Disney Princess Therapy

by 875265

Being a Disney Princess ain't no picnic. What happens when Mickey-appointed therapist Aiden Melenoski is forced to play Psychologist for the Day and listen to all of their gripes and complaints? And I do believe there is a forgotten princess at this meeting... Who is she? What does she have to say about being abandoned by Disney? There's only one way to find out!

Disney Princess Therapy

By: Christian Capers!

The sky was clear, blue as the Circassian, and no clouds could be seen. The birds twittered and flitted about. The flowers were in bloom and all was peaceful in the city of Toontown.

But not for the Disney Princesses. Oh no.

For in the Disney Castle, their first therapy session was about to take place. Why do my childhood role models need a therapy session, you ask? Well, my friend, allow me to put this as lightly as I can. Some of the girls—they dare not say which—felt as if being married and on your own for the first time in their young lives was a bit scary/frustrating. Some just didn't even like their husbands. One wasn't even married!

The royals sat in a fresh, clean room that smelled of peppermint and cigarette smoke, and they arranged their seats so that they sat in an ellipse. At the tip sat Aiden Melenoski, who would be their psychologist for this lovely evening and who couldn't have been more than 22.

"Hi, everyone," Aiden greeted the princesses behind her glasses. "Hi. We are all at this therapy session because I'm here for you guys and your problems. Also, this is a safe space, so no ratting out each other, alright? Kay then. Who would like to start?"

The princesses remained silent.

"Okay? Alrighty. Then, we'll get out the Sticks of Death." Aiden picked out a popsicle stick from her pile of popsicle sticks and read the name imprinted on the back in Disney cursive. "Ariel."

Ariel cursed under her breath. Out of all the places to be this afternoon, sitting with some uppity, snotty princesses was not on the list. She obviously wanted to be sitting on her long, blue couch, you could tell that from her slouch. (Have I made a rhyme? )

She wore baggy, cerulean sweatpants that were too tight for her. Her hair—once a shiny, red and luscious sign of beauty than made little girls cry with envy—was now oily, poorly conditioned, greasy, stringy, and disgusting. Instead of her bangs staying bouncy and light above her forehead, they covered her eyes and were damp with sweat.

Also, over the years, she'd packed on a few pounds and her big beer belly poked out.

"Hello, Ariel," Aiden greeted. "Why are you here today?"

"Because Eric made me," Ariel snapped. Her voice—once beautiful enough to make sea witches jealous—had grown gruff and hoarse from years of yelling and smoking.

"Why is your voice so…mannish?" Aiden asked as delicately as possible. She leaned back in her seat, clicking her teeth with her pencil.

"It's my daughter's fault!" Ariel croaked.

"What did Melody do to deserve your wrath?"

"Aiden, she's gone crazy. Anything I tell her to do, she does the opposite. She just doesn't listen, she's a rebel. I just wanna choke her, shake her! But I can't…because Eric might notice…"

Snow White pressed her palm to her cheek in innocent shock.

"That's not all it is though, is it?" Aiden asked, lifting her clipboard and readjusting her glasses. "It says here that Melody never really forgave that entire secret double life thing of yours where you didn't tell her about your sea life. She just pretended because of the hidden cameras Mickey Mouse set up."

Ariel shifted in her seat. "Yeah well…"

"Melody also said that you were keeping her in a bubble—literally. Was this because your father was overprotective and you are unequivocally continuing the pattern?"

"Ariel has a daughter?" Aurora asked.

"Duh, Briar," Jasmine scoffed. "Where have you been?"

"In bed," Belle suggested, waggling her eyebrows to acknowledge the double entendre.

"Hold on, I'll get you next," Aiden told the gossiping girls. "Speaking of which, Ariel, how is your life…you know…under the cover?"

Ariel turned as crimson as her stringy locks. "There isn't any."

"Well, of course!" Jasmine cried, pointing at Ariel. "Eric couldn't bear to be flattened by a wooly mammoth!"

Ariel fixed her eyes on the ground. "Alright, alright, Jasmine. So I've put on a few pounds…"

"A few pounds?" she cackled. "When you were 16, teen boys in the theater swooned at your body. 13 years later, you weigh almost as much as an elephant! That's like 500 pounds per year, you big ox!"

"Jasmine, will you please zip it," Aiden hissed.

"Yeah, Jazzy. Be nice," Snow White whimpered.

"You shut up, ghost!" she yelled. "Skin white as snow. Do you really think that's attractive?"

"Hey!" Cinderella stood up. "My skin is just as light as hers!"

"As is mine!" Aurora agreed.

"Well, have you ever heard of a tanning bed? Both of you are WAY too pale! We need more colored princesses up in here!" And Jasmine got up to hi-five Pocahontas, Kida and Tiana.

"What about me?" Mulan asked. "I'm colored too. I'm Chinese for corn's sake!"

"But you're just as pale as they are!"

"Okay, guys, this is not a racial convention," Aiden interjected, even though she had a caramel complexion herself. Her words were met with "Yeah" and "Really"s from the pale princesses. "I don't even know how the heck we got on this subject…Kay. Next one." Aiden picked out a stick and read the next name. "Kida. Why are you here today?"

"Who the heck are you?" Jasmine asked her, staring.

"Yeah, who is this?" Belle asked.

"Is she new?" Pocahontas wondered.

"New princess!" Rapunzel air-clapped. "Yay!"

"That's why," Kida muttered and proceeded to stop out of the room.

"Oh now wait a minute, Kida!" Aiden said. "You don't need to get your feelings hurt, we're not here to attack you. Now go ahead and tell them who you are. Go on. Go on now, go on."

Kida inhaled deeply. This was the part that always made her want to smash in someone's face. She spun around to face the gaping princesses. "I'm not new," she announced and stood up straighter, a little more regal. "My name is Kidagakash."

There was no response from anyone.

"Princess Kida?"

Nothing.

"Princess Kidagakash Nedakh of Atlantis, okay? I'm from Atlantis: the Lost Empire! It was a movie just like all of yours! Come on! I paid a lot of money for those trailers!" she screamed, her Atlantean accent getting thicker.

"Atlantis?" Jasmine scoffed, waving her hand dismissively. "Atlantis doesn't even exist anymore. It's at the bottom of the ocean."

Kida flamed. "Well at least I'm not the ruler of some dump called Agrabah! Where the heck even is that on the map?! At least I rule a real place!"

"Relax, Kida, relax," Cinderella soothed.

Kida turned on her. "And where do you live, Ash Head? Belerania? That's not even a real place! And Snow White, what about you? Germany? Ha, that's a hot one because you don't even SOUND German! I bet Aurora doesn't even know where she lives, do you?!"

Aurora looked down at her lap, her golden locks hiding her face.

"Me, Belle, Tiana and Pocahontas all rule lands on the map!"

"What about me," Mulan asked, growing angry. "Why does everyone keep forgetting about me? China is a real place."

"Yeah but you're not even a real princess. You never were. Heck, all you did was pretend to be a man so you could meet some dudes!"

"Hello, can we please get back to you?" Aiden asked.

Kida flopped back in her chair and crossed her arms like a spoiled child.

"Maps?" Aiden repeated. "Is that what this is about? You nearly had a breakdown because Atlantis isn't on the map?"

"That's part of it," Kida groaned. "No one ever knows who I am. I am a princess too, okay? I was…born…royal…too." Her nostrils flared dangerously.

The princesses all exchanged glances.

"It really hurts me that I'm not considered a princess because of my movie's low ratings. I practically gave me entire life to save my people while all Esmeralda did was shake her bonbons and flirt with every male character in hers!"

"Kida?" Aiden instructed. "Stay with me."

"Every time I see those dumb Disney princess dolls in the store I just want to knock them off the shelf and pound their pretty little heads in!"

"Goodness," Pocahontas whispered, putting a hand on her heart.

"I am now a queen, for Pete's sake." Kida rolled up her tattoo. "See this tattoo? Why don't I get a doll of me? Why can't I be on the lunchboxes? Why didn't I get a segment on If You Can Dream? And why isn't Milo considered a Disney Prince? I feel like all because I didn't sing a song in my movie, people are starting to ignore—"

"Okay, stop right there because that is a complete load of crap," Aiden said. "You're not considered a Disney Princess not because you didn't sing. Merida is here and she didn't sing."

Merida shyly raised a hand. "Hi, peeps."

"Mickey Mouse just says that your movie didn't garner a strong enough reaction out of the girls aged 5-11 at the movies," Aiden continued.

"Mickey Mouse? Mickey Mouse? I'll boil the big rodent in hot oil—"

"No, no. Let's have none of that."

"…Well, he should have some consideration. After all, I've worked long and hard for my title! You don't understand the-the-the blood, sweat and tears that go into being a princess of a poverty-stricken city!"

Some of the princesses rolled their eyes. Kida was just beating a dead horse now.

"Well, fine, then. Forget about me, like you always do. But what about poor Eilonwy at the bottom of the cellar, screaming what did I do wrong?"

The princesses collectively moaned in sympathy at the poor forgotten girl.

"And you all forget about poor Nausicaa! Huh? Why isn't she included in your little franchise? Couldn't stand to have a third ginger in the group, Ariel?!"

Ariel stuck out her tongue at Kida, but it went by unseen.

"Nausicaa," Cinderella repeated.

"Never heard of her," Ariel dismissed.

"Exactly," Kida asserted. "She's a princess and she's from a Disney movie from apparently that's not good enough for you all. We actually get up off our lazy butts and go out to defend our kingdom and all you do is sit in your stupid thrones shouting more champagne, darling!"

"Kida, we all know that you're frustrated…" Rapunzel started.

"No you don't!" Kida shrieked. "You don't know how I feel! You're all so sheltered and living your comfortable lifestyles while when I was a tot I lost my mother! Okay? I bet none of y'all have ever lost a very special person—"

"Stop right there," Aiden said over the protesting of others. "Just a minute. Rapunzel and Merida and Mulan and Aurora are the only ones here who haven't have lost a parent. And there are 11 girls here. Snow White, you start by saying who died in your family and go down in chronological order. Go."

"I'm an orphan," she said, burying her head in her hands.

"So am I," Cinderella murmured, wiping away a tear.

"I was 5 years old when I lost my mom," Ariel said.

"Me too, but I wasn't 5," said Belle. "I was like 2months old."

"I'm mom-less too," Jasmine added.

"Me four," Pocahontas said.

"Dad-less." Tiana raised her hand. "He died on my 11th birthday."

"There you have it," Aiden smirked. "Poetry."

"Well I bet you didn't see your mother actually get taken in front of your eyes," Kida retaliated. "I don't know where she is. So ha."

"Okay, so you're better than us!" Belle shouted. "What's your point?"

"No point," she said. "I just like to remind you once in a while."

"Okay, Sticks of Death!" Aiden cheered as she plucked out another stick. "Snow White?"

"Whoopee," she muttered under her breath.

"Why are you here today?"

"Because my husband made me! I didn't even want to be here!"

"What is your husband's name?" Merida asked.

Snow White sighed. "No one knows," she admitted. "He won't even tell me."

"Wait, hold on," Belle interjected. "So you married someone whose name you didn't even know?"

"Like you're any better!" Jasmine snapped. "I heard you don't even know your husband's name either."

Belle blushed. "Well at least I call him something. The Master. What do you call your hubby, Snow?"

Snow White put her head in her hands. "He said to just call him Cutesy-Wutesy, Angel-Face, Honey Bear, Pooky, Punky, Honey Bunny, Dumpling, Pudd'n, Girly and Sexy Wexy!"

The princesses who were trying desperately to stifle their laughter, ended up exploding in a fit of hysterics. Cinderella snorted, Aurora started foaming at the mouth, Ariel was laughing so hard it didn't make any sound, Belle was making loud, gasping guttural sounds, Pocahontas had the hiccups, Mulan was heaving trying to catch her breath, Kida was slapping her thighs, Tiana was rolling around on the ground, Rapunzel collapsed against Merida and they were giggling like maniacs.

"Not very nice," Snow White mumbled. "How are we supposed to form a marital bond if he won't even tell me his name?"

"Why do you have to know so badly, Snow?" Kida asked, wiping away tears of glee.

"Because…because I just have to!"

"She's right, y'all," Tiana said. "It's all in the name, girlfriend. That's why I fell for Naveen. I just love the way his voice sounds. Na-veen, Na-veen, Na-veen."

"Untrue," Rapunzel argued. "I married my boo even though his name is Eugene Fitzherbert."

"Yes, Punzy-wunzykins, we know. In fact, you've told us ten millions times yesterday," Jasmine reminded sweetly.

"People, be still!" Aiden shouted. "Now, Snow, is that why your marriage is so strained?"

Snow White nodded, her irises getting big and watery.

"Oh brother," Jasmine groaned. "Listen, ghost—"

"Snow White," she whined.

"Geshundteit. Anyway. I looked it up on the Disney wiki last night and apparently his name is…"

Snow White gripped her head in curious anxiety.

"…is…"

"What's his name? What's his name?!"

"…is…"

"Oh for the love of Pete, Jasmine, spit it out," Belle said. "You're not being slick, I hope you know."

Jasmine shot her daggers. "His name is Buckethead."

"What?" Snow White looked worried. "Buckethead…are you serious? You're not just sayin' this for…"

"That's what the site said," she shrugged.

"No. That's a lie. You're lying, Jasmine!"

"I swear to Abu, that's his real name!"

"Maybe he was ashamed of it and decided to keep it from you until the right time," Mulan suggested.

Snow White shook her head and curled into fetal position in her chair. Her shoulders started shaking and the girls could hear soft whimpering sounds.

Aiden's eyebrow twitched. "Okay then, while Snow White gets herself together, allow me to pick another stick." She grabbed a stick from the pile and read the name aloud. "Cinderella."

"What's up with your eyes?" Kida asked, leaning forward in her chair. "I didn't even notice that you had that much eyeliner."

"Yeah, you caked it on pretty hard there, girl." Tiana said, leaning forward. Sure enough, Cinderella's light blue eyes were lined with dark eye makeup.

"As a Disney Princess, we try to strive for a fresh, natural look and all that eyeliner gives you a very weird, scary, unnatural look." Snow White commented, totally fine now.

"So?" Jasmine asked. "I wore eyeliner in Aladdin and no one seemed to mind."

