Britta's POV
Sometimes I really hate Annie.
Yeah, I can hear all of you groaning even from here. I hear groaning so much these days that I've got a groan sense or something.
Okay, that last groan was unfair. At least wait a few minutes until the next one, okay?
Let's get back to the reasons for that first groan. I know the sentiment behind it, and it says "How could anyone hate Annie?" Well, if you hadn't groaned so quickly, I could clarify it. So now that your minds are pre-blown enough for me to start blowing some more, I can go on.
Now then, I don't actually hate Annie. But there are times I really wish I did. And I told you to wait a few minutes before groaning, so you have to hear me out. But you'd rather ignore me and call me the worst again, and that kinda speaks to the problem.
I know I'm supposed to be the worst and a screw up and a buzz kill and the most annoying member of the group. But if I wasn't there, Annie would be the champion on all those things, or at least she should be. Even if I wasn't there, though, she'd probably get a free pass because she's….Annie.
Okay, now I'm cooking with righteous fire, so stay with me and try not to get burned up.
Why am I belittled and mocked for caring about actual important things? Especially while Annie gets a free pass for freaking out even worse about school , grades, and other things that mean nothing compared to real problems? Why am I the buzz kill when she's an even bigger nag than me when it comes to projects and morals and other no fun things? Why am I the screw up when I never almost got us held back for an entire year, kept us all locked up for a day over a pen, went insane over a Model U.N., or helped sabotage a shuttle simulator that we got trapped in? At least I can handle drugs that should be much more legal than Adderall!
Fine, groan away, I'll give you that one for listening this long. Now let's get back to business.
The answers to all those other questions are extremely unfair. Annie gets a pass for all of it because she's young, doesn't know anything in the real world, and was pretty much made up by sexist Disney animators. I mean, have you really seen…..nope, I'll save that one for later. In any case, my original point still stands.
How is it fair that I'm the hated one in the group the more times I mess up, yet she just gets more popular and adorable and sexy to everyone at the same time? It wasn't like that before…..when this group got started, I was the leading female-American and I was the "heart of the group" according to Jeff. She was just the supporting female-American who pined away for Troy and was too buttoned up to do much of anything. Now here she is wearing anti-feminist paintball "clothes" and Santa suits, throwing herself at Jeff and getting to loosen up with Troy and Abed, and it's like I don't exist anymore!
Last time I checked, this group wouldn't exist if Jeff wanted to get into my pants first, in case anyone can still remember! Nope, let's all pat Annie on the head because she's just so cute and lovable, even though she's really no wiser or less naïve than she was two years ago. I mean, you'd think by now she'd learn a few more things and figure out how she's betraying her gender by pandering to boob-obsessed Neanderthals, wouldn't you? Meanwhile, I keep fighting the good fight for female kind and I barely get token last minute credit for my bravery anymore. Heck, I was the last one to get hit by the Glee spell and it was my kick-ass singing that exposed Mr. Rad's killing spree!
But I suppose as long as Annie's parading around in almost nothing anymore, batting the Disney eyes and setting feminism back a few more decades, what does the former heart of the group turned worst human alive matter anymore?
Okay, now who's running away like all those other anti-progressive male-
Wait. Those sounds didn't come from the audience in my head.
Geez, have I been sitting outside the study room and setting the record straight in my brain that long?
Apparently it's long enough for the girl of the hour herself to run back in the room. And judging by those sniffles, another Annie crying spree is right on tap.
Well, might as well see what set her off and will make everyone actually rally around her now.
She probably won't open up if I have that kind of tone, so I'll have to dial it down a little bit out loud. "Annie? What's the matter?" I ask when I get inside the study room. A little high pitched, but otherwise I nailed it.
"Britta! Um, uh, it's nothing, really. Just, uh, can't get an essay right….you know me when I can't work out an essay!" Yes I do, and usually she's carrying around her essay paper and trying to straighten it out after crumbling it up. But all she has is her backpack, and she wouldn't think to hide it there if she was that upset over it….point Britta!
