I do not own the 50 shades trilogy or any of the characters. This story is not related to my other fanfiction.

I have revised the characters for this story for the purpose of plot development. Phoebe will be included in the later chapters, for now, Teddy is an only child. Don't fret: the intended plot is still the same. Thank you.

"Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land"
― Pablo Neruda, Selected Poems

Chapter I

Ana POV

According to the rules set by other people to define our meager lives, there ought to be sunshine, there ought to be rain. Perhaps, I've exhausted the sunniest of days when the higher powers decided to give me a husband, amass wealth and nurture a child in less than a year. It is an uncommon trajectory for those who understand how gratification works. So now, I get my fair share of rain, ironic for someone who lives in Seattle. Rain. I'm drenched under the rain. And I don't even have an umbrella...

"Mommy, he's here," my little boy whispers to my ear as he continues to tug on my sun dress.

"I know," I whisper back, before I kiss the tiny freckles on his nose. He responds my giving me a sloppy kiss on the lips. "My sweet little angel," I take his face in my hand, studying it closely. My, my... This three year old boy is the exact replica of his father.

"Will you promise to be nice to Daddy, Mommy?" He asks, his face sullen.

My heart breaks everytime Teddy reminds me that Mommy and Daddy don't live together anymore. The fact that he's a smart boy and is aware of our troubles pains me greatly. No child should feel this way, but then, in the grand scheme of things, it was for the best.

I hold out my pinky, and Teddy follows suit. "I promise," I say with conviction.

It's Christmas morning, Teddy's favourite time of the year, naturally, being our number one priority, Christian and I decide, after all the bickering, that we'd spend it together. We aren't really in good terms - Christian and I. When he decided to find seclusion in Escala, there wasn't any discussion. All there was a paper that I had placed under his home office door. It was enough to send him voluntarily packing, with no arguement whatsoever, a far cry from what our lives have been a year ago.

We still live in the house by the sound, as per Christian's only request apart from his visitation rights. It's safe here with all our CPOs and household help. Plus, Teddy loves it here. Somehow, it takes me back to the time when Christian had feigned the absence of his baggage and how wonderful it was.

I look at my face in the mirror once more. Devoid of make-up, I look like a ghost of who I was after Christian married me. I wasn't Anastasia who wore designer clothing or who had all the luxuries in the world. I am dowdy, motherly Anastasia once more. "Do I look okay, Teddy?"

Teddy squints his eyes and closes in on me, pretending to scan my entire face. "Beautiful, mommy!" He exclaims and leaps into my arms. That's the only compliment I'd want to hear. "Can we see, Daddy now?"

"Give mommy a few more -"

"No!" He moves away from my hold. He crosses his little arms and scowls at me, like the little CEO of GEH that he is. Apart of me wants to laugh, and imagine Christian's reaction when he sees Teddy copying his mannerisms. I shake my head at the thought.

"Did you just roll your eyes at me, Mrs. Mommy?" His hands are now on his hips, and is pouting too.

"No, I did not."

"Yes you did. That's not nice." Now he's the one rolling his eyes, rather exaggeratedly too.

"Oh come on now, I was only teasing you." I pull him on my lap and inhale the scent of my darling boy.

It smells of morning dew, jasmine and love. "What's your Christmas wish, my love?"

He wiggles his cute nose and looks further right, pondering. "If I tell you, it won't come true."

"But I promise not to tell anyone."

"No." He pretends to zip his mouth and pouts. My funny little man, mommy's sunshine.

I hold him closer to me, feeling his silky, chubby skin wrapped in mine. I love this boy with all of me. He will only know of love and kindness.

"Teddy, do you promise to love Mommy forever?"

"Uh-huh. Mommy and Daddy and Papa and Nana and Aunt Kitty and Aunt Mimi and Uncu Lelliot and Ava and Gampa and Gamma and Mr. Tay-or and Gail and Soee and everybody!" He holds his chest and takes a deep breath dramatically, pretending to be exhausted after practically naming everyone he knows.

Moments like this make me want to cry. A part of me is overjoyed that Teddy is loved and cared for by a lot of people. But it breaks my heart knowing that this perfect child does not deserve Christian and myself.

