The Legend of Zelda: Insert Subtitle Here by GlassSuicune
Note: Nintendo owns The Legend of Zelda, because they're just cool like that. Out-Of-Characterness abounds.
Chapter 1: In Which the Quest Obviously Begins.
Oh, hello there! I am Glass the Suicune, and I am here to spread knowledge, and all sorts of other enlightenment!
...Just kidding, I'm here to write a Legend of Zelda fanfiction in the way that only I can...
"...Could this day get any worse...?" Link groaned, "All I was doing was walking around my home village, minding my own business, when suddenly this kirin-thing calling herself a Suicune shows up, smacks me with her staff, and next thing I know, I'm trapped on a deserted island with Midna," he then paused for a moment, looking at Midna, "...How did you get here anyway?"
Ignoring the fact that the island was basically the size of a small raft, Midna looked up at Link. "Plot Hole," she stated plainly, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Besides, it was either getting stuck with me, or Navi. Now, I don't know about you, but I'd choose me in a heartbeat when presented with such a choice," she then scooped up some sand and made a sandwich-shape out of it, offering it to the very disgruntled Hylian as a gesture of 'good will', "Sandwich?"
Link let out a scream of rage, leaped at Midna and grabbed her. We'll never figure just what he was going to do, as the island couldn't handle so much weight on just one side, and immediately flipped over.
...not very sanely.
"...Where is Princess Zelda?" a very disgruntled, er, grunt groaned, aimlessly wandering Hyrule Castle in daylight of all times, "Please tell me she isn't in another castle! They only paid me to kidnap her from one castle!" The armoured not-bright-guy then turned to an incredibly suspicious person in a blue dress, with a crown, wearing a Pikachu mask, and reading a newspaper while sitting on a bench. "Hey, you there!" he cried, causing the person to look up from the newspaper, "Have you seen Princess Zelda anywhere?" The totally-not-suspicious-person considered his question carefully. "...Pika?" came a very well-thought answer, accompanied by the person pointing in the direction of a door.
"Gee, thanks!"
For the reader's information, that door leads to a room where all the guards are on break, engaged in epic tournaments of table tennis. Because table tennis is serious business, and should never be interrupted. Especially by dumb bad guys trying to kidnap a Royal Family member.
Ah, I can hear his shrieks of terror already...
"...That actually worked?" Zelda inquired to no one, dumb struck as she removed the Pikachu mask, "I sincerely hope Ganondorf didn't hire that guy. That's just embarrassing." She then shrugged and walked off, deciding to leave the castle before all the guards chose to turn it into a high-security prison due to the intruder.
She came to the main entrance and saw only one guard standing near it, briefly wondering where the second went. Ignoring that for a second, she reached into her bag, pulling out a Twinkie and a slingshot. She examined the guard's stance with expert precision, aiming the slingshot carefully, before releasing and launching the Twinkie airborne, in front of his vision.
"OH SWEET PINEAPPLES A TWINKIE FROM THE HEAVENS!"
And thus, the guard chased the Twinkie into Castle Town, possibly beyond. Maybe even to the vastness of space. I dunno.
Deciding she shouldn't wait for the other guard, Zelda promptly ran out of the castle. Her journey, however, was cut abruptly short, as the second guard reached out from behind a tree and grabbed her, pulling her to his eye-level. "...A Twinkie distracted Ralph..." the guard groaned, glaring at the princess, "And if a Twinkie is used for anything other than eating, it can only mean one thing..." Zelda contemplated what the guard was getting at. "Obviously it means someone decided to be more creative." she stated plainly.
"No! It means you're doing something you know you shouldn't be doing! And this is the sixth time this week you've distracted Ralph with a Twinkie! AND IT'S ONLY MONDAY!"
"It's not my fault he has such a short attention span. Now let me go. I've got things to do, places to see, and people to annoy."
The guard gave Zelda a rather crooked grin in response. "Oh, I see how it is..." he started, a fairly dangerous tone in his voice, "You want me, a castle guard, to be a nice guy and let you, the princess, out into the world on your own." Zelda responded by staring briefly. "Duh." was the only word she said afterwards.
"Ah, but if I'm a nice guy and do that...I could lose my job, or worse, get kicked out of Hyrule in general."
"Pretty much."
"Yeah, well, I'm not a nice guy! And I'm not going to let you out of this castle even with adult supervision! You can't be trusted!"