Her eyes are watery, but only a few tears have fallen down so far. I don't even need my half-semester of Psych majoring to recognize that look – not that it wouldn't have made me get it eventually. But studying Annie for over two years – and not in the way that Pierce would suggest – gives me the insight I need.
"Jeff either kissed you, got jealous again or did something to dismiss your feelings for him, didn't he?" The typical Annie gasp after that told me all I needed to know. Typical clockwork Jeff and Annie drama right on cue.
Now keep in mind, I just got done badmouthing Annie for having everything I don't. So you just remember that before you get all Shirley judgy-bee on me!
But I kinda sorta laughed a little bit after figuring it out. Let me finish, bees!
And don't you use your male-centric garbage about how this is all about Jeff and Annie being bigger than Jeff and Britta. That ended months ago and I am all the better for it! What made me laugh is that this is the one thing I still have that I'm undeniably better than her in. Sure, Jeff and Annie have all the actual romance moments, and now they've gone longer with the "will they/won't they" drama. But I'm the only one of us that's actually gotten further than first base with him.
And thanks to Jeff being an in-denial jerk, I'm the only one in the group he doesn't feel guilty and ashamed about making out with. And now that he screwed up again, it's even less likely that she'll beat me out in this too – the one thing she really really wanted to do better than me in.
So that warranted a little three-second chuckle or two, right?
"Britta? What the hell?" Naturally Annie didn't see it that way. But at least I had a good excuse ready, so cut me that much.
"I'm sorry, Annie, but can you really be surprised by now? We both know you're going to get over this, reach out to him again and get dismissed again later! Might as well laugh at it now, right?"
"Don't you think I know that? Do you really think I'm that much of a child to not know that by now, just like Jeff thinks? God, you know what, you really are the-" But she stops before saying the "w" word, as if that's going to do any good now.
"Go on. You were going to say something that starts with a w, right?" I press on, not willing to let her get out of this one.
"I wasn't…..okay, I was, but I didn't mean it! I'm sorry, you just got me mad….but I wasn't going to mean it! I don't think you're that….w word at all!" Oh, so now she's flat out lying on purpose, that's new. Trying new tactics won't fool me, though.
"It's a little late for me to buy that. It's a little late for any of you to try that, really. I'm the worst and you're poor little Annie who's too young and hot and blissfully ignorant to be the worst instead of Britta! That's been the story for about a year-and-a-half now, might as well renew it for all of Season 2!" Okay, I slipped into Abed mode there. Sue me, I'm making a righteous stand here!
"Britta, I don't, I…..oh, I guess that's what I get. My own fault for not speaking up faster…just had to get that screwed up today too!" What new battle plan is this is supposed to be? Oh wait…..kind of said that out loud. Okay then….the rest of the group isn't here to jump on me and keep Annie on her pedestal, so it's still teetering.
"It's not a battle plan, it's the truth! I know you're not the worst, and I really do hate it when they call you that! In fact….almost every time they groan at you or mock you or dismiss you, I really do want to stick up for you and let you talk."
"Almost every time?" I ask, poking the first hole into her web of lies.
"Yeah….I mean, come on, you gotta meet us halfway on some of these things," Annie said as her web got even less tangled. As if injustices could be met halfway; lucky for Annie that line bombed for me when Occupy Greendale went…..unspeakably wrong. I probably can't even say it in my head without the lawyers' permission.
"But that's besides the point, Britta. The point is I've never thought you were the worst, and I shouldn't have tried to say it in anger back there. But it figures I'm too much of a coward to finish saying it, just like I've been a coward in not sticking up for you. I'm not brave like you, you know."
Well, now she's really being shameless in her false flattery; even though brave is a better word choice, at least. "What's that supposed to mean?" I ask to keep playing along.
"You fight for all these things no one else cares about, and even though they tell you that over and over, you just keep going. You don't let what other people think of you get you down. You just pick up yourself up and keep fighting for the things you love and want to make better. If I had the guts to be like that, I would go against popular opinion and defend you, like you defend everything else no one cares about but you. But I'm not like you, and they should be ashamed that they aren't too!"