"Mommy. I want to see Daddy," he admits. I don't know if I want to see his father or be anywhere around him. Not now. Not yet.

"Okay," I force myself to say.

Not a moment later, Teddy jumps around, pulls me up and escorts me out of the room. My heart feels like it wants to tear my chest and escape. Visually, I feel like walking in a kaleidoscope. The distance from the bedroom to the stairs seem to take forever as well.

Upon reaching the topmost step, I see him, standing at the bottom of the stairwell, my Fifty. He looks up at smiles at me, but it doesn't even reach his eyes. He looks like he's aged 10 years - the lines on his forehead is visible as well as the bags under his eyes. But he's still the gorgeous man I married, but is now just a shell of the man I love. As am I.

Christian. My lovable, kind, generous... shit, I should stop this. I replace the thoughts with the things I usually allow myself to think. Honest, unbiased and fair thoughts: My overbearing, overacting, overprotective spouse is over there. Is he here to break my heart into pieces once more?

The last time I saw him was at the hospital a few months ago. He had been drinking and found himself being side swept by a car. He didn't shave for a while, and for the first month of our separation, he didn't go to work. When Teddy started visiting him regularly at work, from pre-school, he cleaned up his act and is now back to who he was before. Then again, there were many Christian Greys of yesteryears - the control freak before I met him, the obsessive megalomanic before we married, the loving and kind husband after we married and the demon after he finally met his father. Somehow, I was left to deal with all of them, until I have exhausted all my love, understanding and patience.

I slowly descend the stairs, with eyes still locked with my husband. It's like as he still controls my body and can make it bend to his will. Teddy jumps on his father's waiting arms, making my heart squeeze, and halt my descent. Christian kisses him multiple times before he buries his head on his father's shoulder.

"Daddy!" Teddy says with fervour. Christian hugs him tightly and fiercely. His eyes are shut as he continues kissing Teddy's hair. "Merry Kiss-mass, Daddy," he says as he kisses Christian's nose. "I miss you," then proceeds to peck his cheek." I love you," and kisses Daddy on the lips.

"Merry Christmas, my son," he says as his voice breaks a little. For all his transgressions, no one can argue that Christian Grey is a great father, especially now. Teddy owns him - his schedule, and presently, his life, revolves around his son. Taylor once told me that Escala is practically Teddy's playground, and Christian prefers it to be that way.

His eyes open and shoots straight to mine - sadness, remorse and pity are visible in his eyes. "I love you," he says, making my stomach churn. I know it was meant for me, but I can't even bring myself to respond. He lets Teddy down, and my son excitedly motions for me to come down the stairs.

Christian glances up at me. I can feel a surge of electricity when his gray eyes meet mine, and I am certain that he feels it too. The world stops and everything seems to disappear, somehow it feels like it's only him and I, in our own little bubble.

"Mommy promise to be nice."

"Did she now?" He looks at me warmly, and it makes me blush instantly. I hate it when my husband has this effect on me.

We just stare at each other, he smiles at me, and I just look at him indifferently. I know he's trying to make an effort, I just don't want to lead him on.

Teddy starts pulling Christian's shirt. "Why don't you kiss mommy? You kiss everybody."

Everybody? What does Teddy mean by that? If I felt uncomfortable a while ago, I feel like I'm going to faint soon. I instantly feel dizzy yet immobile, with tears threatening to trickle my eyes. Has he found someone new?

"I don't kiss everybody. I only kiss your Nana Grace and Aunt Mimi." Christian sounds defensive and I don't know if I believe him. "That's only two women." I look at Christian who shakes his head. Somehow I believe him. I've always known him to be faithful.

Teddy pretends to count with his fingers. "One," he says as he raises his index finger. "Two," and the middle finger. "Nana, Aunt Mimi and Mommy."

Oh God. Now I am turning red. Looking at Christian, it seems like he's looking for the right words but is also dumfounded and speechless like me.

"You said mommy gives the best kisses!" Teddy points to his father who is now gaping at him. "You told me!" Teddy jumps around laughing, like he's too happy to reveal a big secret.

