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By Synammon

Author's Note: *WARNING: CONTENT MAY ENSUE THAT THE MIND WILL BEGIN TO IMAGINE SOME SICK THINGS* --- *sniff* My Beta wanted me to add that and --- Syn, you are one SICK pony.

Summary: The day started with reading a few sentences from Lily's Journal and ended up in disaster as well as learning what you REALLY don't want to know.

Chapter 1

First Page

"I don't get why Snape is so... mean at times! After two years and he's finally 'deemed' my intelligence is fit, he starts talking to me, even though I'm a 'mudblood'. Mudblood... what a stupid name, don't these wizards know how to curse better?!?!?" Harry paused in reading his mother's journal and grimaced.

"She's right y'know, Harry I never knew you could curse like THAT." Ron shook his head in admiration remembering the shocked looks on his older brothers' faces. "That really scared Fred and George. They thought you were choking. Your face was so red... good enough for a Weasely except for the ears y'know, mate, your ears stayed completely pale even though your face was red."

Harry snorted. "Like my red face wasn't good enough! It didn't help that when Fred and George found out that I wasn't dying they poked me and punched me in the face.... to make me 'snap out' of it. Jeez, did they have to punch so hard?" He rubbed his bruised cheek and winced when he rubbed too hard. "Look at it, it's black now!"

Ron bent closer to look at the bruise. He blinked. "It's a dark purple mate, not black."

"You are aware that one, I'm wearing glasses and I'm going cross-eyed trying to look at the bruise that your brother made, two, that you're leaning too close, and three, what the hell is THAT?" Harry exclaimed pointing to a tail under Ron's foot.

Ron leaned back and picked his foot off the floor... staring at the squashed lizard underneath. "I didn't even notice! Is it dead?"

The lizard now without the large weight on it's back flipped over, looked at Ron straight in the eyes, dashed up the length of the lanky redhead, and punched the redhead on the nose.

Ron let out a string of curses that left Harry begin whistling appreciatively.

It took him ten minutes to calm down... and only because the lizard ran out (after biting Ron's offending foot). After that Ron had to stare at the bite marks before comprehending what just happened.

"*Does this look infected to you?"

It was Harry's turn to bend... except down this time. "Doesn't look like it, but just in case check with your mum. Anyway, back to the first subject we were supposed to talk about. When did my mother become... Snape's... companion?"

An awkward silence ensued.

"That's sick." Ron commented and went to sit on the window sill. At Harry's look of confusion he explained, "So that if I see any lizards coming in, I can kill them!"

Harry blinked. "Mate... you do know you don't have to kill the things. Maybe you should... back away from the window."

Ron sighed. "I'm a Weasely... no self-respecting Weasely would kill himself. And plus, do you know what kind of... plants are down there?!?!? Fred and George are the 'gardeners' for the Summer. And they've been 'experimenting'."

"Weasely's Wizard Wheezes?"

"Yup... they say they're trying to create a plant that eats... ferrets? Mum wants the things to fling gnomes, but it's only scaring them, and anyway the last gnome near here almost got eaten. Escaped with part of it's nose chewed off." Ron paused and stared at something near the window. "Hey, Harry, what were we talking about again?"

Harry sighed and repeated what he read and read a few more sentences in addition. "Alright, back to the first subject--"

"Blimey, mate! She's just like you." Ron paused and blinked. "No, sorry mate, it's you're just like your mum!"

"ANYWAY"--brief glare at Ron who had wisely shut up after the glare--"Snape's officially announced, that I'm fit to be his trial companion. Since I'm a Gryffindor, I can't be his friend. Something about Slytherin politics.

Are these Slytherins that ambitious to become like their fathers and mothers? It's always... politics, politics, politics, and more politics!

Really screws up friendships between houses.

Snape can be pretty.... easily tolerated when he's not near the, what do they call themselves now? I thought it was something like, Gryffindor's Leos? Or Marauderlates? Or Marauderettes? No, just forget it.

"Marauderettes?" Ron snickered. "Blimey, your mum just hated your father and his friends!"

"Thanks... but you learn to love what you hate," Harry quoted.

Ron stared. "This doesn't mean you're going to become friends with Malfoy now will ya'?" The thought caused him to shiver... the day he saw that, he decided, would be the day that Ginny got over her crush on Harry.

He was not as... conscious of the fact that Ginny got over Harry ages ago.

Harry ignored Ron and continued reading. Back to the first subject... again, so Snape and I are companions now. He's really good in Potions (one of my best subjects but he's beaten me for five consecutive years now).

Damn.