"Eyeliner scares me to death," Ariel murmured. "I just keep thinking that you're going to poke your eye out. I can't stand watching Melody do it in the morning."

"What about when you, like, scratch your eye, like, downwards and it gets all mixed in your eyeball…" Aurora trailed off. The two princesses grasped hands and squealed in disgust.

"But in all seriousness," Aiden said, readjusting her ever-slippery glasses. "Eyeliner is fine and all, but if you put on that much on an everyday basis, it can't be healthy for your pores. Now I want you to go into the bathroom and wash it all off because we're about healing today, not hiding behind a mask."

Cinderella didn't move.

"Cindy? What's the matter?"

She shifted in her seat and jerked her chin up. "I'm not wearing eyeliner."

All of the Disney Princesses erupted in a chorus of shocked screams. "OOOOOHHHH!" they went.

"So what," Rapunzel started as the noise simmered down. "Are those just bags under your eyes?"

"I didn't go to sleep until, like, three hours ago," Cindy muttered.

"I've never seen bags that bad," Aiden said in disbelief. "I only get like 20 minutes of sleep a night and I don't have them at all." Everyone stared at her. "My job is hard," she explained.

"If it makes you feel any better," Pocahontas consoled, "I don't know what eyeliner is, but I'm glad you don't wear it, Cinderella. It sounds painful."

"Why did you only get three hours of sleep in the first place?" Mulan asked.

"I didn't get three hours of sleep," Cinderella corrected. "I went to sleep three hours ago. I only got a measly hour and a half of good ole' R&R. And it was all because my stupid husband kept hogging the sheets!" She rose her hand. "Yeah, and let me just say for the record that I have no idea what my guy's name is, so if anyone could point that out to me, that would be grand."

"What is with you guys marrying guys whose names you don't even know?" Aurora sleep-asked.

"Baloney!" Jasmine barked. "You're no better. You didn't even know who your guy was when you married him! You also fell into that dumb trap about falling in love with the guy you were supposed to marry in the first place! Are you pro-arranged marriages, huh Aurora? Are you pro-arranged marriages?!"

"No way!" Aurora defended. "Sorry that I liked the guy I had to marry and you didn't."

"That stupid law was gotten rid of and you know it!"

"Wait!" Merida said. "Cindy, isn't your guy's name Charming?"

"Nyeh," Cinderella wrinkled her nose. "I bought that lie he sold me for the first two days, but then I started thinking that couldn't possibly be a name for someone who had such a happy childhood."

"We shall see," Rapunzel proposed, getting out her iPhone.

"What the heck is that?" Pocahontas asked.

"You don't get out much, do you?" Tiana asked.

"You want me to get out?"

"No, Po," Ariel soothed, her inner mother coming out. "There's nothing wrong with being more attuned with nature than technology."

"If this will just freaking load," Rapunzel muttered. "Aha! Crud, an advertisement…"

"Amen, sister," Pocahontas praised while giving Ariel a hi-five.

"Here we go!" Rapunzel arrived at Disney Wiki on her phone. "Wow, he's handsome…"

"Stick to your grubby thief, Blondie," Cinderella snarled. "Now what does it say his name is?"

"His name? Oh, his name! Ha ha. His name is Henry. Henry Charming."

Kida stifled a laugh.

"Is something funny, forgotten princess?" Cinderella sneered.

"Hey, I just think Henry is a weird name is all."

"I think it's dreamy," Cindy sighed, hugging Rapunzel's phone to her chest.

"Yeah," Kida scoffed. "For someone named Cinderella…"

At that, Cinderella jumped out of her seat and almost broke her neck trying to lunge at Kida, but a few of the smart princesses held her back.

"My name's not Cinderella and you know it!" she barked. "Cinderella's just a nickname!"

"Right," Kida said, smirking.

"Does people not knowing your real name upset you?" Aiden asked.

"Not really," Cinderella said smoothing out her dress and sitting down. "People have called me Cinderella for such a long time that I've started to think it was my real name too."

"Okay. Well, how are things with Prince—oh, Henry. Never mind."

"Oh, he's perfectly perfect," she replied cheerily, earning a few hateful whispers and snickers. "What? Just because your relationships suck, get off mine."

"Really?" Aiden asked. "Why, you even said yourself that Henry wouldn't tell you his name at first."

"Well, that's…that's irrelevant, Aiden—"

"I don't know what my husband's name is and we get along just fine," Belle said.

"Is that why you kept calling him the "Beast" and the "Master" and the "Thing"?" Merida asked.

"What?" Belle shouted. "I never called him the Thing! You've got your Swedish facts all mixed up!"

"Or tangled!" Rapunzel cheered.

"Swedish?" Tiana repeated and shook her head. "Baby child, Merida is Italian."

"Nuh-uh!" she disputed. "I'm—"

"Time to pick another stick," Aiden said as she reached for another and read the name aloud. "Pocahontas."

"Wingapo," the Native American beauty greeted in her native tongue.

"Uh, l'chaim," Aiden said. "So Poca, why are you here?"

"Uh…no reason."

"There is too," Mulan said, narrowing her eyes. "Ever since you've been here, you haven't said a word and you've been rubbing your stomach and sitting there in an Indian funk."

"Pocahontas isn't Indian," Ariel said. "Mowgli is Indian. Pocahontas is—"

"Shut up."

"Have you an ulcer?" Aurora asked, stretching. "One time when I was, like, thirteen I had an ulcer and I couldn't eat for three weeks straight."

"Is that why you were so dang skinny in Sleeping Beauty?" Tiana asked.

"Nope. That's from years of Zumba."

"Bullcrap. There's no Zumba in the woods," Cinderella said.

"You're telling me."

"Hey guys, I'm pregnant!" Pocahontas shouted.

"WHAT?!" everyone shouted.

She nodded. "It's true. I'm going to be a mother."

"That is sooooooooooooooooooooooo neat!" Rapunzel rushed up to Pocahontas to give her a congratulatory hug.

"Congratulations," Snow White said, looking a bit envious.

"You'll make a wonderful mother," Cinderella added.

Ariel made a nasty face. "Yeah, enjoy it while you can. Cuz they gon' turn on ya."

"We should give you a shower," Mulan proposed.

"Thanks, but I'm not very dirty," Pocahontas said.

"I bet she'll have your long, dark hair," Aurora mused. "My fairies will give her some gifts if you want. When I was a child, I received the gift of beauty, the gift of song and the gift of—"

"Hey ho ha ho!" Merida interrupted. "What makes you so sure that the baby is going to be a girl? What if it's a boy baby?"

"Then he'll have his father's beautiful blue eyes," Belle countered.

"Oh, Po," Snow White sighed. "How I envy you. John Smith is one lucky man."

"Yeah," Pocahontas said, twiddling her fingers. "Well um-I-um-I-um-I-um…"

Jasmine snickered. "I heard you don't even know who your baby daddy is."

"What?" Rapunzel stuttered.

Pocahontas covered her face in shame.

"Is that true, Poca?" Mulan asked.

"Uh? Uh…well, you see, I uh—"

"We know what that reaction shows she hit," Kida said. "The bullseye."

"Oh come on guys. It'd be a joke if one of the princesses was sleeping around, right? I mean what kind of commander would I be if that happened?"

"Come to think of it," Ariel started, tapping her double chin. "You were the only princess to not get married. Besides Merida of course." She pumped her fist in the air. "Power to the gingers."

"Who else is there, Po?" Rapunzel asked.

"I'll bet it's that cruddy crudhead John Rolfe," Jasmine muttered, picking at some chocolate underneath her nails.

"He is not a cruddy crudhead!" Pocahontas defended.

"I think it's disgusting, honestly. Here you stop the biggest war in history just to be with John Smith and, what, you get your period for two seconds and all of a sudden you want John Rolfe? SERIOUSLY?!"

"You sure have a little thing for John's, don't you?" Belle asked.

"Well, luckily, I know who is the father," Aiden said. She pulled out the result card from her pocket and skimmed it. "The father is…John…"

"Come on, already!" Snow White shouted. "You know I have a bad heart!"

"That's for sure," Jasmine mumbled.

"You have a bad heart?" Aurora asked.

"Yes. Why else do you think I fell down in the woods?"

"I thought it was just because you were fat, frankly," Jasmine said.

"Okay, shhh!" Kida hissed.

"The father is John Rolfe," Aiden finished.

"What?!" Pocahontas bawled and ran out of the room.

"Omigosh, what?" Belle snuck a peek at the card. "It's John Rolfe?"

"That's what the DNA test said," Aiden said.

"John Smith shoulda studied next time," Jasmine said, leaning back in her chair and folding her arms across her chest. "I was rooting for him. John Rolfe sounds like a drag queen."

"I heard he smells like a woman," Tiana chipped in.

"And what about his hair," Merida exclaimed. "Can I get a fake?"

"Fake," Ariel asserted. "Looks like a $3 powdered wig at the Halloween Store."

"Okay, can we please stop trashing the Disney Princes behind their backs?" Aiden asked.

"I'm not trashing anyone," Snow White said. "If I could trash a Disney Prince, there are a hundred things I could trash mine about. He hogs all the blankets in the bed. He pats me on the head like I'm his dog. He never kisses me. He flirts with our servant girl. He orders me around. He—"

"Come on, Snow! We need to get on with this." Aiden picked out another stick and read the name printed on the back. "Aurora."

But Aurora was snoring loudly, her head thrown back from her chair and her legs splayed.

Cinderella frowned and snapped her fingers at the sleeping beauty. But Jasmine shushed her. Tiptoeing over to the sleeping beauty, she lifted a golden lock of her hair and whispered in her ear, "Up and at 'em, Sleeping Beauty."

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Aurora screamed and bolted out of her chair. "What in the world! Who did that?!"

"Belle did it," Jasmine accused, looking as casual as possible.

Belle's mouth dropped open. "Hooey! It was Jasmine!"

"Come one, Briar. Who are you going to believe? Certainly not this provincial peasant who sleeps with animals."

"I DID NOT SLEEP WITH HIM!" Belle hollered. "I didn't even KISS him! He was a beast, I didn't want to get a hairball or anything!"

"Denial," Ariel sneezed.

"Come on, Belle," Snow White urged. "This is a safe space. Let's be honest."

"I am honest! I didn't know where that brute slept! And you saw what happened when I tried to get into the West Wing! Who knows what would've happened if I tried to go into his room while he was sleeping, half naked—"

"Moving on," Aiden deadpanned. "Sheesh. Now Aurora, why are you here? Aurora?"

But Aurora was off in Dreamland once again, her head in Mulan's lap. Mulan fidgeted. "Uh, wakey-wakey…"

Jasmine shushed her and began to creep up on the sleeping beauty once again, but this time, she raised her fist and came down hard on poor Aurora's head. Immediately, she fell in a crumple on the floor, weeping softly.

"Heh heh heh, why do you keep falling asleep anyway, Sleepytime Gal?" Jasmine mocked.

"Hey now," Aiden said. "We're not calling names today."

"You sure are strong for a 15-year-old," Tiana remarked.

Jasmine reddened as the other princesses murmured in confusion.

"You're only 15?" Rapunzel's asked, her green eyes wider than usual.

"No!" Jasmine snapped, but her quivering voice gave her away. "I am a 25-year-old woman!"

"Au contraire," Aiden smirked. "It says here that in Aladdin, you were about to celebrate your 16th birthday."

The princesses gasped collectively.

"Never would have guessed…"

"…is rather tiny…"

"…only a sophomore?"

"…practically a baby!"

"You know," Merida said once the chatter died down. "It's funny because you're, like, the youngest one yet you've been picking on everybody here."

"I am not the youngest," Jasmine shouted. "Snow White is a mere 14-years-old!"

"I'm not," she squeaked, startled by the limelight. "I'm 21!"

"Right. Because all 21-year-olds sing like babies, have flat chests and still believe in the old wishing well superstition." Snow White looked at the ground, her face turning as red as her lips. "And besides, I bet everyone in here is 15!"

"Okay, okay," Aiden said. "To appease Jazz, everyone else raise your hand if you're 15."

No one moved. "Well," Jasmine huffed, flipping her voluminous, dark hair.

"Raise your hand if you're 16."

Aurora, Mulan and Merida raised their hands.

"17?"

Nobody moved.

"18?"

Rapunzel raised her hand.

"19?"

Cinderella and Tiana raised their hands.

"20s?"

Belle and Kida raised their hands.

"Late 20s?"

No response.

"Early 30s?"

Nothing.

"Late 30s?"

No answer.

"Early 40s?"

Nada.

"Late 40s?"

Ariel meekly raised a hand. Jasmine burst out laughing. "Go home, Grandma!" she cried joyfully.

"You go home."

"Or what? You're gonna summon all the sea creatures with some magical mind—"

"Okay, this time I really mean it," Aiden snapped. "No more picking on the girls or you're going outside and everyone will know what a naughty little girl Princess Jasmine has been. Now help Aurora up and apologize!"

Jasmine, still sitting, half-heartedly held out a hand and rolled her eyes. "Aiden told me to apologize so I'm sorry."

"Apology not accepted," Aurora said, stomping over to her seat and plopping down. "Now quit with the cracks before I fall asleep on you."

"Aurora, do you have insomnia?" Aiden asked. The rest of the girls fell into hysterics. Aurora's mouth twitched. Aiden's expression didn't change. "And it's a serious question," she said after the noise had died down. "Because, you know, if you don't get a lot of sleep at night, it's risky. So are you an insomniac?"

"No," she muttered. "That stupid spindle ruined my life. Ever since I pricked myself—" Snow White giggled to herself. Aurora shot her a glare. "…ever since I pricked myself that poison has remained in my bloodstream. Okay? I'm tired all the time! I'm an absolute mess! Just look at me! I don't have fun! I take no pleasure! I don't enjoy anything! Do you—do you see this? Please look!" Aurora showed everyone the little scab on her pointed finger.

"I can't see it," Cinderella said.

"Yeah, where is it?" Kida asked.

"Here, just lift up this little flap of skin…"

"…That little thing?" Ariel cried.

"It looks like a little red dot," Tiana commented.

"But it freaking hurts, you guys," Aurora wailed. "But I wouldn't expect y'all to understand. In your movies, all you did was stay in your clean white castles!"