"Let's grab brunch, shall we?" I ease the tension by holding Ted's hand and pulling him towards the dining area, as does Christian beside him.

Christmas this year has been a modest affair. At first, I wanted to go to Montesano so Teddy and I could spend Christmas with Ray. However, Teddy threw a fit. He wants to be with his Daddy this Christmas, who would deny him that? He's already noticed the lack of 'holiday spirit'. In the past years, we'd turn our house into winter wonderland - lights dangling from every tree along driveway, reindeer figures outside of our house, snow-crested windows and turning our interiors into Santa's little workshop. There would a huge banquet that filled our table on Christmas eve and both sides of families would be here.

This year is different. We only have a sparsely-decoreted tree and a few mistletoes hanging here and there, just so we could indulge Teddy. He outwardly complained to his Dad that Escala didn't look Christmas-y, so Christian, despite living alone, set up a huge tree filled with Teddy bears. Unlike the past years, there'd be at least fifteen people here. Now there are only three.

Brunch was a quiet event. Teddy was too busy eating his food and Christian and I, well, we were busy ignoring each other. I've seen him steal glances here and there, and I think I may have smiled at him. All was calm in the war front until Teddy said that I had made the chocolate cake especially for his father. Through my peripheral vision, I see Christian closing his eyes with a pained expression, and for a moment, I pitied him.

After eating, we have commenced celebrations in the large sitting room, where our tree stands proudly. The three of us sit on a rug, with Teddy in between. He starts singing the chorus' of various christmas songs which he may not get right, but it's still adorable to listen to. Christian pretends to sing along and it gets Teddy laughing. Moments like this make me miss him. I shake my head at the thought. No Ana, you will not be emotionally manipulated like this again.

Teddy scoots closer to Christian and somehow ends up sitting on Daddy's lap, which means there's quite a gap between Christian and I.

"Cuddle, mommy?" Teddy says, his eyes pleading.

Shit. I stare at the space between his father and I. Maybe I should just get a throwpillow. Christian just looks at me, and doesn't egg me on. I don't move, hoping Teddy won't force the issue.

Christian might've understood my apprehension as he tells Teddy that he could open his first present. His eyes widen and jumps straight out of his father's lap. He examines every gift by shaking and listening to the sound they make. His brows are furrowed and his tiny hand rubs his jaw and taps his feet. He has received twelve presents this year, half of which are from either mommy or daddy.

"Our son is very much like you," I tell Christian. I have to talk to the man who fathered my child someday, right?

He looks at me, surprised that I am even talking to him. "Yes," came his genial reply. He doesn't take my eyes off me, as if talking to him just gave him license to ogle. "But inside he's just like you... Perfect."

We've turned our attention to Teddy, who is still comparatively weighing his gifts and scratching his head in confusion.

"Thank you Ana," Christian says, not taking his eyes off his boy. "He is a gift I can never repay you for."

I just nod, not wanting to converse with him longer.

"This one!" He screams, carrying the present and sitting down between us once more.

"Read the tag, Teddy," I order him. He grins at me and hands me present, non-verbally asking me to read it for him.

I start reading the tag, it's from Christian.

To our Theodore,

You are the best parts of your mother and I.

Thank you bringing back the light in my darkest of days.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I love you more than I can ever say.

x Daddy

I am fighting the urge to cry. I feel confused, angry and guilty at the same. Confused for still loving the man who has hurt me deeply and is seemingly a changed man. Angry at the same man for throwing away what we had, crushing my heart and destroying my son's chance of having a real family. Lastly, I am guilty but I know I shouldn't be. I am so tired of fighting, of hurting, of begging this man to let me in.

Ted opens the gift and sees a plush airplane toy with "Theodore Grey Enterprises and Holdings" written on it.

"It's a toy for now, but it could become real when you become a big boy," his father says to him.

Teddy cluches the toy tightly as he jumps up and down in excitement. "Big boy plane!" He shouts repeatedly. "Mommy! I get a big boy plane!"

Don't make promises you can't keep, Christian Grey.

By the time Teddy finishes all his presents, he is happy as a bird, yet dead tired after all the jumping and yelling in excitement. He places his head on his father's lap, and his feet in mine.

