Don't Leave
[akashi x kuroko]
WARNINGS: major character death, suicide attempt.
/
Akashi was never once someone who'd cry easily.
He didn't cry when Kuroko forgot his 17th birthday, not even greeting him a good morning—like he usually did—because he knew Kuroko must have a reason for the simplest thing if it was regarding Akashi, and it wasn't like his birthday was that special that Kuroko had to always remember it. He didn't really care about his own birthday, anyway.
He didn't cry when he received a call from a crying Kise later that night on his birthday, informing him about Kuroko's car accident when he was on his way to Akashi's place. It turned out Kuroko didn't forget his birthday at all; he just wanted to surprise Akashi on his birthday. And he didn't cry; not even a single tear falling down his cheek. He just kept his mouth shut before running out to the hospital, throwing his phone somewhere he didn't bother to look at.
He didn't cry when Midorima's father approached him and the rest of the Kiseki no Sedai after three hours of waiting, regretfully saying that Kuroko can't be saved; he has gone forever and left them to Heaven. He didn't cry when he remembered that it was supposed to be a special day for him, but the pillar of his life was gone on his special day. But, no, he did not cry at all.
He didn't cry when the Kiseki no Sedai started to break into tears for Kuroko's sudden death, instead he watched them blankly from the corner of his eye, standing still without even saying anything. As if his world had fallen apart and he couldn't do anything about that.
He didn't cry when Kuroko's mother rushed to him, hugging him tightly as she sobbed and asked him why did their Tetsuya leave so soon; why did he have to go at such a young age, and Akashi didn't have an answer for that, he just remained silent and kept his straight face all the time.
He didn't cry when he faced Kuroko's soulless body for the first time, seeing his pale face glowing in the dim light, and two beautiful sky blue eyes he loved so much that were now hidden behind his closed eyes. He just looked at Kuroko's peaceful face in silence; no expressions adorned on his face as though he was gone along with Kuroko's soul.
He didn't cry when he attended Kuroko's funeral the next day. He didn't cry even when he saw Kuroko's mother faint after seeing her only son for the last time, Kuroko's father who couldn't stop crying, Kiseki no Sedai and Momoi who were crying as well.
He didn't cry when he bid Kuroko a goodbye for the last time, staring at his gravestone without words as the rain pouring down harshly—the freezing rain, as if to prove him that he wasn't the only one who was sad; the rain, too, was saddened for one Kuroko Tetsuya's death.
He didn't cry when he had reached his house after sending Kuroko off to his last departure, ignoring his father's surprisingly sorrow look and went straight to his room. As he stepped in to his dark room, he didn't bother to turn on the lamp or change his clothes. He plopped himself down on the bed instead, blankly stared at their last photo together that was placed nicely in the nightstand beside his bed.
He was sad, but he didn't cry.
His days were pretty much the same with or without Kuroko. He came to school, eating his lunch with his teammates, studying, practicing basketball like usual. No one brought a subject about Kuroko, not even once.
And the days passed just like that without Kuroko's small smile when he talked to him; his flustered expression when he teased him; his cute frown when he ruffled his baby blue locks; his laugh when he did something, according to Kuroko, embarrassing; his blank, yet sulky expression when he asked him to buy a limited vanilla milkshake, and all. He missed Kuroko so, so much that it hurt, but he didn't cry.
And Akashi found a new habit the day after Kuroko was gone; he'd count down the days without Kuroko beside him. It was a habit he'd grown fond of because it always reminded him that Kuroko wasn't gone from his life, he was just gone first to wait for him in Heaven.
And he believed Kuroko was looking after him right now, so he didn't cry.
wWw
Day 1. The first day without Tetsuya. I was so sad that I might've killed myself if it weren't because Tetsuya's peaceful face the last time I stared at his soulless body. I couldn't cry because Tetsuya doesn't like to see me cry, right? Tetsuya, are you happy now? Please, please wait for me. We'll meet again soon. I promise.
wWw
Day 2. Going to school without Tetsuya for the first time. It's only two days without Tetsuya, but I miss Tetsuya so much. Tetsuya has become an angel now and watch me from above, right?
wWw
Day 3. Tetsuya's seat was empty. Teachers still hardly remembered Tetsuya, but don't sulk, okay? Tetsuya is in my heart forever.
wWw
Day 4. Four days without Tetsuya but I can't wait to see Tetsuya again. Please, don't get tired of waiting for me. I'll be there quickly.
wWw
Day 5. Five days feel like eternity. I miss Tetsuya so much.
