Jealousy. The sick twisted taste settled against my tongue and almost foamed from my lips. I knew Justice was right; he usually was about these sorts of things, feelings in general were a danger to those around me but these feelings towards him were dangerous towards me more than anyone else around.
He was Hawke's, of course Isabela wanted him as well. I didn't blame either of them for their attraction towards the broody mage-hating elf, of course I couldn't. Not when my eyes were always drawn to him from across the room and even from across the battle field (and always at the worst moments for me of course).
There had been many a time I had dragged the elf into my hideaway due to horrible injuries that took me hours to heal, neither of us spoke a word to the other, but there was a silent bite to the air whenever Hawke came to check on him. Neither of us mentioned why the other mage couldn't heal his lover himself; we both knew and tried to deny the fact to ourselves that he was a blood mage.
That was one surprising night when the elf had came to me alone, I had been woken from my slumber by him kicking me with his mostly bare foot repeatedly on the side.
"Do mages only have the ability to perform blood magic if they make a deal with a demon?" he had asked me, "Answer me, mage."
Even in my groggy state I had enough sense to answer him with the truth, "As far as I have learned, yes."
He stormed away after that, however, I remember how he had paused at my door and turned back to me, "Thank you," he had muttered before vanishing into the night.
It wasn't long after that I had started watching Hawke in battle and watched him perform blood magic himself; I held in my silent outrage though, I knew making a scene at anytime would not end well for our group or my battle to protect mages.
It was now that I was once again lost in my thoughts thinking about him, we had just managed to win a rather difficult battle that had left me running around healing everyone as fast as I could most of the time.
The Hanged Man was oddly quiet for a Friday night, Hawke and Isabela had disappeared to her room because she had something to 'show him' and they would 'be right back' but from experience from nights when Fenris was not there; I knew otherwise.
Though, the elf sat across from me as I twirled my finger in my ale. His green eyes only narrowing as the slutty pirate and his blood mage dipped into the back part of the bar. Of course, he was no idiot, he knew what was going on; I was surprised he had lashed out and took both of their heads off with a swing of his sword.
"Trouble in paradise?" I found myself muttering. Justice immediately piped up in my head and told me to silence myself before I could cause any trouble.
Those beautiful green eyes of his turned on me in a flash, so full of hatred and disgust, I ducked my head down to avoid that look of his, for it tore my heart in two.
"Yes, there is trouble. What is it to you, mage?" his tone was fierce, "Hawke and I have decided to go different ways for a while due to fighting. He decided to go to her bed, and I am staying in my own."
My eyes flicked to him at this information, I hadn't expected him to freely give me these words about what had happened between him and the mage. "It has been going on for a while."
"I know, I found that out the hard way. The dwarf of all people told me."
"Ouch, that is rough. I never expected Varric to tell on Hawke of all people, though, the cat was bound to come out of the bag eventually."
"You never thought to tell me, mage?" His tone was accusing.
"I did not want to be at the end of your wrath," I told him, "I would rather not you beat me to death with your sword because I was the one to tell you that your boyfriend was running around with a slut."
The elf's tan lips pressed together and his head turned away from me, "I still would have rather heard it from someone I had learned to trust."
His words were a shock to me, he trusted me? Since when? Never in my life would I have expected him to say such a thing about me.
"You trust me?"
"I did," he corrected with venom, "I thought you would tell me if you knew something was going on with Hawke, you have always been good to answer my questions unlike the others."
"Are you talking about Hawke being a blood mage? Of course I was going to answer your questions when you came to me about that, I just never said anything beca-"
He cut me off sharply, "He never told me, I knew. We all know about it, he learned from that other elf he brought from the Dalish clan." He snapped at me.
I sucked in a breath, "I am not your enemy right now, Fenris."
A strange look came to his eyes as his white brows furrowed together, "We are enemies at times?" He asked me.
Trying to stifle my laugh failed, I chuckled at him. "You hate mages, I am a mage. I assumed that made us enemies."
"It is true, I hate mages. I hate you. Though, I don't see us as enemies, we are just allies that disagree on things. Is that not how friendship works?"
