RA 17. The first time you touch your soulmate (shake hands, brush skin, whatever) you're forced to relive the best and/or worst day of their lives. (This can be past or future, your choice).

Assignment 3: Gardening Task 6 - Gardenia: Write about secret love (whether requited or not)

For Jen, who is maybe the only one who could make me want to write a sympathetic Lucius.

James is twelve years old and not looking for a soulmate when he punches sixteen year old Lucius Malfoy in the face.

Lucius is in the hallways and they're just passing each other by but Lucius says something about Lily Evans and James sees red, reels back, and punches him.

Turns out it's the first time he and Lucius have ever made skin contact because they both fall back, reeling.

Lucius is tall and slim and thirty something, his hair long now, his face just as haughty in it's bone structure.

But that face is twisted in agony, in painful helplessness.

He's watching a boy with the same pale blonde hair, twisting in pain on the floor.

"Do you understand," says a man with a sibilant voice and slits for a nose, "Why you are being punished, Draco?"

The curse is lifted, and the boy pants breathlessly.

"Answer me!" hisses the terrifying man.

The boy breathes deep. "Because… I failed you… my lord," he says between gasps. "You entrusted me… with a mission… and I failed."

"You failed because you were weak," says the man. He raises his wand, twists it with a casualness that is almost more terrifying. "Crucio."

And then the man looks at Lucius. His eyes are red, glittering.

"And you, Lucius? Why have I waited to punish Draco until you were free?"

Lucius takes a breath. It's somewhat shaky. "Because I failed you, my lord," he says.

The man's thin lips twist into a sadistic smile. "But now you know better, don't you?"

"I do, my lord," he says.

James snaps back to himself, breathing hard. He's staring at Lucius, who is staring at him, eyes wide even as the rest of his face is impassive.

"What did you—" James starts to say, but before he can finish, Lucius turns on his heel and disappears.

…

James doesn't understand how Lucius Malfoy can be his soulmate. Lucius Malfoy. Slytherin Prefect, all around asshole. He believes in blood purity. James has seen him taunt Muggleborns just for existing.

And James has seen his future. Has seen him grovel at the feet of a man who barely looked human. Has seen the worst day of his life — the moment he was forced to watch his son be tortured.

That this is the worst day of Lucius' life says to James that there is something in him worth redeeming.

He doesn't know what Lucius saw. He doesn't know if he wants to know. He's pretty sure his worst day is still coming, but he doesn't know if he wants to know what it is.

But apparently it doesn't matter what he wants, because every time he tries to seek Lucius out, Lucius disappears. He's very good at slipping into the shadows.

Lucius is his soulmate, but he won't even stand still for a conversation.

James wonders if maybe the universe got this one wrong.

…

It takes them almost two years to have a conversation. Lucius is eighteen, about to graduate. James has just turned fourteen.

In the end, Lucius comes to him.

James is sitting on the grass by the edge of the Forbidden Forest, for once, alone. Sirius is with Remus and they'd shooed James away, which he's a bit sullen about, but he's also pretty sure he doesn't want to be around. Sirius and Remus have known they were soulmates since the first year, but they've only just been figuring out what they want that to mean. Peter, meanwhile, is in detention with Slughorn for exploding a third cauldron this month.

James is bored. He's not used to being alone.

Lucius comes up and stands beside him, blocking his sun.

James squints up at him. Lucius doesn't say anything. James sighs.

"Finally going to talk about this, are we?" James says, somewhat flippantly. As if it doesn't matter to him. It doesn't matter. (It does.)

"You're… not what I was expecting," Lucius says, somewhat stiffly.

James snorts inelegantly. "Yeah, you're not exactly what I was picturing either," he says.

Lucius shifts, and James gets the impression that he's not making this any easier. But that's fine. Lucius made him wait two years to have a conversation; James isn't going to make it easy.