wWw
Day 6. Tetsuya, what are you doing now? Are you happy? Are you still asleep? Does someone fix up your bed hair? Does Heaven have limited vanilla milkshakes? I know you might be tired of hearing this but I miss you.
wWw
Day 7. I hope Tetsuya would've forgotten my birthday instead, so Tetsuya wouldn't have gone this early. I'm sorry. Here I am still waiting to meet you again. I miss you.
wWw
Day 8. Heaven gained a beautiful angel, yet I still can't believe God took you away from me when I haven't done anything to make Tetsuya happy. I miss you, Tetsuya. Eat well, okay?
wWw
Day 9. We visited you and brought lots of flowers today. Happy, eh? They said they really miss you, so do I.
wWw
Day 10. Wow, it's been more than a week since Tetsuya left. How have you been, my angel? Have you eaten yet? Please, be happy Tetsuya, for the sake of someone who's longing to see you.
wWw
Day 11. Tetsuya, 2015 is ending soon. Time sure flies, doesn't it? Do you remember our New Year Eve last year? We kissed for the first time. Last year's New Year Eve was the happiest day for me, but this year will not be the same because Tetsuya's no longer here. Sometimes, I wish 2015 didn't exist, so we can see the sun set in 2016 together. I miss you.
wWw
Day 12. Tetsuya. If you don't mind, please come into my dream. It's 2016 already, weren't you the one who wanted to go to the beach on your birthday? Why were you leaving me this soon? I... don't know what to do anymore without Tetsuya.
wWw
Day 13. Tetsuya, are you watching me now? You probably laugh at me, right? Yes, I'm sick. The Akashi Seijuurou is sick and is admitted to the hospital. But, I don't need medicines, really. I just need to see Tetsuya and I'll be really fine.
wWw
Day 14. I thought RIP means Return If Possible but you're still not here. Tetsuya didn't want to return to my embrace, perhaps? Still, miss you.
wWw
Day 15. A half month without Tetsuya. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Really, it feels like a dream. Living without Tetsuya is the worst nightmare. Tetsuya, angel, please wake me up. I want to see you...
wWw
Day 16. I'm still hoping for the impossible miracles to happen. Tetsuya, even miracles take time, no? So, I'm not that delusional to hope that you'll eventually come back to me, right?
wWw
Day 17. Your parents paid a visit to me this morning and they brought your photo albums. Tetsuya was so cute when he was little. I wish I could rewind back the time where Tetsuya was still alive, even if I have to sell my soul to the devils. I miss you.
wWw
Day 18. It's been so many days without Tetsuya's late night calls everytime he had nightmares. But, I don't have to worry now because it means Tetsuya doesn't have a nightmare again, am I right? But, love, I miss the time when I lulled you into sleep. Doesn't Tetsuya miss it too?
wWw
Day 19. Day by day without Tetsuya here, on earth. Heaven must be a really beautiful place, right? I can't wait for the day I can see you, hug you in my arms, touch you, and kiss you again. Tetsuya, don't be mad at me because I miss you.
wWw
Day 20. Twenty days weren't enough to ease off my emptiness. Will Tetsuya be angry at me because I'm such a coward? I miss my cute little Tetsuya who's now a charming, beautiful angel in Heaven.
wWw
Day 21. Tetsuya's birthday in a few days. Would another angels celebrate Tetsuya's birthday up there? I'd be really glad if they would. Don't hate me, but I miss you, Kuroko Tetsuya.
wWw
Day 22. It's almost a month without you, Tetsuya. Yet I'm still hurting and deeply saddened here from your sudden departure. I still hope for a miracle, though. And I miss you.
wWw
Day 23. The number is getting larger day by day. Tetsuya, do you see how pathetic I am without you by my side? Maybe you were tired; maybe you didn't want me to wait for you again; maybe you were as hurt as me, but, still, I miss you. So much.
wWw
Day 24. Tetsuya's birthday is coming. What does Tetsuya want for his birthday? A second life? Will you allow me to exchange places with you? Will you let me to die instead of you? I miss you, Tetsuya.
wWw
Day 25. Twenty-five days of emptiness. For whom am I living if it weren't for Tetsuya? Tetsuya, angel, you hear me? What are you up to, love? Perhaps... you think about me, too, like I do?
wWw
Day 26. So many days had passed yet Tetsuya hasn't come into my dream yet. Does Tetsuya not miss me?
wWw
Day 27. With Tetsuya, my sadness always turned into happiness. My worries always turned into endless laughter. My hesitation always turned into confidence. But, without Tetsuya, I don't have energy to even smile. My happiness was brought along with you to the Heaven. Tetsuya, will you still believe me if I said I miss you?