With that, the guard then began the difficult task of dragging Zelda back into the castle. He ignored everything she threw at him, and indeed, she threw many things at him. Such as a piano, a Piko Piko Hammer, a frog, a bone complete with a rather ticked off dog attached to it, a baseball bat, Luigi's hat (don't ask why she thought that would work), a shield with a smiley face painted on it, a toothbrush, a random book about how to treat royalty, and since you're probably wondering, yes, she also threw a kitchen sink at him. Nothing worked. Evidently, the guard was prepared for pretty much anything she could possibly dish out.
"Now stay here and please don't try anything else!" the guard shouted, exasperated, shoving Zelda into her room, "...You know what? Maybe I should just stay here and watch you." Zelda simply ignored him and walked off to a corner in her room, where black paint was kept. The guard watched stupidly as the extremely odd princess began painting a black circle on the very expensive stone floor.
"...Princess Zelda, what are you doing?" the guard finally asked, as Zelda finished painting, "Actually, never mind. Whatever it is you're doing, just stop doing it." Zelda merely gave him an unamused expression. "Pfft, I'm making modern art!" she insisted, before saying in a more hushed tone, "I shall call this piece of modern art...Escape Route."
"...Huh?"
Zelda gave him no response, instead jumping into the black circle and disappearing. They say that poor guard's scream of denial and terror could be heard for miles. Even in the sky above.
Meanwhile, in Skyloft...
"...What was that?" a random knight asked no one in particular, as he heard a very piercing scream. The Loftwing he was riding attempted to shrug in response, managing to achieve its desired action slightly. Finally, the two just ignored it altogether and continued flying.
Well, whaddya know. I was right.
Meanwhile, in another part of this vast land of...vastness...
"...Give me one good reason why I shouldn't destroy you until radar will be needed to find what's left of you..." Link threatened, glaring at Midna as a group of Moblins surrounded them menacingly, leaving no way to escape. Because obviously, this was Midna's fault and hers alone. After all, she's the one who figured out how to get off that island, so anything that happened afterwards was her responsibility. "...I'll have to get back to you on that one." Midna replied shakily, backing away from him slightly.
"...That's it...!"
"H-hey! Keep that sword away from me! It's pointy!"
The Moblins chose to stand and stare as the crazed Hylian continued to point his sword at the visibly frightened Twili, who began naming many very strange reasons as to why Link most definitely didn't want to go through with what he was planning. Nothing seemed to work; if anything, every reason she gave only served to make him even angrier.
"W-wait, it's not me you're mad at!" Midna finally cried in desperation, putting her hands in front of her face defensively. "...Oh really?" Link inquired, voice dripping with skepticism, "Then who is it?"
"It's the Moblins, of course! Don't you get it? They stole your French fries!"
She received a very deadpan response, "...That is not going to work."
"...I figured it was worth a shot..."
Suddenly, a voice that didn't belong to Link, Midna, or any of the Moblins yelled at the top of their lungs, "COWABUNGA!"
"What the...!" Link was never able to finish his sentence, as Zelda promptly landed on him, knocked him out, and shoved his face in the mud, having fallen from somewhere in the sky. Midna stood there blinking stupidly for a few seconds, coming to the realization that Link's sword was in the mud and in fact, not pointed at her. "What excellent timing you have!" she declared, not expecting Zelda to respond. Which is a good thing, because she didn't respond.
"...What did I land on?" Zelda asked, before looking down at her feet, "Oh, it's just Link. Pfft. Problem solved." With that, she got off of him and turned to face the Moblins, who looked very afraid as they recognized her. "AH! IT'S THE TWINKIE-OBSESSED DEMON FROM HYRULE CASTLE!" they screamed as they ran away in terror.
"So my face gives Moblins nightmares?" Zelda inquired, chewing on a Twinkie thoughtfully, "Good to know." Afterwards, Link groaned in pain and sat up, wiping as much mud from his face as he could, as well spit out any that managed to make it into his mouth. When he was done with that, he turned to face her. "...Princess, what are you doing here?" he asked, "Better yet, how did you get here?"
"Dude, I have a name. It's Zelda. Z-E-L-D-A. Got it? Good. And I came from a Plot Hole, understand? That's all you need to know!"
"...Okay then..."
With that, Zelda's expression morphed to a worried expression, and she began looking through the mud. "...What are you doing?" Link dared to ask, sure he'd regret it. "I'm looking for Bob." Zelda answered, as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.
"...Who's Bob?"
"Pfft. He's my crown. I dropped him on my way here."