Okay, she was getting better at this the more she went on. Luckily she still left a few loose ends for me to pull apart. "And what makes you the one that knows that when they don't?" I nitpicked.
"Because I know what it's like not to be taken seriously. You get called a buzz kill and the worst for it, I just get called naïve and a child. I'm not cool enough to just let it me roll off me and not get emotional about it, and you are. You don't need the validation of other people to know you're special and doing the right thing, I know that. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have it at all….and I'm sorry I haven't said that to people other than you. And I really have no excuse to give into peer pressure when there's no one else here, so I'm sorry again for that too."
Okay…..well, she is the smartest, according to I.Q. tests that are biased for….some reason or other. So she can use that to put a speech together to flatter me and get out of taking responsibility. That's no big thing….nothing at all.
"Well, sorry isn't good enough, actions speak louder. Especially when you do know better and don't do it anyway. That's still something a kid does, and you just admitted you do it with Jeff too." I slammed her right back to take back the lead.
"And that's another reason I'm not like you. You can stop being involved with Jeff and still be friends with him. You can accept that he can't change or be with you, and you can still care about him for who he is. I'm not that smart, because I still see things that either aren't there or he isn't willing to admit! Either way, you wised up to it months ago and I still haven't, and I guess I never will."
"Well….he has tricked you more than he ever did with me." Whoh, where did that come from? "He did stuff like drunk dialing me, starting study groups and hooking up in paintball two years ago, but that's about it. He still does things to help you and bond with you and other things he'd never do for anyone else. For someone who hates making an effort at anything, you're always an exception for him….I was just an exception for a little while." Now where did that come from?
"See, this is why I didn't want to say anything about this to you. I don't want you to be jealous of….whatever Jeff and I have or don't have, and you don't have to be. You two have more…..physically than he'll ever let himself have with me," Annie conceded. But that concession doesn't excuse how she bought in that sexist propaganda.
"Ugh, now you're buying into that crap too? A female can be jealous of another female for reasons other than men, you know! Jeff has nothing to do with it….but at least he's the one thing I had that you don't! All you've got are the boobs, the age, the figure, the eyes, the admirers, Jeff's effort, people forgiving you for being a buzz kill, and more fans year after year! I get less and less of that and Jeff has nothing to do with it, so tell your anti-Britta fans that sometime!"
Maybe I gave away all my cards a bit too soon. At least that built me back up just when her Annie black magic – I mean colored magic – I mean neutral magic! Yeah, before that got to me too badly.
"You're jealous of me?" And that what's she dreamed out of that anyway…..figures. "But that makes no sense. There's no reason at all to be jealous of me." So it's back to childish denial, then. "I'm the real screw up of the group, I put them through far more trouble and misadventures than you! You've never done a lot of the things I've done to look stupid and put the others in danger! Please don't envy that, you're too good and better to wish you were someone like me!"
That brought another trademark Annie gasp; but it didn't seem as offended or shocked as usual. "Oh God….I just sounded like Jeff, didn't I?" No, it takes years of intense douchebag studies for that, but I somehow kept that to myself. "But, but he's not as right as I am….he thinks I'm too good for him and that's not true! We're both fakes in a way….sure, I act extra smart and nice, but if I wasn't those things, I'd just be the ex-Annie Adderall that's one lost pen short of being in an institution! Sometimes I feel like I just study hard and do good deeds only so people won't think I'm crazy or a child; or to make sure I'm not alone anymore. That's not really being a good person…not like you."
I'll admit, she got me off guard a little on that one. "Well, at least they don't say that to your face. Not like when people tell me I fight for things just for my own ego. Or that I only care about looking progressive to other people….I mean, you saw that with the Valentine's Day lesbian thing."
"Yeah, but they weren't that right!" Annie insisted….whether because she was screwing with me or being naïve, I couldn't tell right now. "Well, uh…..maybe some of it had a point somewhere. And…..maybe it applies to a few other things when you think a little tiny more…." Okay, now where was that coming from?