Except for Cinderella, the rest of the Disney Princesses went into an uproar.

"So not true—"

"All you did was sleep—"

"—have bruises all down my back—"

"—knuckles are all chapped—"

"—got into a fight with a bear—"

"…don't even live in a castle!"

"…such a hater…"

"…was attacked by wolves in the snow—"

"—long, gaping gash all over my back—"

"OKAY! Okay, that's enough," Aiden said.

"…from hopping around the bayou and I still need a pedicure!"

Aiden gave Tiana a waning glance and continued. She plucked another Stick of Death from the pile and read the name aloud. "Merida. Hi, Merida. Why are you here?"

"Um. My mother made me," she mumbled, and hunched forward, her soft, long, red, curly locks tumbling in front of her face. She didn't look Brave at all…

"That's a lie," Rapunzel said. "As one computer animation to another, we have to stick up for each other. I know saying this is dangerous and I probably won't even make 19, but Merida is here because…because Jasmine's been threatening her and she's tired of it!" She covered her face in shame from the confession.

The other gasped as Aiden gave a sympathetic shake of the head. They all glared at Jasmine harshly.

"Lies." She defended herself so weakly that no one could even imagine believing her.

Rapunzel kept going, adrenaline pumping in her veins. "She was mad at her because in Brave, she didn't sing, have a cute little animal friend or get a guy."

"I did not, I was mad at her because she treated her mother so rotten. I mean, I bet everyone in here wishes they had a mother and you turn yours into a bear? REALLY?"

"I've changed," Merida shouted. "That was back when I was young and foolish."

"That was, like, a few months ago."

"My point exactly."

"That's not it," Rapunzel continued. "Jasmine won't give Merida any peace because of the color of her hair."

Ariel instinctively sat up straighter and grabbed an oily clump of her fire engine locks. "What's wrong with red hair?" she asked, her brows furrowed.

"It's ugly," Jasmine deadpanned. "I mean Merida, I can live with your lava locks, but you? No way in the world that is natural. That came out of a bottle, hoe, and you know it."

"A bottle?" Ariel screeched. "I dyed my hair? You seem to have forgotten that I wasn't always from a world where there are only four natural hair colors. One of my sisters even has neon purple hair for cripe's sake!"

"Yeah and my hair color went from blonde to brown and I didn't feel any difference," Rapunzel shrugged. "Except now my hair feels so much lighter…"

"Same," Mulan gushed, her girlier side emerging. "Short hair is so much better!"

"Amen, sisters," Cinderella mused. "It's like you wake up and your hair is already done."

"Power to the bobs!" Snow White cheered and they all hi-fived.

Merida buried her face in her hands. Without knowing it, they only made her situation worse. Her hair went all the way down to her butt and, when straightened, to her calves.

"Sorry, Mer," Rapunzel said, patting her friend's shoulder. "You know, she's not the only victim. When I was new to the franchise, Jasmine wouldn't quit picking on me either. She was all like Mother Gothel is right, you are kinda chubby, and tried feeding my laxatives because she said Disney Princesses are nice and skinny to make little girls follow in our little anorexic habits!"

"Jasmine, what did you eat for breakfast this morning?" Aiden inquired.

Jasmine shifted in her seat. "Why is this relevant to the session?"

"It's not. Just curious."

She straightened up. "A Disney Princess should always look skinny in front of the cameras so our fans will want to follow in our footsteps. We can't just go around with our beer gut poking out like the Big Mermaid here."

Ariel ground her teeth together, but remained silent.

"I'm asking you a question," Aiden repeated. "What did you eat for breakfast?"

"I had some berries and a few nuts. Any more questions?" Jasmine snapped.

Aiden's big brown eyes widened in disbelief. Murmurs from the other princesses could be heard in the background. "Well, Jasmine, wh—what's the matter with you? You can't function on a bird food breakfast like that. How do you go about in everyday life? Are you able to function?"

"Well, if you must know—"

"I must know."

"—I don't walk around my castle much. I mainly stay in one place, particularly one that's rather shady, and whenever I feel a dizzy spell coming on, I take a pill to relieve it."

"Jasmine!" Snow White cried. "Why don't you just swallow fire if you want to kill yourself so badly?"

"Well, you can't talk," Jasmine snipped. "I didn't see you eat anything in your movie!"

"I did so! I had soup!"

"Yeah, a half of a sip of a quarter of a spoonful."

"And I had a bite of that strawberry pie," Snow White added meekly. "But who counts, right?"

"I don't understand," Cinderella said. "In the movie, you were running around and you looked so healthy and happy. What the heck happened to you?"

"Don't remind me," Jasmine moaned. "I was so fat in that movie."

"You were a size zero," Aiden informed.

"I'm usually a size -2, but before the movie, Daddy bought this big fat cake and I couldn't help myself. And why are you picking on me? All Aurora ate was a berry!"

"Which would explain why she collapsed…" Mulan mumbled.

"Mickey wants the princesses to have a nice, filled out figure, not one that's all shrunk up and skinny," Aiden said. "Disney Princesses represent beauty on the inside and out and Jasmine, I'm afraid to tell you that you're neither."

"Whattaya mean neither?!"

"Jasmine, please, shh. Go on, Rapunzel."

"She's just really mean to all the new princesses. I feel bad for the ones who are coming in a few months. What are their names—Anna and Elsa? I can't wait till they arrive." Rapunzel began bouncing in her seat, getting excited. "I'm going to knit them fuzzy sweaters and make them cranberry muffins."

"I'm going to show them my poem about lungs filling up with tar," Cinderella said darkly.

Aiden's eye twitched. "Okay, that's a weird freaking thing to say…Merida, how does this make you feel, all the bullying?"

"Say one word and I'll rip your mouth out," Jasmine spat.

Merida's face pinched, tight as a lime, and she turned a deep shade of cherry. "Why're you screaming at me?!" she wailed. "All I did was mind my darn business shooting some arrows! At least I GOT a weapon!"

"Hey," Mulan started to protest, but once again was cut off, this time by Belle.

"I lifted the Beast with my bare hands!" she shouted. "It wasn't easy either. I still have to put lotion on them to six times a day to make them stay soft."

"Big deal," Mulan scoffed. "I shot bows and arrows and saved China so ha. Plop on your head, poopy child."

"But did you do archery ever since you were five year old?" Merida challenged. "Didn't think so."

"Frying pans are so in these days," Rapunzel pointed out.

"Okay, quit." Aiden pulled out another Stick of Death and read the name aloud. "Rapunzel, you're up first. Now, why are you here?"

Rapunzel sighed. "I'm here because I think Eugene is cheating on me."

"OOOOOOOH!" the princesses cried as if they were the audience on the Maury show.

"That dirty old dog," Tiana muttered. "I knew from the very moment I laid eyes on that man that he was a dirty old dog."

"No," Cinderella said. "I was with you when you saw Tangled. And you said he was a fine hunka man candy, whoo child!"

"Yeah, I didn't say what kind of candy."

"I'd just like to know who he's cheating on me with," Rapunzel whined.

"What are you going to do," Aiden asked, raising a brow. "Remember the code of conduct applies not just here and your reputation counts as well."

"She's not gonna tarnish her stinky old reputation," Jasmine said. "Just kick her in the balls and that will be that!"

"I can't."

"WHY?!" she bellowed. "Shoot, Rapunzel!"

Rapunzel blinked. All she was going to say was that that was a part of the body a woman or even a little girl didn't have. But the way she called her name, the exasperated tone of her voice. "Never mind," she snapped.

"I don't know why you're acting so touchy," Kida said. "If Aladdin were cheating on you, you would sing a different tune."

"Yeah," Jasmine said smugly. "It goes like this. Never gonna happen."

"Okay," Aiden announced. "Eugene's mistress is not in this room, but she is considered a Disney Princess."

"How can that be?" Kida asked.

"I bet it was Eilonwy," Cinderella said.

"The little two cent hussy, I'll scratch her eyes out," Rapunzel hissed.

"Gross," Belle muttered. "Isn't she, like, ten?"

"Plus she has Taran," Aurora added, "and they are still madly in love. I should know, I checked her Flitter."

"Well, who else could it have been?" Ariel asked.

"Esmeralda?" Merida offered. "Or something? Maybe? I don't know. I'm a newb." She hid behind her hair.

"Esmeralda's not even close to a Disney Princess," Mulan declined. "Didn't you see the way she was treated?"

"Besides," Ariel said. "She's married to Phoebus and has a son named Zephyr. I highly doubt that she'd want to throw all that away for some thieving loser."

"Hey there," Rapunzel interjected, pointing a finger at her. "That's my guy you're talkin' about."

"Zephyr?" Kida laughed. "Like the wind? What the heck kind of name is that?"

"Not much different from your weirdo name, Kida," Jasmine snickered.

Kida clenched her fists and rolled up her sleeves. "Bare hands," she mouthed.

"Girls, focus!" Rapunzel cried, almost near tears.

All the princesses thought for a moment.

"What if it was Melody?" Belle asked.

Ariel sat up straight in her chair. "And just what do you mean by that?"

Belle shrugged. "She is a Disney Princess after all. Why, you even said you can't control her nowadays."

"Granted, my daughter can be a little loose, but she's not dating no grown man…Right, Aiden?"

"Don't you fret," Aiden declined. "Melody wasn't even considered for the lineup, so you have nothing to worry about."

"Uh…thanks?"

"Maybe it was Anastasia," Mulan said.

"She's not Disney, you dingbat," Jasmine barked. "She's 20th Century Fox."

"Ever heard of crossovers?"

"I know!" Snow White yelled. "It was Alice!"

"In Wonderland?" Belle cried incredulously.

"Isn't she, like, still in there?" Merida asked.

"And she's only eight," Rapunzel added. "It couldn't possibly be her."

"So?" Jasmine said. "One time when I was eight, I dated a 55 year old man."

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" the others cried in disgust.

"Hoe…" Cinderella muttered.

"I've got it!" Kida exclaimed, pointing at Aiden. "It was you!"

"Whoa, whoa," Aiden held out her hands. "I'm not Disney and I'm no princess. I'm just your psychologist for the day."

"Yeah, Kida," Belle said, taking off one of her slippers and lobbing it at her. "What's the matter with you?"

"Strike one, hoe. Strike one."

"Maybe it was that girl from The Legend of Sleepy Hollow," Aurora suggested. "Katrina Van Tassel."

"But she's not a princess," Mulan said.

"She certainly gets treated like one though," Aurora said.

"No, she is a princess," Snow White said. "Because…" she thought about it. "…yeah, her dad was a fat rich guy and Ichabod wanted to marry her so he could be king."

"I see what you're saying, Snow," Aiden said. "But, she's not a Disney Princess because she doesn't come from royalty. However, she is a Disney Heiress."

"That's not even a real thing!" Jasmine said.

"It is if she say it is!" Snow White retorted.

"I can't believe she married that Brom Bones jerk…"Aurora muttered.

"That would be like Snow White marrying Gaston," Belle said, shuddering with Snow White. "Not a pretty sight."

"Hey, Missy," Cinderella pointed at her. "She's my sissy."

Everyone gaped, but no one was completely surprised. "What?" everyone seemed to say in unison.

Cinderella nodded empathetically. "Katie's my sister."

"What? But, how?" Belle questioned.

"I can certainly see the resemblance," Mulan said. "Blonde hair, blue eyes, pink cheeks, plump as a partridge. You gotta admit the girls were pretty plain in those times."

"I mean…but wouldn't your last name be Van Tassel?"

"It is," Cinderella said. "But I chose not to tell anyone and you guys can't tell anyone either."

"What's the matter?" Mulan teased. "Cinderella Van Tassel too German, for ya?"

"Durr hurr hurr hurr. But seriously, I don't want that last name because I hate my sister."

"I can't blame ya," Ariel said. "Sisters can be infuriating."

"No, but at least Triton treated you all equally! MY father spoiled her rotten before he died. She got the most expensive gifts at Christmas time, she got all the hot water, her birthday parties lasted for a whole week…!"

"And plus she gets all the guys," Jasmine said bluntly.

"Jasmine!" Snow White chided.

"What? Honestly, Snow!"

"No, she's right." Cinderella asserted. "Whenever we'd go shopping in town, all she had to do was look at a man and he was instantly hers. She could wrap her finger around anyone she wanted, the little whore. Whereas whenever I looked at a guy, they immediately looked away! Not to mention that I've been working like a dog scrubbing the floors and doing the dishes and dusting the draperies while all Katie did was sit in her fluffy little pink dress with that dumb parasol even though it'd be a perfectly nice day outside and shoo away all the men that showed up at our doorstep! And you guys think Jasmine is skinny? Katie used to wear a corset on top of a corset on top of a girdle! Okay? And she made me think I was fat and that's just wrong! So I didn't shop at the local Tabermombie & Glitch and I just wore rags all the time! SO FREAKING WHAT?!"

"What happened after that?" Aiden asked, leaning forward in curiosity. She loved it when there was something about Disney she didn't know.

"Well, when I was 12, my dad died and then my sister got to live with my aunt who was FILTHY STINKIN RICH BTW and left me with that ugly, rat-faced Lady Tremaine. And plus, she smells like pot roast. And not the good kind. The kind that's been fermenting in the garbage can…"

"Wait, Tremaine or Katrina?" Belle asked.

"Tremaine," Cinderella clarified. "Katrina put on, like, a barrel full of that sugar sweet honey dew melon crap and I could've sworn she bathed in it regularly."

"So wait," Tiana said. "You guys lived in Sleepy Hollow?"

"Correct, but when my dear old dad passed away, I had to move to…well, where I moved wasn't important. The fact is that I'm here today and I wouldn't be how I am today if my dad didn't pick favorites all my childhood…"

"What the heck did he do?" Kida asked, also piqued with interest.

"Oh, little things," Cinderella went on. "Just little suggestive things like, letting her have the bigger bed, more blankets. He always made her breakfast—which by the way was organic, gluten-free, nonfat, germ free…wheat crap or something, I never paid attention. Yeah, Papa always made her breakfast and then he'd look at me and be all like You're twelve years old, make it yourself. She was a year younger than me, so she got treated like a baby, and I had to look out for her. She always got the sympathy vote. I never got the sympathy vote. Heck, I never even got rewarded for my laborious tasks until 7 years later when they announced the freakin' ball! I mean did you know how infuriating that was for me?"