wWw
Day 28. Getting rid of the emptiness in my heart is as hard as stopping Tetsuya from drinking vanilla milkshakes. It's impossible, even. Gosh, I want to hug Tetsuya so badly.
wWw
Day 29. I told my butler to bring two boxes of limited vanilla milkshakes in hope to make Tetsuya come back to me... but Tetsuya hasn't come yet. Tetsuya wouldn't have forgotten his obsession towards vanilla milkshake, right? But why is he not here?
wWw
Day 30. The annoying Kiseki no Sedai came by today. They were so loud—especially Ryouta. Daiki couldn't stop teasing him and my room was filled with his whinings. Shintarou kept on blabbering his beloved Oha Asa and I felt dizzy. Atsushi, as usual, was eating his junk foods like there was no tomorrow. And, oh, Satsuki brought a home-made tofusoup for me but Daiki snatched it away quickly. He said about something not wanting me to get poisoned. How bold of him, right? They didn't talk about Tetsuya, but you do know they actually miss you a lot, right?
wWw.
Day 31. Tetsuya... Tetsuya... where are you?
wWw
Day 32. Ten days before Tetsuya's birthday. Do angels celebrate their birthday, too? Tetsuya, even the word 'missing' isn't enough to express my feelings. I just need you to be here.
wWw
Day 33. Tetsuya, I want you to come back. This is an order.
wWw
Day 34. So empty... without Tetsuya beside me. No Tetsuya means no life. Life is meaningless without you, Tetsuya. Maybe I should try harder to bring myself to you again. I'm really itching to see you.
wWw
Day 35. Tetsuya, you promised to never leave me but you broke your own promise. I know Tetsuya isn't one to break what he'd said, so I'll give you a second chance. Come back.
wWw
Day 36. Does somebody in Heaven not allowed you to come back to me? Why haven't you come to me? Tetsuya, are you really not missing me?
wWw
Day 37. What do I have to do to have you come back to me? I've lost my mind, Tetsuya. You're my world and now that you were gone, my world has shattered into pieces. Please, I beg you, come back.
wWw
Day 38. Tetsuya?
wWw
Day 39. Tetsuya, I'm tired of being away from you. Can you ask God to take me to whatever place you're at?
wWw
Day 40. More than a month without Tetsuya and two days before Tetsuya's birthday. It's suffocating; it feels like I can't breathe. Tetsuya, please, I beg you. Come back to me.
wWw
Day 41. If Tetsuya were here, we could've arrived at the beach now. We would've watched the sunset together, walked around the beach hand in hand, kissed, cuddled, and all. Tetsuya, I'm sorry for being weak. I'm sorry because I couldn't seem to move on. I'm sorry for troubling you. I'm sorry I've become a nuisance for you. I'm sorry I haven't let you go till now. I'm sorry I keep on bothering you. I'm sorry because I'm still waiting for you although I should've not. I'm sorry because I'm just a hopeless, hypocrite boyfriend for you. I'm sorry... because I love you and selfishly want you to come back to me.
wWw
Day 42. It's Tetsuya's birthday today. Happy birthday, love. Won't you comeback? Just for one second? So I can have a reason why I should stay strong and stop trying to kill myself. Tetsuya, I miss you. And I love you, always.
Akashi closed his notes as he stared out the window. It was snowing outside, the sky was a dark, cloudy sky. The wind blew harshly and he was shivering from the cold but he didn't have an urge to even wear the coat that was lying forgotten on his bed. He just sat still, glancing up to the sky, wishing that a certain someone will show up in front of him again.
It was a month after Kuroko was gone, yet his heart still ached from his sudden departure, but he didn't cry. He wanted to see him so badly, wrapping him in his arms again, kissing him whenever he wants, touching him every now and then. So much that he had done anything to meet him again; repeatedly trying to commit suicide, even if he always met with failures. Now, the proud Akashi Seijuurou was just like an insane person. He'd lost his strength to continue his life.
"Tetsuya..." he whispered under his breath. Even saying his name was still making him feel happy, so he smiled a little. "Happy birthday. Where are you now? Will you return? Just for one second?"
There was no response to his questions, and it made him let out a shaky breath.
He missed Kuroko and he didn't want to meet him; he needed to meet him. He didn't care if he had to die, nor he had to sell his soul to see Kuroko again. He just needed Kuroko to be close with him, to be with him forever, and he wouldn't need anything else.
He still couldn't believe his Tetsuya had gone forever; leaving him alone without even a word. He still remembered every single detail of him and it was as if Kuroko hadn't left. Their promises were still lingering in the air and he couldn't erase them from his mind. Kuroko's voice kept on echoing in the back of Akashi's mind and haunting him every day, yet he found them as the strength that kept him going.