I started to feel like I should stop asking that question before I figured out the answer.
"Britta, those little mistakes don't cancel out the other stuff," Annie kept going on. And somehow, her continuing to defend me set me off again. "See, maybe that's why people don't take you seriously! You let them off the hook too easily! You do it with Jeff all the time, and now you're doing it with me!"
"It would be so much easier if I did do that all the time! There are times I don't worship Jeff, and there are times I don't like you either! The two of you make it hard for me not to be mad at you sometimes! But I'd rather try to live by your good example than hate you when you're not at your best! I don't like you every minute, but I don't hate you either! Not like you seem to hate me!"
"I don't hate you…..certainly not every minute! Not at all!" This was getting away from me way too much now, but I wasn't caring as much anymore.
"Then why are we yelling at each other?" Annie drove home.
"I don't know! You're not the Britta around here, you tell me!" I shot back in a last ditch effort before pretty much throwing in the towel. "God, it would be so much easier if I did hate you…..why can't I do that? Why do I have to screw that up too?" Part of me was already saying it was because she was like me, actually appreciated me and was fighting to better herself as much as I was. So the rest of you can lay off now.
"Because you are a good person. There was no one here to impress or be judged by, and you still admitted you don't hate me. It wasn't because it looked good or made you look cool, but because you do care about me no matter how much I annoy you….I hope. And it's the same for Jeff, Troy, Pierce, Shirley and Abed too….I hope too. You hate things about me and you still look past them to like the rest of me, and Jeff and the others. I guess that's why I do that with Jeff, even when he makes me hate him sometimes."
Okay, she is good. She is really good. Calling me good doesn't hurt either…..oh God, but that's the whole problem, isn't it? Now I'm softening on her just because she's building up my ego so much….and like she said, that's not being a truly good person at all. But that doesn't mean I'm being fake when I try to do the right thing, regardless of what everyone else says….and maybe I'm not the only one.
"Maybe we're both not all that good or all that messed up. Or maybe it's not that important, as long as we keep trying and learning. Maybe that means we'll get it right someday when it really counts," I tried to rationalize, and then I just kept going.
"And who's to say you haven't got it kind of right already? I talk a good game to make people and things better, and you actually get them to do it better than me….some of the time. I mean, I tried to make Jeff less….Jeff for the whole first year, and you still did much more even back then! You're the main reason Jeff's more human now, and that's a real honest to God gift! Not fictional like God Herself!" Yes, I know that wasn't the right time for that – even I get the gist right away occasionally.
"I guess…..I mean, that did take a lot of work. There's still so much denial he has to work through even now, but he's been like that for a long time. Two-and-a-half years isn't enough to get through it all….I should be more understanding of that. But I shouldn't let him off the hook for denying too hard at me," Annie swore.
"God, I can't believe I'm saying this…..but what difference does it make now? So here I go, offering to talk to him for you and make him lay off," I improbably offered.
"No, I couldn't make you do that...not because I think you're jealous or anything! I mean, then he'll know I talked to you and it'll make me look more like a kid to him," Annie pointed out.
"Okay, that's true. But Jeff always looks like crap trying not to look like crap for disappointing you. It'll be obvious to everyone tomorrow, and I can call him out for it then and not rat you out," I revised.
"Well, maybe he'll already have one of his apologies ready by then. Then we'll sweep it under the rug, pretend nothing happened and wait for it all to start again anyway," Annie conceded. See, that kind of self-pity should have made me accuse her of being a whiny example to women everywhere. Being dependent on a man like Jeff, and a man period, should have been enough to make me lay into her.
Then she hit me with, "But I really shouldn't let it affect me that much. I've got a year-and-a-half left to go here, and I can't waste that pining for him every day. He still has time to figure himself out, and so do I. If it pays off in the end, I can wait until then…..but if not, I just need to keep a proper perspective. Maybe one of these days I'll actually do it too."
Dammit, now it's official. I have Britta'd hating Annie.