"You didn't look infuriated," Aurora said meekly.

"Well, duh! When Mickey had all those hidden cameras set up one day, I knew something was up and I didn't want everyone to see me all cranky and irritated and aggravated and agitated and everything else. I had to pretend to be gentle and caring and loving to help start up the Disney princess franchise, ya know. And who wants to see a movie about a Disney princess that's complaining about how sucky their life is the whole time?"

Jasmine and Merida sunk into their seats.

"So you're not really gentle and caring and loving?" Ariel asked. "It was all an act?"

"All of it."

"What a shame," Rapunzel rushed. "Anyways, who else could Eugene's mistress be?"

"Oh. Right," Aurora said. "What if it was Megara? She's a princess."

"No she ain't," Jasmine barked.

"No, yes she is! Jasmine, yes she is! She was the princess of Thebes until she wanted to find adventure outside of her humdrum palace life."

"And then she met a guy who broke her heart and sold her soul to Hades," Belle continued. "And plus she has friends in the Underworld. So technically she doesn't have the right…qualifications."

"No because she was freed from his spell after a pillar crushed her to death and Hercules saved her soul from the River Styx," Tiana argued. "So technically, she is a Disney princess."

"Wouldn't have guessed you were interested in Greek myths," Mulan said.

"I've been brushing up…"

"But she's not nice," Snow White whined. "She's rude and sarcastic and smells like cigarette smoke. I should know, I sat next to her at a Disney Heroines meeting. No wonder her singing voice is so bad."

"Her voice wasn't that…yeah, it was pretty awful," Cinderella agreed.

"Speaking of singing voices, how does yours sound, Merida?" Mulan asked.

"You don't want to hear it," Merida murmured. "It's really off-key."

"So is Snow White's but you don't hear the kids complaining," Jasmine said.

Snow White gripped her arm rest so hard that it snapped off and fell on the slumbering Aurora's head.

"Huh?" she sat up from her position on the ground. "Who're we talkin' about?"

"We're trying to find out who Eugene is cheating on me with," Rapunzel explained, her big green eyes tearing up with frustration.

"Good grief, here we go again," Jasmine groaned, rubbing her forehead. "Why is everyone in here crying all the time?!"

"That's because when we're with you, we have plenty to cry about," Ariel said.

"I'll bet my house it was that Nausicaa chick," Tiana said.

Aiden raised her hand. "No, because just so you know you guys, it wasn't Nausicaa, Sheeta, Ponyo or any of the other Studio Ghibli girls. Disney might have dubbed those movies, but they were made in Japan."

"Why is everything always made in Japan?" Rapunzel muttered.

"Cuz Japan is beast," Mulan stated.

"What about Jane?" Aurora wondered.

"I can only hope you don't mean Darling," Rapunzel said with a shocked look on her face.

"I think she means Porter," Belle said.

"If that hobo-humpin' pinhead stole my Eugene, I'm gon' be—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Ariel interrupted and held out her hands, making her Jell-O arms jiggle. "Jane's not even close to a princess!"

"Then why was she in that one magazine?" Kida asked bitterly.

"What magazine?"

"Yeah, I saw that," Mulan said. "It was released in 1999. It was all the Disney Princesses back then were there and they were like and now introducing Jane from Tarzan! Why wasn't I on there…?"

"They cut her out because they didn't want people to confuse her dress with mine," Belle said. "My dress is better anyways, so…"

"Besides," Ariel continued. "Her mom is dead and her dad's a scientist and they live in the jungle with that hobo you're talking about."

"Yeah, and at least she has a last name," Jasmine said. "I bet you guys don't even know your last names!"

All was silent.

"Well, you probably don't either," Cinderella said meekly.

"I do too. First name's Princess, last name's Jasmine."

"Wait, is Jane even a Disney princess?" Merida asked no one in particular.

"Chuh," Ariel asserted. "She married the King of the Jungle."

"So wait. Would that make her Queen of the Jungle?" Mulan asked.

"Tarzan is Prince of the Jungle," Snow White clarified, shooting Ariel a hateful glare. "Know your facts."

"How did they get married?" Tiana wondered.

"Well, they didn't jump the broom, Ms. South," Cinderella said, rolling her eyes.

"No, you guys, Tarzan's not Prince of the Jungle because if Tarzan were Prince of the Jungle that would mean that Kerchak is still alive," Kida said. "Last time I check, he died of a bullet wound."

"Well, Kerchak's gotta be alive!" Snow White cried. "How else would he have made an appearance in the sequel?"

"Guys, can we please, like, focus?" Rapunzel shrieked. "Who else is his mistress? It's not Jane, it's not that one Sleepy Hollow girl, it's not Melody, it's not Esmeralda, it's not Meg, it's not Aiden, it's not Minnie Mouse, it's not Kiara—"

"But what if it was?" Belle asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"Ew," Aurora murmured. "Isn't she a lion?"

"You never know what a Disney Prince is capable of for love nowadays. If they'll marry peasants, they could go for lions too."

"First off, gross," Rapunzel said, holding out her palm. "Like, really gross. No. That is so not—what? Okay, look. Not everyone is an animal lover like you, okay? Why can't you just except that?!"

"What? That's not—"

Rapunzel clapped her hands rapidly. "Anyway, any other ideas! Please! I'm desperate!"

"I'm sure you are," Belle muttered.

"Pocahontas?" Mulan threw out.

"Nope," Aiden said, tired of 20 Questions. "It wasn't Pocahontas or any of the other millions of girls you suggested. It was Elsa."

The princesses all gasped as Rapunzel focused on the ceiling. "Are you serious?" she asked. "This isn't a joke, right? You're not just saying this for…"

"Apparently, they met at a welcoming for the new Disney movie Frozen. Elsa and Eugene started talking, and eventually hit it off. Elsa was particularly intrigued by the fact that Eugene's name wasn't Flynn Ryder after all."

Rapunzel whimpered and tugged at her brown locks. "That's what won me over too."

Aiden nodded compassionately and continued. "They ended up, you know. In one of the women's cubicles."

"Grody," Jasmine muttered. "In a cubicle? That's so not classy."

"Where's a classy place to do it, Jazz?" Snow White asked.

"Not in a cubicle, that's for sure. Aladdin and I do it in the marketplace all the time and no one comes near us."

"Oh, because that's real classy…"

Rapunzel, steaming like a vegetable, shot up out of her seat. "That hoe on a stick is not getting any of my cranberry muffins!" she yelled.

"Are you sure it was Elsa, though?" Cinderella asked. "Maybe you just misunderstood."

"Why? Because she just looked like Ms. Good-Good-Goody Two Shoes in her trailer?" Jasmine asked dryly.

"Eugene said he had a thing for brunettes!" Rapunzel cried. "Look at my hair—brunette. Not icy blonde, okay? He was the only reason I didn't get those blonde TRACKS I WAS THINKING ABOUT!"

"It's not your fault, Punzie," Merida soothed. "The moment I saw that guy on the movie screen I knew he was a playa."

"It's not fair!" she bawled. "How could he do this to me? I thought he loved me!"

"Now, Punz," Tiana attempted.

"No!"

"Yo mama was right," Jasmine said. "All he was was a man with pointy teeth who wanted to get into your pants and go off to the next one."

Rapunzel's nostrils flared. "If Eugene didn't cut my hair…"

"No, no," Aiden said. "Stop right now before you say something you're gonna regret."

"I don't regret this because if he didn't cut my hair, it'd pick you up by your neck and drop you on your head over and over and over and over until I eventually killed you."

"Hey, don't. Please, let's—let's all try to refrain from unkindness."

"Well, what about her?"

"My hair can't do anything to you," Jasmine said. "Unfortunately."

"Well, I'm done with Eugene," Rapunzel decided. "Forever."

"Good girl!" Merida cheered. "We can be a team. You and me! The only single Disney Princesses!"

"I don't want to be a part of your bachelorette bunch," Rapunzel said. "Come on, Mer." She helped her friend up. "You and I are going into the House of Mouse and we are going to find awesome guys for each other. Can you think of any hot, straight, single Disney characters aged 18-23?"

"Uh, when I said we should be a team, this is not what I had in mind."

"Oh, silly fiddle faddle. Aiden, you know all the Disney characters in history. Who's available who fits that description?"

"Let's see." She consulted her iPhone and went to the Disney Wiki, home of everything in the Disney universe. "Male, hot, single, straight guys, huh?" The other princesses could only hear clicking and typing and typing and clicking sounds coming from the computer. "Male, male, male, single, single, single, straight, straight, straight, hot, hot, hot guys…how about a male character?" she offered, her eyes still glued to the webpage.

"Mmm, nah," Rapunzel shook her head as Merida just stood there awkwardly.

"A male, straight character who looks…pretty decent?"

"No thanks."

"A straight, single character who's hot, but not male?"

"Nah."

"A single, male character who may not be straight?"

"No, we want all four."

"That's what I'm trying to find…You want one who's a human too right?"

"Aiden!"

"Kidding. And does he have to be hot?"

"Always," Rapunzel replied with a smug little grin.

"Hmmm…oh, I have one! A male, straight, single Disney character who may be hot to some people and may be cold to others! Come take a look."

Rapunzel almost broke herself running over to see the picture. "Oh wow, he's hot! What's his name?"

"Jim Hawkins from Treasure Planet. As you can see, slender build, cargo pants, one earring and a nice…ish personality."

"I don't care," she decided. "How old is he?"

"Fifteen."

Rapunzel burst out laughing. "Loser! What else you got?"

"Oh, but Punzie, I know him," Cinderella added. "He's really cool people. He even has a—"

"So don't care. I need one in the 18-23 age range or no deal."

"Alright," Aiden said, scrolling the page. "Okay, how about Kuzco? He's eighteen."

"Kuzco the emporer?" Rapunzel wrinkled her nose. "Merida can have him. He's got chicken legs and knobby knees and big fat feet."

"No, none of you can have him because he's with Malina," Snow White said piously.

"Oh, I forgot that little part," Aiden said. "Thanks, Snow."

"Oh brother," Rapunzel huffed. "Who cares? I was with Eugene when Elsa went for the taking. But did anyone give two cruds? No!"

"It would be wrong," Snow White reminded.

"So?"

"So it would be wrong. He would be cheating. On Malina. But you can have my guy if you like."

"Really? But that wouldn't be cheating?" Rapunzel raised an eyebrow.

"Listen, I will not tolerate being married to anyone named Buckethead."

"I don't care what his name is. How old is he?" Rapunzel grew excited.

"Twenty-two," Snow White said.

"I'll take him!"

"Now wait a minute!" Aiden interjected, holding out her hands. "You can't just go around taking people's husbands. Didn't you see the rule plaque? What did it mean to you?"

"That it's okay to smoke in the Therapy Room?" Belle asked.

"No, but nice observation. No, it said 'No Crossover Couples'. Now who here knows what that means?"

"Ooh!" Kida's hand shot up and she bounced in her seat. "Ooh! OOH!"

"Anyone who doesn't look like they're about to wet their pants," Aiden said. "And plus, this isn't a classroom. You can just shout out the answer."

"I know what a crossover couple is," Ariel said. "It's when fans pair two characters—they can be a girl and a boy, a girl and a girl or a boy and a boy. And they make them a couple and then people start to believe it and ship it them on the Internet."

"Exactly!" Cinderella cried. "I've been paired up with Naveen, like, fourteen times. I don't know why. Maybe people want to see more interracial couples in Disney movies."

"Naveen's not black," Tiana said matter-of-factly. "He's Maldonian. So technically, we're an interracial couple."

"You both looked green to me," Aurora yawned.

"What about me and Milo?" Kida asked. "We're interracial. Heck, ain't no one else on this planet who's Atlantean."

"Okay, knock it off," Aiden yelled. "Don't even try to divert this. The point is that there are no crossover couples allowed. Your fans are already way too invested in your canons and they'd be heartbroken if you went to someone else."

"I don't have a canon," Merida said.

"I'd like to blast you from one," Jasmine muttered.

"What is a canon anyway?" Mulan asked.

"It's the natural pairing in the movie. For example, me and the Beast or Jasmine and Aladdin."

"You wanna make sommin' of it?" Jasmine asked, leaping to her feet in disgust. Aiden hurled an ice pack at her head and she fell back in her seat. Jasmine had a shocked look on her face. "Did you just hit me in the head with an ice pack?"

"Yes because that's your last warning. One more 'you want a piece of me' and you're out of here."

Jasmine slouched in her seat. "I didn't even feel that so…"

"And Rapunzel. Goodbye."

"What?"

"Goodbye. You've attempted to break Rule #1 so goodbye."

"Fine! I didn't even want to be here anyway!" And Rapunzel fled the room, crying.

Merida started out of the room as well.

"Where are you going, ginger?" Jasmine asked.

"It's called loyalty, Jazz," Merida responded coolly. "I'm Punzie's friend. And if she goes, I goes!"

"Then go, then, Merida, go. Gosh. Run away from your problems."

"Actually, being at this meeting has made me realize two things. That I shouldn't be afraid of a girl a year younger than I am, and that she tried to make Rapunzel crap." And with that, she spun on her heel and flounced out of the room.

Aiden had her head in between her knees. "My job is hard," she complained. "I think my head is about to split open."

"I can give you some of my Adderall," Snow White offered. "If you. Need it, that is."

Aiden's head shot up. "You take drugs?"

Snow White's pale skin turned red. "Uh…well, I um…you see it's not mine but uh…"

"Rule #18 says that drugs are not allowed," Aiden said in a monotone. "I don't know why that's even a rule, but I gotta take it."

"But it's not mine!" Snow White cried. "It's my stepmother's!"

"Queen Grimhilde is dead," Ariel noted. "Why are you carrying around her pills in the first place?"

"She tried to frame me!"

"But you said it was 'my Adderall'," Cinderella insisted.

"I forgot it was hers!"

Jasmine burst into hysterics. "You pill-poppin' hussy!" she cried joyfully.

"Jazz, chill out," Aiden said. "I'll let it slide. But only because if I don't, someone will start screaming or crying or something and then my head will probably split open for real. Now who's next?" She picked out another Stick of Death and read the name on the back. "Belle. Why are you here? And don't say it was because Adam made you or I'll slug ya."

