just didn't want to admit it.
I let her go.
I had left Kagome with her family that day. I left her. Not out of anger, or frustration, no.
Out of consideration. I left her because she loved others.
Not just me.
I knew Kagome loved me. I knew she did since she brought me back from my other half. When I threw Tetsusaiga away, and resorted to my demon heart to help me fight. When she risked her life to save my soul, I knew.
I know what it is like to put your life on the line for the sake of someone else's. I knew what it was like to know that the survival of the other is more important than any hell I could go through. I'd done it for her. And Kikyo.
Even though I knew, I'd never been able to do anything about it.
And when Kikyo died, I knew I made the right choice (Not about which girl to choose, no. They aren't prizes.) About keeping my mouth shut all this time. I know she saw me cry for her. Had I told her I felt the same way, seeing me cry for Kikyo would have crushed her. And me.
But now, with no Kikyo to feel guilty for and mourn over, and no Kagome to keep me distracted – No. I shouldn't say that. Kagome was not a distraction. In the beginning she was. But then I saw her for herself, and not for who she looked like. With no Kagome to live for, is what I should have said. Because now, I am empty. Fighting demons doesn't even keep me occupied anymore. It's just… another day.
Another day without Kagome.
That was the only conclusion I could reach to explain my emptiness. I needed Kagome.
It has been three years. To the day. Sango and Miroku have a happy family together. Rin has grown with Lady Kaede, learning with her. Kohaku is training to help others plagued by demons.
And I…
I have nothing.
I have this diary. And that is all.
Miroku gave me this about a week after Kagome left. He told me it would help, that if I could put it all down into words, sorting my thoughts would make them easier to deal with.
And then I shamefully told him I didn't know how to write. He laughed and said, "I know. I will teach you."
He has taught me well. Language has taught me how to sound more mature, although I do not behave the same. Rin says I speak like Lord Sesshomarou, and as bittersweet as that sounds, I am proud of myself for at least sounding competent. I regret talking around Rin though. I can tell it makes her miss him. I'm looser around her, for her sake.
And Miroku was right. It has been easier to deal with my loss of you (Keh, look at me. Saying that I'm okay with losing her, while I every once in a while, my writing will slip to pretend that I'm talking to her.).
It has been easier to deal with my loss of her. My thoughts have been laid out in this book for three years. The first few months were hard, and I couldn't write her name without the strongest emotions surging inside of me. If she ever read this book, she'd... Nevermind.
I am okay now, I can write her name, and about her, and what I miss about her, and how badly I wish I could see her, just one more time.
I almost hate myself for abandoning her in her era. Okay, I do hate myself. I just as easily could've brought her back here. And just as I have been able to cope without her, she would have been able to cope without her family.
But I couldn't do that. If I really, truly loved her, I would choose the best for her.
And I did love her. I can admit that to myself now.
I have written every day in this diary, and on every third day, I go to the well and inspect it for any sign of her or the passage through time. And when there isn't one, which is always, I sit against the well and I write how much I miss her and love her. And I put my thoughts on paper, as Master Miroku has told me to. It does help my mind, but it will not cure it. Only she can.
Every day, I write in this diary. And every day I vow to see you again, no matter how long it takes.
Review please. I reply to all reviews. Any ideas, comments, errors? Let me know.
-Dana