"Thank you mommy and daddy," he says, like a well-mannered that he is. "Daddy," he says, looking up at his father.

Christian lovingly strokes his son's copper hair and gives him a peck on the forehead. "Yes?"

"I ask Santa if you can live with me and mommy."

My heart breaks into a million pieces and left stupefied. How do we respond to that? 'Well Teddy, Mommy decided that Daddy wasn't being nice anymore so she kicked him out and now we're legally separated'. This boy is intelligent, empathetic and pure, and we've just tainted that.

"I'll tell you what, what if we go on the boat on the 27th? Do you like that?" Christian asks whilst cupping his cheeks.

Teddy nods excitedly. "Daddy's boat!"

"You mean Daddy and Teddy's boat," Christian responds enthusiastically, making Teddy grin even wider.

"Can we bring mommy too?"

"If she wants to come, why not?"

No. No way. I'm sorry Teddy, I love you with all my heart but please do not do this to me.

I pretend to think by looking the other way, whilst rubbing my chin, but in truth, there is no way in hell I am going to be confined in a small space with Christian Grey. Especially because I am fully aware that I can't swim away from him.

"Why don't you and your daddy go without me, Ted?

Teddy immediately slumps and glares at me with my eyes, and Christian Grey's face. "Not fair! It won't be family!" Teddy whines. He looks up to Christian and puts his arms around his father's waist. "Ava is always with her mommy and daddy."

I am filled with guilt as those words come out of my son's mouth. I know he's affected, but I hope that one day they'll accept that we're not like other mommies and daddies.

"I know, baby, I'm sorry." I caress my son's arm, hoping to give him a little comfort.

"Then we won't go if you won't," Christian says, not even looking at me.

"No, don't do that to yourselves. You can go," I say, trying to pacify the situation.

"No, it won't be family!" Teddy exclaims. His face is buried on his father's side. "I want my mommy and daddy."

Christian and I look at each other, knowing full well that our kids don't understand what we're going through. There is guilt and sorrow and his eyes.

"Tell you what, it's just going to be a father and son day out and mommy can join us next time." Oh Christian Grey, ever the expert negotiator.

Teddy looks at his father, then at me. He huffs and rubs his eyes. "Okay."

At this moment, I want to give my husband a fist-bump, chest bump and a high five... but we're just not on that level yet.

Our son lies back down on his father's lap, seemingly tired from today's mundane festivities.

"Are you tired, Teddy?" Christian asks.

Ted nods and closes his eyes. His chest starts to move in a rhythmic up and down motion, signalling that he has dozed off.

Now that Teddy is asleep, the tension seems to be more palpable than ever. I look at my husband who's stroking Teddy's head and gazing at him lovingly. Not a second later, he's eyes are on mine, and they are now cold and distant, as if the life has been sucked out of him.

"How are you?" He asks in a low voice.

It would be embarrassing and immature for me to not reply, but honestly do not want to engage in a conversation. "I'm well," I answer briefly.

"You lost weight," he says as he assesses my body, looking at me, and seemingly drinking from the sight of me. I have the urge to cover, but I don't budge. He doesn't haven't the gall to harm me, not anymore and I'm sure of it.

"I've been busy with work and Ted. How about you?"

"What about me?" He eyes me cautiously.

"How are you?"

He huffs. "Coping. Thanks to this little one." He hunches down and gives Ted a quick kiss on the forehead, making his son stir. "Should we put him to bed?"

"Just put him on the couch. He'll be up in a little while."

Christian carries Teddy and places him on the couch before slouching down and kissing his cute face. "I love you," he then whispers.

We're just standing here, not even looking at each other, our arms both crossed. He seems to be checking out the the ceiling, while I glance down the floor.

"About your present," he starts.

Oh God. He's gotten me a present? Now I am seriously curious of his agenda. I don't think it's appropriate to give present to the woman whose heart you trampled repeatedly.

"Christian you don't -"

"No, no, let me." He takes something out of his backpocket and reveals a letter envelope.

"Take it."

