Why the world of Naruto is secretly terrifying.
What can I say, I love Naruto. The series is awesome. The battles can be of epic proportions. The characters are diverse and likable. Heck, even the arguably biggest asshole of the series, is as epic as he is cool! But, there are some disturbing things that make me never want to wake up one day in Konoha. Because the world of Naruto is secretly very, very terrifying.
Reason one: Child soldiers
The moment we saw the first episode or read the first chapter, when we were teens, we were all awestruck. We all marveled in the cool abilities the people showed. We all wanted to do a Kage Bunshin.
"Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!" (four shadow clones pop into existence)
"Who are we fighting?" the first clone says.
"Let us at them boss!" the second one says.
"We will rain death and destruction upon your enemies!" the third one says.
"We will crush the forces of injustice and defile the bodies of their dead!" the psychotic fourth one says.
"No guys, none of that. Just do my homework, take the trash out, do my chores and make me a sandwich!"
We all wanted to throw shuriken. And the greatest thing we realized was that those abilities were not exclusively to the elite and adult with countless of years of experience and training behind them. No, those abilities were attainable to even the youngest of kids. Naruto was 12-13 in the first part of the manga/anime. And he was using techniques that overshadowed our wildest imaginations. Making solid clones that could do chores, yet also fight for you? Utilizing chakra to walk on water or on the walls?
"So Jesus was a ninja?"
"Ehm, sir? Naruto: The Abridged Series already used that joke."
"What about Spiderman? His powers came from being a ninja instead of being bitten by a radioactive spider."
"Narutoman, Narutoman,
does whatever a spider can.
Walks on walls, anytime,
There is no originality to this rhyme."
"Oh, wait! I know now. It wasn't an ordinary radioactive spider that bit him it was a… radioactive ninja spider! The most dangerous creature known to man. Only second to the elusive and exotic straight catholic priest. Or the bisexual flaming flamingo of Greece. It can go either way."
Forming energy attacks to break the strongest of materials? All was done by Naruto at an early age. An age where most of us not even started high school.
"You dress funny!" one kid says
"You also smell weird!" another says.
"you are annoying!" another chimes in.
"you are weak!" another says.
"even if you hit us it wouldn't hurt!" the first kid says.
"Hit me! Hit me! If you ca-" the second kid says.
"Rasengan!" the bully victim says.
Later that evening: the nine o'clock news
"…and in related news. An incident occurred in a local high school, here in LA. What is being described by witnesses as a bully victim finally snapping and taking out his attackers. Psychological aid is given to all child witnesses. For the graphic nature of the attack. One of the 12 year old freshmen said: The blood… there is blood everywhere… Limbs started flying… some even landed on me… Oh god… that one eyeball… I think it blinked…"
Can you imagine fighting battles at that age?
Winston Churchill steps forth and gives a speech that will remembered for countless generations: "We shall go on to the end (or until our parents tell us to go to bed). We shall fight in France (provided we can reach it by bicycle), we shall fight on the seas and oceans (provided we all know to swim), we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air (hoping we don't get airsick), we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be (as long as the cost isn't greater than our allowance). We shall fight on the beaches (and make sandcastles), we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender (or until mommy tells us to stop because we're not allowed to fight)…"
Or a better one. The discussion between Stalin and Hitler.
"You attacked me! You promised to not attack me!" Stalin said.
"well, it serves you right!" Hitler said
"I'm telling!" Stalin said
"you're a poopyhead!" Hitler said
"No, you're a poopyhead!" Stalin responded.
But I hear you. You would probably tell me that Naruto is special.
"Mommy says I'm special!" Naruto said to the Hokage.
"Ehh… Naruto, Kushina is dead…" The Hokage responded.
"I know. But she talks to me in my head." Naruto responded with a grin.
"Right Naruto. You are very special…Now run along." The Hokage responded.
"Get me a psychologist. Naruto is too 'special' to be running around freely." The Hokage said to his assistant.
Since he is the Jinchuriki and thus a super being in itself. Granted, Naruto was born with abilities that separate him from the remaining kids from his world.
For instance the ability to find the outfit that is most inefficient at concealing oneself. That ability is reserved only for Naruto.
"Hey! I resent that! Orange is a beautiful color, it's stylish and about 500+ chapters into the story you will hear a marginally touching reason for me wearing orange." Naruto said.
"Not touching enough to warrant you looking flashy like a ninja Liberace."