"ADAM?!" everyone hollered.

"Well, that's news," Belle muttered, scratching her ear. "Um…Well, I'm here because Adam is out of control."

"You just now figured that out?" Jasmine chuckled.

Belle chucked her last shoe at her head and went on. "Lately, he just seems so…I don't know…"

"Rugged?" Aurora offered.

"Beastly?" Cinderella asked.

"Ugly?" Kida said.

Belle, realizing she had no more shoes left, leaned over and to Snow White. "Give me a shoe!" she hissed. "Come on, hook me up."

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no," Aiden said as patiently as she could. "No more shoe-chucking or you've gotta go. Rule #7 says that shoe-chucking is punishable by law and you can do up to six hours in the Toontown City Jail."

"But Adam's not here to defend himself and so I have to do it for him."

"It's not our fault you fornicated with an animal," Jasmine shrugged.

Belle gritted her teeth and gripped her arm rest. "I…did not…fornicate with him!"

"There are treatment programs for zoophilia, you know," Cinderella said.

"I'm NOT a ZOOPHILE!"

"Oh, come now, Beautiful," Jasmine said, examining her nails. "You can't hide what's inside. We all know you have a little thing for animals."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're a frickin' animal jacker!"

At that, Belle tried to lunge at Jasmine just as Aiden reached out and grabbed her hand.

"Lunging at Jasmine is not going to help," she said. "You'll only go to jail, become a prisoner for the rest of your life."

"I was already a prisoner," Belle reminded. "Like twice. Adam can be so harsh. Now let me go!"

Aiden let go. "You know what, Belle? No one will have to hold anyone if you don't go charging across the room, okay?"

"Yeah," Jasmine gloated.

"And Jasmine, quit egging her on." Jasmine sat back in her seat, crossed her arms and stuck her tongue out at Belle.

Mulan giggled. "Egg."

"Anyway," Belle continued. "Adam flies into a rage whenever I say the littlest thing. Like a few nights back. I noticed that he was eating his porridge with his hands. Again. I lightly suggested that he use a spoon and he started screaming at me saying, 'You were never royalty, so don't act like it now!' and threw the porridge on my head. Worse still, it was freezing cold."

"Grody," Mulan said.

"I can see how upsetting that is," Aiden said. "But, Belle, you're not his mama."

"I'm not trying to be his mama!" she yelled. "I just want him to be cultured and classy and clean like Cindy's hubby!"

"The three Cs," Mulan whispered to herself.

"Mulan, try to refrain from the immature outbursts, please." Aiden said, closing her eyes and rubbing her temples.

"Sorry."

"And just so you know," Cinderella started, "Henry's politeness can get a tad annoying sometimes. Like, he doesn't know the term 'finger food'. One time, I caught him eating a donut with a fork and knife."

The other princesses threw their heads back and laughed.

"It's not funny, you guys, it's tragic!" Cinderella cried. "He makes me feel like a total slob!"

"I'm laughing because you have, like, nothing to complain about," Belle said. "Does Henry ever threaten to scratch your guts out when you try to pull the covers more to your side in bed?"

"People, this is not a gossiping seminar," Aiden reminded.

"But in all seriousness," Belle continued. "I thought my guy would, you know, grow out of his animal urges when he turned human again."

"Does he fix things and cook outdoors?" Mulan asked.

"Nah. He just broods about in the West Wing all day."

"Oh. Kay. Then. Crud."

"I thought the Beast was a beast," Cinderella commented, lowering her lids and making her lips into a sexy pout.

"Shut up, Cindy," Belle said.

"Yeah, shut up!" Snow White cried. "He's mine!"

Aiden's mouth dropped open. "Whattaya mean he's yours?"

"I told you already that I will not tolerate being married to anyone named Buckethead. Pocahontas has a thing for Johns, I have a thing for beasts."

"Grody, guys," Ariel scoffed. "How can you fight over a guy who has hair that's as long as mine?"

"Well, at least he conditions," Snow White snapped.

"Whatever. And plus also I heard he doesn't even bathe. He just wipes his body with a Germ-X baby wipe."

"What?" Belle leapt out of her seat. "You're…you're lying!"

"How could you not know that?" Jasmine giggled into her palm, trying to be Mrs. Modest.

"He never lets me see him naked." Belle ducked her head, embarrassed.

"Oh, so he has intimacy issues, then?" Aiden asked.

"Kinda."

"Well, you know what I think? You all rushed into your marriages. Back at the beginning of your movies, you were all so young and enamored and in love with the idea of being in love. Then, a few months later, the honeymoon is over. That's something the movies forget to show the audience."

"True," Ariel said. "But what do we do about it?"

"Well, I didn't rush," Snow White said religiously.

"You married a middle-aged man when you didn't even hit puberty yet." Jasmine deadpanned. "Aladdin and I actually spent time with each other. Heck, we were together for two whole years before we tied the knot."

"Hello!" Belle raised her hands. "At the end of my movie, we didn't get married. Everyone thinks we got married, but we just danced together even though there wasn't any music. We got married, like, ten months later."

"Why?" Aiden asked. "You just finished crying the same my husband yells at me song, so why would you want to spend the rest of your life with him?"

Belle shrugged. "Because the ring was shiny."

"Can you say that again?" Kida asked. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I married Adam because the ring was shiny."

"Why?" Jasmine asked. "Have you never seen a diamond before?"

"No and neither has anyone else!" Belle snipped. "Sorry because we're not born royal."

"No because Punzie was born royal and I bet she's never seen a diamond before." Snow White chipped in. "She was the Lost Princess after all."

But Jasmine didn't hear her plea for peace. "Well, sorry I live in a nice place and you don't!"

"Wait." Cinderella raised an eyebrow. "You were with Adam for months and months and months and you guys didn't do the nasty?"

Belle leaned over to Kida. "Can I borrow one of your shoes?"

Kida stared at Belle. "I don't wear shoes."

"…Ariel, can I borrow one of your shoes?"

"Well, I'd give it to you, but that would require me bending over and leaning down to unstrap it and walking over to hand it to you. So no."

"Jasmine, can I borrow one of your shoes?"

"Like heck you can. These were made in the Middle East by the finest shoemakers. Plus, I heard that blood is a jerk to wash off."

"Here. Goshdarn it," Mulan said as she untied both of her war boots and walked over to Belle to hand them to her.

"Thanks," Belle said, smiling sweetly. All of a sudden, she was on Cinderella like a hurricane, hurling the shoes at her fat, blonde, wise-cracking head like a maniac.

"Hey!" Cinderella cried, trying to shield her wise-cracking head.

"That's for acting like a buttface, you Ash Face!" Belle yelled. "And for your information no, I wouldn't have done it with Adam when he was a beast! I got over that urge a long time ago!" She gasped. Realizing her secret was revealed, she clasped her hands over her mouth.

Grinning, Jasmine reached for a zoophilia brochure from a nearby table and threw it at Belle's feet. You could see the steam escaping from her ears, I promise you, as she turned redder than ever before. "I AM NOT A ZOOPHILE! IF ANYTHING, YOU'RE A ZOOPHILE, YOU STREET RAT HUMPIN' HOEBAG!"

Jasmine slammed her fist on her arm rest.

"Now, girls, let's not lose our tempers," Aurora warned, rubbing her dark blue eyes, caked with sleep.

"No girl is losing her tempers, I'm just sick and tired of everyone thinking I have an animal fetish, that's all!"

Everyone stared at Belle expectantly.

"Well, I don't!"

Silence.

"I'm not an animal lover!"

Silence.

"I like human men, okay?"

Silence.

"…Honest…"

"Who knows," Aiden deadpanned.

"I care for the Beast!" Belle shouted so loud that Cinderella almost fell out of her chair. "I don't need your silly rules!"

"That's because you love yourself some animals, don't you?" Tiana asked.

"Now, you listen to me, you slimy little frog—"

"I bet you liked seeing me hopping around the bayou. It arouses you, don't it?"

Belle turned tomato red and fiddled with her dress. "I don't get aroused…anymore…"

"Ha!"

"That proves nothing!"

"Will you two stop it?!" Aiden hollered.

"Belle, if you want to leave Adam for another animal, we fully support you." Aurora said, trying to be nice.

"Shut up, Sleepytime Gal!"

"But in all seriousness," Aiden started. "We're not here to attack you. If you want to be with an animal—"

"That's bullcrap!" Belle screamed. "I care for the Beast!"

"Zoophilia is nothing to be ashamed of. Now tell me, what kind of animals are you attracted to?"

"I am NOT attracted to animals!" Belle screeched, tears coursing down her cheeks. "I'm not a zoophile, I'm not a beastophile, I'm not a pedophile, I'm not a any phile! I care for the Beast!"

"You almost kissed him when he wasn't human, though," Aurora reminded.

"That…that…" Belle started to sweat profusely as she wrung her hands so hard that they started to turn purple.

"There are tons of zoophile programs in Toontown," Aiden said gently. "I suggest asking Mickey Mouse for the details."

Belle shook her head quickly. "Mm-mmm! Mm-mmm."

Suddenly, a bird flew in through the open window and landed on the sill, chirping a cheery tune. Cinderella closed her eyes as she swayed happily in her seat.

"Hey, Beautiful," Jasmine sneered. "Kiss that."

"I wouldn't kiss a bird, jerk," Belle said. "…Their beaks are too sharp."

"Okay, next princess!" Aiden introduced, pulling out another stick and once again reading the name on the back. "Tiana. Why are you here today?"

"Because, Aiden, because I'm tired." She rubbed her eyes for emphasis.

"Aren't we all," Jasmine muttered. Aiden shot her daggers.

"Go on."

"Well, ever since I got that restaurant I've always wanted—"

"Congratulations," Snow White piped up.

Tiana stared at her. "Uh, you see me in the middle of trying to tell my life story, ghost? Don't interrupt. Crass…" Kida stifled a laugh as Snow White fluffed her black bob and looked away. "Anyway, ever since I got that restaurant, I have to do everything. I have to watch over the bakers to see that they don't screw up the orders, I have to greet the customers and I have to rearrange everything to make it look just right and then when we're at home, I have to make the beds and dust the counters, cook the meals, do the dishes, pay the bills, buy the food, sweep the floors, clean the fridge, iron the clothes AND take care of our 2-month-old son!"

"Ooh!" Mulan squealed and finger-clapped. Everyone knew she was fond of babies. "What's his name?"

"Not the point, Mule."

"Well, Tiana, nobody said this would be easy," Aiden commented. "And with a child, it's no walk in the park. Besides, you're the mother. Your baby comes first. You have to come home and fix his food—"

"But, Aiden, nothing happens unless I do it," Tiana said. "Everything's on me. So I need help."

"You're not the only mother with a deadbeat daddy," Kida reminded. "Jim Hawkin's mother is a single mom. And plus, I heard she had her son when she was, like, 14."

"Where do you guys even hear about all this?" Aiden murmured.

"That's the biggest load of bullcrap I've heard in my time," Ariel said. "Jim's no love child."

"Well, not everyone was a dinosaur when they became a mama! Use your brain—"

"I'm no dinosaur, I'm 39, stupid!"

"Use your brain, use your brain."

"It's so nice to have the princesses all together," Snow White said dryly over Ariel and Kida's bickering.

"Finish, Tiana," Aiden said, loud enough to stop the quarreling.

"Well," she started again. "I'm doing this all by myself with no help from anyone."

"What about your friends?" Aurora asked.

"I don't have any friends. There is no friends when you have a baby, right, Ariel?"

Ariel nodded sympathetically. "Sad, but true."

"Not even my mama's helping me. It's like she stays away from me now that I'm with child, even though she said she wanted some grandkids."

"What about your husband?" Kida asked. "What does he do?"

"Nothing!" Tiana cried. "Nothing, I do all the work and he be runnin' around, flirting with other girls and I just know he's cheating on me."

"Well, that's the thing," Aiden replied. "When young girls date older, good-looking men, they get insecure! They can't handle it. They start thinking that they want older, more attractive women to have and to hold. Can I ask all of you how old your husbands are?"

No one said a word. Aiden face-palmed.

"Okay, look. Raise your hand if he's in his early 20s."

Belle smugly raised her hand. "Adam is 21 as of today. I don't date dinosaurs."

"But you do date monsters," Jasmine finished.

"Oh, shut up, Jazz! You're no rose!"

"I'll say she's not," Tiana added. "Why don't you change your clothes once in a while? Don't nobody want to see that stomach hanging out all the freakin' time."

"Whoo!" Belle cheered as she reached over to hi-five her.

"Oh, whatever, Tiana," Jasmine huffed. "Aladdin is 18-years-old. That means he's only three years older than me! Your guys are probably in their mid-thirties, I bet."

"Untrue," Belle said. "Adam and I are BOTH 21. So ha. We win."

"Wait a minute, that's not true," Aiden interrupted. "I just remembered. Everyone, Belle is not 21. She's only 17."

All the girls gasped and turned to face Belle. She hid her face in her dress. "How did you even know that anyways!" came her muffled cry. "It's not like anyone mentioned it in the movie."

"Disney Wiki is my best friend," Aiden said with a smirk.

"Well, well, well. A four year difference," Jasmine said.

"Looks like Ms. High-And-Mighty and a bag of chips is really miss Down-And-Dirty and a bag of celery sticks!" Kida bragged. Then she stopped. "Wait…what?"

"Henry is 29," Cinderella murmured.

"Buckethead is 37."

"Naveen is 23."

"Eric is 30. Well…was…"

"I'm not exactly sure how old Milo is, but he can't be much older than me. Hey, how old AM I anyways?" Kida hunched over and scratched her head.

"Shang is 25," Mulan confessed. "But I'm almost 17! That should even out the playing field!"

"You think that's bad?" Jasmine asked. "I heard that Hercules is 18 and Megara is 25-years-old."

The room was filled with gasps.

"What?"

"Oh my gosh almighty."

"Seriously, Jazz?"

"So yucky…"

"That skank. That cougar…"

"Well, I'm 24," Aiden raised her hand. "If anyone cares."

Snow White burst into tears. Again. "That's how old Buckethead said he was! We would have only been 10 years apart…"

"Okay!" Aiden said. "Tiana, you were saying."

