Me: ok, here I am again, writing another stupid little story when I should be working on my math project or finishing my other stories.
Offstage: you're a horrible role model
Me: Oh well. And joining me in the authors note will be some of my favorite (or least favorite) characters from the two works of fiction. Which I do not, or will ever own.
Offstage 2: that was the disclaimer
Me: Anyway, here they are. From South park, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny.
Kenny: hi everyone. I'm back from the dead again
Kyle and Cartman: why do we have to be in this one. You're already making our lives miserable in that other story
Me: which reminds me of the blackmail picture. Anyway, from Twilight, it's Bella, Edward and Jacob. (fan girls scream)
Bella: I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Edward: (To fan girls) I'm married you know.
Jacob: let's get this party started
Me: my point exactly. On with the most awesome anti-twilight south park crossover ever
The Cullens were sitting in their pretty white and blinding living room talking about Alice's latest vision. It involved flying papayas laying mutant seagull-papaya eggs out of who knows where.
"Alice, how many times do I have to tell you It's impossible for papayas to fly." said Edward, pushing his 100 year younger wife off of his lap and going to stand in front of the smaller vampire
"And I keep telling you that's what I saw." she kept insisting, her annoyingly high pitched voice making Jacob, who was sprawled on the carpet with Renesmee, the little half vampire, wince in pain.
For those of you lucky enough to have avoided reading Breaking Dawn in the first place, I'll tell you who she is. If you were unlucky enough to actually read it, feel free to skip the next 2-3 paragraphs. Edward found a way to keep Bella human for a while by whoring himself off to her. For those of you squeamish about doing this before marriage, they were married at this point ok. Anyway, she got pregnant, and Edward begged her to abort it and have Jacob's kids.
Being the crazy too-nice person she is, she decided to have the kid, even though it was going to kill her, and everyone was against her. But of course, being the Bella-slave that he is, Eddie agreed to let her have her kid, which ended up killing her anyway.
Then she turned into a vampire and Jacob fell in love with the kid. And the kid ages about 4 years to our 1. The volturi tired to kill everyone and Bella turned into a self centered vain person. My dogs and the ones belonging to my friends would argue that she doesn't deserve to be called a 'bitch'.
Anyway, this is about 2 years after the book, and the half-vampire looks about 11 years old. They were in the living room with nothing better to do, cause they couldn't get away to go hump each other without the child asking what they were doing.
Alice had come in and said she'd had a vision of them in a mountain town being attacked by flying papayas, and then the narrator decided to explain all that crap.
Back to the sparkly vampires.
"How can you be sure she's lying Edward. I mean, I practically live in a world of fairytales. It's possible that winged papayas exist." said Bella
"It wasn't just the papayas. There were worst things in the vision." said Alice
"Well, I saw nothing of this vision" spat Edward. And I mean literally spat, his sparkly spittle landing in Rose's eye.
"Ahh! My eye!" she screamed. She moved her hand away from her eye and they could see Edwards spit melting her sparkly yellow-gold eye.
"Don't worry my love." said Emmet. He reached over to her and pulled out the eye, and threw it in their fireplace, where it dissolved into ashes.
"What the [censored] Emmet?!" spat the one eyed vampire. She looked straight at him, her eye socket showing the severed nerves and other gross stuff that caused everyone except Carlisle to gag uncontrollably. Jasper threw up the blood he'd eaten that morning.
It was the blood of that one Mike Newton's pet chicken. Yeah, the guy keeps chickens in his house. It was his big, dark secret, until now.
"Momma, what's the word auntie Rose said?" asked the 3 year old. Yeah, she looked eleven, but she was still a three year old kid.
"It's a word you shouldn't say." said Esme patiently, in a tone that screamed 'child rapist'. It was too sweet to be normal and had a dark undertone, like Cyanide in a sweet drink.
"Anyway…" said Edward, trying to steer his daughter away from foul language and instead turning to his only two eyed sister. "I couldn't see that vision, so you must be making it up."
"I wouldn't make up something so random." she screamed at him, trying to avoid spitting in the middle of his face and having it dissolve into nothingness.
"Well, I think that [as usual, this means the rest of the comment was cut off because of language even sailors wouldn't dare to use. But no offence to sailors] and a macramé owl." said Edward
The other's stared at them in stunned silence. Even Emmet, who'd been in some really foul mouthed places, had never seen or heard Edward use such disturbing language.
"Mommy." sobbed Nessie.