"...Seems pretty legit to me." Midna said in a rather serious tone, staring at Zelda's head, which had a lovely silver crown with sapphires on it. She stared at the crown long and hard, then decided it wasn't worth mentioning to the Hylian princess. Instead, she felt there were much more pressing matters, and she promptly got her voice out:
"Hey guys, I'm pretty sure us meeting here was not by chance, but destiny. And I'm pretty sure our destiny is to work together, go on an epic quest, obtain a big shiny sword-"
Link cut her off, "The Master Sword is not just a big shiny sword! It is the Evil's Bane!"
Midna ignored him, "...and take said big, shiny, and extremely sharp sword from its stone like King Arthur did to Excalibur, and then we have to go carefully, because one does not simply walk into Mordor. Actually, let's just walk into Mordor. I hear there's not much traffic around the gate nowadays. So, we walk into Mordor, we find Ganondorf, then we use the big, shiny, and definitely dangerous sword to destroy his Eclipse Cannon, thus ending his reign of terror and pizza-banning. Any questions?"
And then, there was silence. Mostly from Link being too dumb struck to say anything and Zelda just plain not caring.
"...What, no crickets for emphasis?" Midna questioned, "Lame!" With that, she crossed her arms and pouted, in an attempt to look as pathetic as possible.
"...Zelda, if you're looking for your crown..." Link started, daring to question the Hylian Princess' logic, "...Why is there one on your head?" Zelda stopped looking through the mud and stood upright, then turned to face him. "Pfft, this crown isn't Bob!" she replied, pointing to the crown for emphasis, "This is Steve! He's my backup crown in case Bob goes missing!"
Link only stared blankly at her, unsure of how to respond to what he just heard. Zelda rolled her eyes and then continued searching for her crown, looking a bit annoyed. Midna then walked closer to Link, and chose to lead him a few feet away from Zelda. "Look, I can help you understand Insane People, if you want." she informed him, a sly grin on her face. "...Okay, how?" he inquired, not looking all that impressed.
"Here's the first step to understanding an Insane Person. You don't understand them. You just don't. The sooner you accept this, the easier your life will be. Another important to thing to know is that Insane People see things differently, and that you're always wrong. No exceptions. You're just wrong. You're wrong that you're Sane, you're wrong about life in general, you're wrong about what tastes good on a sandwich, and for all you know, Zelda probably sees the sky as orange with purple polka dots."
Link could only give her a skeptical expression in response, then looked at Zelda. "Hey, Zelda?" he asked, raising his voice enough so she could hear him. "What?" came the very annoyed response, as Zelda was once again interrupted from her very important search.
"Is the sky orange with purple polka dots?"
"Ah pfft. Everyone knows it's purple with orange polka dots! Now leave me alone!"
As Zelda renewed her search with even more determination, Link turned to Midna, looking very annoyed. "Okay, so I had it in reverse!" Midna shouted, putting her hands up defensively, "No need to be cranky! But seriously. Don't question the things Insane People do. It's not worth it. Just ask Twilight Sparkle." Link's expression turned puzzled. "...Who's that?" he asked, dumb struck.
"...Need to know basis. Just forget I said anything."
"Bob!" Zelda suddenly cried, pulling out her crown out of the mud, "I found you at last! I...I thought I lost you! Don't you ever frighten me like that again, do you understand?" Apparently unwilling to share her enthusiasm, Link rolled his eyes in response. "Great," he said, voice laced with boredom, "Can we get out of this forest now?"
"Can't. Bob needs surgery."
With that, Zelda held up her crown for all to see, showing how mud-covered it was. "...You've got to be kidding me!" Link cried out, exasperated, "First I get stuck on that island with Midna, then we get attacked by Moblins, then you fall from the sky and lose your crown, only to find it and claim it needs surgery? What next? Is there a spirit in my sword that I don't know about?"
Immediately after Link had said those fateful words, his sword glowed and the spirit within it jumped out of it. "You called, Master?" Fi asked with her almost robotic voice, "How may I assist you?" Link's only response was to scream and jump back, away from the hovering sword spirit, much to her confusion. "You...you can help by not talking for a few seconds..." Link breathed, shaking uncontrollably, "Oh, I just had to tempt fate, didn't I?"
"Oh cool, we got a new party member!" Midna cried, a wry grin on her face. "Pfft, this isn't an RPG!" Zelda shouted, having successfully cleaned off Bob, "This! Is! A! FANFICTION!"
"...A what?" Link shrieked, looking more and more terrified by the second. "Eh, I can't divulge that information..." Midna responded seriously, "It's for your own safety."
As the group continued to be confused and pretty much useless, one thing was very clear.
Somewhere in the galaxy, something went horribly wrong.
Note: ...Why do I feel the need to write insanity like this?