"Akashi-kun, promise me you'll never leave."
"Akashi-kun, I'm really not good with words but you do know I deeply care for you, right? So, do not bear your burden alone; you can share it with me, after all, I'll always be by your side. No matter what happens."
"Akashi-kun, you pervert!"
"Akashi-kun is so embarrassing."
"Akashi-kun can eat his favorite tofu soup every day but I can't drink vanilla milkshakes whenever I want? It's unfair."
"Akashi-kun, don't glare at Kise-kun. You scared him."
"Aomine-kun and I are just friends. Akashi-kun doesn't have to get jealous."
"Akashi-kun, is it true that you broke Midorima-kun's lucky item just because he touched me yesterday? So childish."
"Akashi-kun, stop hiding Murasakibara-kun's snacks just because he bought me a vanilla milkshake."
"Akashi-kun... if I, by any chance, left you, please do not get distressed over my death. Please just forget me and find a new love. But don't forget that I'll always love you."
"Akashi-kun..."
"Akashi-kun..."
"Akashi-kun..."
Akashi quickly opened his eyes—he just realized he even closed them in the first place. He looked around, and when he found that his room was empty, he smiled sadly and looked back to the window, sighing.
Was he just hallucinating?
He was in the midst of recalling Kuroko's sayings when he heard Kuroko's voice called out to his name. But when he turned around, he found no one else but him in the cold room. Right, so now he really had gone insane...
"Akashi-kun..."
Akashi, once again, heard Kuroko's voice. It was so clear that he thought Kuroko was really close to him, and he hit his head for being such a fool. Kuroko wasn't going to be here, was he?
Sighing, he mumbled under his breath, "Seijuurou, stop imagining things. You just hurt yourself. As much as you want Tetsuya to come back, he wouldn't ever come back to you." he dropped his head low as he get up from his bed to go to the bathroom. He needed to wash his face to clear out his mind.
But when he lifted up his head again, his mind had to go blank; his world suddenly stopped and he froze.
There he was, a few steps away from him, someone he had been wanting to meet for a while. With a small smile, Kuroko greeted him softly, "Hello, Akashi-kun. It's been so long, hasn't it? How are you, Akashi-kun?"
He should've ran to him, hugging him tightly and never let him go as he had always imagined if he got a chance to meet Kuroko again. Or, he should've punched Kuroko on the face, yelling at him for leaving him alone without a trace. But instead, Akashi found himself staring at Kuroko dumbfoundedly; eyes widened slightly, as if he couldn't register the fact that Kuroko was there, smiling up at him, into his mind.
"What's with that face, Akashi-kun?" Kuroko wasn't usually smiling too long, but he couldn't take his smile off of his pale face. Then, he added in a sad, low tone. "Have you forgotten me already?"
"No..." Akashi whispered. He blinked once, twice, and thrice, and Kuroko was still standing in front of him. "Are you really Tetsuya?"
Kuroko chuckled. His voice was as soft as ever. "Of course. Who else?"
"Impossible..." Akashi shook his head as he stepped back; too shock that he didn't know what should he do, or even say. Was the Tetsuya in front of him just the fragment of his imagination?
Upon seeing Akashi's reaction, Kuroko's smile turned into a bitter one. He thought the same as well; it was just too impossible to be able to see Akashi again. "Akashi-kun," he softly said, "I know you must be thinking that it is impossible for me to be here, but," he stopped midway to restrain himself from crying, "...I'm here now."
Akashi hadn't moved even an inch. "Tetsuya..." he responded with a choke, "I know you'll come back to me. You won't leave again, right?"
He was beyond happy; his Tetsuya was finally coming back to him after a month full of sadness. He was finally here with him, just like what he'd wished to God; just like what he'd prayed for every night. His heart felt like bursting out because of the overwhelming feelings. And he would've ran to him to make his feelings better again when Kuroko's next words hit him hard, stopping him from doing so.
"I can't come back to you, Akashi-kun. I'm sorry."
Akashi's heart dropped, "But... why?"
"We live in the different world now." Kuroko explained, he looked so sad that Akashi wanted to brush off the sadness the bluehead was feeling, if only he could. "Akashi-kun, hadn't I told you before? If I left, please don't get distressed over my death. Meet a new love and live happily," his eyes shifted towards Akashi's bed, motioning him to look at his notes, "But, what are you doing here?"
"Tetsuya, how could you say that?" Akashi balled his fists, and Kuroko looked back to him with a sad smile, "How could you ask me to find someone else? How could I not get distressed when you were gone? How could you even leave me?" he desperately let out all the things he'd kept for so long. He didn't care about his image as the ruthless Akashi Seijuurou. He just wanted his Tetsuya to come back to his arms again.