I pondered his words for a moment; it was common for friends to disagree. Of course, that was part of life, no one completely agreed on everything, but could the mage-hater actually be my friend? I held in the soft groan in my head, even then I wanted to be more than just friend's with the elf that was sitting across from me.
"Do you have something to say, mage? You seem to be hiding something from me."
How in the Makers name did he know I was hiding something from him? I had never been good at hiding my feelings before Justice, but after him he had taught me how to conceal them a lot better than I had before then.
I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him how I felt about him; how my heart skipped a beat as he walked by, how panic found me whenever he hit the ground during a fight, how torn I was between loving my own people and loving someone who hated me for being how I was born, and most of all how I seemed to have fallen for him. However, I had a feeling he would just stab me with that sword of his; and it wouldn't be the one I wanted him to stab me with.
The elf stood up and slammed his hands down against the table, "I am tired of playing games with you mage."
"Oh?" I snapped at his attitude towards me, standing up quickly myself, "I am tired of you wanting my people to be forced into slavery while you, YOU of all people should understand how horrible it is to be locked up and to take orders from people who wish you dead."
"This has nothing to do with what you are or what I was," he snapped back, "I have told myself over and over that I should loathe you as much as I wish I did. You're different. I have never hated you, even though I have said I do; I even hated Hawke at first, but he won me with his charming words and his smiles. His smiles were lies, but you," he paused to take a breath, "Your smiles never lie to me, they make me feel like perhaps there is a good mage out there."
My anger that had flared faltered, "What do you mean?" I asked him, "My smiles? I do not smile at you very often for a reason elf."
"I notice when you do," he said, "You smile when no one is looking, after a battle when I'm unharmed, when I decide to put my drink away for the night. You smile at random things that I do; I have heard Varric tell stories of smiles like such. I waited and waited for a smile like that from Hawke but I never got one, he will never smile at me the way you do. I don't want him to, I want you to continue to smile at me as you do."
Confusion covered my face, "What in the Maker's name are you talking about?" I asked him, "I smile at you in no way at all." I denied as hard as I could, but if he had noticed truly then I was not surprised.
"Do not toy with me, mage. I see the way you look at me, how you try to hide your face from me, the lust in your eyes after a heated argument," he said, there was a tone to his voice but it was not one full of anger, "I have had to hide my own lust, I noticed it only after I had given into Hawke. It wasn't him I wanted, he wasn't the right mage; it was you. It is you, it always has been. My bed has been lonely for several nights now, over a few weeks, I tire of it being empty and I tire of waking in the night worrying templar's have taken you; I believe mages need to master their magic, but I could not let them hide you away from me."
"Are you saying what I think you are?" My tongue wanted to lock up in my mouth in fear I was taking him the wrong way or that I would ruin the moment. "You have feelings for me? Other than hate?"
He laughed at my words before he walked around the table, he stood in front of me. His head was just barely over my shoulders, but he was stronger than me all the same; he was so close he could have shoved his hand through my chest and ripped my bloody heart out.
"I do not hate you, mage. I only hate you because I seem to have fallen for you, I know little about crushes and feelings but my feelings are strong for you; I want nothing but to protect you, even if that means I have to help damn mages to do so," he said.
"I wouldn't mind an elf such as yourself protecting me," I found myself whispering to him, something about the moment felt like it needed to be private even though I could feel the eyes of almost everyone in the bar section of the Hanged Man laying on us. "I feel the same way about you, I've tried so long to hide how I feel. Justice warned me so many times, but my heart could not bear to listen."
The elf's rough hands grabbed my waist and yanked me forward as he stood on his tippy toes; he looked adorable but still terrifying in a way that thrilled me. His lips then shoved against mine, they were softer than I imagined they would be and warm, I could feel the lyrium under his skin pulse in reaction to my touch on the face but his lips were the most interesting thing. I pressed my own back against his, pressing my body against his shorter one, a few people made gagging noises while others whistled in the background.
I pulled away with an embarrassed expression, "We have an audience."
"Then let us go somewhere where we will not." The elf said before he removed his hands from my waist and took my hand in his. He led me out of the Hanged Man and in the faint light of the night we headed to his mansion. Where we would get the privacy that we both seeked.