Lucius breathes in, and James can practically see him sorting his words, figuring out exactly what he wants to say so that it comes out smoothly.

"There are a lot of ways to be soulmates," he says eventually. "I can't love you. But you are a Pureblood, at least. And maybe we don't have to be enemies."

James thinks of watching Lucius grovel at the feet of a figure more demon than man. He thinks of the growing whispers of a man who calls himself Lord Voldemort.

He thinks maybe they do have to be enemies.

But maybe they can be friends, first. James wants it badly enough to try.

…

Lucius graduates.

They start with owls back and forth. On paper, Lucius is smooth and poised, but also surprisingly funny.

They don't talk about the growing whispers of a war on the horizon. They don't talk about politics.

They talk about traveling, childhood trips to Spain and France and Ireland, Thailand and India and China.

They talk about food and culture and dream jobs.

The school year starts. The letters continue.

Lucius shows up in Hogsmeade on the first free weekend. James makes his excuses and slips away from his friends.

He hasn't told them. He hasn't known how.

It's weird, talking to Lucius in person. He's just as composed as his letters, but James can read tiny flickers across his face, and sometimes they're at odds with his words. He's not as impassive as he likes to think himself.

But his smile is rare and it makes something bubble up in James' chest, something warm and bright.

James has always known Lucius was handsome, but this is the first time he's had the thought that maybe he'd like to know what kissing him would be like.

It's dangerous.

He knows this can't last. They're holding themselves in stasis, apart from the world, and that's why this is working, but it cannot hold.

For now, James doesn't care.

…

Lucius keeps coming back.

James can see the conflict in his eyes. Lucius isn't sure he should come back. But he does.

James is good at stealing moments. He always has been.

…

James is sixteen when it turns into something more.

He's not expecting it. Lucius is growing closer to him, but he still holds himself carefully at a distance.

They're arguing — nothing serious, just a good natured spat about Quidditch teams but James has stepped forward to get in Lucius' space and Lucius is leaning down to put their faces on a level and then suddenly James is cut off mid sentence because Lucius is kissing him. And James is hesitating a moment and then he's kissing Lucius back and it's fierce. Lucius is shoving him back against a wall of the alley they're tucked in, leaning over him, pressing into him. James is surrounded, enveloped.

Lucius's fingers rise to the junction of James' neck and shoulder, and his fingers are cold against James' skin. The contrast makes him jump, but then he eases into it, sinks into the touch and the kiss. His hands rise, land firmly on Lucius' hips.

James hadn't dared to hope for this.

It's electric. He can feel his nerves jumping beneath his skin, sparking like flickers of magic. He wonders if that's because Lucius is his soulmate or just because it's Lucius.

Lucius pulls back, breathing heavily.

"I should… go," he says.

James tightens his grip on Lucius' hips.

"You really shouldn't," he says, but Lucius looks away, and then he slips out of his grasp.

"I'm sorry," Lucius says, and then he's gone.

…

It takes him nearly two weeks to contact James after that. James is more than a little angry when he finds Lucius behind Honeydukes, in an alley no one uses.

"I thought you forgot about me," James says, going for casual.

"Never," Lucius says, and his lack of apology makes James' rage flare up.

"You can't just… kiss me and disappear!" he says.

"I know," Lucius says calmly.

"Then why did you?"

Lucius breathes in deep. He looks like he's barely holding on to his composure.

"Because I shouldn't be doing any of this. I should've walked away the moment we knew and never come back."

"Don't you think that should be a mutual decision?"

Lucius looks away. "You don't get it, okay? You… make things difficult for me."

James is about to be upset, but then he takes a good look at Lucius, at the way he's holding himself.

"You're mad at yourself for wanting me," he realizes aloud.

Lucius won't meet his eyes. James is grinning now. "You're furious because you like me."