"It's just really stressful and not to mention frustrating when he leaves the house at night," Tiana vented. "I just know he's cheating on me. And also it's really been taking a toll on my health."

"How could that happen?" Jasmine asked. "You were like a stick in your movie."

"I was talking about my mental health, you goofball. Get your mind off your stomach," Tiana berated.

"Seriously," Aurora muttered.

"You shut up, Sleeping Butt-ugly."

"You're ugly…"

"I think everyone here is beautiful," Snow White said.

"Preach on, ghost," Jasmine snapped.

"And why'd ya just call me ghost? It's like no one knows my real name. My real name is actually—"

"So don't care."

"Here's the trade-off," Cinderella added. "If you think Naveen is stepping out on you, he probably is."

Tiana's eyes widened. "Speaking of which, last time we lay down together, he did do something peculiar. When we were at the mountaintop, he screamed out Mabel!"

Belle's eyes popped out of her skull. "Mabel. Now I remember Mabel. How can it be?"

Tiana spun around to face her. "Wait, you know her?"

"Oh my gosh, in my movie, Mabel was the silly girl in green who was like He's gorgeous about Gaston. First Gaston, then Naveen. Oh boy, she's your vixen."

"Wait," Aurora interjected. "Shouldn't she go through, like, a suitable period of mourning before moving onto another man?"

Everyone stared at Aurora in disbelief. She couldn't really be that ditzy, could she?

"Mabel and Gaston weren't really going out, you meaethead," Jasmine said.

"That's what she said," Belle murmured. "Whenever I tried to ask how old Gaston was, he wouldn't tell me."

"What did he say?" Ariel asked.

"He just wouldn't say. But I heard some rumours that he was, like, 46."

"GRODY!" the girls all screamed in unison. Aiden was so startled by the outburst that she almost fell out of her chair.

"And Mabel was…" Snow White trailed off, giving Belle time to finish.

"14 and all her friends were 14-y'old hoes too," she said bluntly.

"Gaston was hot," Kida said. Everyone stared at her. "Head. A hot head. Gaston was really a hothead."

"Nice save," Cinderella muttered.

"Yeah," Belle said. "Sorry, Ti. But there are benefits to having a husband with a mistress who hasn't even hit puberty yet. Do you know how many things you can do to scare her off?"

"I don't wanna scare her. I want Naveen!" Tiana cried and ran out of the room.

"Gee wiz," Aiden mumbled, rubbing her temples. "What is up with the cheating prince rate of today?"

"I don't know, but all I know is that if Henry were cheating on me…I just wouldn't want to live, that's all!" Cinderella said.

"I wish Buckethead would just cheat on me already." Snow White said bitterly. "It would give me an excuse to leave him. Too bad Tiana left in such a hurry. I would've happily handed over my stupid head husband to her."

"Good Lord," Aurora gasped. "Snow, you couldn't possibly mean that."

"I do," she said stubbornly. "I wish I'd never even been awakened by that Buckethead whose name is about to be Kick-the-buckethead."

"Snow!" Ariel cried in horror.

"He should've just let me sleep in peace. I'd rather sleep forever than live with Buckethead for even one more day! I'd…kiss…Dopey before I ever kiss Buckethead again."

"Why so much hate for Buckethead?" Aiden asked. "Is it because of his name? Because, if that's the case, you have nothing to complain about because your stepmother, Queen Grimhilde named you Snow White. Period. That's your name. It wasn't a nickname. It's on your birth certificate, and I can show you right now…" Aiden pulled out the bith certificate from her desk drawer and passed it around the circle. The girls glanced at it and passed it on, some laughing, some gasping, and some just saying Big fluffy deal. When it came back to Snow White, she took the document, ripped it up and tossed it in the air. As the paper confetti rained down, she didn't look like the innocent, doe-eyed princess we all knew and loved. She was a raging, wild-eyed doofus.

"Sheesh," Mulan said.

"Big whoop," Jasmine said. "I act worse than that when I PMS."

"I'm not going to clean that," Aiden pointed out. "Snow, be a woman and pick up your mess now."

Snow White leaned down and swiped up the broken pieces of paper, grumbling like a spoiled child. "It's not my fault," she groaned. "Buckethead is a liar, okay. Aiden, he's a liar. When we were riding away on that horse, I turn to him, I says, Hey, what's your name anyways? And he went Oh, don't worry about it, don't worry about it. We were laying down together after the wedding, and I asked him again what his name was. He goes It's not important, just don't worry about it. Odd, I think, but we kept on with our night of passion. Months later, when I asked him yet again what his name was, he got mad and goes I told you it's no big deal, okay! Just called me Darling or Pookums or Sweetums or something and don't freaking ask me again! But I asked him again. We were in the kitchen and he's like Stop asking me already! I told you my name is Darling and that is that! And he grabbed a frying pan—and mind you it was still hot—and he tried to whack me in the face! But he missed. So I ran away from home. And that's why I'm here today."

When she finished, her snowy white face was red with pain from all the days, days ago.

"Thanks for that, but you told us that about, like, a million years ago," Kida snapped.

"Well, it sounds like it's all your fault, Snow," Aiden said. "As I said before, you shouldn't have…"

"I shouldn't have rushed into a marriage with an older man, I get it!" she shrieked. "But you don't understand. When I first saw Buckethead, I trusted that he was a good man. He had a kind face and nice eyes."

Everyone, including Aiden, burst out laughing. Except for Ariel.

"What is everybody laughing at Snow fo'?" she asked. "That's exactly how I felt about Eric."

"And just look at you now," Jasmine mentioned nonchalantly. "No free time, no love life, you guys don't even have s—"

"I get it, Jazz. Thanks."

"Okay, enough." Aiden said. "I'm going to pick out another stick and the next person who interrupts me is going to suffer." She dug into the pile of sticks and pulled out a random one. "Mulan, you're up. Why are you here?"

"Uh…who me?" she asked.

"No, the other Mulan," Jasmine deadpanned.

"Don't you have to be a nuisance somewhere else?" Cinderella asked.

"Not until six."

"Oh. Well, I am here today not because my marriage with Shang is on the rocks," Mulan started. "But because Mushu has fallen into the role of the third wheel."

"Huh?" Aurora snapped awake. "I thought Mushu was a Chinese dish."

"No, you're thinking of Mushu's, that one restaurant on the West Side of Toontown," Snow White offered.

"Wait…Mushu owns a restaurant?" Aurora scratched her head.

"No, Briar," Mulan said, rolling her eyes. "He doesn't own a restaurant because he's too busy ruining my life."

"What does he do?" Ariel asked. "Is he a liplock-blocker?"

"Yes!" Mulan cried. "Everytime Shang and I try to simply cuddle on the couch, Mushu slithers his slender red self in the room and breathes fire on him! Shang is still picking little burnt flakes of skin off his face, the poor guy."

Cinderella burst into hysterics. Now she knew she wasn't the only one who got cinders on her face once in a while. "Why?" she asked.

"He feels like he has to 'protect me' even though all attempts at that have failed epicly." Mulan said.

"Why don't you just tell the little pest to pick on somebody his own size?" Jasmine asked.

"I've tried! But all he does is start getting all weepy and emotional and crying and bawling. He's like 'I'm still yo guardian! I'm still yo' guardian!'"

"Then divorce him, then," Ariel said. "I divorced my father and sisters and things are working out really great for me."

"Is that so?" Cinderella snapped. "Because from what I hear, your sex life is nonexistent, your daughter is a wild little whore, and you've started up your little weed habit again!"

"Weed?" Aiden perked up. "Wait, what?"

Ariel crossed her arms. "The lot you know. I never smoked weed, just cigarettes."

"What's the difference?" Kida asked.

"Your singing voice sounds horrible too because of your dirty little vice," Cinderella spat.

"It does not!" Ariel cried. "I sing every six days when I take a shower!"

"EWWWWWW!" all the princesses recoiled in horror.

"You take a bath every six days?" Aurora asked.

"Well, don't look at me like that. I was a mermaid," Ariel shrugged. "I had no need for baths or showers under the sea. Even now, soap still hurts my skin."

"Guess life on the land isn't as wonderful as you thought, now was it?" Cinderella smirked.

"No, no, it's fine," Ariel sighed. "But you act like under the sea is just one happy fish tale. There were drug dealers under there too, don't act so surprised either. One time, this turtle swam up to me and asked if I wanted some sea weed, but I said no. I was only 12 at the time and that's when my Daddy started to crack down and watch me like a hawk."

"He only did that because he loves you," Cinderella reprimanded. "And look what you did to the poor unfortunate soul."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Aiden called out. "We don't have to call out the villain's song lyrics now. Cindy, why are you so snippy anyways?"

"She's playing like divorcing your family is the way to go, but honestly? I never had that luxury. My parents died before I was old enough to even know what divorce meant!"

"You're contradicting yourself," Kida pointed out. "Because you're saying that divorcing your parents is wrong but then you divorced your stepfamily to run off with some guy who's name you didn't even know until just now and all your little rat friends."

"Okay, first off, they're mice," Cinderella said. "My friends are clean and they wear their little outfits and rats are just big and disgusting scavengers. And secondly, Ariel's father and sisters loved her while my stepmother and sisters? Well…have you ever wondered why my name is Cinderella?"

But Kida wouldn't have it. "You're just denying something you already preached about to Ariel—"

All of a sudden, Cinderella leapt out of her chair and faced Kida nose to nose. "I am not denying something! Do not go there with me. Do not go there with me—"

"I don't know where I'm going—"

"Do not go there! Cuz I am not the one that you play with. You don't know what in the world I've been through. Do not go there with me, okay? Don't you go there with me."

"Cindy, sit down," Aiden barked. Cinderella complied, giving Kida I'm watching you gestures. "You just have a problem with people, don't you?" Aiden asked.

"I don't do well with snarky people," Cinderella shot back.

"Yeah, but part of being a princess is dealing with stupid people—no offense, Kida—with a smile on your face and a song on your lips," Aurora said.

"And at least a better-looking outfit," Snow White muttered. "Why are you in rags in the first place? They had me working like a dog, but I had the decency to be shown in a cleaner, newer, more stylish looking dress…"

"Shut up, ghost," Cinderella barked. "You're not gonna talk to me about style. You can't even dress yourself. Look at those stupid snow-capped sleeves!"

"What?" Snow White asked, looking around. The corners of Jasmine's lips curled up in amusement. Snow frantically began tugging on her sleeves as she asked, "What's wrong with my sleeves?"

"Nothing, Snow," Ariel soothed, her voice laced with irritation from all the useless bickering. "Don't let that emo hoe bother you."

"EMO?!" Cinderella shrieked. "What makes you think I'm an emo?"

"If the nosering fits, Cinderemo."

"Now now, now," Aiden clarified. "There's nothing wrong with being emo, you guys. Just as long as you continue to treat people with dignity and respect."

"That moment," Aurora moaned, stretching so much that her dress rode up a little, "when you wake up and realize that you have to deal with people…"

"But you didn't have to deal with people until you were 16," Belle reminded. "Lucky you, by the way."

"True. But still."

"But still what?"

"Nothing, Belle! You little know-it-all bookworm, why don't you go in the corner and read some more until your brain explodes!"

"I just asked you a question…"

"Guys, guys, guys!" Aiden cried. "Why does someone always have to be screaming at someone in this room?"

"She started it!" Aurora yelled.

"It's not my fault she doesn't know how to speak English!" Belle retorted. "Read until your brain explodes? On the contrary, Sleeping Briar…"

"Here we go again! Why don't you show off to someone who actually cares?!"

"HEY!" Mulan shouted. "Can we get back to me, please?"

"Certainly. Yes. Absolutely," Aiden said, glancing at her clipboard. "You told us that sometimes you wished that Mushu had gotten fired from his job as a guardian?"

"Yes. I want Mushu far away from me, very far away from me, as far away from me as dragonly possible. And then, when he's far, far away from me, I want him to be a million more kilometers away from me and then I want him to be in outer space and to make sure he doesn't creep his little red self up on me again, I'll go up there and kill him and then bury him in a wasteland on a planet a million and two lightyears away and dig him up and clone him and kill all his clones and then I'm never speaking to him again."

"That seems like an awful lot of effort for someone you don't give a crud about," Jasmine noted.

"Yeah, why do you let yourself get so charged up about him in the first place?" Belle asked, a slight frown creeping on her delicate features.

"Because he is everywhere," Mulan hissed in a low hiss. "You all don't know. Okay? You don't know what it's like to have a dragon follow you around all the time."

"No, I…don't," Belle said. "But one time, Lumiere and Cogsworth were spying on us one time when Adam and I were laying down together."

"Animal jacker," Jasmine coughed.

Belle froze. "Aiden, can I please have one of your shoes?" She made puppy dog eyes at the psychologist.

"No," she said flatly. "No more shoe-chucking or I'll have to chuck you out of here."

"Well make her stoooooop!" Her whine penetrated everyone's ear drums.

"I'll make you stop, of course. Jasmine? Not joking. One more little mutter about Belle's zoophilia—"

"I DON'T HAVE ZOOPHILIA!" Belle hollered.

"Denial's not just a river in Egypt," Kida said nonchalantly.

"Denial's not a river anywhere," Belle corrected. "Do you mean The Nile?"

"Oh, whatever, bookworm."

"Well, I was only saying. Apparently, you guys are not fans of knowledge."

"That's not fair," Snow White protested. "We may all be a little stupid, but Aiden is certainly the smartest out of all of us!"

"Thanks, Snow, but if I were smart, I wouldn't be sitting here, listening to a bunch of hormonal princesses bicker back and forth for 0$ an hour, double for overtime," Aiden said.

"That's more than I make in a year," Ariel muttered.

"Anyway," Mulan said. "Just a little peace with Shang wouldn't hurt."

"Do you still wish Mushu were dead?" Aiden asked.

"Yes." Aiden's big brown eyes widened. "Okay? Yes, I wish he was dead. I don't deny that. I fully own that. I want Mushu out of this galaxy."

"Well, can't he just fly away?" Snow White asked innocently.

Mulan squinted as she focused on the freshman princess, trying to figure her out as either dumb or ignorant. "No? No, dragons can't fly…"

"Well, on the annoying animal sidekick front, I can totally relate." Jasmine said. "Abu is like a nutcase, bouncing off the walls and stuff."

