The car door slammed shut and Andy stood, staring at her apartment building for the first time in over 6 months. As the car pulled away from the curb she felt and intense longing for a hot bath and a strong drink. She couldn't remember if there had been any beer in the fridge when she left.
The past few months she'd been working towards taking out a very intricate drug and child prostitute ring, and she was glad that the work was over. She still had weeks of notes and testimony to go through and all of her trial prep (this would be her first) but the fact that she could sleep in her own bed made it feel like the worst was over.
She climbed the stairs slowly, taking her time to reach her door. She'd been away so long she didn't see the point in rushing. She anticipated there would be some cleaning to be done after 6 months of emptiness, she thanked god silently that she didn't have a pet. That would have made leaving that much messier. Pets, the thought made her think of Sam Swarek.
"Let's get a dog, call him Boo! Boo Radley. I've always liked that name for a dog."
She remembered his last plea before she left. The promises he threw out to her with his words, like a life line to save their relationship. She wanted to save it, she did. But she'd already given Sam everything she had left, so when she'd walked into Luke Callaghan's office that same morning and told him she was ready for Project Dakota, she couldn't back out when he asked her to be a part of the team that evening. Undercover was a privilege not often given to rookies. She couldn't just walk away from it. Not because Sam decided he loved her enough to get a dog. No, she had earned that spot. She'd worked hard to redeem herself after her suspension and if anyone could understand that, it should be Sam.
She couldn't help thinking to herself that if he'd meant what he said the night she left, that he would feel the same when she returned. How did Traci put it? Oh—"what's meant to be will be." She had to have faith in that, otherwise missing Sam for 6 months and holding onto their relationship in the darkest corner of her heart would have been for nothing.
After what felt like eternity she reached her front door. She felt like a stranger suddenly, like she wasn't invited, although this apartment was the place she's called home for over a year now. Unlocking her front door she stepped inside to find the place incredibly clean. Perplexed, she dropped her bag near the door and walked in the kitchen to see a note on the counter.
"Wasn't sure when you'd be home, cleaned up so you could rest. I've missed you – Mom"
Andy hadn't asked for the spare key back after her house warming party last year, especially after Sam broke things off shortly afterwards. What was the point? She didn't need the key herself, and if someone was going to have it, it ought to be Claire. She sighed, grateful she'd let it go. She had not been looking forward to cleaning 6 months' worth of dust off of her furniture.
Dropping onto her couch she tried not to think about what 2 weeks off the job meant. When Staff Sergeant Best explained the protocol to her she felt numb. No uniform until she had a mandatory visit to the UC Department's mandated shrink and another week just to read over all of her paper work and notes so she could pass along anything that may have been left out of her testimony that was taken directly after the bust. 2 weeks before she was back on the streets walking the beat. UC had been a great experience. She'd learned a lot about her boundaries as an officer and she was lucky she had Officer Collins. They made a great team and it was nice to have someone she trusted implicitly watching her back.
Regardless, 2 full weeks seemed like an eternity for her to resume feeling like herself again. She was still used to code names and drop locations and the small cramped apartment that she had shared with Nick.
"Time for that bath." She muttered out loud to herself. It felt strange having so much silence. Her UC apartment with Nick had had thin walls and noisy tenants. People playing music and kids shouting, she almost missed it until she pulled herself up to run the water in her two person soaker tub.
She was just about to sink in when her phone rang, startling her and almost making her tip over the side of the tub.
"McNally," she answered, probably too loud and stern for her normal self, but she was still used to responding to the name "Rachel" and knew it would take a while for her to break that down.
"Andy? It's Traci."
"Hey Trac! Oh my goodness, I'm so glad to hear your voice."
Andy hadn't seen any of her friends except Chris when she'd given her statement during her de briefing at Division 15. Frank Best had taken it all down while Luke sat idle in the corner, privy to all the knowledge that would be building the foundation for the case of his career.
She'd hugged Chris tight. He seemed so grown up now, being a father to Christian, but the weight of his decision to leave 15 was still plain on his face.
"It's nice to hear you too! I didn't get to see you yesterday, Swarek and I were working a double homicide down town."
There it was. Sam was still here.
"Oh? Big case? You must have enjoyed bossing Swarek around, Miss fully-fledged Detective!" Andy giggled into the receiver.
"Well, not exactly, Sam made Detective. He's been working a long side me and the rest of the d's for the past 4 months." Andy's voice caught in her throat. Detective? He'd never even mentioned he was interested in that…
"But that's not why I called," Traci continued, "I've missed you! When Chris told me he'd seen you, that you were back I mean, I couldn't believe you didn't call."
"It's not that I didn't want to Traci, I've literally just finished being debriefed late last night and only set foot in my apartment an hour ago. Trust me when I say, you were next on my to-do list."