I'm not going to be able to beat him and my grades are failling a bit... because of (now I remember what they're called!) the Marauders. I just get so mad! I almost dropped a jar of dead cockroaches onto James' head.

Don't worry, even with a load of brains on that THING's head it/he'll still be as stupid as ever.

Harry paused and glanced at Ron... almost expecting the redhead to start sputtering some comments.

Except Ron didn't.

Hermione burst in (jabbing a wand at them no less) just about when Ron had deemed it 'wise' to open his mouth.

Harry promptly (he had been walking around the room while he was reading... and chanced an encounter near the window) dropped his mother's journal out the window.

Ron sputtered for a few seconds, looking disbelievingly at Harry (whom pointed a finger behind his back at Hermione). He still looked befuddled and finally Harry hissed, "Jump for it you moron! She's carrying a wand! Idiot! She'll want to read it and kill you too, kill two birds with one spell."

Ron stared.

Harry sighed and pushed him out the window.

"WHAT THE ****!!!"

Harry watched as Hermione sputtered, her face turning redder by the second until finally she stomped a foot and ran out (down the stairs probably, Harry thought, to check to see if Ron was fully dead).

He shook his head and sighed. Ron really shouldn't have sent that howler to her when she was on her trip with Viktor.

And he really shouldn't have sent that... picture to her. Harry shuddered. Ron had just been lucky that the incident was never sent to the press. But Viktor had intercepted and therefore the picture was NEVER, EVER to be seen.

The clues about what the picture was of (Harry had never seen it but...) involved a bathing suit, a very red Viktor, Ron, and *THE bird.

Harry sighed and looked outside the window.... and found Ron with his arms spread like a eagle with broken wings... and Ron's head... missing?

The canopy of a tree had caught the youngest male Weasely.

Literally.

And was preening?!?!?!

[A/N comment from Beta: DON'T YOU DARE!!!! Reply from Author: Yes, I do DARE! *cackles*]

What Harry read from that (literally, because the tree had lined up a few of it's leaves to form one comment): I'VE FINALLY CAUGHT HIM! Was that... 1). The tree was a pedophile... even though he wasn't sure that word was even held for a tree, 2). Had a very large crush on Ron, 3). Hermione wasn't going to be happy about this, and 4). Had to have a lot of... unstable hormones.

Ron screamed and cursed. He stopped when he saw who was on the branch right under his head. Ginny. Damn.

"Why Ron, I never knew you would actually fall for this tree. You do know what happened, don't ya'?"

"Shut up." Ron ignored the fact that something was crawling up his pant leg.

Harry stared at the vine crawling up Ron's pant leg and groaned. Now at least he knew what Fred and George's creation was.

Perverts.

Right on cue the pair of most hated and feared twins came outside. Harry winced, hearing their comments.

"See! See, I told you the tree couldn't resist the Weasely charm!" Comment from Fred.

"Hey Gred, did we ever decided on what gender it was?" Question from George.

Groan from Ron and Harry.

Giggle from Ginny.

And coo from the TREE.

[Beta: You're having too MUCH fun from this. Author: *cackles* Yes!]

"Yeah we did!"

"I DONT WANT TO KNOW!" Ron shouted and squirmed away from the tree. Which wasn't a very... logical idea.

He fell.

Right on his face.

The crack could be heard for miles.

Ginny jumped from her branch and bent down just to make sure her brother could hear her. "Have a nice trip?"

Muffled sounds translated: "Shut up."

"And I know what the tree's gender is." Fred said in a sing-song voice.

"Then what is it?" George asked.

Fred blinked. "Password please."

"Drat, the mechanical candy is working now. It took an hour!" George fumed. "Why does it have to happen now too? What's the gender?" He yelled and shook his twin, curiosity was killing him for all that he wasn't a cat... just that it was killing him in a different way.

In this time Hermione had ran down the stairs and burst outside and kicked Ron over so that he was face up now.

"YOU!" she shouted and jabbed an accusingly finger into Ron's... bloody face.

Meanwhile, a certain... female... redhead was glancing through an old, slightly (now) battered journal.

Author's Note: *cackle*

First Asterisk (*, at least I think it's an asterisk... if itsn't oops ^_^;;): Does this look infected to you? Famous quote from Disney's Lilo and Stitch, I recommend this movie. Very funny.

Second *: THE Bird... the middle finger... a common insult nowadays... *doesn't get why it's called the bird and when the middle finger became an insult*

*snickers* Hmm... at the middle finger is right next to the ring finger *nudge, nudge, poke, poke, hint, hint, wink, wink*