"What does Aladdin do about it?" Ariel asked. "Because, I might need some parenting tips."

"Nothing! Nothing! Aladdin spoils him with candy and dates treats and soda. How can a monkey even drink 7-UP in the first dang place?"

"I hate monkeys," Aurora shivered. "One time, I had this dream where monkeys were taking over the world and then I was a monkey and you were a monkey and you were a monkey and then everyone was a monkey."

The girls stared at her in confusion, a few puzzled murmurs filling the silence.

"Who knows," Aiden said. "If I were a monkey, it'd sure beat sitting on this uncomfortable chair with listening to you girls shout at each other be the only thing I have to do on a Saturday morning. Kay then. Jasmine, you are the last person to go. Why are you here, dare I ask?"

"Because she's Barbara Bad-Butt and thinks she's all that and a bag of chips?" Ariel asked.

"No that's not it, you fat fish." Jasmine said.

"Maybe Aladdin is cheating on her," Belle said, excitedly rubbing her hands together.

"That's not it either, Moche."

"If Aladdin was cheating on her can he please do it with Buckethead?" Snow White whined.

"That's not the reason," Kida said. "It's because she's a skinny little brat who doesn't want to be a princess anymore. Right?"

"What movie are you watching?" Jasmine snipped. "Where would you get the idea that I don't want to be a princess anymore?"

"Gee, I wonder where!" The room started in an uproar again.

"Alright, alright, alright already," Aiden said, calming the noise. "Usually I'm not one for incrimination, but this must be done because we're about honesty today." Suddenly, a projector screen rolled down and Aiden picked up the remote which had been lying dormant on her desk and pressed play.

The Aladdin clip began. The scene started right in the middle of Jasmine's rant about how she couldn't be like other girls. "But Jasmine, you're a princess," her chubby, stubby little father pleaded with her as she sat by the royal fountain with her skinny arms crossed.

"Then maybe I don't wanna be a princess anymore!" she snapped, running a frustrated hand through the water.

"Doh!" the Sultan looked so mad, he might have had a seizure right then and there. Then, he turned on the sleeping tiger at his daughter's feet. "Allah forbid you should have any daughters!" He stormed off, leaving Rajah to give us a confuzzled look.

Aiden stopped the movie before it could go on any further and the projector screen rolled back up.

"Aww, I love Rajah," Aurora sighed, putting her delicate hands to her heart.

"He will bite your head off," Jasmine said. "What's cute about him?"

"I didn't say he was cute," she shrugged.

"…Okay? The point is, Jasmine, that you are a little ungrateful little girl! And that's just sick."

All of a sudden, Jasmine was out of her seat and facing Ariel nose-to-nose. "Oh I'm an ingrate. I'm an ingrate?"

"Kinda."

"What about you, huh?"

"Me?!"

"Yeah! Miss Oh, I can't stand living under the sea. I wanna be a human and leave my family behind in a watery grave! That's mean!"

"No," Snow White cut in. "Because I looked it up in the Disney wiki. In Atlantica, once you turn sixteen, you're a free mermaid. You can go anywhere, do anything you please, even leave your humdrum life under the sea."

"And humdrum it was," Ariel agreed. "Now get your face out of my face." She pushed Jasmine away.

"Hoe, if you touch me one more time, you gon' die."

"I'm not touching you! And plus, your breath smells horrible."

"So I don't have time to Listerine in the morning," Jasmine huffed, sitting back down.

"No, this smell is not right," Ariel continued. "Call it a mother's intuition or mermaid's apprehension but this smell is not just bad breath, it's like nothing I've ever smelt."

"Oh, Jazz. Don't tell me you binge and purge," Cinderella deadpanned.

"I don't binge and purge," Jasmine parroted.

"Seriously?"

"You told me to tell you something. You never told me to tell you the truth."

"I can tell," Mulan commented. "You don't look well at all." She stared at the Agrabah princess's stomach. It jiggled at being talked about. Jasmine yanked her turquoise top over her midriff unsuccessfully.

"Stop," she whined. "I'm so fat. This morning, I ate four almonds instead of two. I feel like a whale."

"Well, I had pancakes and bacon this morning, so I must be a humpback," Aiden muttered.

"How much do you weigh anyways?" Cinderella asked.

"None of your business, Ash Face!"

"Just answer the question. How much do you weigh?"

"I won't tell you."

"I'm 150," Mulan said, candidly raising her hand. "And still healthy, baby."

"I'm 145," Cinderella said.

"147," Belle said.

"I don't have a scale," Kida admitted.

"149 pounds," Snow White said.

"151," Aurora said.

"150, not that anyone should even try to care," Aiden said.

Everyone stared at Ariel. She blushed furiously as she picked at an unraveled string in her sweatpants. "262," she finally whispered.

Jasmine was the only one who exploded in hysterics. The room was silent except for her peals of evil laughter.

"Ha ha," Ariel deadpanned. "Now how much do you weigh, Spazmin?"

"You wanna know my weight?"

"Uh, yeah. That's why I asked."

"Okay, Big Mermaid. I'm 105 lbs. Alright?"

Everyone gasped loudly.

"Stop," she whined, taking clumps of her shiny black hair and hiding her face. "I'm so fat."

"No," Aiden said. "What's so bad about it is that you have no body fat."

"No body fat? Yes!"

"NOOOOO!" Aiden cried. "That's horrible! That means your metabolism will burn all your muscle fat pretty soon."

"I! DON'T! CARE! I LOVE IT! BURN, BABY, BURN! I WANT NO FAT ON MY BODY! GO METABOLISM, GO!"

"Shut up, Jasmine" Cinderella muttered. "Stop acting like a nutcase."

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM NOT JASMINE! I AM FATLESS LORD! HAHAHAHAHHAHAH!"

"Mulan, can I please have your other shoe?" Belle asked over the fatless lord's crazy cackling.

"Here." Mulan tossed her her last shoe. Belle worked up all her strength and pitched it at the princess's head. Stunned, Jasmine fell back in her seat.

"You know," Snow White began, "I'm starting to think that Jasmine gets a little crazier every time you throw a shoe at her head, Belle."

"Belle, you're gonna have to go if you can't control yoself," Aiden reminded. "Just because Jasmine is a little cracked doesn't mean—"

"What?" Jasmine asked.

"Well, you know, just because she's a little…you know…mental doesn't mean she deserves to be hit with shoes all day."

Jasmine crossed her arms and leaned back in her seat. "Come again?"

"Well, there's gotta be some word that describes what I'm trying to say."

"The word is unfortunate."

"Oh, you poor unfortunate soul!" Ariel clasped her hands in fake pity and she almost would've gotten away with being so smart if her stomach didn't utter an earth quaking rumble.

"Hot diggity dang, that's was loud."

Everybody turned just as the doors opened. Rapunzel flounced into the meeting room, followed by Tiana and Pocahontas with Merida at her heels. "I could hear that from out there," Rapunzel said as she took her seat.

"Oh now then," Aurora crossed her arms. "The little snoopers have come sniveling back. And what is the reason, might I ask?"

"We had nowhere else to go," Pocahontas shrugged. "We realized that after standing by the side of the road with our thumbs outstretched for like 20 minutes. Something called hitchhiking…"

"I told you guys over and over that you have to have your thumbs high in the air to catch a ride," Rapunzel said, glaring at the girls. "You were drooping your arm so much the drivers thought you were waving."

"How do you even know what hitchhiking is?" Tiana asked, glaring at her. "You have, like, 6 months of experience in the real world."

"It doesn't matter! Belle isn't the only one that reads!" she snapped.

"Leave Punzie alone," Merida defended weakly. "Not all of us can hop trains whenever we want."

"That was one time, ginger," Tiana snipped. "One time."

"You know what," Kida whispered to Mulan. "I missed it when they weren't here."

"We heard that," Merida said as Rapunzel put her hands on her hips.

"We also heard someone's stomach from out there in the main hall," Pocahontas commented. "Was it Jasmine's?"

Jasmine frowned. "Why do y'all think it was me?"

"Have you seen your stomach lately?"

"Guys, guys, shut up, okay? It was mine." Ariel raised her hand. "I'm starved. We've been here for like two hours and haven't gotten a nibble. Aiden, isn't there any food here?"

"We have a seafood bar in the back."

"Seafood?" Ariel shrieked. "Why don't you just eat…kitties?"

Snow White, dumb as a box of rocks, gasped in horror as she imagined the cute little balls of fluff being savagely cut apart with a fork and knife.

"One time I had some ice cream with seahorse meat in it," Rapunzel said.

Everyone stared at her.

"You say the dumbest things," Tiana said, shaking her head. "I can tell you're a true blonde, alright."

Ignoring her quip, Rapunzel continued. "It tasted kind of weird at first, but it had an epic aftertaste."

Shaking with anger, Ariel hopped out of her seat and strangled her with her bare hands. Merida tried to pry Ariel's fingers off her friend's neck, but it was no use.

"Those are my brothers you're eating!" Ariel screamed.

"Kk…kk…kk…GE'OFFA'EE!" Rapunzel managed.

Aiden, not wanting to get up, hurled her clipboard at Ariel's head. "SADDOWN!" she thundered, then groaned and rubbed her throat.

Ariel slunk back to her seat, never taking her eyes off the brunette, nursing her neck. "You little plain Jane lookin' head wench," she cursed.

"That was racist!" Rapunzel cried.

"How the heck was that racist?" Tiana asked. "She's white too."

"I meant that was racist to the human race! She was a mermaid, remember?"

"I remember," Aiden said, raising a hand. "And I remember saying—no, repeating over and over again—that there was to be no fighting in this therapy session. Honestly, I don't understand why you guys can't just get along! We've been here for…" She checked her Mickey Mouse watch. "Two and a half hours and we can't get through one conversation with one of you trying to murder the other! Now, Ariel what do you have to say for yourself?"

Ariel looked away. "I'm sorry your neck is so thin," she murmured. "That way, it wouldn't hurt so dang much."

"Whatever. Now, Jasmine. State your business and make it quick. I think I left a sticky bun in the oven at home."

"I just don't feel all that happy," Jasmine sighed.

"But you're never happy," Belle remarked.

"Yeah, thank you! Anyways, Aladdin never pays me enough attention."

"He pretended to be a prince for you," Merida said.

"All stupid Buckethead does is flirt with our servant girl," Snow White muttered.

"You know what, Snow?" Aiden asked. "I just had an epiphany—"

"OM-wowza! Yes, let's go!" Aurora squeaked and started bouncing in her chair. "I love epiphanies!" Everyone stared at her. "What? I like to go to epiphanies. Is that such a crime?"

"What in the world," Mulan asked, even though it sounded more like a statement.

"Oh, you guys don't know what an epiphany is?" Aurora's shoulders actually drooped. "What a shame."

"Apparently you don't," Belle pointed out. "An epiphany is a sudden realization, not a classical music concert."

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Ditz."

"Okay?" Aiden went on. "Well, anyway, my sudden epiphany is what Buckethead's real name is."

Snow White pouted and crossed her arms. "I already know his real name. You tryna rip me off?"

"No, I just remembered who Buckethead really is and trust me, you're not married to him."

Snow sat up a little straighter. "My interest is piqued," she announced.

"I'll show you." Aiden pointed the remote at the screen. The Aladdin clip disappeared and was replaced by the Prince serenading Snow White in the movie. As the young girl wrapped her arms around herself and smiled contentedly, Aiden hit pause.

"Aww, that was my favorite part," Rapunzel sighed.

"He's so dreamy," Cinderella purred.

"I wish Aladdin would freaking serenade me once in a while," Jasmine complained bitterly. "All he does is barge in on that stupid carpet of his."

"He's got a wonderful singing voice too," Mulan added.

"Better than John Smith's," Pocahontas said.

"He sings flat!" Snow White huffed. "Now quit cooing over him, will ya? Well, come on, Aiden, what are you waiting for? Where is this Buckethead person?"

"There." She pointed at the screen.

"Where?" Snow narrowed her eyes.

Aiden got up and pointed it out to her. "Right behind the movie version of you. What do you see?"

She shrugged. "Garbage?"

"Look harder," Aiden instructed, imitating Rafiki from The Lion King. She zoomed in closer with the remote. Behind Snow's onscreen self was a broom leaning against the wall; and on its head, a bucket.

"That's Buckethead?" Snow cried in disbelief. "Gasp. I never would've guessed."

"And I teased Belle for fornicating with animals?" Jasmine guffawed. "Looks like a new record! Cute little Ms. Pale Fish has sex with cleaning instruments!"

"What? No, I never did that!" Snow was sobbing hysterically, pounding her armrest with every syllable. "Jasmine, I did not! I NEVER FREAKING DID THAT, oh my gosh…I love Jesus, I'm not like that! Aiden, what's your point in trying to make me look like a broom jacker?!"

"No," Aiden said slowly, as if speaking to a kindergartener. "Since that broom is Buckethead, then that's not the prince's real name."

Snow calmed down. "Oh."

"Wait," Merida said. "That broom has a name?"

"Yes and no," Aiden said. "Before Snow's prince came into the picture, she would dance with the broom and pretend it was a prince. Don't you remember?"

Snow's face flamed up. "Yes, but I didn't know anyone else knew about it, it's so embarrassing. Curse Disney Wiki…" she ducked her royal head in shame.

"You think that's bad?" Jasmine gloated. "I heard that Belle's been constipated for several days now!"

"Jasmine, for the love of Pete!" Aiden cried in frustration. "Why do you think that was the right thing to say? Don't you have any common sense? Why would you—"

She was cut off by Belle's bawling. "Everyone at the Digestive Health Enhancement Clinic said nobody would find out!"

She lowered her head and sobbed while Kida patted her head. "Is that true?" she asked.

Belle nodded, her eyes red and puffy. "I haven't gone number two in nine days. Help me! I'm so ashamed. I'm spiraling! I'm spiraling!"

"You are not spiraling," Ariel said. "It's nothing to be so ashamed of. I too have had my vicious bouts of constipation."

"Yeah, there's a shock," Jasmine muttered.

"You know what, Jazz? It's not funny," Aiden said, even though she wanted to laugh so badly. "Constipation is a very serious problem that can lead to hemorrhoids and maybe even a hernia later in life!"