"Damn straight." Traci laughed, "Would you be interested in going to The Penny tonight? It's Friday, so we're all heading over for beers after shift… say, 2 hours or so? I'm just finishing up my mountain of paperwork."
"I don't know… I just got into the bath and I may be hard pressed to move." Andy offered, but she couldn't deny that the thought of seeing her friends was very tempting in comparison to her very empty, very silent apartment.
"Well, I'd love to see you, and I know Dov and Gail... well, Dov would be happy to see you too."
"I'll think about it. You'll probably see me tonight." Andy replied before hanging up and sinking into her bath. 45 minutes later she was sitting in her robe, towel wrapped around her hair tight, flipping through 6 months' worth of mail. Her mom must have tossed the flyers.
Suddenly, a sharp rap on the door pulled her from her mail induced daze, forcing her to climb up off the couch and peer into her peep hole. Nick stood in her hallway, pacing and fidgeting with his hands.
She opened the door immediately.
"Hey! What are you doing here?" She laughed, stepping back and inviting him in.
"I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd see if you were going to The Penny tonight? Dov invited me, but I haven't seen Gail yet and I was nervous to go if you weren't going."
He didn't have to explain. There was a part of her that was used to having him there to back her up, even if it was just with groceries at the shopping center. She had an odd love for Nick, like the brother she never had.
"Yeah, Traci invited me, I was thinking of going." Andy trailed off.
"Have you spoken to Sam?" Nick asked quietly, slightly avoiding her eyes. He knew the painful revelations that Traci and the rest of their friends didn't know. He knew that Sam had told her everything she'd ever wanted to hear, right when she had decided to leave.
"No." Andy couldn't stop staring at the floor, "I haven't spoken to him. I'm not really sure what I would say… if there is even anything to say anymore. 6 months is a long time, he may have moved on now." Andy's heart raced at the thought. She wished there had been a way to communicate to Sam while she was away, but she couldn't risk another issue like they'd had after their night at the Alpine. She'd already almost lost her job once.
"You don't want that to be the case Andy." Nick was looking right at her now, she could feel his stare burning into the top of her head, "You don't have to admit it to me, I can tell you miss him."
Nick wasn't wrong. She'd thought about Sam Swarek every day for the past 6 months, and she'd spent the previous 2 months longing for him to want to fix their relationship. A big part of her had hoped he would have been at the take down 2 nights ago, but if he had been there she couldn't make him out among the sea of officers that had stormed the warehouse in S.W.A.T gear. She had made out Sergeant Best and Detective Callaghan among the teams, but that had been the most she had seen before she had been whisked off by her contact into the black sedan to begin the debriefing process. She remembered the sense of relief. The bad guys were gone. She was going home.
"Andy?" Nick asked, pulling her out of her thoughts, "Do you want to go or not? I'll stay with you if you don't feel up to it."
"We should go." Andy answered, pulling her robe tighter around her body, "You should see Gail. Or at least try to see her." She chuckled. She knew Gail Peck wasn't going to be receptive or warm at the sight of Nick. She would be tough, but she'd come around.
"And you should at least see Sam," Nick continued, "Even if it's from across the room so you can gauge how he's going to react."
"You're right," Andy smiled, "Let me get dressed."
A half hour later she was drying the last of her hair and had put on her favorite jeans and a cute top she'd never had the chance to wear before going under cover. She noted that she was a bit thinner now, the stress of UC work had trimmed her down, and she'd been taking longer runs every day to force out the anxiety. Nick was patient in the living room. They'd spent so much time together like this that it seemed routine for him to wait for her.
"Ready." She called, zipping up her ankle boots.
"Me too, I think." He answered, fidgeting with his keys and forgetting she was watching.
"Nick, she will forgive you. She has to." Andy was trying to reassure him, but inside she wasn't so sure. Gail was a tough cookie and she knew this might be the straw to break the camel's back. But her hope was holding out for Nick, especially since his situation mirrored her own so closely. If it works out for them, maybe Sam will still hold some love for her, right?
The drive felt like eternity, but when they finally pulled into the stall near the back of the pub, they turned to each other, silently acknowledging both nervous and excited energy. It was time.
The Penny was crowded when Andy walked through the door with Nick following closely behind. She hadn't expected people to jump up and cheer at the sight of them, but when no one acknowledged their presence right away she started to get nervous.
"McNally?!"
The shout came from across the bar, where Oliver Shaw was sitting in a close group of senior officers. She waved silently, smiling awkwardly, hunching her shoulders. Then the eruption of cheers rolled through the pub as Dov and Chris rushed forward to hug Andy and pat Nick on the back. Oliver stood up from the corner and made his way over to the two officers, ordering shots for both as their friends closed in.
They were home.
