Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of Paramount.
...
Shadow by Jenstar
Episode Addition to Extreme Risk.
Janeway hesitated outside the mess hall doors suddenly unsure of what she intended to say to her troubled chief engineer. She had grown so accustomed to burying her own feelings for the sake of her crew that the thought of laying herself bare emotionally was more terrifying than coming face to face with the Borg Queen.
Steeling herself, she stepped forwards through the doors and squinted into the darkness of the mess hall. Kathryn almost smiled when she spotted B'Elanna sitting gazing out at the stars as she herself had done many times in exactly the same place. If B'Elanna noticed her captain entering the room she didn't let on and Kathryn stood unsure of how to make her presence known.
Eventually she moved slowly across the room and took a seat next to Torres, her eyes drawn out towards the stars.
'Are you alright captain?'
The concern in the younger woman's voice made Kathryn's heart ache and she took a steadying breath.
'When I was 27 my father and my fiancé were killed in a shuttle accident. I was the only survivor.'
Kathryn glanced sideways to see B'Elanna's confused expression before continuing.
'I didn't understand why I survived and they didn't and I had no idea who I was without them, or how my life was supposed to go on...I lost who I was. I shut myself in my room and lay in my bed, alone with my thoughts and my incredible guilt...'
Kathyrn took a deep breath realising how much emotion was already creeping into her voice.
'I was in a very dark place. My mom and sister couldn't understand why I was punishing myself so much and I don't think I knew myself, all I knew was that my life was over. I could see no future. All my hopes and dreams had been replaced with this aching void inside me. I think my family thought I was being selfish – I know Phoebe thought I was attention seeking and that I should be stronger for mom, but I just didn't know how. Eventually Phoebe threw freezing cold water over me in bed to make me leave it. I was so angry but I couldn't find the words to express what I felt ... I don't remember ever thinking that I wanted to die but I don't think I particularly cared if I lived.'
Kathryn was stunned to hear her own voice break with emotion as she admitted something she had never admitted to anyone before. She turned towards B'Elanna with tears in her eyes and noted the single tear that was creeping down B'Elanna's cheek.
'I know you don't want to talk, god knows it was the last thing I wanted to do. But if you ever need anything, anything at all, my door is always open to you.' Kathryn reached out and took B'Elanna's hand in hers. 'I can't guarantee this will ever really go away...this shadow that's always there in the back of my mind. Sometimes I don't notice it for months, other times I can feel it creeping back... '
Kathryn's voice gave up as tears began to fall. She gave B'Elanna's hand a squeeze and then stood up and started towards the mess hall doors.
'Like in the void?'
B'Elanna's soft voice broke the silence and Kathryn turned back and met her eyes.
'Yeah, like in the void.' Replied Kathryn quietly.
'But you seem ok now.'
Kathryn wasn't sure whether that was a statement or a question but she just nodded gently.
'I have purpose,' she said with a small smile.
B'Elanna wiped her cheek with the back of her hand. 'It's that easy?'
Kathryn sighed heavily. 'No. But you have so much to live for B'Elanna. You're a brilliant engineer, a wonderful person and you have a man who adores you. You'll find your way, I know you will.'
'I glad you think so,' mumbled B'Elanna dropping her head into her hands. Kathryn walked back to her and lifted her chin with her index finger so B'Elanna's gaze met hers; something she had done only days previously in sickbay.
'I don't think, I know.'
Fin