"What the heck is a hernia?" Snow White, ever the dear, asked.

"It's when your internal organs—" Mulan started but Kida slapped her across the face.

"AIN'T NOBODY WANNA HEAR THAT!" she yelled. "Snow White, you look it up on your own dang time."

"It just won't come out of me," Belle wept quietly like a child. "I want…no, I need relief. So badly."

"Don't cry, Belle," Rapunzel said cheerfully. "You can have some of my laxatives if you want. I don't need them anyway." She sent Jasmine a glare so harsh that Tiana almost fell out of her seat; no one expected the vivacious blonde to have such venom in her green eyes!

Belle hiccupped. "Really? Thanks Punzie."

"Oh, what?" Jasmine jeered. "What? I'm surprised you guys didn't find out about Beautiful's constipation earlier! I mean, didn't you see her walking in? Or how about the way she's been sitting this entire time? I mean, we have our butts in the seat. Look at how Belle keeps squirming and shifting like she can't take a break! A bathroom break, that is!"

"Oh, Jasmine," Tiana said. "Shut up."

"Thank you," Aiden sighed as the other girls applauded. "Now before we get off track yet again, Snow."

"Yes?"

"Focus."

"I am. Like, I can hear what you're saying, but I'm all jittery on the inside."

"Don't be nervous. Your prince's name is very beautiful."

"Okay well, WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?" She was bouncing in her seat, she was so excited.

"Florian." Aiden said. "Your husband's name is Florian."

Snow exhaled in happiness and relief. "Florian," she tried it out and it sounded like a melody on her little baby tongue. She got out of her chair and spun around the room, the gold bottom of her dress puffing out. "Florian, Florian, Florian! What a wonderful name, a most beautiful, melodic name almost as its meaning implies!"

"Aww," the girls purred at the poetic romanticism. They shot Jasmine dirty looks.

"Oh come on, what is the matter?" she demanded. "Right on the prince's page had all the names he was known by and the top of the list said BUCKET-FREAKING-HEAD!"

"Bullcrap!" Pocahontas bellowed, then covered her mouth. "Actually, that felt kinda good to say. Bullcrap, bullcrap, bullcrap…"

"Florian must have been somewhere on the list," Snow White said, still flitting about gleefully. "Everyone knows that Buckethead isn't even a German name."

"Speaking of which, what's your real name?" Cinderella asked.

"I'm not too sure," Snow White said. "Everyone's called me Snow White for so long that…I've forgotten my real name and I wanna leave it that way."

"Are you kidding?" Kida asked. "I wouldn't be able to eat, sleep or scratch my butt without knowing my real name!"

"It doesn't matter," Snow said, easy-going. "If one of us has a name, that's all I care about."

"No because your stepmother Grimhilde named you Snow White," Ariel informed her. "Legitimately, not kidding. Your name is Snow White. That's not a nickname or anything. When she was at the spinning wheel—"

Aurora tensed up. She had a nasty fear of spinning wheels now.

Ariel narrowed her eyes. "When she was at the spinning wheel, she pricked her finger—"

"Happens to me all the time."

"Can you shut up? Poseidon! Anyway, she pricked her finger and some of her blood dropped on the snow outside and she had this idea—"

"Oh great." Snow White's eyes watered. "I thought I was named Snow White after my appearance, Ariel! You're such a freaking dream crusher!"

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Aiden cried. "What the heck happened? We were having a teachable moment here, this was a nice time!"

"Don't talk down to me," Snow warned in her baby voice.

"I was just telling you the truth," Ariel said, exhausted. "Sorry you have a weird name and I don't."

"On the contrary." Aiden raised her hand. "My parents thought I was a boy when I came out of the womb and gave me boy clothes and hats and G.I. Joes and Transformers and everything until one of them actually went to change my diaper and they found out I was a girl and they had to take everything back but they wanted to keep me as Aiden because they claimed that it was too much work to refund everything else and what's in a name anyway."

"Dang," Mulan muttered. "They should be arrested for child abuse."

All of a sudden, Aiden's Mickey Mouse Eggtimer pinged. She leapt out of her chair. "Yes! Yes! Guys, give me five." She ran around the circle and hi-fived all the confused princesses. "Awesome! I will see you girls in Neverland, later!" And she bolted out of the building.

"Why Neverland?" Snow White asked.

"She means she's never gonna see us again, genius," Cinderella groaned. "I can't blame her. After all, it's all Jasmine's fault."

"My fault! How the heck is…well, you have a point there."

"Anyway," she continued. "You know, today was really productive. By Jasmine being her usual caddy self, she's really given us all some helpful advice. I know what I'm gonna do when I leave here. I'm going home to my husband and then we're going shoe-shopping. My feet have grown, like, six sizes."

"I'm going to be happy with John Rolfe forever," Pocahontas resolutely decided.

"I wonder if the zoo is open today," Belle murmured, looking out the window.

"I'm going to the swimming pool," Ariel said. "It's about time I get all this weight off me. I'm sick of sitting around and being a fat old coot."

"Bout time," Jasmine giggled. "But I'm tired of being a skinny little skinhead. I'm going to Mushu's to get me one of everything on the menu."

"Speaking of Mushu," Mulan started, cracking her knuckles, "I'm finna tell that little red pest to leave me and Shang the heck alone or I'll chop him in two."

"You'll chop him into what?" Aurora asked. "Oh, I don't care. But I do care about Phillip and when I get home, we're going to ride away on his horse happily into the sun and when it gets dark, we'll go back home and slip under the cover and order a bunch of fried chicken from the neighboring kingdom and watch the Real Princesses of 20th Century Fox."

"I wish I had a man to eat greasy animals with," Rapunzel said wistfully. "I'm so going on a manhunt tonight. Not even kidding. House of Mouse, drink a few shorts, do a quick count of all the male, single, hot, straight, nice, human characters and then choose."

"I'll have to come with you," Tiana agreed. "I'm getting me the biggest, strongest, handsomest hunk of man I can find so I can go home and rub Naveen's big fat head in it."

"But what about your son?" Ariel asked.

"What about my son?"

"You guys can go ahead," Merida said. "I'll just find the few single, straight, female, human characters and we can go to my house and fry some hot dogs and rent a movie or something."

"I don't know whether to come home and kiss Florian or punch him in the throat," Snow White admitted. "I just don't know."

"Do both," Mulan suggested. "Makes it easier to kiss and make up later."

"I've got a bone to pick with that mouse," Kida said. "I'm gonna see about getting me and those other forgotten princesses a spot in the franchise. I personally enjoyed the Black Cauldron."

"I'm pretty sure I'd like that," Cinderella said. "I mean. I like you guys…but you guys peeve me off! I've had enough of the sight of your faces to last a lifetime."

Immediately, the room was filled with shouting.

"Well, you should try being over here lookin' at yours!"

"If you think this is getting you any—"

"Good Lord!"

"…never seen such a hater in my life…
And then, all the girls stormed away from each other, each off to fulfill their purpose.

Dear Mickey Mouse,

Alright. I was psychologist for the day. Do I get my $30 gift card to the Big Dipper now? But in all seriousness, I've learned a lot in the past few hours. These girls have surprised me in a thousand different ways. I'll give you an analysis in chronological movie order.

Snow White

Age: 14

Eye Color: Brown

Hair Color: Black

Spouse: Prince Florian

Status: Married and residing in the prince's castle somewhere in Germany

Perceived as: Sweet, kind, innocent, caring

How she really is: Co-dependent, hypersensitive, emotional, naive

Problems: Will leave Florian if he lies to her instead of talking it out like adults

Recommendations: 3 weeks at Toontown Codependent Therapy

Advice: If you two break up, let this be a cautionary tale and do NOT MARRY STRANGERS! That goes for everyone. There's no rush…

Cinderella

Age: 19

Eye Color: Blue

Hair Color: Blonde

Spouse: Henry Charming

Perceived as: Gentle, humble, caring, loving

How she really is: Brooding, overly-emotional, impatient, grudging

Problems: Married an older stranger, pressures from castle life don't give her time to relax, constantly tries to be perfect

Recommendations: Month-long session at Toontown Stress Soothing Rehabilitation Center

Advice: Don't take everything so seriously for goodness sakes

Aurora

Age: 16

Eye Color: Violet

Hair Color: Blonde

Spouse: Prince Phillip

Perceived as: Beautiful, graceful, lovely, refined

How she really is: Out of touch with reality, always falling asleep, unhappy with marriage, doesn't try very hard

Problems: Cannot relax at home so she finds sleep in other ways

Recommendations: 3 weeks at Toontown Lullaby Center, 2 weeks at Toontown Marriage Boot Camp

Advice: Maybe take some time to relax in the morning and take a 2-3 hour power nap after lunch time

(And even though Disney Princesses are supposed to have a natural look, start wearing concealer under your eyes. Because you're starting to get big, black, puffy bags and people are starting to talk!)

Ariel

Age: 16

Eye Color: Blue

Hair Color: Red

Spouse: Prince Eric

Perceived as: Curious, loyal, headstrong, childlike

How she really is: World-weary, cynical, tired, motherly

Problems: Daughter is out of control, marriage is on the rocks, virtually no sex life, smokes cigars and needs to lose weight

Recommendations: 3 weeks at Toontown Marriage Rehabilitation Center, 1 week at Toontown Sex Drive Facility, Membership at Toontown Gym to raise endorphins, thus making her not so depressed

Advice: Patience is a virtue

(And also don't smoke. The Diamond Edition of the Little Mermaid is being released in a few days. How are you going to look with that death stick hanging out of your mouth to all those tots who've never even seen the movie and already adore you?)

Belle

Age: 17

Eye Color: Hazel

Hair Color: Brown

Spouse: Prince Adam

Perceived as: Shy, kind, intelligent, helpful

How she really is: Loud, defensive, whiny, annoying

Problems: Zoophilia (sorry Belle it's the truth ), desperately wants to fit in so she made up some bullcrap story about her and Adam not getting along when I know for a fact that he's been going to anger management classes for two months

Recommendations: 6 months atToontown Zoophilia Treatment Center, after that 3 months at Toontown Zoophilia Correctional Center, and after that 5.5 months at Toontown Zoophilia Rehab

Advice: STAY AWAY FROM ZOOS!

Jasmine

Age: 15

Eye Color: Brown

Hair Color: Black

Spouse: Aladdin (not prince, just…Aladdin)

Perceived as: Determined, inspiring, individual, attractive

How she really is: Mean-spirited, ungrateful, disgusting, horrible

Problems: Eating disorders and self-esteem

Recommendations: Burn in that hot, dark, scary underground world? But in all seriousness 5 months at Toontown Bulimia Correctional Center, 5 months at Toontown Anorexia Correctional Center, 2 weeks at Toontown Self Worth Enhancement Therapy

Advice: Eat some food, lady. Oh, and also stay away from people, especially in dark alleys. You will get mugged there because you are not very likeable and you will probably get your arm cut off but Aladdin won't be there to save you.

Pocahontas

Eye Color: Black

Hair Color: Black

Spouse: None but John Rolfe is her baby daddy which isn't really all that good for publicity

Perceived as: In tune with nature, responsible, faithful, trusting

How she really is: Wild, clingy, careless, stupid

Problems: Needs to jump from man to man to fill the hole in her heart that her mother drilled

Recommendations: Toontown Hospital, 2 weeks Toontown Self Worth Enhancement Center for 3 months

Advice: Get married THEN have a baby next time.

Mulan

Age: 16

Eye Color: Brown

Hair Color: Black

Spouse: General Li Shang

Perceived as: Unique, spirited, creative, self-reliant

How she really is: Immature, trying, childish, airheaded

Recommendations: 2 weeks at Toontown Sex Drive Facility, 3 months at Toontown Third Wheel Correctional Facility

Advice: I understand having someone all up in your business can be irritating, trust me. But you have to cut Mushu some slack. He got hit in the head by a gong for you, so be nice to him. He's the only guardian dragon you've got! And also…

If you have nothing smart to say, don't say anything. Please.

Kida

Age: Somewhere in her early 20s

Eye Color: Blue

Hair Color: White

Spouse: (Now King) Milo

Perceived as: Strong, trustworthy, thoughtful, compassionate

How she really is: Neglected, wise-cracking, sarcastic, nasty

Problems: LEFT OUT OF THE DISNEY FRANCHISE AND WANTS A LITTLE RECOGNITION!

Recommendations: 2 weeks at Toontown Disney Leading Ladies Center to build self worth

Advice: Stay strong

Tiana

Age: 19

Eye Color: Brown

Hair Color: Dark brown

Spouse: Prince Naveen (although we don't know for how much longer…)

Perceived as: Hardworking, nice, cute, engaging

How she really is: Lazy, uncaring, selfish, rude

Problems: Unappreciated by cheating husband. Post-partum depression?

Recommendations: 3 weeks at Toontown Hospital to get treatment for your post-partum depression, Toontown Single Ladies Club for 4 days

Advice: Put son above yourself

Rapunzel

Age: 18

Eye Color: Green

Hair Color: Brown (formerly blonde)

Spouse: (Formerly) Eugene Fitzherbert

Perceived as: Bubbly, fun-loving, cheerful, optimistic

How she really is: High-pitched, man-hungry, desperate, insecure

Problems: Needs a man to make her happy, lives to please, settled

Recommendations: 3 weeks at Toontown Single Ladies Center

Advice: YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN, YOU HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE

Merida

Age: 16

Eye Color: Blue

Hair Color: Red

Spouse: Single

Perceived as: Confident, feisty, pugnacious, tomboyish

How she really is: Shy, codependent, apprehensive, nervous

Problems: Was bullied into remission by a certain Disney Princess whose name I won't mention (Jasmine)

Recommendations: 3 months at Bullied Victims of Toontown Center

Advice: Chin up! You are the only single Disney princess. You could start a revolution

Overall, I love Disney—you know how much I love Disney—but I am never doing this ever again. This was a colossal waste of my time and I burned that sticky bun, by the way. If I wanted to see a bunch of girls tearing each other apart, I could've stayed in bed and watched the Wild Girls Club.

Next time you have some work for me to do, I suggest you do it yourself.

Love, Aiden Melenoski

Irritated