Business hadn't been good that week. This was the second customer in two days claiming they hadn't received their shipment of diabolical goods. Normally, Black Hat wouldn't care about the complaints of a lesser villain, especially one who was only just now learning how to sacrifice human children to nameless deities existing beyond the scope of standard mortal comprehension, but aside from being a mastermind hero-killer, he was also a master business man. And a business man of his caliber had a reputation to maintain. Sure, smiting a client into nonexistence was the easiest way to handle matters (this he knew from experience), but he also knew that solving things diplomatically generated far better reputational net gain than did killing clients. Yes, lesser villains should be terrified of Black Hat Organization, but they shouldn't be so terrified that they were afraid to open their wallets.
Of course, as a result of this business predicament, Black Hat hadn't slept well in two days; and as a result of having not slept well in two days, his neck felt stiffer than a day-old corpse.
Wincing as another jolt of pain flashed itself across his knot of taut muscles, Black Hat reached for another unsigned document, only to spill the entire contents of his inkwell across the page when the door to his office burst open with such a force that it made the window panes tremble.
"Oh, Hattie!" In time with her sing-song announcement, his partially-reptilian lackey pranced her way across his office to lean dramatically against his desk. "I come bearing a delivery!"
Suddenly Black Hat's head hurt about as much as his neck.
Demencia held a small cardboard box aloft. "Flug finally finished that disintegration ray you asked for." She leaned in, uncomfortably close, so near he could smell the cloyingly awful scent of her fruit-scented perfume, and dropped her voice to a whisper. "He says it actually works this time."
God, how he wished Flug himself had come to deliver the device. Flug would politely slink in like the cowardly whelp he was, stammer out some sort of groveling testimony to the quality of his invention, and then leave. Short, sweet, and full of fear, just how Black Hat liked his underlings. Demencia, on the other hand, was bold and fearless. He could transform into any number of shapes that would drive a normal man to suicide with madness, but Demencia would just swoon and drool like she was staring at her prince charming rather than into the hellish abyss. Black Hat could never tell if she was insane or just plain stupid. He suspected a little of both. But regardless of her intellectual prowess, there was one thing Black Hat knew for certain about Demencia: she had a habit of lingering.
"Yes, lovely," Black Hat said, his tone clipped in irritation. "Now, set it down next to my desk and leave."
She performed half of his request perfectly.
Black Hat pointedly ignored her and busied himself with cleaning up the soiled papers, but eventually the tension of having her shadow looming over him in silence became too much to bear. He sighed and looked up at her as best as his stiff neck would allow.
"What do you want?" The words tumbled out in a low and threatening growl.
Unperturbed by his barely concealed rage, Demencia batted her heavily-painted eyelashes at him. "Why are you holding your head all funny like that?"
"I'm not," he said, wincing as he unsuccessfully attempted to straighten his aching neck.
"Oh, really?" Demencia cocked her head, mimicking his pained posture. "Then why are you looking at me sideways?"
Black Hat's claws dug into his pile of ruined documents and a torrent of foul phrases rose to his lips, but before he could get even one syllable of the venomous onslaught out, Demencia had flounced behind him and was wiggling her eager fingers inches away from his neck.
"I'd say someone's feeling a bit stiff." Laughing, Demencia pressed both hands to the back of his neck and positioned her thumbs adjacent to either side of his spine.
Black Hat stiffened against her touch, preparing to teleport away in exasperation, but something about the way her hands felt against his skin made him hesitate. Perhaps it was the alarming softness of her hands – how her palms felt silky and warm despite her penchant for battling heroes in ways that should have left them rough and calloused – or perhaps it was the scent of her strawberry shampoo that he said he detested but secretly liked. Whatever it was, it made him hesitate long enough to realize the press of her strong thumbs against his aching neck felt damn good.
He sighed, a rattling purr of a sound, and relaxed into her touch, shifting his shoulders to give her better leverage as he felt the comfortable not-quite-pain of taut muscle loosening and popping. She might not be the best at staying quiet or keeping clean, but Demencia made a surprisingly good masseuse.
Demencia's long lime and red hair tickled his neck as she leaned in close, her thumbs moving in tight little circles along his spine. When Black Hat allowed himself another contented sigh – for he truly was pleased that she had successfully found a way to untangle his knotted muscles – he could hear her attempting to silence her poorly contained sounds of glee. For a moment he considered telling her to pipe down, but then he thought better of it. As annoying as Demencia could be, it felt nice to be worshiped so absolutely.
Once the pain had ebbed away from a sharp agony to a dull albeit bearable ache, Black Hat stood and gently waved Demencia away. "Alright, you've had your fun. Be gone. I have a mess to clean up."
"How about a thank you kiss?" Demencia grinned and pointed to her cheek, fluttering her eyelashes at him in a way that was dually infuriating and endearing.
"No."
"Alright, then." She pouted with only partial sincerity. "How about just a normal thank you?"
Black Hat stammered for a moment, amazed that she had the audacity to continue this game with a creature such as himself. "Fine," he growled, "thank you for fixing the crick in my neck. Now, get lost."
With a shrill squeal of delight Demencia pranced out of his office. Moments later, from somewhere down the hallway, he could faintly hear her joyously howl the words, "I knew he loved me!"
Black Hat chewed his lower lip as he gathered up the torn, ink-stained papers, only just barely holding a smile at bay.