And then Lucius whirls on him. "Of course I'm furious. You're another man. You're everything I'm not supposed to want and I'm not… I'm going to marry a Pureblood woman and have Pureblood children and carry on my family line because that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm not supposed to…" He breathes out, reins in the fury in his eyes. "You're not good for me," he says, more calmly this time.

They're different people. They have different priorities. James knows this.

He didn't realize quite how much it was tearing Lucius apart.

"This can't last, James," Lucius says.

James huffs out a breath that's almost a laugh. "I know that. I've always known that." He sighs. "I'm not asking for forever, Lucius. I'm asking for right now."

Lucius' eyes darken, and he steps forward. "You're not good for me," he says again, except that this time it doesn't sound like a no. It sounds like a yes.

"And yet here we are," James says.

"Here we are," Lucius echoes, and then they're kissing again.

…

And so it goes.

Lucius keeps visiting.

James keeps meeting him.

Maybe it's stupid.

It's probably stupid, especially the day Lucius appears with a pitch black skull and snake on his forearm and James knows, but Lucius is his soulmate.

More than that, James just… doesn't care.

They knew when they started that this wasn't forever. James is going to make sure it lasts as long as possible.

…

For James' seventeenth birthday, Lucius' gets them a hotel room in the middle of nowhere, where not a soul will know who they are.

…

James turns eighteen. He graduates.

He joins the Order of the Phoenix. He sees the irony.

No one knows about Lucius. Not even Sirius or Remus or Peter. He flirts with Lily Evans because he knows she won't say yes — except that he's not as sure of that as he once was.

But then one day, in James' flat, they're laying in James' bed. James has a cigarette in his hand, a habit he picked up from Sirius but only really indulges in after sex. The room is warm, filled with the scent of sex and them, but something about the way Lucius kissed him felt too much like a goodbye.

So James isn't really surprised when Lucius turns, swings his leg off the bed and sits with his back to James.

"This is the last time," he says, and James knows him well enough to hear the hint of sadness in his voice. "We've set a date for the wedding."

Lucius is marrying Narcissa Malfoy. James has been trying not to think about it.

But it's time.

There have been too many times when James has responded to a call for help and wondered if Lucius might be on the other end of his wand.

Besides, Lucius was always going to marry Narcissa. They'll have a son, and they'll name him Draco.

The war will continue long enough for Draco to grow. To follow in his father's footsteps.

They were never meant to be forever.

James puts out the cigarette, sets it down.

"I hope you'll be very happy together," he says, and he even mostly means it. He wants Lucius to be happy. Even if it's not with him.

"Will you at least kiss me goodbye?" James asks, and it doesn't come out quite as smoothly as he means it to but Lucius either doesn't notice or doesn't care.

He turns back to James, cups his cheek gently.

He kisses him and it tastes like goodbye.

It tastes like please don't make me face you across a battlefield.

It tastes like please don't make me choose between killing you and staying loyal to what I believe in.

It tastes like forever coming to an end.

James watches him go.

Maybe he'll give Lily another shot after all.

Writing Month/Dragons:2128

Auction: James Potter

Romance Awareness: 17, Late

Fortnightly: Monster: Head: "I thought you forgot about me."/"Never."; Potions: 1. Amortentia – write about a first love

Seasonal: Days of the Year: Gay Pride: Write Slash/Femmeslash. / Shay's Musical Challenge: Miss Saigon - write your notp. alt, write about star-crossed lovers / Gryffindor Themed Prompts: (character) James Potter

Amber's Attic: G1: 1. Write about someone making a commitment. / Count Your Buttons: D5: "You don't get it, okay?" / Lyric Alley: 16. And I'm marching on to the beat I drum / Em's Emporium: 21. Jas (TheRottenJas): Write about tradition being an important aspect of somebody's life. / Angel's Arcade: 3. Frost: (trait) arrogant, (word) cold, (location) London / Bex's Bazaar: D5: [Theme] Bullying - Write from a bully's perspective.

Tea: Courgette & Feta Muffins: (character) Lucius Malfoy