Full prompt: "...They escalate to increasingly ridiculous schemes to pretend they know what they're doing ("This? Uh, it's the Estonian rules..."). Comedy (and UST) ensue?"

"This," said the mayor, "is your fault."

Inspector Javert was quite sure he was not the one that had been going on and on about the benevolent effects bishops could have on society, but he gritted his teeth. "I don't agree."

"I am not the one the factory employees wanted to show was too fixated on black and white thinking."

"And this is supposed to help?"

"I'm not sure how, but I, at least, am willing to give it a try, and if you don't want to come off as inflexible I strongly suggest you follow suit."

"I would be happy to-ahem-follow your lead."

"Gladly. But since it remains your fault we are in this situation, I will assign you the responsibility for setting up."

"Oh, is this the magnaminous mayor I've heard so much about?"

"I thought it'd be sporting to make sure you have the advantage of a superior initial position."

"How dare you impugn my sportsmanship! I wholly trust your judgment as to initial positions!"

"Very well, then," Madeleine paused. "In the interests of fair play, I will set up your pieces, and you set up mine. Agreed?"

"That seems more than reasonable," Javert hastily agreed, quickly arranging the black pieces in the four by four corner opposite that in which the mayor had set up the white ones.

"I believe you have the advantage of first move?"

"I'll defer it."

"Defer it?"

"Under the Muscovite protocol, I can postpone the first move. You go ahead."

Madeleine wrinkled his eyebrows. "In that case." He slid one of his pieces one square over from the cluster they'd formed, outwarts, disrupting the square.

Javert looked to see what he had directly opposite-a piece of a different height. That wouldn't do at all. Gingerly, he replaced the mayor's piece back on the square to which it had come.

"I say," said the mayor, "that wasn't very progressive."

Javert shrugged helplessly. "Were we assuming the-er-Roman variant? I'd just as soon get this over with, but if I need to make some other move-"

"Oh, you should certainly make some other move, it'll actually help us get this over with."

"I suppose," Javert sighed, replacing the black piece and moving one of his own out.

Madeleine moved another of his pieces to fill the gap left by the first.

Javert reached for the tallest of his, assuming it was likely the most powerful, and decided that if they both wanted a quick resolution, it was time to risk something drastic. He moved it over to the piece the mayor had first moved, and plucked the latter off the board.

Madeleine sighed. "I see you are a superior opponent."

"You might as well concede the victory right away," said Javert, "and then we could go back to the business of managing the city."

"Oh, don't be silly." The mayor moved his piece in the back corner out to the opposite end of the board. "Even a lost cause can be a worthwhile one."

"Well, perhaps you shall overtake me indeed. Then I will happily tender my resignation, rather than prolong this farce." Javert attempted to capture another piece with the same one he'd just used to take the previous. The second piece was shorter than the first. He didn't suppose that mattered.

"Let's try for a little friendly competition, shall we?" One piece slid across a diagonal, leaping over several of its own comrades, as well as Javert's interloper.

"What use do you think I have for a-pair of queens running about and causing havoc?" Javert moved a second piece out of the huddle.

"They are outnumbered by the pawns, who propel society forward. I think." A slide sideways.

"Not once a bunch of them get captured." Another of the mayor's pieces taken off the board.

"Well, the kings are defeated, but never destroyed. I think. Life continues on." Madeleine pushed another piece closer to him.

"So all the movements are futile, if the monarchs can never die?" Javert brought his second attacking piece to stand by the first one.

"Not so!" The mayor moved one of his pieces backwards. "Different-ahem-strategies supersede others, and there's a sense of intellectual progress!"

"Like that strategy?" Another capture.

"Of course. The Liverpudlian Gambit-well, I wouldn't necessarily expect you to be familiar with it, some say it's past its time, but I think it can be effective. On occasion." A small piece skipped diagonally across the board.

"I suppose. Though I'm partial to a more local approach." Javert pushed another small piece two squares out.

"Then you'll be familiar with the French Bypass?" The mayor removed the very piece from the board, while bringing a similarly-shaped one to the adjacent square.

"I say, if you want to capture my piece, go on and shove it aside!" Javert retorted. "None of this dodging around the thing."

"Why, a bit of finesse is called for! If you're going to insist on shoving it out that far!"

Javert blinked down. "If I didn't trust your esteemed reputation, I would suggest you didn't know what you were talking about!"

"If I didn't trust yours," the mayor retorted, "I would have done the same!"

"Shall we call it a draw?"

Madeleine glanced down, analyzing the position thoughtfully. "I think so."

They shook hands on it. The mayor had a strong grip. Well, the thrill of competition did that sometimes.