As Andy made her way towards the usual table where Traci and Gail were sitting she tried to read Gail's body language. She was definitely closed off, but she wasn't out right cold. Traci nodded to her and Gail gave a weak smile as she sat down, sipping her drink and peeling the label with her perfect nails.
"Welcome back Andy." Gail offered, looking past Andy in Nick's direction.
"Thank you Gail." Andy replied, before sharply adding, "He missed you. You should go see him."
Gail's face turned ashen, "Or he could come see me. I'm the one who was left, remember?"
"Oh yeah, she was closed off," Andy couldn't help thinking to herself, he had work to do.
"Have you seen Swarek?" Traci asked quietly, looking over her shoulder towards the corner were Oliver had been sitting.
"No… is he here?" Andy suddenly became very aware of how anxious she was feeling-she double checked everything from how she was sitting, to the flow of her top-she even ran her fingers through her hair to smooth it.
"He's sitting over there with Noelle and Oliver." Traci glanced down, "He's been working really hard on his cases, keeping his head down, but, same ol' Sam."
"Is he… you know, is he seeing anyone?" Andy asked, afraid of the answer but needing to know.
"Well…" Traci paused, "He was seeing that ER nurse, Monica, for a few weeks," she continued, "but he hasn't mentioned her in, well, never really mentioned her… and she hasn't been by the station for a really long time."
"Good to know." Andy digests the information internally. She didn't expect Sam to sit around feeling sorry for himself or even pining for her, but she hadn't expected him to be with someone else either, even if it was only briefly.
"You're expression doesn't say that it's good Andy, did something happen?" Traci asked, sipping her beer nonchalantly, but Andy could tell she was very curious, even a bit worried.
"Well, he sort of confessed that he did love me... on the night I got recruited for Dakota. The night I left."
"On the night you left?!" Tracy nearly spit her beer on the table, "Oh Andy, you really haven't spoken to him?" Traci glanced over her shoulder towards Oliver and Noelle's table anxiously.
"What was I supposed to do? As soon as I agreed to go under cover I couldn't talk to anyone, I didn't even speak to my parents." Andy whispered hurriedly, "Besides, we both already almost lost our jobs over this very situation we're discussing. You think Sam would have appreciated that? What if we got caught up again?" Andy felt like crying, but couldn't let the tears slide, not here, not in public. "I still missed him Traci. I wish there would have been another way."
Traci sighed, "Would be smart to talk to him about it now, avoid the awkward moment of 'you broke my heart', in the precinct, you know?"
"Thanks Trac, always looking out." Andy chuckled; though she knows inside she is too afraid to see him tonight. She suddenly felt claustrophobic, like she can't breathe inside the tiny pub.
"I think I'm going to take off." Andy says as she stands up, almost knocking the remainder of her beer over.
"Leaving again so soon McNally?" said a voice from behind her. A voice she's waited 6 months to hear, a voice she had hoped to analyze for some insight into whether or not he had forgiven her, or moved on or maybe even hated her.
"Sam." She said as she turned, keeping her eyes on the ground until the last possible second, and when their eyes finally did meet it felt as though a bolt of lightning passed through her chest.
He was still handsome, with broad shoulders and a strong jaw. She could see some salt and pepper grey running through the sides of his hair, as if in the past few months he'd spent some time worrying about something… or someone. She noticed his chest seemed a touch larger, or maybe it was that he was leaner. Perhaps he was running longer every morning too. The thought made her pause, helped to put her nerves at ease.
"I just wanted to come over and tell you I'm glad you're back safe," he offered a slight smile, "I've been following your case and I heard you did a really fine job."
Following her case? He knew she was gone? She let the knowledge digest; make its way from her frantic brain to her satisfied heart to the pit of her stomach where it came to rest.
But really, what had she expected? Of course Sam would know the second she was gone and he wouldn't take 'I don't know' for an answer from anyone, not Luke or Sergeant Best.
"Thank you," Andy faltered, "I'm glad I'm back too."
"I guess I'll see you around." He offered, Andy couldn't believe how cool and calm he seemed, like it didn't bother him in the least that she had just returned from 6 months of zero contact undercover work.
Her heart dropped into her stomach as she came to the realization.
Sam Swarek didn't care that she'd been gone. He hadn't missed her in the least.
"Yeah, of course… See you around." Andy replied quietly, almost to herself more than anyone. As he turned and walked off in the direction of Oliver she noticed Luke sitting alone, nursing a whiskey. She was alone too now. She could only assume that Sam had moved on. There was no more analyzing to be done.
"You leaving?" Traci asked, looking at her knowingly.
"Yes, I'm outta here."
As Andy headed for the door, she caught Luke's eyes and he tipped his glass to her with a grim tight lipped smile. She nodded and resumed her exit. She could never forget what Luke did to her, but she could admire his dedication to the job, some of that dedication had saved her ass over the course of her UC experience.