"Shush my love. Everything will be fine." said Jacob, and kissed the girl.
The little girl brightened after the kiss and looked over at her parents after that. "I found a new power. I can tell the tv people what I think." she giggled.
She found the remote and turned on the tv, which fell on a documentary on how robots make soda. She put her tiny hand on the screen and transmitted her thoughts to the tv. Instantly, the robots disappeared to be replaced by a testing screen.
"Woopsies, we broke the tv." said Jacob, laughing
"You bastard." said Rosalie, her empty socket now filled with a glass orb from a nearby planter.
"You know leech, I'd ask you if it was your time of the month if it wasn't for the fact that you can never have kids." said Jacob
"I'll kill you" she said, launching herself at him.
"Don't you dare hit my man." screamed Nessie, standing in front of the wolf.
After that, the members of the Cullen Coven, and Jacob, started fighting for no reason. Suddenly, a light from the T.V engulfed them all and dragged them into the fictional cable universe, in which our heroes may or may not exist. Yeah, I don't get the last part.
Meanwhile, in south park, there were five kids standing at the bus stop. In order from left to right, It was Butters, Kenny, Cartman, Kyle, and Stan. I just decided to add Butters cause he's like Cartman's slave, and cause 5 is half of ten and cause I felt like it.
"You're mom's a bitch Kyle" said Cartman
"My mom is not a bitch you fatass." said Kyle
"M, Maybe you should stop before he hits you , Eric." stuttered Butters
"Yeah, you guy's made me miss a date with Wendy for this?" asked Stan
"And why are you back with her Stan, I thought you hated her." said Kenny.
Suddenly, a hole opened up above them and the twilight characters came out. They stood up and clutched their loves in terror. They looked around in shock
"Where are we." asked Bella.
"I can't read anyone's minds except for the 9 of you." screamed Edward. Then in a really gay way, he fell to his Knees in the middle of the street and tore off his shirt. "Oh, why. Why does my one talent have to abandon me in my time of need." he wailed
At that moment, an 18-weeler came up and crashed head on into Edward. It bounced off of him and did a back flip in the air before coming down to earth, crashing on Bella, only Bella, and blowing up.
After the death of the 18-weeler, and the flames that consumed the wreckage, Bella's tortured scream came from inside.
"Edward you bastard. You promised I wouldn't get hurt when I was a vampire. I sold my soul to you, and this is what I get. I should have stayed with Jacob in the first place."
And that being said, she died.
"Oh my god, they Killed Bella!" screamed Stan, letting the location of the 5 nine year olds be seen
"You Bastards!" cried Kyle, then said. "Wait, what the f**k did I just say. I meant "They finally killed her!"
"Hooray," said Cartman, "Another lame bitch from a plot-less fad has finally died."
"Actually Eric, she doesn't deserve to be called a bitch." said Butters, looking with hate at the 7½ vampires and a wolf standing in the middle of the freeway.
A couple of them had stopped to watch the kids, but Edward was busy digging away in the tortured wreckage of the Semi in a vain effort to find the remains of his dead wife.
"Who told you that?" said Kenny, surprised that Butters had actually said something right.
"That dog over there." he said, pointing to Stan's gay dog that had been on a walk in the woods.
"Bark!" he said
"What'd he say?" asked Stan, looking at Butters.
"He said 'damn right pups'" translated Butters.
"Who are you." said Carlisle, walking to the boys, Esme following close behind him.
"I'm Eric Cartman, and this is Kenny, Butters, Stan and a Jew."
"Hey, Don't call me a Jew Fatass." screamed Kyle
"I can call you whatever the F**K I want Jew boy." said Cartman.
And I'm sure you know what happens next. Kyle and Cartman fight over that again. Of course, Carlisle and Esme didn't know this was a fairly regular occurrence, and Esme was simply appalled at the fact that out of 5 children who seemed to be very good friends, 2 would try took murder the other one, and the other three would do nothing to stop them.
Esme motioned to her husband to stop the two dear children from hurting each other. Carlisle picked Cartman up and Esme picked up Kyle. Cartman was upside down.
"Children, please stop this. I know that you don't really hate each other. It's all just a misunderstanding, right? Now can you please calm down and tell us where we are?" she said sweetly. Not child molester sweetly but still, it was creepy.
"Um, this is South Park. Worst city in Colorado, if not the world." said Stan
"Where'd you people come from?" asked Kyle. "How can we be sure that you aren't just figments of our imaginations?"