Naturally, as someone who distrusts her husband, I hesitate taking it. Christian must've sense my apprehension as he extends his hand for me to take it.

"It's just a letter. For Teddy," he explains.

"Why?" I inquire. It's not like Teddy can read.

"I need to discuss something with you but not with Ted around." So you give him a letter? Knowing I'll be the one to read it anyway? How sly... and typical.

I nod and proceed to the foyer, away from Ted, intending for Christian to follow. I feel the electricity between us, I'm sure he feels it too.

"Before I give this to you, I need for us to talk." he says. Oh blackmail! I should've known this conversation would lead to a manipulation of some sort.

"Then talk," I say, crossing my arms and glaring at him.

"Ana, if you're repulsed by me, please don't take it out on Teddy," he says contritely. Repulsed eh?

I look down, not knowing what to say. I don't think repulsed is the right word. Awkward is more like it.

"If you don't want me here..."

"No, Teddy wants you here." I say in a low voice, still with my head bowing down. After all, the only reason he is here is because of Ted. If I am to frank, I would want him on the opposite side of town... or the country.

He snorts. "Just Teddy?" Christian moves closer toward me inch by inch, and he gazes at my face intently. "How about you, Ana? Do you want me here?" He moves closer and closer to me. I close my arms and look away, conveying my disinterest.

"I don't know," I say honestly.

"It's a yes or no question, Anastasia," he says demandingly.

I look up at him and see his sad gray eyes. His hand starts to outline my jaw, and the feeling leaves me reeling. I conjure up some courage for myself and swat his hand away. He tenses, and his eyes close, knowing what I am trying to say through my actions.

It takes quite a while for me to answer. "I'm sorry," I whisper.

He straightens his position and runs his fingers through his hair. "Okay," he whispers. He stalks away from me, closing in on the door.

"Are you leaving?" I ask, turning to his direction.

"It's not like I'm welcomed here anyway," he replies, not looking back.

"Christian, Teddy!" I remind him. I pull his arm, and suddenly a bolt of electricity flows through me. After all this time, it's still there.

He puts his hand over mine and slowly caresses it. "I'll ask Taylor to take him to Escala on the 27th."

I pull my hand from his touch. "Christian, don't be like that. Teddy wants you here. You're always on his mind, you know that."

Even though they see each other almost everyday, seeing Christian is such a moment for Teddy. He looks up to him.

My husband turns his head to the side, but remains still from where he stand. "You should've thought of them before you did all this then," he says bluntly. His voice is now cold, and seemingly angry.

Did I just hear it right? I am quite taken aback by his statement. How dare he say that I didn't even consider the welfare of my own child! Is he insinuating that I am a selfish mother who only thinks about herself? Need I remind him of our relationship began and the amount of compromise I had to give on my part?

"And you're blaming me?" I am very hurt by his accusation.

He turns around and gives a cold look. "Yes."

His piercing gray eyes meet mine, and I can feel his sorrow even from a few meters away. However, I will not be sidetracked by his feigning of grief. His words are very offensive.

"That's very self righteous of you Christian. I dare say you better look at yourself first."

He snorts. "I have Ana, plus I do regular visits to Dr. Flynn. Self introspection works for me now."

"And you've come up with the conclusion that I am selfish?" I shout, my voice showing my anger.

"I did not say that." he replies coolly. "You made choices that ruined us."

"What the fuck?!" How dare he put the blame on me. "You're an obtuse, arrogant, bastard, Christian Grey."

"Your words are scathing, but I thought you've figured out the bastard part years ago?"

I am stunned by his premise! I did not go against his back! It was obvious that our marriage was doomed and going down the drain! And it's all because of him! How come he doesn't see it?

"Oh don't you tell me you didn't see it coming?" I yell again. My hands are on my sides, clenching in anger.

"Honestly, no," he says in a casual manner.

"The signs were there, you asshole!" 1-2 punch. I hope to knock him out by the end of this argument. "If you weren't too busy putting up a mountain of lies, you would've seen it."

"I'm sorry Ana, but having sex with your husband before going to a lawyer didn't give it away."

My face is now swelling with anger. A part of me wants to slap him and punch him. I cannot believe he's that stupid to not see his own conspicuous faults. And he's even passing in onto me? Haven't I suffered enough?