But he wasn't the only one who was powerful and adept at things most people never could hope to attain. Itachi, arguably a very strong kid, was not born with superhuman abilities.
"Is looking cool a superpower?"
He didn't have an inexhaustible source of Chakra sealed deep within him. Yet despite that, Itachi passed the chuunin exam at age 10
"You know? The same exam were people supposed to sign a non disclaimer contract stating that Konoha (or the village organizing the exams) is not liable for injury or death during the exam. The same exam were kids risk getting killed in combat. Not even 10 years prior to that Itachi was very comfortably shitting his diaper daily."
"Mother needs your blood… Mother DEMANDS your blood! Now… die!" Gaara said.
"Nwo… waight… Itachi neets diaper cange…!" Itachi said while sucking his thumb.
and joined ANBU half a year later and to top it all off, he became an ANBU captain at age 13. In the series it was presented as if it was commendable. And that it was a sign of intelligence and strength that a 13 year old was an ANBU captain. We all bought this, we all thought: "Fuck Yeah! Itachi is baddass!"
PS: "Itachi is still badass! No matter what."
But in reality it would be terrifying. Imagine a squad of expert assassins/soldiers, the guys who take the difficult missions, the hard and quick hitting type of guys, the SEALS of Konoha. Imagine a SEAL team that is being led by a 13 year old.
"Alright maggots listen up! We are going to do this nice and clean. Johnson, no dicking around. Keep your head in the game. Alex, we don't want a repeat of last time. So ease on the happy trigger finger. Let's do this!"
The same speech but from a 10-year old.
"Okay guys, listen to me… if you don't… I'm going to tell mommy!..."
Imagine, if you will, that the attack team that killed Osama Bin Laden, consisted of a bunch of kids led by a kid, who killed not only Osama
"captain, that guy has a beard… Is he Santa? Are we supposed to be killing Santa?"
"All the infidels are on my naughty list!"
but also his bodyguards who arguably also would be kids. Do you see where I'm going with this? What kind of outrage would there be if it was widely know that America utilized child soldiers? In our history we know of countless of examples where groups utilized children as tools for their own gains. We all see these groups as barbaric. What would happen if we turned on the nine o'clock news and saw a battle in Iraq.
"This just in. A terrorist attack in Iraq happened today. The field of battle was the playground at Tahir square. Coalition forces attempted to secure the merry go around. But Insurgents stood their ground at the swings."
A battle between Coalition soldiers and insurgents. A battle were the bodies lay strewn in the streets. A battle were screams were heard over the gunfire. A battle were the torn away limbs were littering the street as if it was ordinary trash. A battle were, if you looked closely, you could see some soldiers crying out for their mothers. Business as usual I hear you say. War is hell. But would you really think the exact same things if you could also see that the soldiers were all a bunch of kids? Would feel the same if you could see that the soldier, whose legs were blown off by a grenade, was just a child? What would your first thought be when you know that the soldier who sits in his foxhole, and cries out for his mother during an artillery barrage, is just a 13 year old kid?
"Oh shit! The mood just got a whole lot worse. Quick, make a reference!"
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about the body count!"
"Too dark! Quick, make a joke!"
"So this black guys walks into a bar…"
"No! Too racist! Quick, just use a joke from a respected comedian. That surely does the trick!"
"Say what you like about those servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan, but we're going to have a fucking good Paralympic team."
"…Who did you pick?"
"Jimmy Carr."
"…"
In the real world we deal with the regimes that use children for their own gains. The people who use the kids as tools for themselves are war criminals and are put on trial. On 26th April 2012, Charles Taylor, the former president of Liberia, was found guilty on 11 separate counts of war crimes and crimes against humanity. One of those charges was the "Conscripting or enlisting children under the age of 15 years into armed forces or groups, or using them to participate actively in hostilities". Charles Taylor got 50 years. I think I can safely say that the Kages and Feudal Lords in the world of Naruto wished they could get off so easily for the endangering of children. Charles Taylor got 11 separate charges of war crimes, how much do you think the Kages and Feudal lords would get? But I digress, because that is a subjects for another talk. Because the world of Naruto is secretly very, very, very terrifying.
"Congratulations cannonfodder90, you just made Naruto boring by talking about politics… Well, this is a downer. Can't we end on something funny, witty or something that will get allot of cheers?"
"If there is a next time, I will promise to make it funnier. You can… believe it!"
"Nooooooo!"