"Damn it Jew. Butters I thought I specifically told you to keep him away from those books!"
"I tried Eric, I really tired I don't know how this happened." said Butters, cowering behind Kenny
"You can't keep those books away from me!" screamed Kyle before trying to launch himself at Cartman again. Esme tightened her already deathly tight grip and said. "We don't know where we came from."
"You told us who you are, now allow me to introduce ourselves." Said Carlisle. "I'm Carl…"
"Yeah, yeah. We know who you are, old man…" said Kenny
"Really old." said Butters
"You're those damn hippy sparkly vampires that live in Washington. The Cullens. That over there are you're weirdo adoptive children and you're wife." retorted Cartman, who Carlisle unceremoniously dropped on the cold hard ground after the insult he had just heard against his family.
"Hey , what was that for!" screamed Cartman
"And anyway, those two over there are your granddaughter, her boyfriend, and the nonexistent remains of your daughter in law." finished Kenny
"Yup," said Kyle. "It's thanks to you that some fags from school decided to start playing vampire."
"Wait, What!" those damn kids aren't really vampires. Were the only true vampires." yelled Rosalie, running up to where the children stood and trying to take her rage out on poor Kenny.
Kenny ran off from the raged, one-eyed vampire and then Emmet started chasing after them, screaming to Rose that everything was going to be all right.
Jasper and Alice decided to follow them, as did Nessie and Jacob. But while the last two were walking up the hill, the ODPLOCC, organization dedicated to preserving the lives of only the cool characters, kidnapped them and took the to their secret facility, where they would remain safe for the duration of their stay in South Park.
Well, technically, only Jacob was taken, cause Nessie, seeing as how cruel and messed up today was becoming, screamed "I don't know you weirdoes.", ran off to where they had originally landed, took the portal back to her won world before it closed forever, and took a plane to wherever it is that the Vulture live. Once there, she Killed Aro, who was currently organizing the genocide of the Mormons. The other two elders and the wives spontaneously combusted, and Nessie took over the Vampire world.
Thus leaving Jacob once again a single man doomed to spend the duration of this story in a high-security bomb shelter. Anyway, while all of that random crap was happening, Jasper and Alice finally managed to get away from Edward. Edward was still frantically digging in the remains of the semi in a pathetic effort to recover what remained of his dead wife.
"I waited 100 years to f**k a girl, and now this happens. It's all your fault, Jesus!" he wailed
Then, almost as if on cue, Jesus walked by him as he said that, on his way for the filming of the new season of his tv show.
"So my son, you blame me that the love of your life is dead?" he asked, his voice radiating calm and power.
"Doy, Dillweed. 'Course I blame you. In fact I think you're a [he said what now!?] and your clothes are [OMFG! I thought he was the nice one] and about your [so he's insulting him, with a low joke like this!] and another thing [didn't a Mormon create him?] and furthermore, [damn. He has a really colorful vocabulary] and potatoes" said Edward
Jesus sighed, gave Edward some pills, and told him to go to therapy. Edward was a bout to come out and say a really stupid comment when Bella's ghost came out of the truck's wreckage.
"Don't blame other for my death, my love. You know I never really liked you anyway. I was just using you" she said as she started to float down to where death was waiting to take her took hell to be Satan's' personal Chef, and marry Darth Chef
"But my love" cried Edward, in a totally gay voice.
"Goodbye, you bastard, and always remember this, you have no soul, hell's to good for you, and it's all your fault I died.
Then, since the narrator was running out of paper she decided to rush the story. Emmet fell in love with Mr. Garrison, Rosalie was killed by a giant hamster, Jasper and Alice were taken to a military compound and dissected alive, and Carlisle and Esme were killed by Flying Papayas. And thus, another chapter of weirdness is finished.
And what happened to Edward, I couldn't think of anything, so you can decide that yourself.
Me: ok, so imagine this, Edward in a giant hamster wheel, that shocks him whenever he thinks of Bella.
Jacob: awesome
Me: Ok, if you could marry anyone in the world, who would it be?Jacob: I don't know
Bella: Jacob
South park characters: we cannot answer this question due to the fact that the author is blackmailing two of us, and Kenny was laughing his head off
Alice: Jacob
Emmet: Jacob
Rose: what, you chose that dog over me!
Emmet: yes
Rose: so do I
Everyone else from twilight: Jacob
Edward: well you can't have him, he's mine
Me: that is just wrong. oh, and if you want a sequel to this, i'm planning out another few one-shots to be companions to this story