"What do you have to say for yourself, Ms. Steele?" He says in a smug manner.

If he keeps this up, I will get a divorce and give him the pleasure of calling me Ms. Steele once more. I am so close to running to him and give him a piece of my north paw. I keep still, trying my best to be the adult in this relationship. This failed relationship.

"I thought so." He grins, as if claiming victory.

Oh how I want to unleash my rant of detestation toward him! My anger as big as his ego right now – yes, that big!

However, I am reminded by my conscience to not say things out of anger. I must think of Teddy who's only one room away. Perhaps I should introduce this form of discernment to my husband...

"You better leave," I say with much coldness and anger.

He sighs, but puts a sarcastic smile on his face. "I'm used to you saying that, Ana."

"Good for you Christian. I don't tire reminding you." Take that you prick!

He chuckles. "Goodluck explaining our living conditions to Teddy, Anastasia. Lord knows, you're the only functioning parent around here," he says in a sardonic manner.

I gawk at him. His accusations are wounding. I really cannot begin to fathom how strongly I feel about him right now.

"You enjoy wounding me, don't you Christian Grey?"

He walks back to me in his arrogant Fifty demeanour. Rather than pushing him away and losing my poise, I try to hold my ground and give him a glare.

We're now face to face, only a few inches apart. He whose body language is cold, but eyes that betray him, revealing his sadness. And I, who's trying to hold her very best against him.

"I don't want to get tired of fighting for you," he whispers. I am left in shock by his revelation.

What does he mean? Fighting for you or against you? Because his choice of words were very derogatory.

"In my heart, I still want it to be you."

His eyes soften, and I feel my anger ebb away.

"I feel scared that one day I might give up, that I may learn to live without you," he says truthfully, his eyes are still locked with mine.

A sudden pang of fear engulfs me. My heart rate is now shooting up, I feel dizzy and still. I do not want to know what he is talking about, but deep down I can comprehend, and boy is it a horrific thought. I don't know if I have ever felt like this before. Shit! Why am I scared?

"Are you not scared, Ana?" He asks. He puts a stray of hair on my face behind my ear.

I really am clueless, lost for words. I haven't even thought about moving on nor being back in his arms. I know it will come to that point, but it's so terrifying.

"No," I lie.

Both of his hands are now cupping my face. He closes his eyes and internalizes my rejection. We stand like this for a while, his forehead now pressed to mine.

"Please tell me how you have moved on from this, Anastasia."

I touch his hands that are on my face and caress it. When will I make him understand that this is for the best? I know I have to mature one in this case. "I am not afraid that you might learn to live without me," I speak softly.

He opens his eyes in shock and his jaw tenses, realizing what I just said.

"I should've known," he whispers back.

I feel numb as of the moment. This mix of fear, sadness, confusion, and even guilt is such a hard emotion to figure out.

He kisses my forehead and removes his hand from my face. Moving one step behind, he gives me a curt nod and hands me the envelope again. "This is for Teddy. In case you run out of books to read him at night."

I take the envelope, noticing that my hands are shaking. "Thank you."

"Anastasia, I am leaving for New York after the holidays. Permanently. I thought you might want to know."

My entire body weakens and my head, dizzy. He's leaving us. He's leaving Teddy. He's leaving me. He's running away. He's slipped away from me and I can't even stop it. I don't even want to stop it.

Before he turns the knob, he looks behind and gives me a sad look. "Do you still love me?" He asks, his voice solemn.

I am once again left lost for words. This is a question I refuse to answer.

"I need to know, Ana. If I want to fight for you, I need to know if you still love me."

I cannot seem to answer the question. If I say yes, he might take advantage of that love again, letting me fall into a dark abyss of self destruction, and if I say no, I might lose him forever.

After a full minute of just standing, and being unable to give him an answer, he sighs, breaking our silence. He gives me a single nod and an apologetic smile before he finally turns away and walks out the door.

Just like that, he leaves...

I immediately feel dizzy, falling to the floor, I weep.

The details as to why they parted ways will be tackled in later chapters :)