It's so bad now that I'm starting to believe she didn't just manipulate me into helping her out more. Or that she was and didn't realize it. It really isn't fair that Annie has this power either way…..but I can't do anything about it. Otherwise….I'd be turning my back on maybe the only person here I can actually relate to. And maybe the best person who really understands me. That's not being good for the wrong reasons, is it?
But then again, there are no good reasons for turning a back on a friend. Or a fellow woman. And….although I'm not supposed to care, I've never really had a lot of female friends, in spite of how much I fight for our gender. Shirley and I are too different to be really close female friends, and not just because she's the delusional one of our pairing. Damnit, not the time, Britta, not the time…..
Anyway, I haven't had a female friend like Annie before. Although I thought that was a bad thing just 15 minutes ago….maybe there's a better way to look at it. Maybe if I can stop being a jealous Britta, I can see what a good thing it might be.
"Listen Annie, if you can't straighten Jeff out yourself, or if he doesn't beat himself up over you worse than usual….I'm right here for you. Maybe you don't need my advice that much, but maybe you can count on someone and still stay independent anyway. I might even have a few Jeff tips to help you out that could work. Heck, sleeping with Jeff in secret for a year had to teach me something, right?"
Ladies and gentlemen, there's our Britta of the day. The week, month and maybe year if possible. "Crap….Annie, I'm sorry to bring that up again! That's so stupid and Britta of me!"
"It's okay, Britta. Maybe not entirely okay, but that's okay. I know you're trying to help me and be there for me, and that's all that matters to me. And I promise I'll help the others see it should matter more to them too." She smiled at me, and somehow Jeff didn't look so lame whenever that smile lifted him up too. But it didn't work on me the way it does on him, to remind all the Pierces out there.
"You know, maybe they don't need me to nag too much….I mean, they stood up for you when Mr. Rad called you the worst. They ridicule you a lot, but I think deep down they still care about you as much as they always have. I guess that probably makes me naïve too, though."
"No….there are worse things. And being naïve isn't always bad….not when you can make people care about you anyway. Then they can teach you a few things so you can turn out as well as you deserve. And maybe they'll learn a few extra things themselves too."
Okay, I was vomiting in my head by then too. Cornball speeches like that are better for denouncing tyranny, or male power, or how homophobic it is to deny that football is totally gaybones. But damnit, you just don't remember those things in front of Annie. This is how Jeff must feel all the time….it really isn't as funny as I thought it was. Maybe I do need to talk to him about it and set him straight a bit.
Regardless, I still stand by what I said about Annie earlier. She shouldn't be put on a higher pedestal than me or any other female here. There is no reason to be easier on her than they are on me; especially if she really wants to be a grown up. I was the most important and most respected female in the group once, and they shouldn't keep forgetting that while they worship Annie. And no matter what my reasons are or how unpopular it makes me, I've still done much more for female kind than Annie ever had.
But that doesn't mean Annie can't learn. It doesn't mean she can't improve herself; on top of all the improvements she's done on her own. I'm not ready to get back on the Annie train without reservations, yet it's not like she asked for all of those things I bad mouthed. She can be criticized for not buttoned up as much as she used to, but she has plausible deniability for the rest.
And I'm not excusing her just because she's the only one left who looks up to me; or is at least willing to admit it in private and maybe in public soon. And I'm not doing it just to prove I'm as good as I keep saying I am.
A bad person dumps friends for being flawed and annoying at their worst. A good person accepts their flaws, encourages them through it all and is willing to learn how to fight for them. The person who's my best friend 50 percent of the time helped showed me that.
It should go up to about 55 percent once I finish spending the rest of the afternoon with her. Maybe I can push to the 60's, or at least make it look like it, when I rip Jeff a new one on her behalf tonight.
Sometimes I do really hate Annie…..or feel jealous, if you want to be that nitpicky. But then there are those other times that help me stop Britta'ing it that badly.
Okay, I think you've suffered long enough. Go on, I have girl time – um, female American time, to spend my inner thoughts on now.