Kuroko's eyes widened in surprise when he saw Akashi falling on his knees, he unconsciously ran towards him, squatting down in front of him. His heart hurt seeing Akashi like that, but he couldn't do anything; he could no longer touch him, even.
Slightly looking up, Akashi stared at Kuroko as he painfully asked, "Tetsuya, do you love me?"
Tears welling up in his eyes, Kuroko nodded frantically, "Of course, Akashi-kun, of course." he managed to choke out, "I love you, so much."
Akashi smiled widely, for the first time since Kuroko had left him, and whispered, "If so, Tetsuya, you... you have to come back to me," he lifted his right hand to touch Kuroko's face, but he blinked in confusion when his hand went through Kuroko's face; he was transparent. "T-Tetsuya...?"
Kuroko smiled back, couldn't hide his emotions any longer as his eyes told the redhead that he was as hurt as him. "I'm dead, Akashi-kun. Have you forgotten about that?" he, too, whispered, and Akashi shook his head. "Therefore, I can't come back to you."
"...no."
"Akashi-kun has a good life ahead of him." Kuroko continued bitterly, "And, even though I want to be with you for so long, I can't."
"NO!" Akashi suddenly shouted, surprising Kuroko who, in return, stared at the usually composed Akashi in silence. "Tetsuya, you should come back. You can't leave me alone. Never!"
"Akashi-kun," Kuroko tried, "You have to let me go. I've already died, and you, you're still alive, Akashi-kun."
But Akashi was too stubborn, "I can't, Tetsuya," he shook his head yet again, "I can't bear living without you." he touched Kuroko's face, although he couldn't feel his warmth anymore. "If you want me to stay alive, then you have to always be with me."
Kuroko thought he couldn't feel Akashi again, but the hand on his cheek was surprisingly warm, "No, Akashi-kun. You have to stay alive without me. For me."
Akashi was surprised when he saw Kuroko's body slowly, yet surely, disappeared into the thin air. He was trying to catch him but to no avail. "T-Tetsuya, where are you going?"
"I'll be going to somewhere far away now, Akashi-kun," Kuroko said, smiling. It wasn't a sad smile, it was more like a relief smile, as tears were streaming down his cheeks. "Thank you, Akashi-kun, this is the best birthday I've ever had."
"No! Tetsuya, you can't go!"
This time, Kuroko was the one who shook his head. His smile never left his face, as he was seen glowing under the dim light. "Akashi-kun, thank you for being a wonderful person for me. Thank you for always bringing me happiness for the past years. Thank you for making me smile. Thank you for being with me during my hardest time. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you, thank you for everything, Akashi-kun," he managed to whisper out his last words, "I love you."
And with that, Kuroko's spirit was no longer there.
"NO! TETSUYA!" Akashi screamed as he looked around, desperately trying to find Kuroko. "Tetsuya, come back! Don't leave! Why are you so cruel? Tetsuya! Don't leave me!"
The rustling sound was heard from the outside of his room, and his father, Akashi Masaomi, along with a doctor and nurse, come in hurriedly when they heard Akashi's screams. They were shocked upon seeing Akashi's current condition.
"Seijuurou! What happened?"
"Father! Father!" Akashi stood up, facing his father in panic. It was the first for the elder Akashi to see his proud son like that. "Tell Tetsuya to not leave me! Tetsuya can't leave! Never!"
"Seijuurou..." Masaomi exhaled, "Tetsuya-kun has long gone..."
"No, he hasn't! He's here awhile ago! But, where is Tetsuya now, father? Where is he? I want to see Tetsuya!" Akashi screamed again, "TETSUYA, COME BACK!"
"Akashi-san," the doctor called out as he tried to stop Akashi from hurting himself,"At this rate,we should send Akashi-kun to the mental asylum as soon as possible."
Masaomi was taken by surprise, "What? God, my son..." he held Akashi's hand, looking at him sadly.
"Father, please, stop Tetsuya from leaving! Tetsuya, don't leave me again! Tetsuya! TETSUYA!"
Akashi was never once someone who'd cry easily.
But that night, for the first time since he lost his mother, he cried as Kuroko disappeared from his sight, like a wind, he was gone and would never come back.
/
a/n: I don't even know why did I even write this piece of crap so please kindly forgive me as this is my first attempt at angst ;~; and the OOCness, odg please, please forgive me ;;;;;;;;
footnote: in case you're wondering, Akashi was admitted to the hospital because he'd repeatedly tried to commit suicide.