A/N: First thing I've published for Supernatural. This wouldn't get out of my head after I watched Hunter Heroici, so I wrote it down. Short drabble about how I sort of wish Dean had dealt with Cas's little confession, instead of just kinda ignoring it like he did. I was gonna turn this into smut, but the characters didn't want to go there just yet, so here's this instead. Enjoy.
"Because if I see what Heaven's become, what I...what I made of it…I'm afraid I might kill myself." The words rang in Dean's ears for hours after his angel had said them, preventing him from getting any kind of sleep. And really, wasn't that ridiculous? He knew Castiel could take care of himself. He couldn't have MEANT what he said…right?
Finally, Dean sits up with a sigh, deciding it's time to man up and stop ignoring the problem. As he had expected the angel was out of the chair and by his side in an instant. "Dean, is something wrong?"
"Yeah, Cas. Something's wrong. Just gimme a minute, okay? We'll go outside. I don't wanna wake Sammy." Cas backs away a little, and Dean reaches for his jeans and shoes, dressing quickly. "Okay. C'mon, let's go." He opens the door, gesturing for the angel to go through first, and then he closes the door quietly behind him, turning to see Cas watching his worriedly.
"Are you all right, Dean?" he asks, frowning.
"Yeah, Cas, I'm fine. You're not, though," he replies, pulling the angel over to a small bench near the Impala and sitting down, turning to face him. "Are you?"
Cas sighs. "Dean, you shouldn't worry about me. I'll be fine."
"Bull. Look, Cas, I'm sorry man, but you aren't okay. And I get that. I do. Hell, I wouldn't be okay if I went through what you did. But you've gotta stop blaming yourself. That's not doing anyone any good. Yeah, you screwed up, but you weren't trying to hurt anyone. You were trying to help, and you've sure as hell been working to fix it ever since, and kinda punishing yourself, too. Enough. It's gonna be okay. Cut yourself a break."
"Dean…how can you, of all people, say that to me? I hurt both you and your brother very badly because of what I did. You warned me, asked me to stop, told me what would happen, and even when I was too foolish to listen, you stayed, you didn't give up on me, you HELPED me, and I just kept hurting you. I don't understand!" Agitated, the angel stands and starts to pace. "I've done so much wrong. I can never BEGIN to atone, and you're asking me to forgive myself?"
"Whoa, whoa, easy, Cas." Dean jumps up and grabs Cas's shoulders firmly, stopping him. "Easy. Don't freak out on me, okay? Look, I was angry at first, when you broke Sam's wall, and ignored me when I asked you to stop, find another way, but…it's okay, Cas. I forgive you."
Cas draws away from Dean, staring at him with wide eyes. "You…forgive me? For everything I did to you? After all of that?"
Dean shrugs, half-smiling. "Well, yeah. Can't speak for Sammy, but I'm sure he'd say the same. You're family, Cas. No matter what crap you pull, you'll always BE family, and that means we'll forgive you. Got it?"
"I don't deserve that," Cas mutters, starting to turn away, but Dean tightens his grip on the angel's shoulders, keeping him in place.
"No. You don't. But I didn't deserve to be forgiven for what I did in Hell, and Sammy didn't deserve to be forgiven for ditching me and letting Lucifer out. We forgave each other anyway, and do what we can to make up for it. That's what you do for family. Heck, that's all we CAN do."
Cas finally looks up, meeting Dean's eyes. "You mean that? I'm…family?"
"Hell, yeah, you're family. You've saved our asses God knows how many times, and you've done way more'n anyone could be expected to, but you just keep comin' back for more. Cas, man, no matter how much bad you've done, you've still done a hell of a lot of good to make up for it." He grins. "I'm thinking we'll keep you around for a while yet. And before you ask, that was sarcasm, and I ain't kickin' you out, ever. Tell you what, you can even ride shotgun tomorrow. Sammy can stretch out in the back for once. How does that sound?"
Cas smiles hesitantly. "I…I'd like that very much. Thank you, Dean." Dean hears the sadness in his angel's voice start to ease, and he knows he means thank you for a lot more than just the front seat.
"Yeah, Cas. You're welcome. Now, c'mon, let's get back inside so I can get some shut-eye before tomorrow. Alright?" He lifts his hands away from Cas's shoulders only to find himself pulled into a sudden hug. "Oof. Hey, easy there, man." He hesitates for a second before giving in and wrapping his arms around Cas, holding him tightly until he feels the angel start to pull away.
"Thank you, Dean. I wasn't sure if that would be acceptable, but…humans do it all the time, and it seemed so comforting…I wanted to try it. I appreciate you allowing me to do that."
"No problem, Cas. I'm warning you now, though, if you tell ANYONE I did that, I will kick your ass. That is a promise. Got it? I don't do chick flick moments," Dean grumbles. That doesn't stop him from reaching for Cas's hand as they walk back to the motel room, though, even if he does turn bright red and refuse to meet Cas's eyes. Still, the angel smiles, understanding the words that Dean can't say yet and knowing that if he's patient enough, everything can finally be okay again. It'll always be okay, as long as they have each other, and as long as they're a family.
A/N: Review? I'll love you forever...