Andy opted to walk home; the thought of cabs didn't amuse her ever since Jerry's death. Every time she set foot in the interior of a cab she could barely stand it.
She approached the stairs for the second time that day, and hoped that Nick was doing better with Gail than she did with Sam. She hadn't been able to find him before her quick exit, but Gail was also missing in action so she hoped this was a good sign. Her door was in sight and she couldn't believe the exhaustion that was setting in. She barely noticed the stranger standing a few feet down from her door in the shadows. If he had been an intruder or a hit man, this easily could have been a huge mistake on Andy's part.
Luckily, the shadow was Sam Swarek.
"Andy…" he whispered as he approached quietly, "Andy?"
"Sam?! Jesus, you scared me!" She cried out.
"Sorry, sorry." He muttered, "I didn't mean to alarm you," he pressed on, "I just… I'm sorry if I came off as a jerk at The Penny." He looked at his shoes, "I just didn't know how to say hello, and it's been so long."
"I understand," Andy stuttered, "I-I get it."
The both paused, staring at anything but each other in the dark hallway.
"Do… do you want to come in for a drink? Beer? Coffee?" Andy offered, slightly nervous he would reject her offer. But why would he come here if he didn't want to see her? To give her some lame apology for something he barely did?
"Sure, I could drink a beer." Sam stared at the floor… "Are you going to unlock the door or what McNally?" He chuckled, "Unless you got beer up that tiny shirt?"
Andy felt her face get hot, "Right!" She laughed back, unlocking the door and pushing it open. She dropped her jacket on the chair near the kitchen and hung her keys by the door. Sam was already opening the fridge and taking out two beers.
"Make yourself at home Sam," Andy jabbed, "I see nothing much has changed around here."
"Oh McNally, you have no idea." He smiled, leaning forward on the kitchen island and peering at her over the top of his beer.
"I heard you made Detective."
"Yeah, I joined the ranks of the boys in suits." Sam smiled, taking a swig of his beer, "You're not the only one who focused on their career these past 6 months."
Ouch. That one stung, though she felt a bit like she deserved the hit.
"Well, since you started the trend by breaking up with me to be a better cop, I assumed you would have approved of my decision." She fired back, laughing, but feeling the weight of their conversation hanging heavy in the room.
"About that…" he looked down at the counter for the hundredth time, "I-I wanted you to know that I meant what I said," he continued on, slowly, "I'm ready to work on that-with you."
Her heart fluttered at the words, she honestly couldn't believe her ears.
"You meant what Sam?" Andy pushed. She knew she was playing with fire, but these past 6 months had lit a fire inside her and for some reason she was brave. She wanted to make him say the words.
"You know what I mean Andy." He glanced over his shoulder, clearly nervous.
"I'm not sure I do." Andy replied honestly, "You mean you still want me to get a dog you can take care of?" She did her best not to smile. She wanted him to earn this back from her. They'd done enough damage to each other in the past year; it was time to start fresh. This would be a good place.
"No," Sam muttered, "I mean, well, I do like dogs." He flustered and finally, "I love you. I still love you." He replied calmly and looked her straight in the eyes. It felt like time stopped for a moment. Like everything Andy had experienced in the past 8 months was gone.
"That being said," He started, breaking their eye contact, "I do think I rushed into things that night. These 6 months, they've been an eye opener for me. Maybe we should just, you know, take it slow. Start from the beginning. Like rookies on the first shift." He laughed at the last second, but it was more nervous than elated.
"I understand Sam." Andy replied, though she wasn't sure she fully did. Right now she wanted nothing more than to rush head on into whatever it was they'd had.
Silence enveloped the room, dragging out the sips of beers and sounds of bottles touching the marble counter.
"So, McNally, is that a yes?"
She paused, wanting to make him squirm, "Yeah. I can understand you being a rookie in this situation. I'm good with that." She laughed out loud.
"Yeah, laugh it up, we'll see who's a rookie." Sam rolled his eyes, setting his now-empty beer down on the counter, "I'm out, early shift and Nash will kick my ass if I don't have the paperwork handed in for her. Lost another bet."
Andy felt a little stung that he didn't want to stay the night with her. She was still fighting the urge to rush into Sam head on, but she was determined to make this work, the right way.
It seemed as though he read her mind, "Andy? There is no rush. You're back and I'm here. Let's just see where this goes and try to make this work."
She instantly relaxed and took a breath, "You're right. I've-I've just missed you. I missed you every day."
He moved across the counter, stepping closer to her and taking her in his arms, "I know your brain, don't over think this Andy. Let it go, this is the simple stuff now." She leaned into him, closing her eyes and sighing. "McNally?" she wrapped her arms around him tighter, "Andy, I love you."
"I love you too."